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Violace
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Registered: 10/09/15
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Ego death on first trip, help?
#22355352 - 10/09/15 04:54 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Hello forums!
I'm posting a trip report(sort of) here because I'm desperately seeking some closure/reassurance from some of you more experienced people. Also feels good to get some of this off of my chest.
I'm 20 years old and weigh 140 lbs.
- Initial set
Last weekend I was out with some very good friends of mine whom I've known for a very long time. They had asked me to come along with them to a field located in the center a of a forrest here in Sweden. They told me that it's shroom season and they were going to pick some and chill. Despite me not being much for drugs(previously anti) I just thought "whatever!" I haven't seen these guys in a long time anyways".
So we went out and picked a good amount, and I ended up with about 65 tiny ones in my stack. I was feeling a bit unsure considering the fact that I'm not experienced with drugs and especially psychedelics, but luckily my friend had brought some beers, and after two of them I was feeling excited, with a hint of those typical alcohol type "what's the worst that could happen???" buzz thoughts. We found a nice spot just beside the large field, where I finally finished chewing down all of my 65 mushrooms, after constantly being encouraged to keep eating one more, each time I had said that I feel that I might have had enough. The first 45 mins just felt like the buzz was pure alcohol from the 2 beers I had previously had. After about 10 more minutes I noticed that I was feeling very drunk, dismissing the feeling for the alcohol. 5 minutes into feeling very intoxicated I realized that I shouldn't be this drunk an hour after having 2 beers. At the exact moment of this humorous realization I started to notice that I could taste and feel sounds. I told my friends that it's kicking in and we were having a great time.
- The true onset begins
20 minutes later we had found a nice spot by a lake in the middle of the woods. The strong orange sunset was glazing over the still lake. The environment was beautiful, it couldn't have been a better circumstance for a first trip. My friends were making small talk during this time, but I was struggling to answer their questions or even say anything - I began to lose the ability to convert what's in my head into words. About 10 minutes later I began feeling the serious effects of the mushroom. The voices of my friends started to have a noticeable echo as I was also losing the ability to comprehend the concept of time. We were talking about games and the topic was old games. Every time a game I had played a long time ago was mentioned I would begin to say something about how I play that game and what's fun to do in it. My friends were surprised at how I claimed to still be playing these old games. I simply couldn't grasp the idea of past and future by this point. My eyes were also constantly watering.
- Death begins
As the darkness outside falls, so does the awareness of my ego. The strange "mushroom feeling" I was feeling had now escalated enough to become some sort of an experience. It was as if though a new form of extra-dimensional hyperspace revealed itself. A space where all dimensions above XYZ existed, it was a state incomprehensible to the human mind, something only comprehensible under the influence of the mushroom(or perhaps death?). The hyperspace between "me" and existence was becoming greater by light years at a time. It didn't cease to expand. The space continued to expand for what felt like all eternity, it expanded so far that it became pure nothing. What's behind the eyes and mind of my earthly body had become literally nothing but pure existence, something space less and timeless, and far more real than the physical world.
After I don't know how long, or little for that matter, this "existence" began to dream. It was as if slipping into a dream. A dream where I was sitting in the woods at night, with a couple of people, and the only light source was a street light shining straight down on us. A huge surge of fear rushed the dream, and I quickly started to remember my entire life within this dream, and I was now vaguely conscious again. Despite being conscious, that hyper space "everything" existence type "feeling" was overpowering the consciousness within this "dream" I used to call life. The result of this feeling of realization that nothing was real but merely a dream, was me being very rude and screaming(don't remember what) towards my friends, and feeling very afraid and confused. I was feeling unsafe and was becoming aware that this wasn't an actual dream but a life, "my" life. During this "dreaming" period out in the dark I had the strongest urge I've ever had in my life to feel completely safe. I did no longer trust my friends. My friends were very worried and telling me to calm down. I shouted that I wanted to get back to the train station we came from, back to civilization. I remember my friends desperately insisting I stay with them. It was horrible, because I now felt as if I was aware that my friends weren't real, merely an illusion within a dream, individual fragments of "myself". The two most primitive options for safety made themselves clear; 1: Run into the forrest as fast as I can, for as long as I can, until I am no longer visible to other humans, thus not as vulnerable. 2: Call my mother and tell her to take me home.
