|
Anonymous #1
|
Lost, broken, & unstable
#22381378 - 10/14/15 11:18 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
|
|
I don't know where to start, but I need to type this out so here it goes. The darkness is hitting heavier and heavier by the day, and its getting progressively harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm essentially going through a depression trifecta right now: the ending of a 2.5 year relationship with my first love, a developing meth addiction, and (less significantly) recovery from a year and a half of steroid use. Having to deal with the heartbreak on top of having no testosterone or dopamine is causing me the most intense feelings of despair, loneliness, and hopelessness.
Every hour of every day is a surprise with how chaotic my emotions have been, and I'm getting beyond overwhelmed with nowhere to run. Most days I have to leave work for an hour or so to breakdown in my car due to the madness. Of course I know what I should do – drop the meth – but if the tweak slope weren't slippery enough on its own, the breakup depression always leads me right back to filling the void with substances. I know that nobody can really help me but myself, but myself hasn't quite been myself lately. I'm not sure what I'm hoping for from this thread, but if anybody has any thoughts/experience/wisdom/advice, please feel free to share.
Edited by Anonymous (10/15/15 12:57 AM)
|
yogabunny
fancy cat



Registered: 11/01/09
Posts: 11,281
Loc: Nasty Women Get Shit Done
|
|
Numbing the pain of a break-up is just like borrowing time from the future. EVENTUALLY you are going to have to deal with all the emotions you are covering up with Meth. Why not just get it over with and feel them now?
--------------------
|
Bumbaa
Lol You Can Change this


Registered: 08/29/15
Posts: 295
Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
|
Re: Lost, broken, & unstable [Re: yogabunny]
#22385928 - 10/15/15 10:01 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
|
|
Me and my gf (I don't even know if I should call her my gf,more like ex I would assume) have been dating for a year and three months and things got really really shaky about 3 months ago. I've been really trying to keep the relationship together,but it seems that she couldn't trust me and was getting snappy at me and mad.
It wasn't a healthy relationship anymore,I could clearly see it. But it is hard to break up,last week I did ( wasn't planned,I was just tired of the constant fighting and I just flipped a switched and told her to fuck off, I'm breaking up.)
Has been a week we haven't spoke and I really want to keep on that track,I want to move on, but it is so so hard. Yet I know it is for the best,not only for me but for herself too. This was my first relationship,I was 22 when we started dating. It's the first time I truly felt loved in my life, that I meant something to somebody and that feeling is a beautiful one,specially for a person that grew up in a house whiteout love.
I'm mostly afraid of never feeling that sensation ever again. It petrifies me that I'm feeling negative emotions that I haven't felt in a long while and I'm afraid that will always persist. But those are in my mind,I know they are. I know the faster I move, I can even achieve tremendous things once again with a born again passion and out view of life.
I'm paining also brother,I've been in some dark roads,I've been a crackhead, I thought the whole world was against me, I thought that love was fictional and did not exist, I did not believe in myself, I had no self-esteem. But life was there to tell me otherwise and I listened and I grew and I went with the flow. We all have up and downs if we did not have them we wouldn't be able to realize the good times.
I can tell you with certainty that if you hang on in there,life does and will get better. And for your meth addiction, quit one thing at a time. Get over your ex even if you need a abuse a substance for certain amount of time,just don't go to hard on yourself. We all humans brother,we are here to experience life and learn from it.
This text might not be organized,but there just my thought or well written but I just want to express myself,because my self I feel the pain of a break up right now.
Don't worry man,the withdrawal of meth is nothing compared to the withdrawal effect of love.
Cheers,
Bumbaa
-------------------- Why so much hate mate?
|
m4dScientist
Music Always Helps


