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J-onion
Stranger
Registered: 10/13/15
Posts: 4
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
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Healing Severe Depression With Ayahuasca (in Portland, OR)
#22375247 - 10/13/15 07:27 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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About myself. I have a pretty typical story and yet it has become the most important story of my life that profoundly influenced all aspects of my being in tremendously negative way. To put simply, it's my tragedy and my hell that I am still going through but now, after 10 years of non-stop suffering, I see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. I might never be the same again but I am praying to get back at least something, get to the place where I can at least be somewhat happy and have the strength and resolve to start from scratch, to start learning, working and living. And my ultimate wish is for my mother to see me happy at last.
To say that I've been severely depressed for the past 10 years, would be a huge understatement. I was burning in hell. Quite literally. The roots of my depression go back to me growing up with parents who suffered from severe social anxiety, both of them. Not their fault of course and I love them dearly. As a child and teenager I didn't realize that's what's going on with me, all the while it was getting ingrained in me and becoming part of me which would bring me a lot of sorrow and suffering further down the road. That was the root cause, I realized much later. I was in my comfort zone with friends and family and it was ok. I and everyone else around me just thought that's the way I am, quiet and shy. Then when I moved to United States at the age of 22. I was taken out of my comfort zone and the troubles began. How severe of a social anxiety? I couldn't talk to strangers. Literally. I was so nervous, I was shaking. Words wouldn't come out. People thought I was crazy or mentally ill. It wasn't getting any better. It was only getting worse. Eventually, I've developed huge burning headaches that were with me 24/7 and then the burning pain spread to my chest, to my throat and to all over my body. I was burning in hell. For 10 years. This kind of stress and physical pain can do a lot of damage to your brain. And it did. I am introverted and used to enjoy being with myself and with my ideas and thoughts. Used to love reading books and pausing every sentence to contemplate and find analogies and extensions of my own ideas. Used to love talking to my friends and introverts like me. Used to love entertaining myself coming up funny jokes and banter with a cashier lady at the grocery store. All of that was gone and more. My memory, my verbal fluency, my ideas, my humanity. I was slowly eroding and now I am just a shell of who I used to be. I feel numb and dumb. What they say is that depression leads to a tragic loss of personality and human potential. Unfortunately that's what happened to me. Unlucky.
But I've decided that I won't stop fighting for myself. My mother and father gave me the most precious thing that exists on earth - my life. I've decided that I will fight to be happy until my dying breath.
I've tried a lot of things to cure myself:
Been on Zoloft for 2 years. Didn't help. Grown my own psylocybin mushrooms. It took me 6 months to figure out how to grow them. Then I took them 20-25 times. Didn't help. Tried Ketmain therapy. Didn't help. Tried Ibogaine flood dose. Didn't help (Ibogaine probably could've helped if I kept taking it but it is really really hard on your body and the trip lasts full 36 hours. I was recovering from it for 2-3 weeks and couldn't imagine taking it often). Tried Parnate (MAOI anti-depressant). This is an old type of anti-depressant and actually was helping quite a bit but there are two drawbacks - I might have needed to stay on it until the rest of my life and it was affecting my heart in a negative way. Not good. I made sure I discontinued taking it well in advance before I took ayahuasca, as there could be potentially lethal interaction.
I finally stumbled upon Ayahuasca article in Wikipedia and further, Kira Salak's article in National Geographic and I thought to myself, this is it, this is the solution I've been looking for all these years. I already started mentally packing my bags to Peru and decided I would spend there however much it's going to take for me to get better and really "come back" to my family. 2 years, 3 years, 10 years. It didn't matter. Your health is the most precious thing you have. I would trade billions to being homeless on a street but healthy.
At the same time, I was looking for a local option within United States and after searching for a long, long time, I got lucky, really lucky. I found this amazing group of guys here in my Pacific NW, who had gone to Peru, trained there to be world class shamans and now offering their services right here, very close to where I live. I was exhausted from my sickness and my search but gathered last modicums of strength I have left in me for the final push. I was hoping I would see immediate results as it seemed like Ayahuasca is miraculous healing thing and was designed specifically to treat my condition and similar mental/psychological ailments but at the same time I realized that the extent of my problem is such and depression was destroying me for so long that the kind of damage that was done to me, to undo that, it could require more than one session and maybe much more. I was right. It took me 20+ ceremonies over the span of 7 months to start seeing significant improvement. My best moment came a few weeks ago, when one afternoon, all of a sudden, I felt.. HAPPY and ENERGETIC and I was smiling and joking with strangers!! For the first time in 10 years I finally felt MYSELF. I finally felt HAPPINESS. Zach, the leader of the group of shamans, told me that I am not going to just wake up happy one day and stay that way (although it's possible in other cases) and that I will start to have moments like this and then it might go away and sometimes I will feel like I am sliding back and then again there is going to be a little light here and there and then it will grow and the signal will get stronger and eventually I will wake up and be at my full strength and this has been my process and I feel like there is a lot of truth and wisdom in his words.