I kept reminding myself that these were my friends and that they would not kill me, but I felt extremely scared and confused, I also felt as if I was constantly slowly slipping into something that might have been death. I managed to call my mother and tell her what was going on and to pick me up. She was shocked, she knows me for the drug free child I once was, who would never have done anything like this. I could still not physically feel anything within the physical world, I had no sense of pain or touch, all sound was very obscure. All I could feel was an overwhelming sense of cold. The coldness was prominent through out the entire experience. I remember trying to clench my phone as hard as I could to make sure it was real, but felt nothing at all. After talking to my mother I began to completely disregard my friends and began to quickly walk down the first path I saw. At this point the "dream" blacks out again and pure existence is the only thing.
The "dream" begins again. This time I'm near the train station, holding the phone with my mother on the line. I was walking towards the train station, completely silent. My friends were extremely worried walking after me, insisting to talk to my mother again. As we were walking past the empty train station towards the street where my friends told me my mother was to pick me up, I slowly began to "realize" reality, and the extra-dimensional hyperspace between me and existence began to shrink somewhat. Life was becoming more clear, it was starting to take over again, and all my senses were stabilizing.
- Coming back
The moment we arrived at the street I saw the bright lights of my mothers car. She picked me up and I said goodbye to my very worried friends(she did offer them a ride). During the car ride I was still coming down, and thus still somewhat in that strange "hyperspace" state. I broke down crying like a baby in the car. I felt completely alone. I still felt as if I was dreaming, and everyone else is just an individual fragment of myself, that we all share the exact same existence. I a.k.a my "ego" was completely shattered. I couldn't stop crying, everything felt so extremely pointless, and this pointlessness was eternal. I'm a person who's always thought that life is quite pointless, but fun, and that it feels good. But now during this car ride home I could literally feel the pointlessness, the empty ness, and the lonely ness. During this time could still comprehend the entire universe, and dimensions beyond XY and Z, but I could only comprehend them. As soon as I would start to try to think about what I was comprehending, I would instantly get a pulsating migraine and severe nausea as if I was about to puke. All I could do was listen to my tear drops hit the rubber floor as I was thinking one word to myself, "FUCK".
During the ride I felt extreme disappointment and completely alienated from everyone and everything else. But I knew that I wouldn't be able to exactly recall what I was "feeling" or experiencing because it was clear to me that this isn't comprehensible in a normal state. So I decided to see if I could make a meaning of it all. What I came up with was that existence is eternal, and that there's never a real reason to ever feel bad or sad. If you want to feel good and happy, just feel good and happy. And even if the universe I know is nothing but the dream of a greater existence, it's the realest thing I will ever get to know, so I might as well not be bummed out about it.
I was also thinking about how to explain this extra-dimensional "feeling" to myself after it's over. The best explanation to the experience isn't to try to explain the experience itself, because it's incomprehensible, it's to explain somewhat HOW it's incomprehensible. Just imagine you've only seen stick figures in your life, that your entire life has been a society of stick figures drawn from the side in 2D and that you have never seen depth or a 3D object. In this stickfigure world appears the drawing of a 3D cube drawn with 8 lines(X Y dimensions). Since you haven't seen the 3D world/Z depth, a 3D cube drawn in lines will simply appear as a strange arrangement of lines rather than an object that has depth. You simply wouldn't be able to comprehend the Z dimension that was depicted. It's the same in this case but with what knows how many dimensions.
- The effects
A week after this experience my competitive spirit has been severely weakened. Being competitive has been what has made me excel in life. Now I've lost the profound will to even excel. I'm left feeling like I SHOULD excel, but there's no will, there's no point now other than to be and just be. I learned that this "dream" called life is also only experienced one lifespand at a time. But since existence is timeless and space less every person is experienced simultaneously from our physical and time-bound perspective. Do people think this lack of motivation for "success" feels good? How can people just do this for fun?
Feeling significant was a good feeling. I just feel so alone now, speaking to others is like speaking to someone in your dreams. It *feels* like there's an external presence, but it's actually ultimately just yourself. I've always been a very non-spiritual and very "realistic" type of person. This has completely bent my true reality and view of life. Is it possible that I misinterpreted everything and that a new, better trip can prove this was wrong?
I feel that I understand now why this stuff is illegal. I feel that I will suppress this experience as much as possible and let "ego" take full control again. This is something I wish I had chosen to do as an old man with broken dreams, in order to feel at peace with the world before death. Not at this age.
Edited by Violace (10/14/15 03:36 PM)
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mista_dankhead


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Re: Ego death on first trip, help? [Re: Violace]
#22355501 - 10/09/15 05:26 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Hey im busy right now but we should definitely talk tomorrow and beyond...
