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somethingsomeonejr


Registered: 02/01/13
Posts: 84
Loc: Rootless
Last seen: 6 years, 9 months
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Violent thoughts.
#22318229 - 10/01/15 09:57 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Long story short; my sister was raped a few years ago. She knows who did it, but won't tell me. Because she knows that if she'd tell, I'd go away for a long, long time.
Recently I've been having some really disturbing thoughts. Violent. It's like I "fall into" my head. Like when you're stoned and you zone out. Except it happens when I'm not stoned. For some reason, I've been starting to construct daydreams in my head where I severly hurt people. It's never random people, it's always "bad guys", so to speak. When I "snap" out of it sometimes, it's like I've been sleeping. It also gets me agitated. Kind of the same feeling I got when I was younger and adolescent rage was spilling over. I feel sometimes as if I'm subconsciously looking for a fight, walking around with clenched my fists and having my brain zapp everything half into that peripheral blur that accompanies bursts of flickering violence.
I'd never hurt anyone, unless a situation demands it. I've been Buddha for my 20's in regards to fighting. Now my teen-rage comes back and now I'm old enough to do damage to myself and others. It creeps me out. I don't like violence, really. But now it seems so easy, if you know what I mean. Such an easy solution somehow. To just break someone. Splintered bones and broken noses.
Is this just a result of my sisters terrible event and my helplessness to it? Anyone else experience this?
-------------------- "We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us."
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Psilosopherr
A psilly goose



Registered: 02/15/12
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Interesting..I can't offer much help other than letting you know that I too have had episodes of violent fantasies. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me but I assume lots of people get like this.
Also a really non-violent person, but certain things really trigger me. Maybe you need to read some Buddhist literature. (ever read siddhartha??)
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somethingsomeonejr


Registered: 02/01/13
Posts: 84
Loc: Rootless
Last seen: 6 years, 9 months
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Quote:
rbalzer said: Interesting..I can't offer much help other than letting you know that I too have had episodes of violent fantasies. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me but I assume lots of people get like this.
Also a really non-violent person, but certain things really trigger me. Maybe you need to read some Buddhist literature. (ever read siddhartha??)
Thanks. I'm glad to hear that, haha. Seriously though, thanks. I'm not feeling that intense anger anytime during the day, except when I start to daydream. The rage doesn't always show, but if I'm walking, listening to much, I pump myself up like a fucking gladiator about to kill or get.
I'll see what I can find on buddhist literature.
I actually have a book lying around here somewhere, by Dalai Lama. My mom bought it for me when I was fifteen and did my best to be like Sid Vicious. Didn't do much good then.
How often to you have these episodes? Have you noticed what the triggers are? I work with customerservice, so I have triggers in abundancy. (that the right way to use that fancy word of yours?)
But mostly it sneaks up on me.
Have you had these episodes on drugs?
-------------------- "We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us."
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RiparianZoneJunky
hunter/gatherer



Registered: 10/30/11
Posts: 3,055
Loc: Oregon
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months
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I'm friends with a few neuroscientists and psychiatrists, I was having a conversation with one of my psychiatrist friends a while back and violent fantasies came up. She said they're a totally normal part of human psychology, probably vestiges of our warlike and violent past where you had to be prepared for "bad guys" and know what to do. The trauma of knowing your sister had actual bad guys attack her and do her wrong may have flipped that switch into high gear for you, but we all have those "kicking a robber's ass" fantasies.
Don't know what to say beyond as long as they're not becoming a daily fixation that's effecting your life, they're a pretty normal thing and you shouldn't worry. If you're getting angry a lot try meditating more, maybe try talking about it to your sister and see how she feels about the whole thing, tell her how you feel as well. If she's moved beyond it and is healing, you should be able to as well since it didn't even happen to you. Anger is certainly a part of the grieving process, but not one you should get stuck in. Psychedelics and empathogens can help with PTSD, maybe a low dose roll or mushroom trip with you sister could put the issue to rest between the two of you.
I know as a man it's frustrating when a woman you know gets raped and won't tell anybody who it was. It's super common though, the whole "why did she wait to tell anybody?" question that is asked when sex predators are outed many years after the fact has the answer "because that's how the psychology of rape works." Most women just want to grieve and get on with their lives instead of making more conflict and confronting their attackers, especially when the wounds are fresh. Her response is flight, yours is fight, but trying to force her to fight is probably just making her uncomfortable and forcing her to relive something unpleasant that she'd rather forget.
If it's happening at work, maybe you just have a shitty customer service job dealing with fucking assholes all day. Wanting to stab people in the face is a pretty common side effect of working retail, you need to find some coping strategies to be more mellow and let that anger go. Anger, by Thich Naht Hanh is a good book with a Buddhist perspective on it.
Edited by RiparianZoneJunky (10/01/15 10:37 AM)
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somethingsomeonejr


