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Anonymous #1

I Think Ive Come To Terms With My Friends Death
    #22326452 - 10/02/15 11:55 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

For the longest time ive thought psychedelics made me happy. I realized something today and it is something important. I heard a song at work, a song that sent me back to when I first started using psychedelics trying to find peace. My friend committed suicide at a young age around that time I began my quest into the depths of my mind. The whole time I was looking for the other side I was looking desperately to find evidence that my friend was not just gone forever but rather lived on. I was 14 at the time I felt bad for her but yet I did not know why it was affecting me so deeply. Nevertheless I looked for the answer using mushrooms, then graduating to LSD. All of this helped me tremendously but it just helped me move on it never made me confront her death or really ponder it in a rational manner.

I was sad for a long time she was a good friend and she will always have a place in my heart but still years later I am still deeply bothered by her death. Recently I started using DMT, ayahuasca and seeking out other stuff it seemed no matter how far I went I was still sad. Today that song brought me back, back to the day she died her death saddened me so deeply that after it happened I almost killed myself as well. The thing is I loved her but still im sure if she didn't die we would have eventually fallen apart like most of my other friends from that time, but the fact she died is what bothered me so deeply. I realized that it was because she was so young alot has happened over the years and she did not get to see it. I was not and am not a good person she seemed to be the kind of person that had potential the kind of person that would go far in life. Im not that kind of person im just some drugie and she was a good person. I never understood how she died, she had the rest of her life stolen from her but somehow I live on. She is a corpse rotting in the ground and im sitting here typing this.

Its not like ive never came close with death after she died I tried to go with her she was my best friend we connected on a real level she was always there for me but in her darkest hour I was high as a kite off pills. So one night I took 25 adderall after drinking a bottle of vodka. It felt like I died that night I should have died that night but she came to me and helped me through it. I don't understand it i've almost died 3 times since then probably more than that if you count getting blackout drunk and passing out somewhere. It seems no matter what I do I live yet she died.

Today I realized that I will never find the answer the DMT, LSD, Mushrooms, and everything else will not show me only death will show me but the thing is that I have years and years left to live. I realized that she still lives to she is a part of me her life influenced mine and she is a part of my thoughts. I need to live I owe her that its time to stop feeling bad for her and start living for her. I came to terms that she was dead and gone a long time ago but today I stopped being sad. I realized that she can live with me her journey is not over I will take the memories I have of her with me and let them influence me throughout my life. I owe her that she was robbed of life before high school and I still am here. I feel its my duty as a friend to her to be happy I will share my memories with her and always let her into my heart. I think ive finally came to terms with the whole thing but im not sure. I just wish it had been me my life is going no where its like a cruel joke. Take the one with potential and leave me its not fair. I just hope she gets my thoughts I just don't want her to never know what its like to grow up and get older its just sad.


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OfflineLucisM
Nutritional Yeast

Registered: 03/28/15
Posts: 15,622
Last seen: 1 month, 29 days
Re: I Think Ive Come To Terms With My Friends Death [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22328190 - 10/03/15 01:15 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Nice to see you're feeling better.

I have felt similar, so can relate.  I was a heroin addict for a very long time, saw many really good people die from dope, but I survived a number of OD's and would always ask myself why me, why did I survive?  Shit really made me reevaluate somethings in my life, I want to be a better person for the ones I held near who are deceased.

All we can do is keep those peoples lives as memories, but we can use those memories to better ourselves, which is testament to how wonderful those people were.


--------------------
©️


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OfflineRorta
Stranger
Registered: 03/13/13
Posts: 20
Last seen: 8 years, 1 month
Re: I Think Ive Come To Terms With My Friends Death [Re: Lucis]
    #22328474 - 10/03/15 02:02 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Drugs are not the way to cope with bereavement and grief.

I started using Cocaine and MDMA heavily after a series of deaths in my family and the loss of me and my GFs baby and all it did was derail me at a point where I needed to pull myself together and become a better person. It has taken me several years but I am now at a point where I am better and every day I keep getting better.

What motivates me is that my family members would not wish to see me in the way that I was and that the best way I could keep their memory alive and remember the positivity they bought to my life was to become better in every regard. 

I will never again seek solace in drugs, cigarettes or alcohol. Sure, I will enjoy them ocasionally but I will never go back to the dark place I was in.

As my signature says, we are the master of our fates.

Finally, to anyone else dealing with grief, it DOES start to get better. Talk to people, meditate and improve yourselves and your circumstances. I will talk to anyone who wants someone to listen to them, because I know how much a listening ear can mean to someone.


--------------------
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.


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