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circastes
Big Questions Small Head



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I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself
#22369580 - 10/12/15 05:52 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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I think my crap childhood which had its fair share or emotional disasters at school (public speaking emotional breakdowns, getting screamed at by teachers in front of the class while I suppress a panic attack, being the 'tough guy' and one day the whole year level turned on me and I cried and showed that I really was no tough guy) and at home (some possible physical abuse, father with mental health issues that always rejected us) has left me being
REEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLYYYYYYYYY
fucking hard on myself, at times. Like I completely hate myself and want to kill myself. It's ingrained, I just sit there thinking nothing and the physical body just attacks itself emotionally.
A lot of the time though I'm okay, pretty stable, getting things together.
But one little fuck up and I just slam myself.
What do? Just gradually try to reason out the extremes ("wasn't that bad", "there's always tomorrow", etc.), deep relaxation techniques when it comes on? Maybe get involved in some more activity that shows me I'm not a horrible person? Psychotherapist?

Pic related, it's how I react when I think about the value of myself.
-------------------- My solitude... My shield... My armour... TESTED WITH FULL FORCE
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once in a lifetime
sun child



Registered: 02/12/15
Posts: 1,807
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: circastes]
#22369780 - 10/12/15 06:25 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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hey bro, i feel ya and have been thru. . . well, all states of happiness and sadness pretty much .. a thousand thousand times over. .
Everything that is good in the universe is within you.
There's new life always .. every day there is so much new life in the world, I had that thought a little while earlier today.
You shine a lot of light into the world, Circastes, that has a very positive impact. . Don't underestimate your worth or value.
You're not alone.
Peace  Best thing I have found for healing anger, transforming it - is taking care of it with love. . . Whatever arises within us - that's part of us, too. . so, love can transform these things. .
the concept of 'Don't over-correct' is a very useful one in many endeavors... for instance, when a ship's captain who is out at sea --- let's say a hundred years ago, with that kind of wheel and what not - if he finds he is off-course slightly - it's only a slight adjustment to get back on course.. just analogy from one of those endeavors 
hope you have a great day my friend,
talk to you, j.
-------------------- Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland Julia Delaney, Bothy Band Rasta Girl, Sister Carol Genesis, Jorma K I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing Do Your Thing, Moondog large . . music garden . . veryall peace them hiStarhouse - main Time Traveler's Guide
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Akeldama

Registered: 07/31/14
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: once in a lifetime]
#22371316 - 10/12/15 11:11 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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It's part of being human. If it wasn't this, it would be something else. Just gotta learn to roll with the suffering, accept the suffering, realize you will suffer more in life, and somehow, ironically, find happiness from it.
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muckamuck
Stranger
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: Akeldama]
#22371639 - 10/13/15 01:45 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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I can relate to this, childhood is important, we're still just older children after all, and that's how we should treat ourselves. I mean, if some kid was being stupid near you, would you hate it and want to kill it? I would hope not. More likely you would laugh and shrug it off because that's just what they do. Don't be so hard on yourself, we're all here to make mistakes and learn stuff.
Another thing I do sometimes is to imagine my life is some weird protracted sitcom... a lot of the things I worry about become kinda funny if I think about them while playing the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme in my head.
And yeah, finding something you want to do and doing it until you're really good at it might help, in terms of self-worth.
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once in a lifetime
sun child