Registered: 08/04/14
Posts: 1,616
Last seen: 10 months, 25 days
|
Re: Lost, broken, & unstable [Re: Bumbaa]
#22387099 - 10/16/15 05:48 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
|
|
Hey man.
You said it yourself in summing up your post. "I know nobody can really help me but myself." Boom. There is no amount of wisdom or information we can give you to give you the desire to stop what you're doing. There's a saying about addicts, "when the pain gets great enough.", and in my experience I have found nothing to be more true. Yes, you are going through a lot emotionally, but unfortunately you haven't hit your bottom with meth yet, and until that happens you're probably going to continue to self medicate.
I'm an addict with a a VERY low bottom. Most people would've stopped using YEARS earlier than me with the amount of consequences I had. In the end, it took me getting into a high speed chase with the cops, ramming one of their cars intentionally (to later face aggravated assault with a deadly weapons charge), and driving my car into a river in an attempt to drown myself (where I was later pulled from the drowning car by a Good Samaritan). i tell you that to tell you that I truly understand the pain you're experiencing. I'm clean today and I can tell you in my 3 years of sobriety that I haven't had to experience anything like I did during my drinking/drugging days.
But back to my original point and your statement. When youre ready to stop, you will. Only you can make that decision. But if you're ready to stop, I suggest you get yourself to a detox for the weekend, n hit a meeting as soon as you get out.
I wish you the best of luck brother. You don't have to continue down the path you are on now.
|
once in a lifetime
sun child



Registered: 02/12/15
Posts: 1,807
|
|
Hello friend 
many good advices in the posts above, I think; especially this line -
'I can tell you with certainty that if you hang on in there,life does and will get better.'
no matter how good or bad a state of mind you get into -- hold strong, and eventually the clouds will disperse, and the sun will appear.
One of my teachers shared, ' it's not my pain, or your pain, but simply THE pain '
as a way of, sort of depersonalizing it --
Probably the best expression of healing i have come across in my life, is. . from Thich Nhat Hanh, zen monk who wrote,
‘This morning I was touching the ground, and I felt that there is some stability in the Earth. Why don’t we take refuge in the Earth? There is also some stability in the air, the sunshine, and the trees. We can count on the sun because we know it will rise tomorrow. We have to look around to see things that we can count on. In order to practice, we need to take refuge in stable things.
Our bodies have a healing power. Every time we cut our finger, our body has the capacity to heal itself. We take care of it by washing it carefully, and then we can leave the work of healing to our body. In a few hours or a day, the cut will be healed. Our bodies have that kind of healing power. We have to take refuge in our bodies.
The same is true with our consciousness. Our consciousness has a healing power, and we have to trust it. When we have some anger, distress, or despair, we don’t need to panic. We can trust our consciousness to know how to heal these kinds of wounds. When we have a feeling of instability, we only need to breathe in and out consciously and recognize the feeling of instability, knowing that our consciousness is much more than that feeling. We know from our experience that there have been times in the past when we were not very solid. We know that we can take refuge in our consciousness We can let it do its work without interfering too much. After cleaning out the wound in our finger, we just let it heal. If we have a wound in our mind or heart, we just clean our wound and then we trust our consciousness to heal it.'
very best from my heart to you, brother - you are loved, by many -- including, probably, quite a few you haven't met yet 
people later on in life that you may meet, and have the love and happiness you so very much deserve.
we have faith in you 
many good wishes; we're all in this together, and you very much deserve our best;
you got it, that self-faith is the most healing attribute, it unlocks all the healing within --
yet do find those who'll love you as you are -- that's pretty much the definition of a friend!
love and peace

above all -- it will get better!! ride it out -- find what is healing and bring that to your heart, and you will absolutely succeed
 
