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OfflineJamison
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Registered: 07/31/15
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Somethings really wrong with me....
    #22284630 - 09/24/15 04:08 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Tomorrow will be the 6 year anniversary of my buddy getting run down by a tri-axle (coal truck) while standing next to the window of my work truck talking to me. I have become completely indifferent to everything.

I feel like my cognitive skills are in constant decline, and memory is terrible. I go to bed every night hoping I won't wake up. I spend my waking hours immersed in web activity to occupy my mind. I can try reading a book, and by the time I hit page 3, I've lost track of what I've read.

  I went from 185 lbs. a year ago to 127 lbs. just recently. I'm a 5'11 male, so the weight is way below where I should be. Got tested because I thought Lymes disease was a possibility (Removed daily ticks from myself, for years, from working outside) , but they said I didn't have lymes. Unsure what to do at this point, as I've pretty much lost the will to proceed at this point. Much, much more has transpired ,(That I don't want to get into) that have me feeling this way. 

I now I don't eat right, and you can come up with a million different possibilities if you try and self diagnose via the web.
    Where do you even begin troubleshooting?


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OfflineGiftofdeprivation
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Re: Somethings really wrong with me.... [Re: Jamison]
    #22284672 - 09/24/15 04:18 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Can you get health insurance and see a psychologist? It sounds like PTSD and depression. Depression is an energy/appetite killer and is responsible for your lethargy and weight loss.

PTSD is probably the direct cause of this depression, so you're going to have to get treatment of some kind to see full recovery. There are self-help options out there, but there are trillions of paths to the same place.

I would do research into PTSD, depression, and health insurance options. If you make too much to get free insurance through your state (WA here has the WA apple program if you make less than 1300 a year), but not enough to purchase your own (lower-middle class hell) then start researching heavily how treatment of these things work. There's a lot of going through the motions, faking it until you make it, and systematic desensitization to the anxieties that have built up from this emotional disregulation. IT'S WORK! If you want to be happy, you gotta bust some ass.

If you have a religion or support group, I would lean a little on them for the rough times, too. They certainly aren't long term solutions though, like psychological treatment/research would be.


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Edited by Giftofdeprivation (09/24/15 04:19 PM)


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OfflineWalter Pinkman
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Re: Somethings really wrong with me.... [Re: Jamison]
    #22284712 - 09/24/15 04:27 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Sorry about your friend that is really sad and crappy for the lack of a better word. I don't mean to act like I can simply your problems and feelings but it sounds like serious depression. Like two animals at the zoo who have been together all their life and suddenly one dies so the other gets confused and sad and doesnt eat and withers away. Have you ever tried kratom? That stuff picks me up no matter what.


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Invisibleonce in a lifetime
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Re: Somethings really wrong with me.... [Re: Jamison]
    #22287582 - 09/25/15 09:00 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Hey brother,








Am sending you very good vibes - FWIW.






I can understand, very much so. . . This is something to answer for yourself, is my best thought. . .



What I mean is - well, and this is a normal thing for me, but. . look for the answers in your heart. . .  They will be there - they are there; and you can find them.



Loss can be painful but remember - all life is connected.  When I was working through these things - one piece of wisdom really stood out to me. . .


she said, 'It's not my pain, or your pain, it's just the pain;'



To me that made a great impact because a) it takes out the personal, possessing of it. . .


I hope that could be of benefit, but I do know that there is something behind the words that is more than the words, that is more important. .




The last thing I'll say is - you can heal.  Have faith in it - know it - breathe deeply and say, 'I can heal,'


that can be your greatest ally.



Wishing you the very best in this time. . . healing & strength with all of my heart, may you find peace and happiness once again.



There's an old Buddhist koan of a man who met a slightly famous master, and asked him for some teaching.  'I have an anger problem,' the man said. . the reply was, 'Can you bring it to me & show me?  Then I will help get rid of it for you.'  The first one was enlightened by this, as, when he gave it consideration - he couldn't find it!


So, again FWIW, sending you tons of positive thoughts & healing emotions..  maybe, spend some time walking in nature, where there are no distractions. . get in touch with mother earth, ask yourself, what do I need to heal from this? 