Registered: 02/12/15
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: muckamuck]
#22371983 - 10/13/15 07:15 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Very good point, muckamuck!!!
profoundly good, in fact. you reminded me of this quote -
'Love is the capacity to take care, to protect, to nourish. If you are not capable of generating that kind of energy toward yourself- if you are not capable of taking care of yourself, of nourishing yourself, of protecting yourself- it is very difficult to take care of another person.'
by Thay, i found it upon searching here: http://www.katinkahesselink.net/tibet/Thich-Nhat-Hanh-love-q.html
Let us know. Let us know. . . I woke up thinking about ya, so to let you know i care. if that's too much, my apologies.
Association is everything. Who we are friends with - nothing affects life more than that. Of course peace work is wonderful - but we have to have the ability to help first -- get up on dry land, then help others who are still struggling in the river... In other words - yes, those lost in darkness deserve love - and, everyone deserves love. . . I remember, one of the first people I loved with all my heart shared that, and of course it stayed with me. . . So even those completely lost deserve love -- but help where you can, you know?
If someone closes theirself off from you - or tries to use friendship you gave them to manipulate -- they are generally not going to respond to love and kindness - that's just, -- that part I have to agree with Akeldama with -- part of life and it happens, just to move on is best. . . all of humanity is my family, I have always known this.
To quote Viv -- 'This life is a hard fact; Work through it boldly. Though it may be adamantine - The soul is stronger.'
Although I would also say - 'Freedom from suffering is a great happiness' -- again Thay.
Everything that arises - ceases, at some point. . . Those who fear will always try to spread that fear -- or,
they just do so naturally, we all affect the universe -- those who are fearless, will also wish to share this with others,
because there is really. just. nothing. to. fear.
We've been here for billions of years -- learned many things. Self-love, and Self-faith, are two strong points of life. . . The latter - opens up every door. Wisdom is knowing which ones to open.
Love and healing and so forth - are really wonderful; one can embody them in full, this is not too difficult, once we are healed completely --
Again association is so much the main thing -- how can one learn happiness , Peace - all on one's own...?
Well - that's very possible, too!!!
Because - we are always connected with the Sun, Earth, Sky, Moon, Clouds, Stars, Life,
All fish - all birds - all trees - all is interconnected.
So if you walk - and you wish sometimes, you could be with the most beautiful, wise, kind, strong, healthy, person in the world -- the most honored and respected -- or anything like that --
You are always with that Love; It is within everything. . . Transform your heart and you transform the world.
In the meantime, bring everything good to your heart. . . Choose the most wonderful - do this, and you'll be as though bathed in the light of their genius. . .
It's quite wonderful -- Shelley, Goethe, da Vinci, Whitman -- whomever you find to be that type of person. . . There are hundreds and thousands of them.
So - self-love, very worthwhile - no one in the world deserves your love more than you. You deserve love very much.
And love and healing are the most powerful thing in the world. . . once again - while you are growing, and learning,
Stay away from those who would erode you. Later on - share your love with them if you wish. . .
But also - time and circumstances --- some people's hearts are stone...
It's sad but it's true. Don't worry about them. They will wake up one day - or they won't,
either way it's okay.
Peeeeeeace to earth mother 
again, let us know! !
feel better my friend
-------------------- Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland Julia Delaney, Bothy Band Rasta Girl, Sister Carol Genesis, Jorma K I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing Do Your Thing, Moondog large . . music garden . . veryall peace them hiStarhouse - main Time Traveler's Guide
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once in a lifetime
sun child



Registered: 02/12/15
Posts: 1,807
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: once in a lifetime]
#22371990 - 10/13/15 07:21 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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and don't worry about the previous, neanderthal basically way of going through life - bludgeoning anything in front of them -- blindly groping in darkness.
Open your eyes and see 
i'm talking about sensitivity and intelligence -- A. Esfandiari, Tom Dwan -- could not be where they are if they did not have an incredibly keen sensitivity - awareness of the microbehaviors and feelings going on around them --- there is no dichotomy. Strength and awareness are not opposites -- the bludgeoners and the bullies -- they have no success when it comes to anything cerebral, and it is the mind which creates our lives - the mind ( Mind/h'art ) which makes our choices, and chose where we are today, and where we shall be tomorrow.
Anyway,
Peace and love.
-------------------- Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland Julia Delaney, Bothy Band Rasta Girl, Sister Carol Genesis, Jorma K I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing Do Your Thing, Moondog large . . music garden . . veryall peace them hiStarhouse - main Time Traveler's Guide
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circastes
Big Questions Small Head



Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 8,781
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Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: once in a lifetime]
#22374269 - 10/13/15 04:33 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Wow! Thanks once in a lifetime, that's spiritual/social advice on a very high level. Sounds about right too.
I'm better today, perhaps there is some brain dysfunction still... but there's definitely a manual, voluntary, psychological habit of telling myself I'm not good enough, that I have to try harder. Just today I'm handling it better, maybe because I've been analysing my thoughts a bit as they arise, wondering if these old habits have any basis. I would have done this earlier but my brain hasn't been well.
-------------------- My solitude... My shield... My armour... TESTED WITH FULL FORCE
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once in a lifetime
sun child



