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halo
Tripper



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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: Elff]
#22359865 - 10/10/15 04:30 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Took like 3 tabs the first night. Maybe 1 the second with some mdma.
I had this incredibly long post earlier but was hesitant to post it so I copied it. Here is the post. Thank you. And yes Markos I have been aware of that but it didn't mean it didn't scare me.
Monday was when I had the strong pan/Lucifer imagery synchronicities in my day to day.
It freaked me out but I know that pan was coopted by Christianity and portrayed as the devil. I told my psychologist on Tuesday about this and he encouraged me to explore these ideas and said Pan was wild as in wilderness and perhaps was my subconscious pulling me in that direction. I agreed completely.
I also saw a psychiatrist on Wednesday. I didn't feel like I needed to go after Tuesday, but I had the appointment and succumbed to paranoia. What if I do need drugs and I can't get another appointment until December etc? So I went, psychiatrist was way less knowledgeable than psychologist and prescribed me seroquel. After doing research on it I have decided not to take it.
Tbh though I've taken 5HTP and all that and melatonin and it barely works. Sometimes I've resorted to taking benzodiazepines to sleep.
I left out part of the story. What freaked me out during the initial trip was that 3rd chakra feeling I spoke of. But the other symptom of that was it felt like my gender changed. Like I felt like I was so worthless I could only "take it" because I'm not cool enough to attract women. During the trip this was extremely metaphorical. I asked a girl in my group if she had a lighter as she walked by me. She said no and to ask "one of the boys". I internalized this to mean she was accusing me of not being a man. Tried to smoke joints w girls and lost my lighter. All in all very embarrassing and it culminated with this loss of 3rd chakra feeling and then after the show I thought people were making gay jokes etc. This was the crux of the psychosis.
Even on the drive home it felt like I was hearing songs from a female perspective, something I didn't even realize was possible. I've since come to realize this as a crisis of masculinity.
Then it was about a month later, earlier this week, that I really got the Lucifer pan imagery synchronicity. But I resisted that and even prayed to God to take it away from me etc. Even though I know I only think it's evil due to cultural programming. Still, it scared me. Then I volunteered and participated in the small mass at the holy homeless shelter house type place. I felt good but the comments of others there freaked me out.
I went home, told my parents about what happened and my dad said I could stay home this weekend if I wanted. Previously I had planned to go to our cabin with him. Figured it help clear my mind. Well, I didn't want to go back on my commitment so I decided to come to the cabin with him.
And on the ride here it was like I was back to square one. Though I had previously reaffirmed my heterosexuality I started to get all these weird thoughts about being transgender again and all of the songs on the radio were freaking me out. It even seemed like listening to baseball games synced up with my thoughts.
Now I'm worried that avoiding pan has further regressed me. I felt better on Wednesday before the psychiatrist. It felt like my dick was starting to work and so forth. Now I'm back in confusion.
I'll check out the Ravi shankar but even I'm a bit worried about it. I know its just music. But I was quite secure in my gender and sexuality before this and this flip has been most unpleasant and unwelcome.
I feel like a big problem is that internally I'm quite creative but often lack the confidence to go through with things. I've spent the past number of years just getting high and partying and not really pursuing my passions. Now I worry that it's too late or that I've totally lost that spark. It's very scary.
Also I just feel way dumber. Not as sharp at all. Previously I could crack jokes and was good at trivia and so forth and now it's like my brain is mush. I'm just really hoping that I can somehow get back to normal.
-------------------- All drugs should be legal
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zZZz
jesus


Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: halo]
#22359946 - 10/10/15 05:01 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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i think u just need some time to relax man, get ur mind off things. then u can pursue these thoughts of urs again after u feel more at ease. cuz the way things seems right now is like ur just running around in circles.
i understand how confusing this must be for u and u want answers asap, u want to be heard, and i;ve heard u so far, but i think u should really consider putting down the hammer, so to speak, and chill out for a bit. like i said u can always go back when u feel better, stronger.
easier said than done, as always, but i think it's worth a shot.
u mentioned u havent pursued ur passions in while, well i think u should really get back to them, art is a blessing. draw something, make a song, paint, wutever, anything that will help u take ur mind off ur mind..
i personally like to dumb myself down after a really rough trip, like i'll watch movies, mindless television, eat a bunch of junk food, just really get in the groove. it really helps.
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halo
Tripper



