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halo
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Extreme Insomnia and other problems post bad trip. Please help!!
#22283955 - 09/24/15 01:28 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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I'm going to try to keep this brief. Will post a full trip report if anyone wants it.
Basically over labor day I went to see phish which I've done many times before. Was already a bit sleep deprived getting there. Took an adderall Friday night and some acid. Ended up having a horrible trip with paranoid thoughts and couldn't sleep that night. Next night I was feeling better and stupidly decided to dose a little bit again. Didn't sleep that night either. Sunday night thought I would take it easy but ended up getting shit faced drunk. Also couldn't sleep that night.
Unable to sleep on drive home. That night I couldn't sleep either. Next day I left work, a friend gave me a bunch of xanax and I finally slept for about 15 hours.
Ended up missing a couple days of work but was not sleeping well in this time.
I'm seeing a psychologist but since then my sleep has been horrible. Usually just a few hours at night with very vivid dreams (I have ceased all pot and other drug usage aside from occasional beer or cigarette).
Last night managed to get okay sleep with some benzos.
I'm freaking out. A lot of this is caused by extreme anxiety. I'm trying to be cool, but sleep is practically impossible. It's driving me crazy because I know if I could just get a few nights good sleep I'd be okay. But I can't seem to do that.
Aside from the occasonial middle of the night erection I can't get hard at all. Or if I do (maybe once every couple days) it's not as hard as it should be. Can't even masturbate really without going soft.
I work a 9-5 and sleep during the week is hard for me in general and has been since I started this job, which I hate, 2 yeaes ago.
It's been over 2 weeks since the bad trip and everything is still out of wack. I don't feel delusional and I'm not having paranoid thoughts anymore but the lack of sleep I know is causing serious health problems.
I just want to get better. I'm trying to eat more and exercise and take some vitamins.
I've had trouble sleeping in the past but only going to sleep. I've never woken up in the middle of the night and spent hours trying to go to sleep only to have to work.
I'm wondering if anyone has dealt with this and recovered. Psychologically I'm not as bad as I was right after the trip but I still feel very screwed up. I know I fucked up hard so please refrain from harsh comments. I need serious help.
I'm almost suicidal at this point. I don't think I would ever actually do that but I keep thinking about it. If my parents weren't alive I probably would.
I think I'm going to talk to my doctor and try to get a benzo prescription or even ambien but I'm scared of becoming dependent on that.
Help
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Giftofdeprivation
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Re: Extreme Insomnia and other problems post bad trip. Please help!! [Re: halo]
#22284724 - 09/24/15 04:30 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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It's clear to me that this is all caused by anxiety. You have some acute PTSD following your trip. Talk it out with your therapist; try to rationalize all your fears. Your psych should be able to pick them apart and ground you again, since most of your fears are probably irrational and drug fueled.
If you are spending all your waking energy worrying about your lack of sleep, you're going to be too charged to sleep. I have this problem when I get too frustrated by my lack of sleep to sleep... The only way to break the cycle is through mindfulness. Count sheep, count your breaths, practice good sleep hygiene. Focus on your thought processes and bring rationality to them when you are awake (don't devote too much time to repairing your anxieties near bedtime). You should be wound down and relaxed near bedtime.
Take more deep breaths and stop ruminating. Writing a trip report would help a LOT. If you want, post some of your concerns here so we can tell you how crazy you are
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halo
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Re: Extreme Insomnia and other problems post bad trip. Please help!! [Re: Giftofdeprivation]
#22285510 - 09/24/15 06:49 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Thank you so much for the reply.
I mean it was an awful trip. Worse then I could imagine.
I have written a detailed trip report in word. Its about ten pages, not quite single spaced.
The trip itself was quite traumatic. But I feel I've moved past the delusions I've had. Basically I lost all confidence as an individual and then became paranoid that I became gay. It really didn't make any sense.
Stupidly I took more the next night. And things just haven't been the same since.
I'm praying it's just anxiety and I can get through it but I don't know. I've had anxiety over medical issues before. I'm realizing this developed a little more than a year ago. But these medical issues always resolved themselves and it was all in my head. And during those episodes I never had problems sleeping.
I'm just afraid that the extreme sleep deprivation has caused irreversible damage and I'll never get back to normal. And prior to this "normal" me was a relatively depressed individual who admittedly was mostly using these drugs and going to concerts as an escape from reality.
I was already depressed and unfortunately this trip put me "over the edge".
It's like the last couple years I've been hanging onto joy and the possibility of turning my life around by a thread. But this trip seems to have shattered that thread. I just want to be my old depressed self. I'm okay being a loser that goes to work and just smokes weed and gets fucked up. Now I can't even do that. I can't even be a normal loser.