Registered: 02/12/15
Posts: 1,807
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: circastes]
#22374418 - 10/13/15 05:02 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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association is everything, my friend. find people who are healthy-minded, and you will learn to be.
always use your h'art and mind to determine if someone is trustworthy, etc.
the key thing is - avoid people lost in darkness -- anger -- pain or fear --
unless you are aware of it, and know how to help them over come it - and, they want you to, etc.
peace and love.

i noticed this: http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/21632093
she was one of my teachers. . . not i met personally, but thru her audio talks. . . beyond anything i ever experienced. . .
later i listened to thay's audio's too - equally beautiful - but in all truth, Tara's were the most transforming experience of my life;
let me get in touch deeply and be who i wished to be, completely in regards to feelings and emotions;
tho' i'd studied the best of the best, for over a decade ( always, reading slow )
for comprehension. . . as i have a perfect memory since birth, and do not wish or spend much time cluttering with any unnecessary info 

also, she is worthwhile and seemed a good fit - she talks about the 'trance of unworthiness' a fair deal,
and one of her main points is, radical acceptance,
so it seemed appropriate
so, ya. i went thru about , gosh, several dozen. . . over the years - also downloaded a lot and have them on my laptop ( many years old yet completely perfect for a word-lover like me )
as well as thay's and of course, some lovely music. . . oh and a lot of good books from gutenberg - - one of the best things i ever did.
anyway at one point, one does out-grow even the most divine, blissful, wise, and loving teachers.
may this be of benefit;
Peace and love.

-------------------- Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland Julia Delaney, Bothy Band Rasta Girl, Sister Carol Genesis, Jorma K I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing Do Your Thing, Moondog large . . music garden . . veryall peace them hiStarhouse - main Time Traveler's Guide
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resonant111
left ∞ right

Registered: 03/02/11
Posts: 1,952
Loc: IL
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: once in a lifetime]
#22380806 - 10/14/15 08:52 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
once in a lifetime said:
i'm talking about sensitivity and intelligence -- A. Esfandiari, Tom Dwan -- could not be where they are if they did not have an incredibly keen sensitivity - awareness of the microbehaviors and feelings going on around them --- there is no dichotomy.
ok the fact that you mentioned "the magician" and tom dwan in this thread just really tripped me out hardcore. didn't think i'd ever see that in a shroomery thread like this lol.
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once in a lifetime
sun child



Registered: 02/12/15
Posts: 1,807
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: resonant111] 1
#22380900 - 10/14/15 09:12 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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as you have just done for me 
i haven't been so happy in - i don't know how long.
such random occurrences
tears of joy, truthfully.
my father was born in Illinois too, but grew up in Stillwater, Okla.
an' my grampa, wonderful fellow, i only met him once! very sweet musician on piano
-------------------- Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland Julia Delaney, Bothy Band Rasta Girl, Sister Carol Genesis, Jorma K I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing Do Your Thing, Moondog large . . music garden . . veryall peace them hiStarhouse - main Time Traveler's Guide
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FishOilTheKid
Ascended



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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: circastes]
#22382437 - 10/15/15 08:42 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Strangely the only reality is ecstasy or love.
You said this^ in another thread.
Then you say this:
Quote:
Like I completely hate myself and want to kill myself. It's ingrained, I just sit there thinking nothing and the physical body just attacks itself emotionally.
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Konyap

Registered: 06/30/07
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: FishOilTheKid]
#22382820 - 10/15/15 10:44 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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they're called "put down's" it's what people use to justify being douchebags for the 5 seconds they see you that day
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once in a lifetime
sun child



