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Invisiblecricket
Lord Cricket
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Registered: 08/29/03
Posts: 910
Loc: in my house, in front of ...
Tangled Triad, Heavy Heart
    #2236555 - 01/12/04 08:38 AM (13 years, 10 months ago)

I am 32 years old and have been married for 12
years. I have been in a Poly relationship with a second woman for
just over two years. Everything has gone to shit and we are all
having a very hard time with this.
We have had trouble from the start, things have gotten really bad
over the last few months. We finaly decided to call it quits. Well,
my girlfriend decided to call it quits. I understand why, all three
of us know it is the best thing to do, and that we probably should
have done it some time ago.
It was obvious early on that this relationship was doomed to fail,
but we fell in love and we talked ourselves into believing the love
would enough to make it work.
I was tring to give my girlfriend the comitment and time she needed.
My wife loves us both enough to let me pull away from her, and in
some cases pushed me away for the sake of "The relationship". I saw
it happening and it left me riddled with guilt, which in turn made me
afraid to do anything for either of them. We have been caught in this
cycle for two years. They love me enough to put their entire lifes on
hold and sacrifice everything for me, and they have. My wife and
girlfriend both deserve more then half of me, and I was unable to
even give them even that much.
I am also fighting a bad bought of depresion. I had an on the job
accident Dec. 13th that left me with 17 stiches and possible
permanent nerve damage in my right hand. I was fired from my job the
day after X-mas because I failed the post accident drugscreen. (I
wasn't high at the time.)
The medical limitations will keep me from finding work for a while. Money is always tight but with the winter
expensise and holiday bills I am afraid of what will happen. Just to
add to the stress. We all share a house, so this also puts my wife
and I in a posistion were we are financialy dependent on my
girlfriend.
Next to what is going on with the girls the injury and jobloss is
meaningless.
I am having a really hard time dealing with everything that has
happened lately. I am fighting with, and pushing away both of the
people I love. I married the first girl I ever loved. I have never
had to walk away from somebody I cared for this much. I don't know
how to deal with these feelings.
We all live in the same house. So I have to see her (my girlfriend) every day. We have agreed to try to stay together as friends but I can't make these feelings Platonic. It is even harder because we both want to hold on to the sexual relationship. I can see that if I don't straiten myself out soon I will totaly drive her away. I couldn't live with myself if hurt her or my wife anymore.
I should have known I wasn't up to the chalenge of Ployamory. I have
always had trouble with depression. I can be a very jelous and
possesive person. My guilt, fear, anger, and pain can make it
imposible for me to comunicate what I feel without lashing out at the
ones I love.
Does anybody have some advice? sugestions? Words of encouagement?


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Offlinegnrm23
Carpal Tunnel
Registered: 08/30/99
Posts: 6,481
Loc: n. e. OH, USSA
Last seen: 1 month, 11 days
Re: Tangled Triad, Heavy Heart [Re: cricket]
    #2236592 - 01/12/04 09:49 AM (13 years, 10 months ago)

have you considered contacting a clergyperson from the church of all worlds?
www.caw.org


--------------------
old enough to know better
not old enough to care


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