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Offlinejjl42093
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Registered: 09/10/14
Posts: 5
Last seen: 7 years, 10 months
Weekend at forest festival + afterparty and psychosis
    #22230661 - 09/13/15 09:35 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Hello!
This is my second post to this forum, i post this story not only so i could make some sense to myself of what happened but also to share it with you. English is not my native language so there probably is lot of spelling errors and weird sentence structures.

Before this weekend long festival i had been smoking weed daily for 2 years and tried a variety of drugs (mainly psychedelics and dissociatives  and a few times amfetamines)

I had gotten a pretty good supply for this festival, 7 hits of 200 ug lsd, ~150mg of mdma, 1g of very good speed and few grams of weed, also had some alcohol with me.

Friday evening everything went fine, i did some speed, weed, alcohol and mdma and had pretty fun evening/night. Unfortunately i cant remember much of that night. I remember mdma kicking in and that awesome feeling it gives you. Spend a lot of time at the camping area with my friends ( had 4 friends with me) and just enjoyed the experience. I didn´t sleep that night.

In the morning it all started to go weird. I was at my tent thinking about going to sleep, but first wanted to smoke a joint. I was just about to start rolling from my stash when i thought i heard police officers talking outside my tent. Also thought i heard a policedog barking and "marking my tent". I was terrified because i had never been in trouble with the law. I threw all drugs out of my tent and started to pretend sleeping. POlice officers were talking about whether to "burn me" (meaning to bust me) or go find another tent. I was really scared and my heart was beating crazy. Spent the next ~1 hour wondering if it was really happening or not, all this time i heard police officers talking and bringing more men to bust our asses, also thought i saw shadows of armed officers outside my tent through the tent canvas.
I decided to peek outside my tent and saw my friends outside and for a second i saw they were wearing bulletproof vests and figured they were working with the police to bust me. in a blink of an eye it was gone and everything was normal.

Now that i think of it getting busted was one of my worst fears, so it all seems pretty logic. I relaxed and managed to get sleep and rested for the day. I was hesitating about the next night, we had planned to do some acid and after the morning freakout i was wondering whethe i should pass or still do it.

Around 4pm i took ~50ug of acid and since everything was fine 2 hours later i did ~1/3 of 200 ug blotter.
Few hours after that things started to get very weird. The acid was kicking in really nicely and i had never been so high on acid.
I was feeling like having a bad trip and decided to go wondering around
the area and think about my life.
Then it all started. I heard peoples thoughts in my head. This was later confirmed with my friends ( i was thinking about if others can hear my thoughts and second after that my friend said "theres no way to proof it but theoretically yes")
Those thoughts were critizing me for and at the time i didn´t know why. It made me feel horrible and wanting to be alone, so i headed to camping area and went to my tent and just laid there while hating myself. My thoughts were racing and i thought about all the mistakes i had made and the bad parts of myself. I started to hope anybody would come and comfort me. I laid there for unknown time and 1 of my friends showed up. He tried to talk with me but i didn´t feel like interacting with anyone suddenly.

Next few hours went on with me hating myself and wondering in the area with my buddies. I had some pretty insane visuals and suddenly nothing and few moments after that visuals again, felt like acid wasgoing in and out in waves. I did some speed few times during the night and drank some booze and those helped me to cope with the bad feelings.

The morning came and i was still feeling shitty, so 1 my friend took me to go out in the forest with him. The sun was rising and everyhing started to feel nice and i was suddenly starting to feel good about myself. We were walking in a path that was on the forest and the sun was raising from right in front of us, we were mostly quiet but suddenly my friend told me to follow him to the light. Suddenly it all made sense, all my suffering from the night seemed like a sacrifice i had to make in order to redeem myself. I cried out of joy, it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

I finally was able to let go and just go with the flow. We went to sit in a matress that was in a perfect spot in the middle of the forest. We were silently sitting there bathing in the sun, and i thanked my friend and cried again. It was insanely awesome watching the sun rise.
I laid and closed my eyes and just enjoyed. My friend left and i stayed there to enjoy the moment. I was filling up with the light and it was just extremely euphoric to lay there.

This is where things went from weird to super weird.
I was laying there and suddenly felt like i wasn´t myself. I felt like i was soldier wounded in battle and couldn´t move. Also heard gunshots and shouting in russia. I was not afraid or feeling pain, i just laid there and accepted that i was dying in a war.
Now that i think of it that might have been an egodeath ? one of my greatest fears has been to go in a war and also the concept on dying.

After laying there thinking i was dying i finally was able to get up. I was full of energy and love, i was so grateful to be alive and still able to experience things. I started to wander back to the party area where music was still playing and people dancing. i was dancing (finally, i had some sort of "barrier" which had before blocked me for just relaxing and raving but now that was gone) all the way back and just enjoyed the beauty of the nature.