Registered: 02/12/15
Posts: 1,807
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: Konyap]
#22383565 - 10/15/15 01:46 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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i don't think anyone would ask for help if they weren't being sincere, FishOil. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help when one feels this way.
it has been over a decade since i ever felt this way but i definitely did, at one time; that is why i can commiserate and empathize -
it is very possible to heal from anything -- this is the secret, basically.
back then, so many years ago, i was on my own - why is self-faith so important?
because when one is healed, when one is at peace -- when one is happy; then one benefits so many - -
not just one's family and friends, but the whole world -- this is the basis of peace work.
a smile can brighten someone's day -- tangibly -- and this act of kindness can inspire so many others.
They may go on further, to do many kind acts -- Kindness indeed prevents suffering.
A smile, a hug, a kind word -- all of these improve the immune system; preventing any disease.
A lot of life happens through memes -- What we believe is very powerful, generally, and it is quite beautiful that we have such health within us--
indeed, perfect health is natural and normal -- this is our natural state. Love and kindness are strengthening to the immune system --
And this is the natural way to heal and move forward. Shantideva - an ancient poet, and Buddhist monk, wrote many beautiful verses about this type of thing.
Self-faith has another attribute -- Self-reliance and so forth -- this is the most natural, the most basic key .. . .
However -- this is the most important thing about friendship, I could say : True Friends never attempt to punish someone who is there friend.
Does this make sense?
Looking for the beautiful - the kindness, the wisdom, the insight within other people -- this helps to bring it out, you know?
' Correction does much, but encouragement does more,'in the words of Goethe, yet - -
These days it seems, rather further apart -- Simply let people be, if you see they have a wound. . .
Shantideva wrote about that -- guard the mind, etc. . .
Humans have an innate tendency to attack weakness -- you know? Yet this is from our distant past --
We have overcome it, when we rise above it -- and it is quite possible to do so.
We pick up habits and tendencies from others -- subconsciously -- this is how we learn;
So we are always affecting other people - and they are affecting us; when we are in a room with someone,
there is always connection.
So this is why peace work -- has always been - reach health, peace, happiness, wisdom in one's own life --
Then simply being there for people, that is all that needs to be done in terms of peace work.
Making ourselves available - and you see, it's not about correcting others faults - it's about simply loving them.
For someone's faults are not even faults, really - there are mistakes - to be sure. And everyone has made mistakes --
Indeed, making mistakes is often the quickest way to wisdom -- we learn more from mistakes often, than from when everything is smooth and good --
Yet -- it is possible to be free of mistakes -- to simply and naturally be;
A good way to consider this is - can a person walk through a field, and never trip and fall?
Yes, very certainly. As Thay said - it is possible to live 24 hours a day in a state of love; every word, thought, and gesture can be infused with love.
Further, this is not some distant goal -- difficult to attain -- It is one single step. One simple step.
The idea that love - a lightened heart - or enlightenment is nigh impossible to achieve -- that is the only obstacle.
The mind has a great amount of power over the body - this is why if one has healthy-mindedness; wisdom, peace, happiness -- the body is naturally and almost instantly healed.
And - this again comes to self-faith. . . When one can be a full tree. . . when one is reached their full potential --
Which really has nothing to do with the material; only a few pure foods, water, and so forth, some loved ones -- they can be the earth, sun and sky and sea even --
is all that is needed. . . anyway, when one reaches their full potential - then they shine so greatly. . .
and they brighten the lives of so very many around them.
But in the initial stages -- protection of one's heart, is very valuable and important -- find those who are kind - wise - peaceful, healthy, happy, and kindred. . . and in this way one makes progress.
Again -- association.
One should not become friends with someone who is not capable of it - who would someday try to punish a friend -- that isn't friendship -- that can never be friendship.
Particularly, those who would erode others' health, etc.
Don't be discouraged though -- whatever seems very difficult to achieve -- we appreciate it all the more when we get there.
This also helps very much from falling ever again -- Simple appreciation of each and every aspect of life. . .
Gratitude works miracles, it truly does. As Meister Ekchart wrote; ' If the only prayer you ever say in your life is thank you -- that is enough. '
And probably the most important thing - besides all of the rest -- about liberation, health, wisdom, beauty, love, etc --
Is to understand that everyone can reach the highest level -- This is the one thing that is most important, I would say.
This is the last bastion of the falseness, basically -- to say that only a few can become liberated, happy, wise, kind, peaceful, blissful - and attain perfect health --
That's the last bastion of falseness basically. It is one more that creates divides -- and if someone clings to that last, fading illusion,
It will definitely hold them back, from realizing that they have enough room in their heart, for the world.
Love and peace -
Good health to all.
-------------------- Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland Julia Delaney, Bothy Band Rasta Girl, Sister Carol Genesis, Jorma K I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing Do Your Thing, Moondog large . . music garden . . veryall peace them hiStarhouse - main Time Traveler's Guide
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FishOilTheKid
Ascended