Its hard. Smiling and laughing is hard and feels forced. I wonder if my dopamine or serotonin receptors are fucked up. It was just all around negative.
I think if I could just sleep a lot I'd get back to normal, but that's not really a possibility at this point. I've been taking some anti anxiety meds to sleep but it only helps so much. Also seeing a psychologist but this recovery process seems painfully slow.
I've had difficult trips before kind of show me the way. This was more like the universe/God laughing at me for not following all the good advice I've been given. And I'm almost afraid it's too late.
Honestly though your thought that it's just anxiety makes me feel better. That's what my psychologist says too. It just all feels so permanent.
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halo
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Re: Extreme Insomnia and other problems post bad trip. Please help!! [Re: halo]
#22288576 - 09/25/15 02:07 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Bump does anyone have any other ideas?
I will post the whole trip report in another thread if anyone thinks that will help.
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Giftofdeprivation
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Re: Extreme Insomnia and other problems post bad trip. Please help!! [Re: halo]
#22289430 - 09/25/15 05:26 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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You think you can write walls, son. I'll show you some walls!!! 
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halo said: Thank you so much for the reply.
No problem, man, the Shroomery is here for you! lol
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I mean it was an awful trip. Worse then I could imagine.
My last trip was pretty intense, too. The entire time, I kept reminding myself how high I am and I'd watch my thought trains pass and they were just as irrational and anxiety ridden. I concluded that that was not the time to focus on my pathology and that distraction from it were the healthiest thing. I can process what happened after the trip. This about two weeks ago. Since then, I've rationalized that I was just fucked up and anxious and probably will not be taking acid again... I would steer clear of psychs for a while yourself, my friend.
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I have written a detailed trip report in word. Its about ten pages, not quite single spaced.
yeah, psychs tend to promote some psychotic rants in a lot of people, so forgive me if I don't analyze it. That was more for you to express/purge your concerns and try to look back on them with a clear head. There might be some valid concerns to focus on, but for now, you have too many irrational concerns and need to focus on consolidating. reread with a critical mind and try to break down to fears, if you can. Focus the ideas into a few key points and post them here. Let's work on those. (ideally you would find a psychologist to do this with you, I'm just some bored Valet with a BA in psych and this is a drug forum, so we can only help so much.
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The trip itself was quite traumatic. But I feel I've moved past the delusions I've had. Basically I lost all confidence as an individual and then became paranoid that I became gay. It really didn't make any sense.
Stupidly I took more the next night. And things just haven't been the same since.
I'm praying it's just anxiety and I can get through it but I don't know. I've had anxiety over medical issues before. I'm realizing this developed a little more than a year ago. But these medical issues always resolved themselves and it was all in my head. And during those episodes I never had problems sleeping.
That is very irrational. I'm bisexual and let me tell you, the anxiety associated with that aspect of myself was all in my head. When I came out to my close friends, it was a difficult time, but no one really cared about my sexuality as much as I seemed to. I lost a couple friends in the process, but gained so many more. That said, I feel that EVERYONE has homosexual tendencies and that it's just a matter of how much you repress them. It's not really a maladaptive behavior like it was from 50AD-1990AD... idk, we can expound on that if you want, but the natural response is to push it out of your mind.
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I'm just afraid that the extreme sleep deprivation has caused irreversible damage and I'll never get back to normal. And prior to this "normal" me was a relatively depressed individual who admittedly was mostly using these drugs and going to concerts as an escape from reality.
Well, sleep deprivation is detrimental, but it's kind of a fact of life for college students and probably won't have irreversible effects that affect your quality of life... Unless you have insomnia for 10 years or so, right? You start with a worthwhile concern: "I need to stop losing sleep" and take it a little far "because it's killing me and I'm dying. I'm fucking dying, man..." No, once you take care of your anxiety, you won't be so anxious about sleep around bedtime and the one problem will dissolve with the other.
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I was already depressed and unfortunately this trip put me "over the edge".
It's like the last couple years I've been hanging onto joy and the possibility of turning my life around by a thread. But this trip seems to have shattered that thread. I just want to be my old depressed self. I'm okay being a loser that goes to work and just smokes weed and gets fucked up. Now I can't even do that. I can't even be a normal loser.
Its hard. Smiling and laughing is hard and feels forced. I wonder if my dopamine or serotonin receptors are fucked up. It was just all around negative.