When i arrived at the party area i danced for a few hours and "melted" at the party. IT was insane party, everybodys was dancing like the world was gonna end. I felt like i was controlling the music and could move other people like they were puppets and i was holding the strings. I also at one point was in a virtual "god dj closet" where i was playing the music, just insane i tell you. Also one of the best moments of my life.

After dancing for few hours i went to lay besides a wall few meters from the party zone. I still felt like i was in charge of the music so i continued to "play it" with my hands and head. IT still felt like i going with the flow and not being "me" but just one of the party people. This is where i experienced some mindfuck looping. I relived the same sequence many times (probably closer to 10 than 5). I was able to pull out of that loop by doing things different at the last time (started to talk to guy next to me instead of just sitting there).
I was relieved. I started to pass in and out ( falling asleep and waking) and finally wandered back to the camping area.
Friends had packed their camping gear and so did i. We started our journey back to home and i rested for the rest of the day. I was confused and wondering what really happened last night, also exhausted.
That morning and the next 6 hours were "my personal heaven"

Day after that we did some speed with few other friends and hosted our own rave party in high school roof, just the 5 of us. I had really fun night and went home like 9 am. I tried to sleep but couldn´t so i went and drove around the town and talked to people. I was really "outgoing" ( talked to people and my selfconfidence was high as hell) and spent the day smalltalking with people.

In the evening i again started to hear voices in my head, which i thought were just other peoples thoughts. I figured i must still be at the festival and it all was just a dream/hallucination etc.
I also figured i would wake up at the festival if i somehow managed to "do right thing", i just didn´t know what i had to do.
Later that night i  ended up crashing a car cause i thought i was just going to "teleport in to another dimension" after driving into a pitt.
Well, obviously i didn´t teleport and i was driven to my parents house and afte being too psychotic they drove me to doctor. I was then rushed to psychic ward and spent next 2 weeks there.
On the psych ward i experienced my "personal hell", i was locked in room with only matress in it for 4 hours, it was devastating and really scary, the 2nd most frightning thing in my life. The most frightening was the day after my arrival when i felt like i was the same person as anyone else, and sharing a same consioucness. IT was absolutely horribe cause i knew exactly how everyone was going to react in every situtation, also what they were going to say. Nothing was ever going to feel "new" or surprise me. That waas the most frightening exoerience in my life, i felt like i was doomed to this for the rest of my life.
Also for the few first days on the ward i felt like i was still at the rave, just hallucinating all this.

Now it´s been a month after the crash and i still fell like im not totally fine. Everyday is better and im back to work etc, but still feeling shitty at a times.

On the positive side on the psyhcic ward i "found myself". I got in touch with who i really am and i want to do with some parts of my life. Also it made an artist ( i have started to understand music, making my oqn songs and covers, started to write movie scripts etc.) and made all my fears go away.

Long post, thanks for all readers and dont do drugs :wink: All comments are welcome :smile:


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InvisibleSheekle
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Registered: 01/11/10
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Re: Weekend at forest festival + afterparty and psychosis [Re: jjl42093]
    #22236991 - 09/14/15 02:46 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Yeah man, you should definitely stay away from the amphetamines and psychedelics if you had a psychotic break like that. You only get one brain

Sounds like a nutty adventure though


--------------------
"Ur cat died because he hated u" - Koods
"I hope JSB kicks your ass one day." - Vandago
"you are the biggest 'internet guy' I have ever come across"- Jokeshopbeard
"The more I see you post the more I realize you're just this fuckin tie dye loser who trolls the Shroomery 24/7." - Herbologist
"Sheekle you cannot vile the dice of bullshit you have posted on this forum over the years, I like databases" - thelastoneleft
"or maybe i just come from a blood line of superior intelligence" - trees

R.I.P Kelsy, ?/?/?? - 6/11/16


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Offlinejjl42093
Stranger
Registered: 09/10/14
Posts: 5
Last seen: 7 years, 10 months
Re: Weekend at forest festival + afterparty and psychosis [Re: Sheekle]
    #22240349 - 09/15/15 09:11 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Yep, really weird but somehow great adventure.
i have now been sober (except bentsodiatsepanes i was told to take and psychosis medication and few doses of alcohol)for a month and going to be at least for 6 months to get my drivers license back.

But i still miss smoking weed, i think that someday im gonna get back to smoking it but this time use it more responsibly, like once or twice a month.