Registered: 11/14/10
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: once in a lifetime]
#22384266 - 10/15/15 04:32 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
i don't think anyone would ask for help if they weren't being sincere, FishOil. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help when one feels this way.
Didn't mean to sound as though I was assuming he wasn't sincerely asking for help. Thanks for the reply, I hear you.
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Vsnares.Zappa
bend over


Registered: 05/04/11
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: FishOilTheKid]
#22384397 - 10/15/15 04:56 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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is'nt he bi-polar ?
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once in a lifetime
sun child



Registered: 02/12/15
Posts: 1,807
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: FishOilTheKid]
#22384591 - 10/15/15 05:28 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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i hear ya 

i wasn't sure, and it's ok either way, i think the next poster thought maybe;
but all good 
o ya was gonna say, 'dis year a lotta weather... did you hear? what i heard was cooler in the south and warmer northwest;
an colder up in northeast this weekend
love
-------------------- Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland Julia Delaney, Bothy Band Rasta Girl, Sister Carol Genesis, Jorma K I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing Do Your Thing, Moondog large . . music garden . . veryall peace them hiStarhouse - main Time Traveler's Guide
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circastes
Big Questions Small Head



Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 8,781
Loc: straya
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: once in a lifetime]
#22385871 - 10/15/15 09:49 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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The only reality is ecstasy or love but I don't claim to hold that state indefinitely. Outside of these states I have a life to live. Life is very complex, and my current problem with it is that when I go to live it I find myself just slamming myself with negative self-talk... I don't just walk around my house in Nirvana. 
And yeah schizophrenia is my diagnosis, or schizoaffective, which is a mix of schizophrenic and bipolar symptoms. So I struggle with that as well, and who knows maybe it's just the schizoaffective talking here.
-------------------- My solitude... My shield... My armour... TESTED WITH FULL FORCE
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FishOilTheKid
Ascended



Registered: 11/14/10
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: circastes]
#22387397 - 10/16/15 08:17 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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I think you should give serious thought to the game being played here by malicious beings that would produce this kind of experience for you. I am going through something similar but I am aware and can see the beings that are doing this to me. I don't believe in the medical model because of the ongoing observation by myself of these beings in my life. Just something to consider. BTW, I was diagnosed schizoaffective then with schizophrenia then with paranoid schizophrenia due to my insisting on reporting the truth of these being's involvement in my life to authorities who I thought could do something real to remove them or protect me from them... Turns out they don't believe in them... Consider them just hallucinations and in my case truly don't know shit about them.
They create a difficult experience for me and my supposed perceived self worth by psychic influence and in voice telepathically. But, its all being manipulated to create a negative experience on purpose. They instructed me to kill myself. They told me enlisting in the military was my only option. They said I was unamerican and to be harvested.
We are part of a collective experience also that is a sort of field of manipulation.
Perhaps it would do you some good to get away from the immediate area for a while if you can. It helps with my situation to simply drive an hour out of town into the next area where other energies exist and different arrangements of tethers and intelligences have a differing influence that may be more positive.
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Konyap

Registered: 06/30/07
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: FishOilTheKid]
#22388191 - 10/16/15 12:41 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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I don't associate any negativity with my disorder unless I've smoked weed and am paranoid bout things. I stopped smoking after a couple month long binge and the existential death aspect worries me. I'm worried at times that I did more harm then good and my mind may punish me for it when I'm older. To escape simply going outside with all of the stimuli, lying down in a bath or getting in a conversation will keep them out of my head.
Edited by Konyap (10/16/15 01:46 PM)
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FishOilTheKid
Ascended



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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: Konyap]
#22388493 - 10/16/15 01:59 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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What has been going on with me is they will broadcast my fears and anxieties or unwanted thoughts at other individuals then try to construct a false reality where they try to convince me that everybody reads my mind and is laughing at me or commenting about me listening. But they are saying it in voices to try to override the natural interaction that goes on otherwise. Like being severed from being itself or truly being yourself by having the shadow on psychotic display for their malicious audience. Its a complete violation of what I thought it is/was to be a person. An attempted reversal of any self work achieved. Then the interaction forms tethers where they drain me with surrounding people and objects most of the time. They use an energy to push up from below me to cause anxiety also and push down on my shoulders or traps to cause depression.
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once in a lifetime
sun child