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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: zZZz]
#22359962 - 10/10/15 05:07 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Thanks man. And yeah I'm kind of feeling Vetter now.
Actually just saw this website after a search:
http://tantramag.com/man/art38.html
Talks about reversed kundalini which is kind of how I felt. Luckily I never really acted on some of the negative thoughts I was having.
Also it sounds positive in that you can UN-reverse the so called reversed kundalini. And I've definitely been cynical and especially after this trip have been neurotic and psychotic.
I am feeling better as of a an hour or so ago but it still feels like that "fire" has left which is scary. Hopefully it can return.
-------------------- All drugs should be legal
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zZZz
jesus


Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: halo]
#22359986 - 10/10/15 05:20 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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interesting , makes sense
i feel like a might have reversed some of my kundalini too, def havent really been taking care of myself. maybe i'll try some of this meditation tonight
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withoutlabel
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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: zZZz]
#22363363 - 10/11/15 01:38 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Perhaps all it is is that you are putting too much emphasis on being male, heterosexual, female, homosexual, bisexual, trans, whatever. Then something happens that puts you out of those categories and whoops, there your ego goes for a ride.
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halo
Tripper



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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: withoutlabel]
#22363752 - 10/11/15 03:02 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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I mean yeah, that's part of it for sure. But it just is so strange.
I've never cared much about my sexual orientation before this. Always have felt pretty straight my whole life. However I've definitely been a more feminine guy. But I've always been okay with who I was, never felt like I needed to be super macho. This year has just been really bad for me in terms of relationships or lack thereof.
Which I think is due to how I am. I'm lazy, out of shape, don't have any productive hobbies really, just go out and drink and party and stuff.
And while I have been pretty depressed for a while I wasn't really depressed. Not like now. I would get sad, but had no problems relating to other people or whatever.
This whole experience has been so traumatic and scary. It basically felt like I failed at being a man and so the universe is punishing me by changing this orientation. And it's not even like I'm all of a sudden attracted to guys, I'm not, but it feels like I'm understanding the female side of things way more. Hopefully I can use this to strengthen my manhood but I worry that the psychological trauma is so great that I'll never recover.
Everyone's telling me I'll be fine, and I'm doing my best to trust that. I just want to be able to pursue relationships with women again And so forth.
-------------------- All drugs should be legal
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Jufin


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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: halo]
#22366778 - 10/12/15 05:42 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Just go smash some heavy weights, you'll instantly feel better.
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halo
Tripper



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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: Jufin]
#22370367 - 10/12/15 08:15 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Thanks man, I appreciate the suggestion. I spent about 15-20 minutes lifting weights earlier. I've been pretty lazy for a while so I'm basically at a beginner's level doing 15 pound dumbbells and so on.
It does make me feel a little better, but barely. I'm not trying to be negative here, but this whole thing really feels like I blew out my circuits so to speak.
-------------------- All drugs should be legal
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c0sm0nautt