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Offlinephishindub
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Registered: 08/25/15
Posts: 104
Loc: the shitty
Last seen: 8 years, 3 months
Re: Weekend at forest festival + afterparty and psychosis [Re: jjl42093]
    #22264332 - 09/20/15 11:22 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Yea I've had very similar effects from amphetimes. Auditory an very life like visuall hallucenations. I had thought someone kicked my door in and was robbing my house.


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Offlineberdinwall
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Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 4,276
Loc: West Virginia
Last seen: 2 years, 2 months
Re: Weekend at forest festival + afterparty and psychosis [Re: phishindub]
    #22296952 - 09/27/15 02:39 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I think its the mix of amphetamines and sleep deprivation. The latter is definitely known to cause psychosis


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Offlinejjl42093
Stranger
Registered: 09/10/14
Posts: 5
Last seen: 7 years, 10 months
Re: Weekend at forest festival + afterparty and psychosis [Re: berdinwall]
    #22396644 - 10/18/15 08:36 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Hi guys!
Its now 2 and half months after this psychotic experience and now im feelin totally fine, i could even say im "better" in a way than my old self.

I have had a lot of time to think about my experience, personality and life in general, and finally have made somekind of closure.
I realizied i have had some sort of anxiety problem and not being ok with myself partly because of it.
Now I have no such problems, I actually enjoy talking ( or just listening) with other people, especially if i dont know them. Previously I have been preoccupying myself with my own thoughts and thinking how to get other people to accept me, sosocializing was more like a burden than a gift. Now my mind is clear, Im just enjoying the experience everyday and feel like I have never been as confident as nowadays.

Now i have been working out regulary and also stopped smoking cigarettes. Im also going to apply to study sosiology/psychology in the next year.

Comments saying it was sleep deprivation are probably right ( ofcourse combined with many substances) but what also happened was that i was kinda like living my life "in my head", not in this reality.

I would say this psychosis was one of the best things that happened to me, even at the time it felt horrible. I haven´t used drugs since that episode, i will get my drivers license back probably in March and after i dont have to go to tests anymore i think im going to experiment with few things to further explore my mind and psyche.


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Invisiblefilthyknees
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Registered: 03/08/13
Posts: 6,283
Re: Weekend at forest festival + afterparty and psychosis [Re: jjl42093]
    #22398182 - 10/18/15 03:00 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Welcome back :thumbup:


--------------------
But if you're in a hurry, and really got to go
If you're in a hurry, might have to find out slow
That it's one thing to try and another to fly
You get there quicker just a step at a time
It's one thing to bark, another to bite
The show ain't over till you pack up at night


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OfflineHanz
Freak & Gentleman
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Registered: 08/02/15
Posts: 2,932
Loc: Amsterdam
Last seen: 5 years, 4 months
Re: Weekend at forest festival + afterparty and psychosis [Re: jjl42093]
    #22399206 - 10/18/15 06:24 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Sounds good!  .. also:

Quote:

jjl42093 said:
Now i have been working out regulary and also stopped smoking cigarettes.




..keep this up. It's the best gift you can give yourself.

Love, Hanz.


--------------------
Small scale alternative parties rich in empathy and extravagance. Happen to know of one in the vicinity of Amsterdam? PM me my dear fellow. I love to meet some other freaks.

Oh and, if you can,.. embrace the nyctomorph. It needs you.


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Offlinejjl42093
Stranger
Registered: 09/10/14
Posts: 5
Last seen: 7 years, 10 months
Re: Weekend at forest festival + afterparty and psychosis [Re: jjl42093]
    #22987836 - 03/09/16 02:49 AM (7 years, 10 months ago)

Hello everyone!

Thought I give my final report on this matter.
It´s been a while since my last messages, and things have been going good since then. Few weeks ago I got my drivers license back, I have been exercising regulary and found the things Im passionate about in life.

Just thought I shared this one adventure I was in for a months or so.
I had been drugless for over a 6 moths and finally my drugtests stopped. Ofcourse I thought I could smoke some weed, since it had been so long break from smoking it. This was about a month ago.

First time smoking weed was just pure confusion, felt like I was back at the exact same mood I was in psychotic state. This first time I just tried to make sense of what is real and what is imagination and whats real. Regardless of how I felt while being high again, I bought few g´s of weed and started to experiment with my psyche and reality.

Few times I smoked just a tiny amounts (like 0,02-0,05 g) just to get a hang of it. Ater few weeks smoking few times a week I felt like I could handle it, so i ended smoking bigger amounts more frequently.
I had these these really cool thoughts and visuals and I was able to see whatever I wanted to see in my imagination. When listening to music I received information about life and universe and the information translated into knowledge without words or thoughts. It was so awesome to receive this info and knowledge I had been after all my life, felt like i want to know all about everything. Now I guess you´re not supposed to know everything, because everything has its price.

