Over the last few years up until recently I've come to know that I don't like my family. I despise my father with all my heart, me and my younger brother pretty much don't get along well and don't have a brotherly bond, and even now I dislike being around my mother (my mom is the person I love most in my family and is the only person I can genuinely say I love within my immediate family.
To put it simply I don't like being anywhere around my family. My family situation is extremely toxic. My dad is an ignorant abusive controlling authoritarian piece of human garbage whose children hate him. My mother is pretty much a hopelessly ignorant social slave whose views and ways of doing things bother me profoundly. She is ignorant in so many ways with her views on life, society, and norms (she is also extremely paranoid, a misanthropist, and anti-social) and she bothers me constantly and deeply when she tries to apply those views in my life and more broadly in our family life and I can't stand to be around a train wreck of human like my mom. My brother is basically just an asshole, he is insolent, uncooperative, un-understanding, indifferent, immature and abusive and I don't get along with him and have never had a brotherly bond with him.
I've never had a family bond with almost any of my family members. I've never felt any sort of love for any of them other than my mother. I love my mother but even that love is somehow forced in a way because she is my mother and regardless of my love I clash with her constantly with her because of her world views.
Basically my parent don't love each other, my parents fight a lot, me and my brother don't get along and I basically can't stand any of them anymore. I feel like I'm a prisoner in this home, I don't feel free and feel trapped with this family. My father is extremely authoritarian and believes he has absolute power over my life and abuses us and mistreats and for that I hate him gravely.
I want to basically remove myself from my family, I don't want to be around them anymore. I can't stand this toxic family nor can I take feeling like I'm being held prisoner by the authoritarian nature of my family. I also can't stand my ignorant grandparents and aunts and uncles. I pretty much don't like my extended family either except for my cousins.
I plan on keeping contact with my mom regularly because I know she will be deeply hurt if I leave her forever and I wouldn't want to bring that pain to her but I will make sure she never has control over my life ever again and let her know she has no power or influence on my life. Honestly in the long run I plan on never seeing my father ever again and never want him to meet my future wife and kids or come anywhere near us and I don't plan on keeping too close in contact with my brother either. In fact I even plan on not even letting my mother come in contact with my future family. I don't want her influencing my children with her toxic world view let alone bringing that toxic horrible family chemistry from my old family into my new one. I want my own family (my wife and kids) to be the opposite of the family I was born into.
I don't want any of that chemistry to ever leak into my family and that is why I want to keep a distance between them and my mother and I of course will never allow my father anywhere near them or ever want to see him again. My brother probably will be kept at a distance as well. I want a fresh start with my own family and want nothing of that what I dealt with ever poisoning my family
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Dude, first thing is that you are not alone. I know more people who have dysfunctional families than those with functional families. It really boils down to what you want to do with your relationship towards your family. Is it worth it to stand by their side or to go your own way?
I can only give you my experience, but I decided to cut myself out of my family. For about three or four years, it's was what all I thought about when times were low. Was is a good decision? I will tell this, leaving my family ended up being a very sharp double edged sword. On one edge I have extreme individuality. I am no longer under the gas of toxic family relationships. I can become or do whatever I want. I'm in the best physical and mental shape of my life. I've had more experiences than my family and I am the youngest of three. On the other edge, I have no immediate emotional or financial support (not that I would get any, but the thought would have been there). Also, a few dates have been ruined by the question "Tell me about your family?"
With every decision there must be pros and cons. Now a days I thank myself for doing what I "had" to do. I would have never found my individuality, self-reliance, or the many skills that being on your own forces you to acquire. This is the most important part. Are you ready to be forced to learn the skills needed to live without support?
If anything, a large part of growing up is becoming your own person. And that involves making decisions. Some decisions are very hard to make. Are you willing to make a hard decision to become your own person?
I'll give you my advice. Save your breath, and grow away from you family. You don't need that crap right now. You need to grow. Wounds will heal in time. Go out and explore. Just be responsible enough not to come crawling back or you have defeated the purpose and perpetuated a terrible cycle.
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Its alright man, don't beat yourself up over it. If you don't like them, then you don't like them. Its ok. They've given you good reason. You're not like them, you're better than they are. You already know this. When you can leave, you'll leave, and that will be the end of that. Just keep your good friends close, you can substitute them for a family. Works pretty well. Once you move out you can still love them, but love them at arm's length. Don't let them be toxic to you, they don't own you, don't let them guilt you into going to see them any more frequently than you want. If that's never, then its never. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If there is one valuable lesson my jerk dad taught me that I'd actually thank him for, its that. You ain't gotta do shit you don't really want to. Other people should be considerate of that, as I am with them, and if not they can go suck it.
To be honest, I don't really like my family either. I mean like you, I love them, but I can't honestly say I like them. My dad was a big douchebag all throughout my childhood, just a royal asshole. I now know that he just didn't want to be in the marriage, which is now over. He didn't want kids, he hated the whole situation. Well then he shouldn't have been in it, as it only made my life miserable. He contacts me from time to time, but I try to avoid him. I'll see him a time or two throughout the year out of pity, but that's it. And its not for long. Most of my family are religious fundamentalists, and as you can see, I'm not. I'm here instead. My mom is just a disappointment, but I can get over that. She's only human, and I've made my own mistakes even if they aren't the same as hers. But I couldn't be around her regularly either. Which is ok, there's nothing wrong with that. We're just different types of people, just like you and yours.
All that being said, there is something to be said for forgiveness. It may be why you were born into that family, to learn it. I'm still learning it, and its hard, but I think I can do it. And lastly, as this is the mushroom forum, someone is gonna say it. So it might as well be me. Its likely mushrooms would help your family. No one can go through that experience, and not have to take a long, hard look at their lives. So you could always go that route, if you care enough to try and really help them. Maybe you don't, and you'll just leave. Whatever works best for you.
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