If you pose the questions, & then meditate on them, the answers will come. . & there is always healing possible -


anyway, sending you my best, and wishing you best;


Sincerely & with faith,
Jake.


One last thought is - your friend is at peace - an infinite peace, and will never suffer for a single moment. . . I do feel that when we wake up to that peace, even in this lifetime, this world will be quite transformed; so this is my general goal. . . from birth almost! hehe.


Well once again sending you my best; I dunno if you're a nature guy but I've always found that to be the most refreshing, most healing, & most strengthening.


May you always be well, safe, & may you travel safely always where you wish to go. . .


Peace,
Jake


--------------------
Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland          Julia Delaney, Bothy Band                                        Rasta Girl, Sister Carol                    Genesis, Jorma K
I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing                                                                                                                    Do Your Thing, Moondog                     
large  . . music garden . .  very
all peace                    them hi
Starhouse - main
Time Traveler's Guide


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OfflineJamison
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Re: Somethings really wrong with me.... [Re: Walter Pinkman]
    #22288315 - 09/25/15 12:57 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I got to the point a couple months ago where I just totally folded up, and ended up losing my job, medical coverage, etc. It got to the point I couldn't recall jobsites I'd been at just weeks earlier although they seemed vaguely familiar when I returned there. Started to feel as though I was losing my mind. I was on aderall and Latuda (for bi-polar) and went off all this garbage shortly before I got shit canned. I entrusted a parent with my finances and that cost me almost 450K in savings. Life is just totally fucked for me, and I'm too old to start over at this point, even if I could. My mind is like a fucking scrambled egg, which has totally hosed my ability to do anything.

  Thanks for the responses, I'm just at a loss as to what to do. I have an 11 year old daughter or I'd have pulled my plug already.

  Thanks Jake, I'll definitely ponder the words you shared. The thing is, thinking back for years, I honestly can't recall the last time I got joy from doing anything. Just seems like I've been trying to numb some inner pain for as long as I can remember. I go to bed every night (If I can sleep) wishing I would not wake up.


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OfflineJamison
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Re: Somethings really wrong with me.... [Re: Jamison]
    #22288397 - 09/25/15 01:16 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Walt,  I've tried something on par, but a lot stronger than kratom, and that may be the root of all my troubles.    Thanks Bud, -Jim


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Invisibleonce in a lifetime
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Re: Somethings really wrong with me.... [Re: Jamison]
    #22288866 - 09/25/15 03:18 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

You are very welcome, my friend - that's what I'm here for. 

There's one phrase that stood out to me - we have two hands, one to help another person up, and one to receive a helping hand upwards..


Meditating - or simple walking, rather - through the woods has always been my best source of clarity, strength & peace,

and from an early age, my fore-most interest was in those areas - primarily, how to understand health, to be completely healthy, and secondly to understand human nature. . it occurred to me from the get-go that health came first. . to be fit - and the answer wasn't following society or the mass-common-knowledge. . the answer tended to be - for me as least - have total, pure and total faith in the health of my body / h'art and mind..

I tended to notice how we created our health by our thoughts & words, and how memes affect it..


So, later on, these paths lead me to be more and more interested in healing, how to share peace with the world, and to investigate these more and more.

Over-all, I have definitely come to understand that self-faith is the primary key to healing, as well as the rest. . self-faith allows us to know we can do anything - wisdom is knowing what is best.


Medicine can take so many forms, and as Chronic has said, leaving off all words and stories is very wonderful. . . (my words or phrasing of it, hehe )

that is like. . . experiencing the reality -


and for me, I had come to learn and know that we create our world. . . like Watts I was always interested in words - like McKenna I went further;

As McKen wrote, the world is made of words. . .


So I found - by staying only to what is helpful and good, in this way I found complete healing & strength & peace. .


What is true, beautiful and good was my criteria. . and of course, came across many or several times the path of leaving stories & words -

When I engage in the discussion with a very bright person; helpful.



. .

I recently got back from a 4-week forest retreat, it was beautiful and valuable experience -

today my old friend Shaggy, a cat, was a nice reminder to enjoy the present :smile:


A zen teacher I admire very much had the good meme - 'Only the present moment creates life,'


I've always taken a slightly analytical view toward certain things - such as - since very young, I spent time in nature and would be very aware if there was anything in my life, heart, or body that was causing pain -- if there is, there was always a cause for it..