Registered: 02/12/15
Posts: 1,807
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: FishOilTheKid]
#22388916 - 10/16/15 03:28 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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I know the feeling, dear FishOil. I've found lately, for me, the solution is simply to read a book - of course at some point, even the very best books are not as lovely as just living, not writing or reading, just being; but then i found later on that reading a book is a remarkable protection against that type of stuff.
Peace and love, J.
-------------------- Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland Julia Delaney, Bothy Band Rasta Girl, Sister Carol Genesis, Jorma K I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing Do Your Thing, Moondog large . . music garden . . veryall peace them hiStarhouse - main Time Traveler's Guide
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Anonymous #1
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: once in a lifetime]
#22394358 - 10/17/15 05:11 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Step outside of yourself for a few minutes. Don't worry about the past. Let go of childhood hang ups. There is someone out there, someone you know that has probably had horrors done to them that you couldn't imagine. I think it's strange how most childhood issues don't become issues until we are grown and they no longer matter. I remember looking in the mirror and hating what I saw. I remember wishing I was just a little more ripped, a little better looking. I remember leaving my family and friends to go play soldier. I hated the choice I made. I hated being so far away from all the issues that I used to stress over. I remember sitting in a crumbling house with my rifle in my hand wishing I could go back to that panic attack I got the day I gave a oral report I wasn't prepared for in science class. I wished I could trade places with the kid that was paralyzed with fear and dispair the day he was molested by a family friend. I still remember that day in that crumbled old house. The day I lost my legs and the ability to use my arms. Now when I look in the mirror I am happy. Happy that all the trivial issues I thought I had, that I used to worry about are gone. Happy that it wasn't me that died that day. Happy that I am alive.
Peace be upon you.
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once in a lifetime
sun child



Registered: 02/12/15
Posts: 1,807
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Re: I'm generally okay these days but sometimes I outright fucking hate myself [Re: Anonymous #1]
#22396530 - 10/18/15 07:51 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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So much love 
That was truly - beyond beautiful of you to share; thank you for posting that, friend. Lately I have been watching Dharma and Greg when I see it, and the love in that show, is much more beautiful to me, these days... I almost never had any chance to watch television when I was a kid, which was good for me, in fact one of the best things about my life. Instead I got to listen to my dad play guitar in his woolly sweater, melt into the summer warmth, enjoy the sun and trees... hehe, later I learned deep stillness, peace, and devoted my life to writing for peace, to share encouragement to help for peace and the ecology, simply to do my utmost with all my heart to help heal our nation and world - for which, fortunately, I eventually found the right tools.
Later I learned, there is vastness within; well, full vision of the infinite at a young age; and during the vision, I knew - without shadow of doubt - that light, peace and love would spread over the earth nigh instantly - as what is illusion, it is merely a fine mist; and during my vision i knew it would vanish instantly - and many other things. . . Later on I read Whitman write of that too, expressed it beautifully - that there is a palace within the h'art, to which the sumptuous feast of kings are but a crumb. . . well, let me just quote it.
Hehe, ah, my computer today is being funny with me, not letting me copy some things; so I will type it briefly,
'It is a beautiful truth that all men contain something of the artist in them. And perhaps it is the case that the greatest artists live and die, the world and themselves ignorant alike what they possess. Who would not mourn that an ample palace, of surpassingly graceful architecture, fill'd with luxuries, and embellish'd with fine pictures and sculpture, would stand cold and still and vacant, and never been known or enjoy'd by its owner? Would such a fact as this cause your sadness? Then be sad. For there is a palace, to which the courts of the most sumptuous kings are but a frivolous patch, and though it is always waiting for them, not one of its owners ever enters there with any genuine sense of its grandeur and glory.
I think of few heroic actions, which cannot be traced to the artistical impulse. He who does great deeds, does them from his innate sensitiveness to moral beauty.'
Love and Peace J.
May all beings be safe and well always,
May all be happy, May all be healthy, May all be at peace.
-------------------- Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland Julia Delaney, Bothy Band Rasta Girl, Sister Carol Genesis, Jorma K I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing Do Your Thing, Moondog large . . music garden . . veryall peace them hiStarhouse - main Time Traveler's Guide
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