I must mention that these guys are out of this world. They are fully committed to what they do, they pour their heart and soul into you. They spend all of their energy trying to heal you. I will be forever grateful and dedicated to them as you rarely meet people like this. And the healing songs they sing during ceremonies .. just incredible. I never been much of a singer but even I find myself singing along. It's so beautiful.
I am still not nearly done healing and it's a process and in my case it might be a very long process which could take another year or two but considering how long I was sick and how much damage was done to my system and what options are available from the western medicine standpoint, I consider myself incredibly lucky to have stepped foot on this healing journey which I believe will lead me to full recovery and having a happy end to my life story. All I want is for my mother to see his son come back home.
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Wotko
Mr. Breeze



Registered: 09/29/15
Posts: 113
Loc: West of the Ozarks
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: Healing Severe Depression With Ayahuasca (in Portland, OR) [Re: J-onion]
#22375989 - 10/13/15 09:46 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Congrats on your progress towards healing and your journey. Portland is an awesome city and the surrounding area is beautiful. I had a similar life experience to you social issues from my family. I also took Zoloft prescribed to me after a divorce due to depression as well as oxy I got from friend. First time I took psychadelics was Portland and it helped me tremendously. But I was also drinking crown royal the whole time I was there so I always felt I robbed myself from the true experience of psychadelics. Now that I'm a few years older I'm looking to get back on the path towards healing and "happiness." I've been looking at ayahuasca for awhile now myself. Glad to hear that it's helping you. Looks like you've found a good group of people and a true medicine to help you. Keep trucking along man.
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thewanderer25
Special Karma



Registered: 08/11/13
Posts: 1,642
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
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Re: Healing Severe Depression With Ayahuasca (in Portland, OR) [Re: Wotko]
#22376089 - 10/13/15 10:06 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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I love ayahuasca it is not anything like a drug. The thing is that you dont need more healing next time ask the mother to guide you. She took me on a trip ayahuasca is more about discovering primal instincts than anything. We are animals we connect with the plants and animals more than we realize. These days where everything is connected its good to get back to a primal state every now and again.
Everyones story is unique but ayahuasca helps almost everyone who uses it respectfully. Ayahuasca is about you try and discover yourself go into the trip with a goel. Your ayahuasca goel is like blowing out a candle on a birthday cake you don't need to tell anyone but you will know what is when its time.
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gnrm23
Carpal Tunnel
Registered: 08/29/99
Posts: 6,488
Loc: n. e. OH, USSA
Last seen: 3 months, 24 days
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Re: Healing Severe Depression With Ayahuasca (in Portland, OR) [Re: J-onion]
#22380233 - 10/14/15 06:58 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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low doses of caapi vine alone (or even a manske/hasenfratz extraction of syrian rue seeds) (to yield per oral dose ~ 20 - 50 mg harmala alkaloids) is sufficient for several days of anti-depressant activity; no DMT (chakruna, chaliponga, acacia, mimosa, whatever...)is required, & the dose is low enough that the psychic effects are minimized... & your body MAO is usually not fully inhibited with very low doses of beta-carbolines... and that's a good thing...
-------------------- old enough to know better not old enough to care
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J-onion
Stranger
Registered: 10/13/15
Posts: 4
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
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Re: Healing Severe Depression With Ayahuasca (in Portland, OR) [Re: Wotko]
#22380976 - 10/14/15 09:29 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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It definitely takes a lot of commitment and sticking to it. In the beginning, even after 5-6 ceremonies, I didn't see any improvement whatsoever and considering how much I read about Ayahuasca being a miracle helper and how much I believed in it and this being my pretty much last option, I started to feel despair and a lot of doubt but I was told that I need to stick with it and just do it until I see a little light here and there. A little by little. It's a process. Some people have their issues healed after one retreat of 3-5 sessions and that's great but for someone like me it might take a year or two and that's ok. 2 years of working to heal myself and then 30-40 years of happy life. I will take that! Also, I consider myself incredibly lucky to have found these amazing guys right here near where I live in Pacific NW. I don't know if I could've done it if I had to go all the way to Peru.
