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OfflineRoflspammer
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Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 1,901
Loc: New Hampshire
Last seen: 1 hour, 50 minutes
I'm slipping
    #22355263 - 10/09/15 04:30 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Second year at college. I want to preface that aside from the Friday and Saturday toke, I do not consume drugs or alcohol anymore.

I have no energy or patience for relationships. Both friendly and family. My uncle has been emailing me and I never respond, so he called up my mom and told her that he feel's as though I am saying "fuck you" to him. I'm not. I just am sick of responding to the pointless emails. I responded something along the lines of "I cherish our relationship but I don't want to have to deal with you." --- better worded, of course. My mom went to the hair cutter where she is (she lives on the other side of the state) and the hair cutter said the same thing: feels as though I am saying fuck you and I don't need a father figure. She called me today, and started telling me how she feels as though she failed as a parent, or did something wrong seeing as though I don't respond to anyone when they try to reach out to me. I told her "I didn't call to here you tell me this." It hurts that she feels this way. She hung up on me after asking me what it is that I want.

In school, I smile and hold conversation well, but I don't enjoy interacting when I'm interacting. It's too much effort, so I never text people back, reach out or organize anything. If I don't see someone in my everyday life, I end up cutting them off. We could be great friends, but as soon as there as effort to meet up or anything, I just quit. My friend group as a result is constantly changing depending on my current situation. I haven't talked to my roommate from last year in 5 months, even though we've had great relations. It's nothing personal of course, although since this is "abnormal", people take it personally. I understand I guess, and I realize I just make excuses. Truth be told, I think I'm just selfish and don't give a fuck about other people.

Excuses.

I am a geology major. This is the place I fit in the most, but I still don't connect with people. I feel different, odd. I have been described as an enigma lately. Truth be told, I wish I could just exist, make music and have people enjoy it. Recently, I've just been playing guitar and studying. My effort in seeking out new social experiences has dropped, but when my guitar is in my hand I truly don't give a fuck; I feel whole. Everything else: people, places, activities, desires-- all are hollow.

I can't see in front of me

I am a depressive, anxious, isolated young man, and I like it this way. Otherwise I would change, right? Rhetorical question. I really just want to off myself, but would never have the balls to do it. Besides my lack of commitment to the idea, all that has been keeping me alive these last months have been music. I wish I could find someone who could share my outlook on life, but its depressing. Beautifully so, but I don't think anyone would ever seek it out.


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InvisibleThe Doobie Dude


Registered: 04/28/13
Posts: 13,498
Re: I'm slipping [Re: Roflspammer]
    #22355566 - 10/09/15 05:44 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Start exercising it changes your whole world


--------------------

"There are a million reasons to drink and one just popped into my head.  If a man can't drink when he's living how the Hell can he drink when he's dead?" - Irish Limerick
I PLURed once because it was PLUR or die. - D.M.T.


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OfflineRoflspammer
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Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 1,901
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Re: I'm slipping [Re: The Doobie Dude]
    #22355636 - 10/09/15 06:06 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

I have been,going to the gym 3 times a week


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InvisibleThe Doobie Dude


Registered: 04/28/13
Posts: 13,498
Re: I'm slipping [Re: Roflspammer]
    #22355651 - 10/09/15 06:11 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Make it 5 and stick with it.  Start going out on the weekends and mingle a little


--------------------

"There are a million reasons to drink and one just popped into my head.  If a man can't drink when he's living how the Hell can he drink when he's dead?" - Irish Limerick
I PLURed once because it was PLUR or die. - D.M.T.


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OfflineRoflspammer
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Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 1,901
Loc: New Hampshire
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Re: I'm slipping [Re: The Doobie Dude]
    #22356914 - 10/09/15 10:55 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

See I'm mingling right now and I'm not interested, so not interested that I'm going on the Shroomery in order to deal with not mingling because its just annoying, I don't want to deal with it.


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Offlinem4dScientist
Music Always Helps
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Registered: 08/04/14
Posts: 1,616
Last seen: 10 months, 25 days
Re: I'm slipping [Re: Roflspammer]
    #22358039 - 10/10/15 08:33 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

What's up my man?

You went on a pretty long tangent the first couple of paragraphs, justifying your behavior and coming up with excuses as to why you are the way you are. But your last paragraph summed it up beautifully.

As a depressive and an anxious isolator myself, I've often pushed people out of my life not for selfish reasons, but because I didn't think I deserved or was capable of managing healthy relationships in the first place.  Fear is one of those things that keeps us contained, and only fuels the sickness that is within us.  Your comfort zone can be a scary place to operate from, and in reality human interaction is the one thing that feeds our soul.

Force yourself to reach out to people, hang out with friends even when you don't have the desire to.  Keep people close to you and allow them to love you until you love yourself.

Keep your head up man


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OfflineEDM
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Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 856
Last seen: 5 years, 6 months
Re: I'm slipping [Re: m4dScientist]
    #22359067 - 10/10/15 12:53 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Hi Rofl. The mind is such a complicated process that we might never know all the answers to scientifically speaking.

It sounds like you have some family that loves you which many people honestly cannot claim for themselves. Does that mean you own them something? Of course not...

You will grow more with age and look back and might or might not view this life as you see it the same way. Depression can follow you into later years but you can learn to handle it better hopefully. Things can turn for the better man and you might start seeing the light in not only yourself but others such as your uncle and his pointless rambling. Stay strong, stay busy, figure out one small thing at a time.


--------------------
Yahweh is lying to you... I will show you the way. Trust me.




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OfflineTrippieHunter
Swagger of a cripple


Registered: 04/05/15
Posts: 889
Loc: Your mums house!
Last seen: 6 years, 15 days
Re: I'm slipping [Re: Roflspammer]
    #22360680 - 10/10/15 08:41 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Hey Rofl, ya sound like how i was in my twenties. I spent most of my twenties not talking with my family, lost my group of friends and continued down a

path for life long depression. Now I am in my thirties and still feel the same. I talk to most people to humor them as I never find a connection with anyone.

The thing is I don't like who or how I am, as I was reading your post it was kind of hard to tell if you are happy with yourself or not. If you are, hey fuck

it. But if you're not happy with yourself do not continue down a path that will ultimately leave you alone and miserable. I wish I knew what it was I needed to

change, but I know now that I do want to change. I don't like feeling like there is no point of being, like there is no one out there that understands. It's

a lonely world like this. Make the change if you're not happy bro, start searching for the change. Working out is like religion, you begin to live

everyday and every hour for it. It consumes your life. Do what you want, what makes you happy. Your a geologist, go out into nature and talk to the rocks.


--------------------
Just remember keep the camera rolling and
FILM THE POLICE!!! CLICK ME

WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON? CLICK ME TOO!

Let it go and you will trip into wonderland!


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OfflineDrFrankenstein
Stranger
Registered: 09/27/15
Posts: 10
Last seen: 7 years, 3 months
Re: I'm slipping [Re: EDM]
    #22360692 - 10/10/15 08:43 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

A couple questions. How long have you been playing the guitar? On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the most euphoric experience you've felt, 1 being your idea of a typical "Ehh" day for a "normal" sophomore), where does playing the guitar fall? Lastly why is the geology department the place you "most fit in?"


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OfflineRoostertail

Registered: 09/27/15
Posts: 300
Last seen: 6 years, 9 months
Re: I'm slipping [Re: DrFrankenstein]
    #22360870 - 10/10/15 09:27 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Apathy tends to smite life when your sober.

Remember, your mind creates your reality.



Yours truly,


          Joel


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