Your neurological make-up is probably a little out of whack, but nothing that's irreversable. I got pretty far in the deep end by taking tons of acid and dmt at one point in my life, but after a few weeks/months, I normalized. Stay clear for a bit. Maybe they've lost their allure? I used to see them as an answer to all my problems and that led me to a bigger fall when I realized I was just getting fucked up and calling it "answers". You can still approach life indirectly and chip away at your "grand life plan" or whatever without using, so take a breath, smoke a bowl, play some video games, then take ten minutes a day to think about what you want to do with your time. If you start cutting out substances, you'll naturally start doing other more productive things to occupy your time. Focus on your shroom grows (to give away/sell), or school, or get a cat or something. What do you enjoy doing with your time?
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I think if I could just sleep a lot I'd get back to normal, but that's not really a possibility at this point. I've been taking some anti anxiety meds to sleep but it only helps so much. Also seeing a psychologist but this recovery process seems painfully slow.
If you don't feel your time with your psychologist is productive, you need to find a new one. I got an incredible amount from two visits (mostly because my psych degree made me relate really well to what the psychologist was saying and we got straight down to business). You should be able to relate to your psychologist and be able to see the benefits of the visit. Otherwise, express your concerns and ask them to explain what the process is they are doing and where you are at in it. If they can ground the bigger picture to you, you might gain more from it. What kind of therapy is it? ACT? CBT?
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I've had difficult trips before kind of show me the way. This was more like the universe/God laughing at me for not following all the good advice I've been given. And I'm almost afraid it's too late.
Honestly though your thought that it's just anxiety makes me feel better. That's what my psychologist says too. It just all feels so permanent.
NOTHING is permanent from a biological point of view. It's your will to cling to the permanence that is causing you the most problems. Try to actively let go more often: "are these rational concerns???" "maybe I can think about something more productive right now instead, I'm a little too agitated to deal with this productively" "deep breaths, 1...2...3... out...1...2...3..." The more you distract yourself in these anxious settings, the more you will naturally do that over time and won't have to consciously think about NOT RUMINATING! lol. That is the premise to all mindfulness based therapies (gesalt, mindfulness based CBT, mindfulness based ACT, etc. etc)
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moonrockmushy
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Re: Extreme Insomnia and other problems post bad trip. Please help!! [Re: halo]
#22292104 - 09/26/15 07:37 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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It sounds to me like you're just strung out. You took a bunch of drugs in a fragile state, and now continue to take drugs to cope with the fallout of that event.
You probably should quit taking drugs for a while, especially stimulants, psychedelics, and benzos. You're not invincible, and it's pretty normal to feel like shit after a weekend of partying. The older you get the harder and longer you've got to struggle to get back on your feet, so the sooner you can learn healthy habits and get some balance in your life the better.
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halo
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Re: Extreme Insomnia and other problems post bad trip. Please help!! [Re: moonrockmushy]
#22300252 - 09/27/15 07:51 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Yeah thanks for the replies guys.
I'm trying to find more productive hobbies. For the last number of years my hobbies have been smoking weed, drinking, and watching tv w the occasional videogames. Listening to music and going to shows also of course.
Not sure if I mentioned this in OP but I also took some mdma that weekend. I actually had a tenth of sass on Wednesday and then on Saturday I took a large amount of pure mdma. I was already kind of drunk and so don't know how much I took. It could've been up to 500mg. Apparently I threw up at one point.
I'm now of the opinion that the mdma abuse is what has caused my insomnia and other issues. I've never had prolonged insomnia just from lsd before. And to be honest while I'm still somewhat anxious avout things it's subsided a lot. I'm still depressed, but I relate that to my sleep quality.
On the plus side. I took 3 .25mg alprazolam pills last night and slept from 1-7am. By far the best sleep since the initial xanax induced slumber immediately following labor day weekend.
It's a hard journey
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moonrockmushy
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Re: Extreme Insomnia and other problems post bad trip. Please help!! [Re: halo]
#22300358 - 09/27/15 08:18 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Sounds like you're journeying into benzo addiction, which isn't exactly an improvement, but hope you can figure it out in any case!
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halo
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Re: Extreme Insomnia and other problems post bad trip. Please help!! [Re: moonrockmushy]
#22300638 - 09/27/15 09:24 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Yeah I don't want to be addicted to benzos. Despite my drug usage I've never used them recreationally or otherwise really.
It's just I don't know what else to do now. Even working out til I'm exhausted doesn't make sleep any easier.