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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: Jufin]
#22370410 - 10/12/15 08:21 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Markos gives good advise. Mindset and setting man... Multiple uses back to back, not sleeping, etc should have been red flags to take it easy. Psychedelics are very very powerful and culturally we are at an rudimentary stage in understanding them - You gotta look after yourself!
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halo
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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: c0sm0nautt]
#22371005 - 10/12/15 09:50 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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I know...I was so stupid.
As I said it was all in all a strange weekend. I'm normally very careful with my psychedelic usage, I normally don't take that much. This summer I have taken more than normal for sure. I tripped on a little bit all 3 days of 4th of july weekend at a series of concerts. While I almost went off the edge in hindsight, I was able to pull it together and had one of if not the best weekend of my life.
Then I tripped at a show about a month later, and had a great time until the end when I freaked out and thought I had a heart attack. I didn't. Also tripped a couple days after that at another show, didn't trip that hard but got paranoid that my ear was fucked up and I broke it. Got back home and found out I was fine, just allergies.
So this one weekend I decided I was really going to have fun and let loose, since I had had these hypochondriac episodes earlier this summer. For whatever reason my brain did not compute that each of these instances involved taking lsd. The thing that sucks too is on the way up there I wasn't even planning on tripping at all the first night. I was already sleep deprived from staying up way too late two nights before, and just took an adderall from my friend to keep me up. She kept begging me to trip with her, and I I figured why not, it'd probably help me stay awake and get into the music more, as it normally does.
And then my other friend who lives there, who I haven't seen in months, his friend gave him some dose and he was kind of aggressive in getting me to trip. Said his gf didn't want it and I said I was good but he was like come on man...so I took that one too. I think I ended up spitting out though since I had already taken one or two other hits.
It was just all too real. On a higher level it just felt like I failed a test. My female friend I was with who convinced me to trip, she had talked about wanting to stay sober since she was recently in an accident and not supposed to be drinking. I tried to get her not to drink but that's the first thing she did when we got to the show. It was my fault though for bringing the stuff with me to trip on. I let her eat it. I figured we would trip and not drink, but she ended up drinking anyway. I can't help but think if I would have really focused on being sober that first night that none of this would have happened.
It all just feels like on giant sin. I tried to sleep that first night, but I couldn't, and honestly I don't know what possessed me to take more drugs the next night, especially after feeling awful. In my head I thought that it would balance me out and make me feel better. I could not have been more wrong. It just makes me feel so dark and so wrong and I don't like it.
Prior to this weekend all of my psychedelic experiences had been wonderful, aside from earlier this summer when some anxieties came up. It's like I didn't even realize I was abusing the substance, the thought didn't even cross my mind. I was so much on autopilot, so foolish. I honestly can't believe it. I should have been able to resist my "friends" but at the end of the day every time I took drugs was my decision. I just never in a million years thought it could be this bad.
I could understand getting screwed up mentally. I figured since I had taken acid so many times before, and that since I didn't really take a dose larger than normal, that I would be fine. I forgot how powerful the substance truly is.
I don't mean to ramble, but this whole thing is all consuming me. I'm trying to take my mind off of it, but truthfully talking about this whole strange dark experience is the only time I feel like I can think and articulate myself properly. On any other subject it's like I've become dumber than a box of rocks. Like I have mental blocks in my head, preventing me from thinking clearly and confusing me instead.
-------------------- All drugs should be legal
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c0sm0nautt

Registered: 05/19/08
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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: halo] 1
#22375822 - 10/13/15 09:13 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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It's all good man, and only a sin if you don't learn from it. I believe every challenge in life contains a lesson if we are willing to work with it. Seems like you have learned a lot from it. Keep on keeping on.
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gnrm23
Carpal Tunnel
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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: halo]
#22380102 - 10/14/15 06:30 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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-------------------- old enough to know better not old enough to care
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Devizome
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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: halo]
#22380479 - 10/14/15 07:49 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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So, I just gotta say, what you are experiencing seems to be exactly what I experienced a little over two years ago. It's a little late right now and I don't have time to tell you everything I want to tell you, so I'll just say this for now:
You will be better than you ever were. Peace.
-------------------- Love & Respect, Devin
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Jufin


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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: Devizome]
#22381187 - 10/14/15 10:22 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Devizome said: So, I just gotta say, what you are experiencing seems to be exactly what I experienced a little over two years ago. It's a little late right now and I don't have time to tell you everything I want to tell you, so I'll just say this for now:
You will be better than you ever were. Peace.
This is why I love the Shroomery.
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Devizome
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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: halo]
#22388872 - 10/16/15 03:14 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jufin said:
Quote:
Devizome said: So, I just gotta say, what you are experiencing seems to be exactly what I experienced a little over two years ago. It's a little late right now and I don't have time to tell you everything I want to tell you, so I'll just say this for now:
You will be better than you ever were. Peace.
This is why I love the Shroomery.