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Rebelutionsssss
Mdmazing



Registered: 07/23/14
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that's intense man. You ate a massive dose of psilocybin on your first time and weren't ready for the mind shattering experience you were about to have. Turn off our phone next time and remember that this is all part of the drug and you WILL come back. Thats essential. Glad you're ok man and great write up!
-------------------- : To define is to confine.
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Violace
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Definitely wasn't ready! I wouldn't have expected anything like that in 1 million years. My initial mindset to expect the worst, and to understand that whatever happens isn't real, just the drug. I feel that I'm generally quite strong minded and rational but I didn't expect the experience to be more real than anything else imaginable. Will do. Thanks for your understanding!
Edited by Violace (10/14/15 04:03 PM)
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Violace
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Absolutely! Shoot me a PM if you want!
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zZZz
jesus


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Re: Ego death on first trip, help? [Re: Violace]
#22355637 - 10/09/15 06:07 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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interesting trip.  
you said it urself
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What I came up with was that existence is eternal, and that there's never a real reason to ever feel bad or sad. If you want to feel good and happy, just feel good and happy. And even if the universe I know is nothing but the dream of a greater existence, it's the realest thing I will ever get to know, so I might as well not be bummed out about it.
if u're feeling that life is just a dream, and everyone is merely a projection of ur own self, then why not make the most of it?..
nothing should no longer be impossible for u
sure life is a dream, so why are sitting around pretending it's not?..
anyway, it's completely normal to feel the way u do after such a trip, i wouldnt sweat it, shit happens man, drugs happen..
try not dwell on it so much, it's going to take some time to re-adjust, rest assured u'll be back to ur normal self in no time. in the mean time, try to keep urself busy, pick up some hobbies, or continue the ones u already have; watch movies, tv, read books, draw, paint, go for a walk, hike, swim, don't let urself procrastinate these things, dont wonder "oh what's the point?..", no, just do them.
good luck my friend
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cubedryeguy
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Registered: 07/24/15
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Re: Ego death on first trip, help? [Re: zZZz]
#22357442 - 10/10/15 01:49 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Awesome write up! Like zZZz said make the best of it. Aren't games better because we know it's play and make believe? So should life. Some of the happiest moments in life are being a kid and using your imagination to just play. I know my motivation for life is to play this 'game' the best I can. Use that to be the best you that you can be. If I can do it you can too. I am you after all, right?
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Hanz
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Re: Ego death on first trip, help? [Re: Violace]
#22358941 - 10/10/15 12:19 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Hi Violace,
Good write up, but what a nasty first time. I'm so sorry for you.
Before I go any further I just want to say: you took too much. It's that simple. You simply took too much too much. Nothing feels good when you take too much. As a kid I wanted to know why adults drank alcohol. So I drank like half a liter of strong booze.  Even that can give some kind of ego death, a feeling of utter hopelessness, and leave one with questions like, why do people do this, why is this legal, what went wrong, etc.
There's a simple rule when taking drugs: know your dose!
Whenever I do a new kind of substance, I look up the dosage on the erowid site. Then I do allergy tests with micro dosages. (I always use a scale! I care for my well being and my life in general) Then I slowly work up from there, stepping up the dose with at least a week in between, until I reach the sweet-spot. The spot where the effects are as desired, but the side effects are not yet so strong as to be a problem. I never do heroic doses. Why should I. What's the point of just being uncomfortable. There is none.
Btw, did you know that tiny shrooms can have a higher concentration of active compounds than bigger shrooms? With tiny ones you need even less grams to get you high. So, 65 tiny ones? Ayayay brother.   
Now for some advice and closure.
This wound will heal with time. Perhaps even less time than you think. Give it a couple of weeks. Try to do some fun things. Live healthy, exercise, talk to those you love, about anything. Start some new things, read some new books, go to some new places. Anything to fill you up again with joy and hope. With reasons to live. Humans are surprisingly flexible. We can recover even from something as strange as this.
It is possible that you may never like to trip on shrooms again. I've got friends who went through a similar episode. They only use the lighter substances now. Not the challenging stuff. Just don't try anything strange for a while. See how you feel in a year. Are you feeling adventurous? Then perhaps try a low (and informed!) dose of some psychedelic substance. Not up to it? No problem. If you don't hate all drugs, and just want to feel good and secure, I can recommend some good quality MDMA. Just know your dose!
And perhaps you just don't ever want to go near any of this ever again. What's wrong with that? You've learned you lesson, and survived it. Now all that's left to do is enjoy the rest of your life. And from the way it sounds, I think it is quite a good and promising life.