Registered: 02/01/13
Posts: 84
Loc: Rootless
Last seen: 6 years, 9 months
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Quote:
RiparianZoneJunky said: I'm friends with a few neuroscientists and psychiatrists, I was having a conversation with one of my psychiatrist friends a while back and violent fantasies came up. She said they're a totally normal part of human psychology, probably vestiges of our warlike and violent past where you had to be prepared for "bad guys" and know what to do. The trauma of knowing your sister had actual bad guys attack her and do her wrong may have flipped that switch into high gear for you, but we all have those "kicking a robber's ass" fantasies.
Don't know what to say beyond as long as they're not becoming a daily fixation that's effecting your life, they're a pretty normal thing and you shouldn't worry. If you're getting angry a lot try meditating more, maybe try talking about it to your sister and see how she feels about the whole thing, tell her how you feel as well. If she's moved beyond it and is healing, you should be able to as well since it didn't even happen to you. Anger is certainly a part of the grieving process, but not one you should get stuck in. Psychedelics and empathogens can help with PTSD, maybe a low dose roll or mushroom trip with you sister could put the issue to rest between the two of you.
I know as a man it's frustrating when a woman you know gets raped and won't tell anybody who it was. It's super common though, the whole "why did she wait to tell anybody?" question that is asked when sex predators are outed many years after the fact has the answer "because that's how the psychology of rape works." Most women just want to grieve and get on with their lives instead of making more conflict and confronting their attackers, especially when the wounds are fresh. Her response is flight, yours is fight, but trying to force her to fight is probably just making her uncomfortable and forcing her to relive something unpleasant that she'd rather forget.
If it's happening at work, maybe you just have a shitty customer service job dealing with fucking assholes all day. Wanting to stab people in the face is a pretty common side effect of working retail, you need to find some coping strategies to be more mellow and let that anger go. Anger, by Thich Naht Hanh is a good book with a Buddhist perspective on it.
Thanks alot man, you have some very good points. Leave the past where it belongs. When she told me I just felt a void inside me for not being able to defend her. I thought I'd let that go, but maybe not.
I'll give meditation another go. I was on the right track with it for a while but fell off.
Violence are maybe a bigger part of us than we'd like to say in the open?
-------------------- "We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us."
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RiparianZoneJunky
hunter/gatherer



Registered: 10/30/11
Posts: 3,055
Loc: Oregon
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months
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I suspected it was your feelings of helplessness that are at root. We can't always protect the ones we love, and the universe is big and chaotic, you've got to learn what you have power over and let go of the rest. The best thing you can do for her now is be supportive to her in the way she wants you to be, and kicking that scumbag's ass doesn't seem to be what she wants. You do have the power to be there for her emotionally and all that though, tell her you feel like you've failed her and ask her what you can do to help her, she'll probably be happy just that you feel that way and may help you see that you are already doing everything that she needs, just by continuing to be a loving brother. 
Do you trip much? A heavy dose of mushrooms approached shamanically, writing out your intent and focusing on your feelings of helplessness and your anger, asking the mushrooms to help you sort it out and show you your place in the cosmos might really be able to help. Lie down in the dark with some calm, soothing music and meditate for the entire trip. I find ragas are great for that. Good luck man, you have a good heart and your anger comes from genuine outrage, try to use that as fuel to do something useful, you could volunteer or donate to some charity that helps victims of rape, do something good on that front to counteract the bad. Anger tells us that something is wrong and calls for action, but we need to look to love and serenity to tell us the what the proper action is.
Here's a raga on the sarod, I prefer that instrument to the sitar.
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once in a lifetime
sun child