Yo halo, hope you're doing well. Initially I thought I'd have a massive explanation about what happened to me so that you could compare it to your experience in the hope of finding comfort in the similarities between the two. However, I now disagree with the idea of providing a comparison, as your experience was unique and doing so could create unfounded expectations for what is in store for you in the months to come. I do still have some things to say.
I know what you mean when you say that your actions felt like a huge sin and you felt like you failed a test, big time. But it's not a test, really, it's a lesson. I received a similar lesson through a medium other than LSD. It was Salvia for me, although that was only the climactic moment. In hindsight, my (too often) recreational use of psychedelics probably led me to my ultimate crash.
Long story short, I felt like I failed The Universe because I couldn't overcome my fear of the Salvia experience by the New Age deadline of December 21, 2012. My mind wasn't very balanced at that point and I'd created a big story for myself -- a tragic one, it seemed. So it was certainly a whammy. I was depressed for months, delusional, paranoid, and overall uncertain about Reality. I didn't use any psychoactives for a while, not even marijuana, as I felt like my soul would be sucked out whenever I did. Really, I just needed to let my brain reach homeostasis again. I overcame my depression by making a six-week solo journey to Peru, meeting people, climbing mountains, reconnecting with Nature in a physical way, and showing myself that I still had some power. Also: meditation, meditation, meditation.
Presently, I am well. My worldview is still not solid, and I think that's a good thing. There's a lot we don't know. I don't know what I am or who I am (aside from, you know, Consciousness), and I don't think that's a bad thing. The self is too wiggly to worry about. I'm not saying that I have lost my identity -- no, I am very aware of "who I am" in the sense of my name, my physical form, and all that stuff we need if we want to operate fluidly in this world. I'm just less attached to it.
I don't know much about Kundalini, but I have definitely wondered about my own sexuality, much of the time during or after psychedelic experiences. My advice to you: Don't worry about it. Let go of how you thought you were and embrace uncertainty, at least for now. Everyone has a masculine and a feminine side, and a whole person, in my opinion, is very aware of both sides of him/herself. Meditation will help you discover more about where you fall on the "spectrum".
Oh, and whatever you do, don't beat yourself up over it. You can feel sorry for yourself, but even that gets old and isn't very useful. In my case, I used a narrative psychological approach and "rewrote" my story into one of personal growth and the attainment of highest potential. My (at the time) shitty experience was, in hindsight, a gift, and I have made certain to give thanks for it. Otherwise, I would have never had the opportunity to grow in the ways I have since then and will continue to every day.
Good luck, starstuff.
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halo
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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: Devizome]
#22388945 - 10/16/15 03:33 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Thanks man.
I'm starting to feel better mentally. Less depression and confusion over sexuality. My body is still really weird though and I'm still having extreme insomnia.
I'm mainly worried about brain damage incurred from sleeping only for a few hours a night for the past month and a half. It feels like my mind is going and I feel dumb as a box of rocks. Really hoping I can improve and get back to normal or some other state. The mental craziness I can deal with but it's the physical (perhaps psychosomatic) aspect that is still worrying me.
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durxo
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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: halo]
#22389629 - 10/16/15 05:53 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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I also had some bad trips and they severely affected me for many months, I felt like I was in a bad trip all the time, my entire life was a bad trip and it didnt go away but then I tried Anapanasati which is a buddhist meditation and within few weeks I was back to normal you should try it
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“The psychotic drowns in the same waters in which the mystic swims with delight.” ― Joseph Campbell
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Devizome
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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: halo]
#22392172 - 10/17/15 07:51 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
durxo said: I also had some bad trips and they severely affected me for many months, I felt like I was in a bad trip all the time, my entire life was a bad trip and it didnt go away but then I tried Anapanasati which is a buddhist meditation and within few weeks I was back to normal you should try it
Yeah, I agree that meditation is a good thing to start practicing A LOT. When you get better at it your mind and body will get all the benefits of the deep sleep you seem to be missing out on.
-------------------- Love & Respect, Devin
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eehoo
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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: Devizome]
#22392259 - 10/17/15 08:28 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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There are rabbit holes in your brain you just need to let go of sometimes. The mind wants to know too much
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Deer
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Re: Bad Trip: lasting effects 1 month later, is there redemption [Re: halo]
#22393822 - 10/17/15 03:23 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Kundalini is real. It isn't an issue about taking it seriously. You have no choice. People who are not going through it can't understand.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Here is my advice... I am going through it too...
The best thing you can do right now is stay off the LSD - there is a real reason for this. It is because everything you need to feel right now will come up in your face too quickly before you know that it is actually very useful and healing and showing you who you really are... And how knowing who you are is going to give you the blueprint to your happiness and welllbeing and survival.
You are going to need to feel your emotions in sessions that can last a couple days at first but will be shorter and shorter. Who you are is surrounded by a layer of shells like the inside of an onion. Take some time to feel your emotions completely about anything that comes up. You will have to take time to feel them completely without taking them out on anyone else and then you will need to sleep. The first time you do this will take the most time. Then that layer will come off and you will never feel upset about that issue again. The next time will be the layer under that and it will take a shorter time and so on...
One more thing... This part is key. So when you begin the session... It can begin at any time. You will need to call out of work. Here is how it will start. There is someone who pokes at your wound. You feel hurt. Let yourself cry. Really cry. About whatever it is. Feel everything. Ask yourself, when is the first time I felt this way? Then cry for that. Comfort your inner child. For as long as it takes. Make a commitment to protect yourself.
Then you will find that when someone pokes at the same wound it is healed and it no longer hurts. Then another Chakra opens.
Keep doing this and taking the time for yourself. Really really be your own best friend.
Good luck either way.
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