In that way, coming to understand the causes, I came to learn that if those causes are not there - neither would the effect be there;


and eventually learned more - it's a worthwhile endeavor - and in this way - to reach that peace is not very distant.



Well - when I was mentioning the one hand to help others up, and one hand to receive a hand upwards,

the thought occurred to me -


or well, I just wished to share -



You are very inter-connected with all life on the planet, and well - there are many people who are simply glad you are there - I am pretty sure. 


You know, people like monks in Tibet or Russia, haha :wink:

my apologies for going off topic..! :pipesmoke:



Well I won't go on too much more, but just to say - peace is a process;

clarity & peace are sort of a continual renewal process to me,


and one of the main things is time we spend each day to achieve them -

mainstream media may not be sending us message of 'seek peace,'

but the brightest genius' of humanity have always shared such,


& the wisdom of every culture has seen to be - seek peace, and share it - that is the highest;


yet to be there, for me, was mostly about removing barriers in myself; and to be somewhere that has positive vibes, positive atmosphere, is a good practice - where better than nature?


lastly. . just to say, sending you good wishes;


may your life settle a bit, if you wish it, and may you have the peace & the rest that you wish for -

Remember - we create it :smile:


that has seemed, from my journey, to be the most important understanding - along with several others of course, including the point I made about every culture fairly clearly saying to seek peace and share it is the highest -


Very best from my family to yours; and all your endeavors.


Sincerely,
Jake


--------------------
Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland          Julia Delaney, Bothy Band                                        Rasta Girl, Sister Carol                    Genesis, Jorma K
I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing                                                                                                                    Do Your Thing, Moondog                     
large  . . music garden . .  very
all peace                    them hi
Starhouse - main
Time Traveler's Guide


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OfflineGiftofdeprivation
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Re: Somethings really wrong with me.... [Re: Jamison]
    #22289100 - 09/25/15 04:14 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

It sounds like you are in a tough spot, but I wouldn't focus on what's lost too much unless you can actually get it back through legal means somehow...

Focus on picking yourself up from here. Cognitive decline is a natural part of life and most people adopt more and more strategies as they age to get by. A daily planner will become your taskmaster, a GPS will become your North star, maybe start a journal? Or just start tattooing yourself, like the dude from Momento, LOL! That said, MCI (mild cognitive impairment) is a treatable condition. You'll never be what you were, but if you can speak to a physician (do you have health insurance), or psychologist, they can talk to you about various treatment options and strategies to adapt based on your finances. Even doing a Sudoku once a day could help, but if it is a well researched condition, like alzheimers, there are many well researched reduction strategies that they can teach/provide you.

Do you have to work right now? Can you get social security? If you have to work, what kind of jobs can you do right now? Even a minimum wage retail job could help with bills :shrug:

Keep posting what's on your mind, man. Let's think of some real world solutions!


--------------------

Looking for recipes? Have some recipes to share?
Please post what you have in the official cooking thread for Pubbers!
HERE!
Shoutout to Azur's Official cooking thread for OTDers!
Posters Beware!


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OfflineMquire
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Registered: 03/23/15
Posts: 82
Last seen: 8 years, 1 month
Re: Somethings really wrong with me.... [Re: Jamison]
    #22296767 - 09/27/15 01:01 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

God that's terrible. I saw a friend get hit by a car as well. It was traumatic, but luckily he was okay.

Still though I experienced the same sort of numbing right after it happened. It was weird, I sprung into action, handled shit, felt okay until after they took him away. Then I got fuzzy and just couldn't be bothered to talk to anyone. Totally numb.

I wish I could help you man :frown:

Absolutely talk to someone. Therapists are kind of shat on on this website, but don't look at your therapist as a doctor. Look at him or her like a neutral, independent party who you can spill your guts too. Sometimes you just need to get it all out and that act alone will help you feel better.

At the risk of sounding too out there, it sounds like you have some energy, some emotion trapped in your body. That's just my shitty diagnoses though.


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