Edited by J-onion (10/14/15 09:42 PM)
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J-onion
Stranger
Registered: 10/13/15
Posts: 4
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
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Re: Healing Severe Depression With Ayahuasca (in Portland, OR) [Re: gnrm23]
#22381059 - 10/14/15 09:49 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
gnrm23 said: low doses of caapi vine alone (or even a manske/hasenfratz extraction of syrian rue seeds) (to yield per oral dose ~ 20 - 50 mg harmala alkaloids) is sufficient for several days of anti-depressant activity; no DMT (chakruna, chaliponga, acacia, mimosa, whatever...)is required, & the dose is low enough that the psychic effects are minimized... & your body MAO is usually not fully inhibited with very low doses of beta-carbolines... and that's a good thing...
Micro dosing caapi vine does help elevate mood in mildly depressed or healthy people. In my case, I was micro dosing on caapi every day for 2 months and it didn't produce any effect on me. It actually had a negative effect on me, where I felt out of sorts, half here half there, couldn't do much of anything, other than lying in bed. But I am severely, severely depressed and maybe that's why. But that's just my experience. It could be helpful in other case, you never know until you try.
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voodoochild1000
psychonautic



Registered: 02/04/15
Posts: 2,531
Loc: Cascades!
Last seen: 8 months, 16 days
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Re: Healing Severe Depression With Ayahuasca (in Portland, OR) [Re: J-onion]
#22383356 - 10/15/15 12:55 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
J-onion said: It definitely takes a lot of commitment and sticking to it. In the beginning, even after 5-6 ceremonies, I didn't see any improvement whatsoever and considering how much I read about Ayahuasca being a miracle helper and how much I believed in it and this being my pretty much last option, I started to feel despair and a lot of doubt but I was told that I need to stick with it and just do it until I see a little light here and there. A little by little. It's a process. Some people have their issues healed after one retreat of 3-5 sessions and that's great but for someone like me it might take a year or two and that's ok. 2 years of working to heal myself and then 30-40 years of happy life. I will take that! Also, I consider myself incredibly lucky to have found these amazing guys right here near where I live in Pacific NW. I don't know if I could've done it if I had to go all the way to Peru.
...PERU sounds dangerous! ...Pdx is better!
-------------------- ....."So Great!"....-Me on 1.5mg LSD ...."We don't need this" -Larkin in response to my "just picked wild LSD!" post
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s240779

Registered: 12/07/10
Posts: 12,880
Last seen: 2 months, 10 days
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Re: Healing Severe Depression With Ayahuasca (in Portland, OR) [Re: J-onion]
#22397553 - 10/18/15 12:49 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
J-onion said: Micro dosing caapi vine does help elevate mood in mildly depressed or healthy people. In my case, I was micro dosing on caapi every day for 2 months and it didn't produce any effect on me. It actually had a negative effect on me, where I felt out of sorts, half here half there, couldn't do much of anything, other than lying in bed.
That state developed after using it for a period of time? Or you simply got such an effect every time you dosed? Because it does produce a drunken-like state if you take enough...
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J-onion
Stranger
Registered: 10/13/15
Posts: 4
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
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Re: Healing Severe Depression With Ayahuasca (in Portland, OR) [Re: s240779]
#22399800 - 10/18/15 07:56 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Da2ra said:
Quote:
J-onion said: Micro dosing caapi vine does help elevate mood in mildly depressed or healthy people. In my case, I was micro dosing on caapi every day for 2 months and it didn't produce any effect on me. It actually had a negative effect on me, where I felt out of sorts, half here half there, couldn't do much of anything, other than lying in bed.
That state developed after using it for a period of time? Or you simply got such an effect every time you dosed? Because it does produce a drunken-like state if you take enough...
It does depend on a dose. If I take 3 spoons, I don't feel much of anything and I feel like I am not taking enough and therefore wasting a product. Then I up the dose to 5 spoons and that's when I become very unproductive and yes, a bit drunk like state. Maybe taking a good dose every 3 days is a way to go, since caapi still stays in your system for 2-3 days after but in that case you need to completely free your schedule for that day, which isn't always possible.
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