Finally, some facts. After such a strong trip, weed or hash may give you some kind of flashback. So be careful with that. Don't let it surprise you in a wrong situation. The tendency to flashback will disappear over time. And better avoid combining alcohol with drugs. It's just not necessary. If you want to, have that beer afterwards.
Ok, LoL, I'm going to stop now, before I write a full scale novel. If you ever want to talk details with me, just PM me, or ask in this thread. I wish you the best in the near future. Keep it up!
Love, Hanz.
Btw, I liked your description of the higher dimensions. Just know that at suitable dosages it can be a thing to love too. I greatly enjoy when the space around me (slowly!) opens up, and I can see the higher dimensions through the cracks. You just went a little too far for comfort. Got swallowed by the void. And the void, regrettably, is unforgiving.
Ps: My opinion: Legalize shrooms. Shrooms don't kill, booze does.
-------------------- Small scale alternative parties rich in empathy and extravagance. Happen to know of one in the vicinity of Amsterdam? PM me my dear fellow. I love to meet some other freaks. Oh and, if you can,.. embrace the nyctomorph. It needs you.
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Violace
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Re: Ego death on first trip, help? [Re: zZZz]
#22361712 - 10/11/15 04:03 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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That's true! I guess my feelings are just very shooken up right now because my reality has been completely skewed. You make me feel alot better man! Thanks alot.
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Violace
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Re: Ego death on first trip, help? [Re: cubedryeguy]
#22361714 - 10/11/15 04:04 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Thanks! You're absolutely right. I never thought I would be seeing it that way and that's why it's been quite hard for me i guess. Much appreciated
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Violace
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Re: Ego death on first trip, help? [Re: Hanz]
#22361729 - 10/11/15 04:23 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Hey Hanz! Thanks alot for the understanding! You're right. Everyone should have the same smart approach to these things as you! I had no idea how serious this was, it's definitely not a laughing matter. I learnt my lesson haha 
My brother also recently told me that the small ones are usually the most potent. I find it extremely humorous because I never would have eaten that amount if I hadn't only picked the very small innocent looking ones! I relied on my friends for dosage, but apparently they did not know either!
I felt that I might do this again before the post, because I couldn't accept the truth. But after this encouragement I simply just have to adjust my way of thinking. I probably won't be tripping for a very, very long time haha! But the early onset of the mushroom was very fascinating and we had a very good time at that stage, so I'm thinking of just micro dosing(carefully!) with the same friends some day. 
I now think they should be legal as you say but also that awareness must be raised aswell! I could definitely imagine a trip like this leaving some people suicidal. It took me nearly 3 days until my life in the physical world started to feel somewhat authentic again after such a profound experience.
Thanks a lot for the closure Hanz! This is really helping me to boost my recovery! I feel better already Thank you!
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Still_tripping
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Re: Ego death on first trip, help? [Re: Violace]
#22367411 - 10/12/15 10:03 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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I just feel so alone now, speaking to others is like speaking to someone in your dreams. It *feels* like there's an external presence, but it's actually ultimately just yourself. I've always been a very non-spiritual and very "realistic" type of person. This has completely bent my true reality and view of life. Is it possible that I misinterpreted everything and that a new, better trip can prove this was wrong?
As has been pointed out already you took too much and weren't prepared for what would happen. You should be careful with any future trips however since you've now had a bad experience and this may effect future trips.
When I was much younger than I am now I was into LSD and it was all good trip after trip until...my buddy OD'd and got so paranoid he wanted to be taken to the hospital. Since I was the only one with him it was up to me to deal with it. From that point on the idea of a bad trip had entered my conscious and could not be gotten rid of and it impacted all my post trips. There was always a fear of having done to much and being left in that oh so lonely world all by yourself, forever.
For future trips ensure you dose very conservatively to start and that you have someone you trust with you to keep an eye on and to calm you should you need it. Start slow and learn how to control your mind, even while high, and how to make peace with your inner being while tripping. Tripping is enjoyable if done correctly.
Also as has been said, don't worry straight reality will impose itself upon you with time and you will be back to the way you think of as normal before too long. Thing is though you may want to take the time to better explore your feelings, moods, and thoughts post trip. You have experienced the enlightenment that most of us seek, you just experienced it in a shockingly rude manner which was unfortunate however that dosen't stop you from learning and broadening your concept and outlook on life. What you now see as a detriment to your thinking and ego may well prove to be a benefit in the longer run.