In Finland we have this expression which translates roughly "if you give your pinky to the devil, it will take your whole hand". That´s exactly what happened to me. Although I was not a religious man (always considered myself an atheist) I started to pick up these little messages when interacting with people. It felt like life is a game of "god" and "satan", and each one was trying to get me to join them. I tried to stay in the middle of it, not taking sides and just being without caring about these messages.

At this point I have to clarify few things. Sice my first psychotic incident I have been really interested in psychology and how the human mind works, also in spirit world and mythology. Smoking weed intensified my interest on these subjects and how i perceived these things. I got so much insight on these things that I can´t translate it into words, at least yet. But roughly, I felt that there are 3 dimensions, one is this physical realm that we live in and one is the spiritual world and the one is somewhere between.
I think that people who are spiritually and physicaly (also mentally) okay and fine with themselves, are living in heaven and good things happen to them, but only if they bring good to the lifes of others.


Well, back to the story. I figured out that I had opened my third eye, so I was living spiritual and physical realities at the same time. Days passed by and everyday the plot thikened, I was receiving more and more information about life and meaning of everything, and somehow managed to translate it into knowledge. But as I gained more and more information, I also felt that it was starting to become too much for me and I felt like I wasn´t able to handle it all. Everyday became more of a struggle to stay in "between the worlds" and find answers to things I had been wondering.

Then started the final 2 days that ended my spiritual and mental journey (Though happily, this time). I was shifting in between these dimensions, at first I was able to handle it and get back to reality when I felt so, but each time it proved to be more and more difficult.
These 2 days of work were really interesting but also frightening. I work at local supermarket, mainly customer service and stuff like that. Basically those 2 days I was not in this psysical world and every discussion I had was about choosing sides with either "god" or "satan" and everybody I spoke to were convinced that they had figured out the real answer and I should join them.
It was coming clear to me that I had to stop it before I lose control and snap. I tried to ignore everything for the last time, and manged few hours.
Then came the next morning and the day I managed to finally end it all.
The day started okay, but as I went to work everything started to go wrong. I could not handle any of my thoughts or senses and was just trying to survive the day. I got off from work and phoned a friend who I thought is an expert on spiritual things. He agreed to meet me in few minutes. I chatted with him for a while, trying to make sense of anything but at the moment felt like he made me even more crazier, if I may say so. As I was speaking to him I started to get this weird sensation that I was high on acid, had the same taste in my mouth, same thought patterns and same overall feeling.
That scared the shit out of me and I left almoset instantly after this feeling. I had these crazy thought how i have only few hours to figure it all out before it was too late, the world was gonna collapse inside me and I was gonna be trapped eternally into nothing while being aware of the fact. Thought I had gained too much info and secrets of the universe for any man to handle, and therefore I had to something awful to somebody to avoid all that. These were the exactly same thoughts and feeling which occured in my first psychosis, this time though I recognized them and knew what was happening.
As i was rushing back to home, I met my co-worker who said he could take me home. I was feeling really fucked up in everyway possible so I asked to go pickup another of my coworkers and drive around for a while. We drove around and I tried to speak with them but mainly I was just saying something, stopping middle the sentence, and continuiging about another subject. They ended up driving me home. As i arrived home I instantly changed my clothes and went running. I ran and ran and ran, I felt dopamine was the only thing keeping me sane and in this world. I was running for my life, also puked while running.
As I got home few hours later, I instantly took a shower and made rituals to close my third eye. Started to feel better and better and called my brother to hang out with me. He came and we played videogames and watched a movie. Then came the night and I went to sleep, I was sleeping really fine. The next day was really great, had few hours of psychotic behavior but it all faded away during the morning. Rest of the day I felt like living in heaven, my soul, body and mind had been cleansed out of all evil thoughts, feeling and emotions.
Now it´s been a few day since that psychotic episode and I feel that my journey has ended. I am just enjoying the day and making the best of it. Hopefully I will always remember this feeling :smile:


Well, long post, a story like this can´t be put into words, I only wrote like an essay, when a book should be written on this matter.
Thanks to anyone who read this, I will appreciate all comments and thoughts. If you have any questions I more than happy to answer them.
As a final closure, I feel that now im being guided by my holy spirit, and dont need know drugs anymore. Maybe someday I try some so I won´t forget theres more than that to live for.


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InvisibleChemicalSpark


Registered: 10/08/15
Posts: 2,057
Re: Weekend at forest festival + afterparty and psychosis [Re: jjl42093]
    #22989184 - 03/09/16 02:28 PM (7 years, 10 months ago)

.


Edited by ChemicalSpark (12/29/16 07:28 PM)


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