-------------------- Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland Julia Delaney, Bothy Band Rasta Girl, Sister Carol Genesis, Jorma K I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing Do Your Thing, Moondog large . . music garden . . veryall peace them hiStarhouse - main Time Traveler's Guide
|
Anonymous #1
|
|
Wow. Before I respond to each post individually, I just wanna say thank you all for the unique perspective and positive wishes. Today has been overflowing with melancholia, so this thread was refreshing to return to. It's getting way too late though, so I'm gonna have to respond to 3/4 tomorrow.
Quote:
Bumbaa said: Me and my gf (I don't even know if I should call her my gf,more like ex I would assume) have been dating for a year and three months and things got really really shaky about 3 months ago. I've been really trying to keep the relationship together,but it seems that she couldn't trust me and was getting snappy at me and mad.
It wasn't a healthy relationship anymore,I could clearly see it. But it is hard to break up,last week I did ( wasn't planned,I was just tired of the constant fighting and I just flipped a switched and told her to fuck off, I'm breaking up.)
Has been a week we haven't spoke and I really want to keep on that track,I want to move on, but it is so so hard. Yet I know it is for the best,not only for me but for herself too. This was my first relationship,I was 22 when we started dating. It's the first time I truly felt loved in my life, that I meant something to somebody and that feeling is a beautiful one,specially for a person that grew up in a house whiteout love.
I'm mostly afraid of never feeling that sensation ever again. It petrifies me that I'm feeling negative emotions that I haven't felt in a long while and I'm afraid that will always persist. But those are in my mind,I know they are. I know the faster I move, I can even achieve tremendous things once again with a born again passion and out view of life.
I'm paining also brother,I've been in some dark roads,I've been a crackhead, I thought the whole world was against me, I thought that love was fictional and did not exist, I did not believe in myself, I had no self-esteem. But life was there to tell me otherwise and I listened and I grew and I went with the flow. We all have up and downs if we did not have them we wouldn't be able to realize the good times.
I can tell you with certainty that if you hang on in there,life does and will get better. And for your meth addiction, quit one thing at a time. Get over your ex even if you need a abuse a substance for certain amount of time,just don't go to hard on yourself. We all humans brother,we are here to experience life and learn from it.
This text might not be organized,but there just my thought or well written but I just want to express myself,because my self I feel the pain of a break up right now.
Don't worry man,the withdrawal of meth is nothing compared to the withdrawal effect of love.
Cheers,
Bumbaa
I'm seriously blown away right now, damn. Every paragraph just kept hitting closer and closer to home. I really appreciate you sharing that, it's probably the #1 thing during this time so far that has ensured me that I'm not alone.
From the fading of love and the development of an unhealthy relationship, to the several-month-long sense of doom leading up to the grand finale, to the 'no contact' phase (just hit week three myself), to it being the first relationship of my life, to reflecting on how I finally felt loved for the first time ever after a long and loveless adolescenthood, to the fear of returning to that lonesome darkness that haunted my soul up until this life-saving relationship at age 21, to realizing the potential I have if I'm ever able to harness my inner passion, to the drug addiction, everything. Fuck.
As refreshing as it is to hear that I'm not entirely alone, I'm really sorry you're having to experience this too brother. I would wish this suffering on no one. Again though, I sincerely appreciate the sentiments. And I sincerely wish you the best . Seriously, please feel free to send me a PM if you ever just need to talk to somebody who understands.
Edit: just realized I'm anon lol, I'll send you a PM tomorrow dude.
Edited by Anonymous (10/17/15 03:03 AM)
|
once in a lifetime
sun child



Registered: 02/12/15
Posts: 1,807
|
|
Wonderful, beautiful, and awesome -- great post, dear friend.  Also it's a random tid-bit sort of, but a couple weeks ago i was just out and about, and reflect upon the fact -- every day there is so much new life in the world!  i love nature and all she has to teach us hehehe you are so awesome, Anon; and i'm so glad to be a part of this community. namaste and peace & love! 
btw, deff is a kind-hearted, open-hearted soul, and i do no think he would mind me saying, if anyone ever wishes or needs a kind word, to pm him would most likely be okay hehe. . . and me of course. . .i meant to put that in my sig a while back -- but wanted to say. . . we're definitely in this world toegether and we swim or sink together, as a earth, so, okay - just wanted to say 
so much happiness right now. . .thank you all, so much for being here. . you make this community amazing.
love and peace
-------------------- Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland Julia Delaney, Bothy Band Rasta Girl, Sister Carol Genesis, Jorma K I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing Do Your Thing, Moondog large . . music garden . . veryall peace them hiStarhouse - main Time Traveler's Guide
|
|