Registered: 02/12/15
Posts: 1,807
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Good advices - OP, we are here for you and support you. Hang in there. . . for what it's worth am sending you many good vibes. .
Stay strong and let your sister know she can lean on you, that you are there for her. Healing from anger is very possible - to transform your energy, is very possible. . . Tara Brach was what did it for me, fairly fully, after studying and practicing over a decade. . . her and Thay -
and my own practices.
Sending you my very best and will chant Tayatha Om Bekandze, Bekandze Maha Bekandze, Randze Samugate Svaha
several times today.
Norway is awesome.
-------------------- Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland Julia Delaney, Bothy Band Rasta Girl, Sister Carol Genesis, Jorma K I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing Do Your Thing, Moondog large . . music garden . . veryall peace them hiStarhouse - main Time Traveler's Guide
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nuds



Registered: 03/28/15
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Loc: Australia, NSW
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I agree with the advice given so far as to how to control your violent fantasies/not be so bothered by them, but its almost like they expect you to sweep the whole ordeal under the rug. Tell you what man, if my sister was raped, I don't care how many tears she shed or how long it took to extract the name from her, I'd be getting it. What you do after that is your choice.
I know what I'd be doing.
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TrippieHunter
Swagger of a cripple


Registered: 04/05/15
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Re: Violent thoughts. [Re: nuds]
#22360600 - 10/10/15 08:18 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Having violent fantasies are completely normal, we all do it but for some reason it is a taboo subject. I think about it all the time but physically I
hate the actual feeling of inflicting pain on another person. We come from a long line of hunting and war, it's in our wiring. It's not natural to sit
around all day to bring home food if you know what I mean. That's why boxing and mma are such a good hobby to have, they get that aggression out in a good
positive way. Don't put yourself down for feeling like a human.
-------------------- Just remember keep the camera rolling and FILM THE POLICE!!! CLICK ME WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON? CLICK ME TOO! Let it go and you will trip into wonderland!
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Roostertail

Registered: 09/27/15
Posts: 300
Last seen: 6 years, 9 months
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Your inner demons might show face when you least expect it.
Remember to releave tensions through positive interaction.
Yours truly,
Joel
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somethingsomeonejr


Registered: 02/01/13
Posts: 84
Loc: Rootless
Last seen: 6 years, 9 months
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Shit, been in Amsterdam, haven't read the thread. 
Thanks for all your responses, I'll give proper ones later (a bit hazed and sleepy right now).
But;
Your inner demons might show face when you least expect it.
Remember to releave tensions through positive interaction.
Yours truly,
Joel
So simply but beautiful.Thanks.
-------------------- "We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us."
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once in a lifetime
sun child



Registered: 02/12/15
Posts: 1,807
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Agreed!! that was beyond beautiful.
In a word - your life is yours to decide. your brain chemistry is yours to decide.
Never worry, fear or doubt: You will succeed.
Once you attain that place. . . no one can ever take it away from you - that's like, settled peace, or what have you -
even if they try, they cannot take your peace and self-mastery away. . . so, that's one of the most beautiful things ever. . .
Peace and love so much to you. Good part of the Shroomery where I notice people never try to manipulate anyone!
Very sincerely, That is very beautiful to see.
Namaste!!
-------------------- Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland Julia Delaney, Bothy Band Rasta Girl, Sister Carol Genesis, Jorma K I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing Do Your Thing, Moondog large . . music garden . . veryall peace them hiStarhouse - main Time Traveler's Guide
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Roostertail

Registered: 09/27/15
Posts: 300
Last seen: 6 years, 9 months
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I get violent thoughts but they pass like a cold beer.
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