Folks say that tripping can change you for life and I believe it to be true. However the change is a welcome one for most of us. It has a calming effect to know that there is a forest even though life is often like being lost in the trees. I don't think it killed my competitive spirit but it did make winning less important a result, which in my books is a good thing. To put it as simply as I can think of, I now enjoy just living and experiencing life as I no longer have to feel it is in my control (as if it ever truly was) and I no longer feel it necessary to sweat the small stuff because in the big picture it just isn't that important any more.
Anyway good luck with it and just try and go with the flow my friend.
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Hanz
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Quote:
Still_tripping said: What you now see as a detriment to your thinking and ego may well prove to be a benefit in the longer run.
This.
-------------------- Small scale alternative parties rich in empathy and extravagance. Happen to know of one in the vicinity of Amsterdam? PM me my dear fellow. I love to meet some other freaks. Oh and, if you can,.. embrace the nyctomorph. It needs you.
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Violace
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You're definitely right. I'm sure that I will somehow, sometime benefit from this. As of now it's basically consumed alot of my energy and willpower though but I strongly believe what all of you say, that I'll be back to normal soon. I'm most likely going to have an extremely cautious attitude towards tripping in the future, if I decide to do so again. I don't ever want to relive what was experienced that night before I'm very old. Thanks for your insight.
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Aldebaran
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Re: Ego death on first trip, help? [Re: Violace]
#22393144 - 10/17/15 12:47 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
But the early onset of the mushroom was very fascinating and we had a very good time at that stage
Like others have already said, the dose was just too much for a first-time experience. A lower-dose trip would have remained closer to that fascinating and fun stage of the trip, without becoming so intense and difficult.
Quote:
I felt completely alone. I still felt as if I was dreaming, and everyone else is just an individual fragment of myself, that we all share the exact same existence. I a.k.a my "ego" was completely shattered. I couldn't stop crying, everything felt so extremely pointless, and this pointlessness was eternal.
Some of the thoughts you write about are quite philosophical, it reminds me of things I would think about when I was closer to your age. A heavy trip can really push this stuff into a kind of existential crisis where you start to doubt reality and your role in life, as everything suddenly feels so dreamlike and unreal. It can take a while to get back to normal and process everything that happened in the trip.
Quote:
Do people think this lack of motivation for "success" feels good?
There can be more than one motivation for success. Some people strive for success because they are basically insecure and it's a way of making themselves feel important and avoid confronting a kind of hollowness inside. Other people want to be successful because they believe in themselves and their ideas and want to contribute something positive to society. Maybe you just need to remind yourself of the positive reasons for doing well, rather than mindlessly doing things purely because there is some expectation hanging over you that you should be doing X,Y,Z.
Quote:
Is it possible that I misinterpreted everything and that a new, better trip can prove this was wrong?
You could trip again and get a completely different experience and a different interpretation. Trips can put an interpretation on reality that feels very true and profound but it doesn't always make sense. They can raise a lot of interesting questions, but don't fool yourself that they give all the answers.
Quote:
How can people just do this for fun?
It can be a very fun experience at sensible doses, but this stuff is very powerful and is capable of warping your reality in ways you never expected. For me it's a kind of strange dimension that I've always been fascinated by; that same sense of fascination that you experienced at the beginning of your trip. It's about exploring something beautiful and strange - the inside of the mind.
-------------------- I wrote that, but I meant something else
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Violace
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Re: Ego death on first trip, help? [Re: Aldebaran]
#22401509 - 10/19/15 08:00 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Thanks alot for the closure! One big positive thing that I've noticed is that actual dreams have much more significance for me now and thus I can quite easily pop into lucid dreams. It's like a new amazing game/world. I also remember these dreams more clearly than ever before. I've been very into lucid dreaming lately, I don't know if the trip might have done something else to me because I can't believe I haven't done this sooner.
I've started to set an alarm to wake me up around 90 minutes after I fall asleep. It pulls me out of my dream and as soon as I turn the alarm off and go back to sleep and aware I pop into the lucid dream with full control.
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Hanz
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Re: Ego death on first trip, help? [Re: Violace]
#22404025 - 10/19/15 03:14 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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That's amazing. I'm sure it's possible that the trip could have triggered this. It might just be a temporal thing though.
I've seen members of this site talk about lucid dreaming and training techniques. If you use the search engine you may find some useful tips.
I love lucid dreaming, but can't control it. It just happens for a few short moments once or twice a month.
Hanz.
-------------------- Small scale alternative parties rich in empathy and extravagance. Happen to know of one in the vicinity of Amsterdam? PM me my dear fellow. I love to meet some other freaks. Oh and, if you can,.. embrace the nyctomorph. It needs you.
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