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moonrockmushy
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Re: Extreme Insomnia and other problems post bad trip. Please help!! [Re: halo]
#22300672 - 09/27/15 09:33 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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I think you'd be better off with some ambien if drugs are absolutely necessary, but in any case you shouldn't be self-medicating at this point, which it sounds like is exactly what you're doing. All you should do on your own is change your lifestyle so that you're not aggravating the condition. That might mean no more stimulants and alcohol, and if you're not ready to accept that there's probably no point in soliciting advice from others on managing insomnia. People can recommend different drugs to help you sleep, but that is just going to add to your list of problems resulting from drug abuse.
Not wanting to get addicted is really irrelevant. Who wants to get addicted? You're almost certainly going to is what I'm saying if you continue doing what you're doing.
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halo
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Re: Extreme Insomnia and other problems post bad trip. Please help!! [Re: moonrockmushy]
#22300903 - 09/27/15 10:45 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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I understand. It's hard to change my lifestyle though. I'm trying.
Just moved back in with my parents. I work a job for a charity in customer service doing mind numbingly boring desk work every day.
I've been wanting to quit my job forever but now I feel like I can't quit at all due to my current "condition" and I'm certainly in no state to start training for a new job.
Once I can sleep properly I'm going to do that. But I don't know if the stress and lifestyle of my cubicle job can allow me to change my lifestyle. I feel a lifestyle change must be concurrent with a career change.
Honestly this whole experience has me feeling 'broken'. I've hated my job for two years and resisted it. I finally had a trip that motivated me to go to grad school and work on improving my state in life.
But now I feel so fucked up as a result of the trip. The physical and psychological effects make me feel like I can't quit my job or rise above it. Its quite the quandary. I don't want to be a defeatist, but aside from getting some exercise after work and reading books idk what my options are.
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moonrockmushy
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Re: Extreme Insomnia and other problems post bad trip. Please help!! [Re: halo]
#22300935 - 09/27/15 10:57 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Well there is no shortage of options, whether you stay at your job or not. If you don't like your job then going back to school might be a good idea, but unless you want to live off your parents forever, and they will allow that, I think it is best that you continue to have an income.
At some point you're going to have to get a handle on your drug use, the sooner the better. If you have to quit your job and just start from scratch, just do that, but I think you'd be feeling much less frustration and be coping better at work if you just sobered up a bit. It takes time to recover, and the healthier you are in the meantime the faster that will happen. It takes alot of patience and determination, but it's just part of growing up.
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halo
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Re: Extreme Insomnia and other problems post bad trip. Please help!! [Re: moonrockmushy]
#22313200 - 09/30/15 09:54 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Yeah I have since quit all drug use. Haven't even smoked weed in over 3 weeks.
I've never had effects like this before. Spelling is becoming difficult for me. I'm having difficulty with complex tasks at work which previously were easy and boring for me to do. Body is not functioning the same.
I'm so fucking scared I can't take it. If it weren't for my parents I would kill myself because this isn't how I want to live. I had dreams and goals of going back to school but now I really question if that would even be possible.
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moonrockmushy
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Re: Extreme Insomnia and other problems post bad trip. Please help!! [Re: halo]
#22315299 - 09/30/15 05:26 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Hmm. That sounds pretty extreme. Have you tried smoking weed? 
Sometimes life is really hard. It sounds like you are overstressed, which is prone to happen and not many people are really that understanding about it unless they have been through something similar themselves.
Have you told your parents that you're feeling like this? For me the whole living a double life trying to make them happy and myself happy taking drugs just didn't work out, so I had to find a compromise that allowed me to be honest and also feel like I can live my own life. Parents can be a pain in the ass, but they are human and if you don't hate them you can usually make them understand if something is bothering you.
It also could be a seasonal thing. This is a rough time of year, but I think if you are able to eat healthy and stay active it is a hell of alot easier. Gonna get worse in that sense before it gets better.
Basically you should be doing what you want. I know that is annoying to hear when you feel like shit in any case, but if what you really want is to stay in alone and relax then do that, and take maybe 30 mins to an hour every day to make sure you're exercising and eating a balanced diet. You will improve. There is no way you could not eventually get better if you stick to the basics. If something in your life prevents you from doing things to stay healthy, change your life.
Just get a fighting spirit, and remember to be patient. If you catch yourself being negative, try to see the positive instead. That's another thing that is annoying to hear when you feel like shit, I'm sure, but it's true that it helps. Also remember to breathe. Next time you panic take ten deep breaths really paying attention to them, and count them out in your head. That is the best fast-acting stress release that I know, and you can do it anywhere.
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halo
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Re: Extreme Insomnia and other problems post bad trip. Please help!! [Re: moonrockmushy]
#22318621 - 10/01/15 11:11 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Yeah I've talked to my folks. They know everything. Also my lease was up at the end of September so I just moved back in with them, which was the plan before all this bad trip stuff happened.
They've been amazing and incredibly supportive. I'm so lucky to have them as parents.
I dont even feel like I have that much anxiety anymore, I mean I do, but its not like my thoughts are what's keeping me up at night. Ar least it doesn't feel that way. I think I really fucked up part of my brain. I know serotonin plays a role in sleep and I feel if I have low serotonin now that may be why sleep is so hard to come by.
I can take 50mg of melatonin and it doesn't even do that much. It makes me tired but if I'm unable to fall asleep during that time then the tired feeling goes away.
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moonrockmushy
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Re: Extreme Insomnia and other problems post bad trip. Please help!! [Re: halo]
#22319382 - 10/01/15 02:21 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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That's a really weird and kinda paranoid way of thinking of things. You seem coherent. Having a general feeling of dysphoria isn't just natural for people who have recently had traumatic experiences, it is part of everyone's life sometimes. The challenge doesn't matter, there will always be troubles, what matters is that you persevere and overcome it.
Insomnia too is really common, and if you have a family history of insomnia you're almost guaranteed to struggle with it at some point. I find most everyone thinks they have insomnia, and realistically someone who sleeps perfectly isn't normal, normal is somewhere between sleeping 8-10 hours 7 days/week like clockwork, and never sleeping at all.
I really think that taking any sort of sedative in your position is a mistake. Maybe you're bound to do it, like when I was all strung out after years of being totally wrapped up in drugs I thought I needed opiates, alcohol, benzos, or whatever to cope, and that just ended up with me wasting another 10 years even more wrapped up in drugs and ultimately more strung out. That momentary sense of peace and ability to relax you get from drugs gets you nowhere, and it's not sustainable.
You're going to try and tell yourself that it is worth it, and that you'll be responsible, but in my opinion you would save yourself alot of money and trouble if you just learned to eat right, exercise, and develop a routiene that allows you to stay happy and sane. It's much more than just finding a good job, and you've got to be kinda realistic, but what do you want to fill your days with? Whatever it is, go out and do it, don't make any excuses. You don't need drugs to be a better, more relaxed person. You're fine the way you are, anyone who tells you otherwise isn't worth your time.
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halo
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Re: Extreme Insomnia and other problems post bad trip. Please help!! [Re: moonrockmushy]
#22321130 - 10/01/15 08:46 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Cognitively I feel "ok". I don't feel like I'm normal, but I'm not making as many simple mistakes as I did right after this all happened.
I mean, before this my sleep was relatively normal. I only had insomnia in the sense that I would stay up too late. I'd usually be up until 1am and then I'd wake up at 7:30 or 8am to get to work by 8:30. Sometimes I was up later but that was the general. And then I had nights where I would go out and party and be up til 3 or 4am or so and still go to work the next day.
It's not that I want to take a sedative but I NEED to be able to sleep through the night without waking so often. It's awful to lie in bed, finally fall asleep, and then wake up an hour or two later, spend another hour trying to fall asleep, finally sleeping another hour, waking up, and then trying to fall asleep for a little bit before the sun rises.
I can't nap when I get home from work either.
I've seen some posts online on bluelight which seem to suggest that mdma also fucks with your cortisol levels, throwing your "HPA axis" off balance, and perhaps that's what I'm dealing with. If so it might be easier to recover than with damage to my serotonergic system.
I saw my primary care physician today, told her about all that happened, took an anxiety/depression test.
She wanted to put me on an SSRI immediately but I refused. I did request trazadone which my psychologist recommended but I also found out it's kind of an SSRI as well but mainly prescribed for sleep issues. I'm not taking it tonight but I may take some tomorrow night.
I agree with you on the eating right, exercising etc. It's hard to fill my days with anything else but my job. I work from 8:30 to 5pm and now that I'm at home its a 30 minute commute each way. Honestly I've been so depressed for so long (before this extreme bad trip)...I don't even know what I want to do. I'm going to start doing some volunteering at this soup kitchen type place, but beyond that I don't know. I want to play more music but I'm 24 and feel weird taking music lessons right now. I'll probably try that though.
Really at this point I don't even care about the depression or other symptoms, I just want sleep. I know I sound like a broken record, and I thank you so much for actually responding to these posts, but I don't know if I can deal with the depression or learning a new skill or exercising a lot until I can get a decent night's sleep. Even if I could just sleep for 6 or 7 hours that would be fantastic. This 2-4 hours of sleep a night is really taking it's toll on me, and to be honest I didn't think this would ever happen. I'd be okay with being dumb and losing faculties if I could sleep and be happy.
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