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Batcat
Space Cadet
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severely depressed... would appreciate feedback
#22217927 - 09/10/15 05:51 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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I seriously feel that I have become stuck in a permanent psychosis. I was diagnosed bipolar many years ago and would stop taking my medication. Instead, I would choose to use other drugs.
I was always a huge pothead and would take psychedelics as often as possible. I never let my drug use interfere with my ability to work at my job. I went on a big crack/heroin binge and still showed up to work. There were times when I would stay up three days straight high on crack and would work through it. Then one day I overdosed on heroin and that was enough to get me to stop crack /heroin completely.
After a year off those drugs I thought everything was ok. Then one day I took a moderate dose of acid and then all of a sudden I felt my mind delve into the realms of insanity.
I am completely devoid of emotion. I literally think I am dead, or at least experiencing hell on earth. All I experience now is despair. All I want to do is hide in my room and play dead, even though I can't really sleep anymore.
I don't know what to do with myself I can't talk to anyone and no one wants to talk to me because I'm fucking crazy.
I'm in some godhead space I think and I don't like it. I'm 24 years old in the grand scheme of things I have accomplished nothing. I don't like it up here I don't like what I'm seeing......
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impatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard



Registered: 11/26/14
Posts: 5,054
Loc: USA
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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: Batcat]
#22217967 - 09/10/15 06:03 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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You'll probably feel better in a year. Stay away from drugs and your brain should get on the right track again. I would even stop smoking weed.
I bet your family will talk to you. Even if your "fucking crazy" nobody wants to see their family stressed out.
Just keep venting on the Shroomery if you need to haha
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HardTrippin
The Ambivalent



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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: impatientguy]
#22218275 - 09/10/15 07:06 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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I feel for ya man. My mom is bipolar. Deep end manic. She has it controlled now but it was honestly more like schizophrenia than bipolar. My cousin just got diagnosed schizo too. Rampant in my family. You need to lay off the drugs and focus on getting better. If you can reach a point where you can find someone to be with then their support will help more than anything. In the mean time keep your family close. They are the most important thing.
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Sade
Cheatin bastered



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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: HardTrippin]
#22218301 - 09/10/15 07:11 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Yep you need to take a break OP. I use to be an alcoholic and would always be depressed and wouldn't when I was drinking. Now I have slowed down greatly and pretty much drink once a week and feel much better. Giving your mind a break and picking up other activities greatly helps. May sound dumb but go for just a walk. Being in the same environment constantly can be depressing.
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r.lutece
gave Columbia her wings.



Registered: 09/06/15
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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: Sade] 2
#22219541 - 09/11/15 12:15 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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This probably sounds really stupid, but I read a post once of someone dealing with depression by treating themselves like a Sim. If they felt like shit but couldn't pinpoint why, they would just go down the list of Sim needs until they covered all of their needs. They said they always felt much better.
Hunger - Have you eaten good food recently? Something more complex than carbs? (And don't forget to stay hydrated.) Bathroom - Poop out your frustration Hygiene - Had a shower within the last 24 hrs? Scrub away the misery. Sleep - Are you staying well rested? Shit's important, yo. Social - Chatted with anyone lately? Go hang at a bar with a friend. Fun - Check out a movie you've been wanting to see or a game you haven't played yet. Comfort - How does your BODY feel? Need to do some stretches? Could you use a massage? Environment - Spend some time cleaning house. Make your home aesthetically pleasing. Organize shit. Make your bed, if you're feeling ambitious.
If you find yourself in a pool with no ladder, it might be time to panic. Until then, maybe lay off the drugs for a bit. Let your system clear out. Take care of your body. Then see where you're at.
-------------------- One goes into an experiment knowing one might fail. But one does not undertake an experiment knowing one HAS failed.
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impatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard



Registered: 11/26/14
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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: r.lutece]
#22221321 - 09/11/15 10:53 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Good checklist. I like it!
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Batcat
Space Cadet
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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: impatientguy]
#22222022 - 09/11/15 01:32 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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i feel like im in a pool with no ladder
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m4dScientist
Music Always Helps


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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: Batcat] 1
#22223522 - 09/11/15 06:37 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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whats up my man??
all I can say is hang in there. and I know that's the shittiest, most generic response, but its the truth.
and btw, youre not "fuckin crazy". crazy people don't know theyre crazy. youre just feeding into the inner voice inside telling you you are, which is false.
from experience, i can tell you that until my body and mind were clear of all mind and mood altering substances for a couple years, my mental state remained the same. but things WILL improve. these things take time, and i know its hard to accept that while youre sitting in it, but everything happens for a reason, and youre exactly where youre meant to be right now.
im sorry that you have to struggle with this. i still on a daily basis question my very purpose and existence, and feel sorry for myself because this life truly has tortured me, but i believe that in time, all of this will have served a purpose, and it is the catalyst to lead me towards great things in the future.
keep your head up man. things will get better!!!!
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Batcat
Space Cadet
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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: m4dScientist]
#22223780 - 09/11/15 07:31 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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I'm an altruistic lone wolf. I feel the burden of others but there is nothing I alone can do to fix their problems. I need to take care of myself if I'm going to be any help to anyone.
sucks being alone when you know you need help.
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lillFish
Daydreamer



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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: Batcat]
#22224184 - 09/11/15 08:44 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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YES I have thought about that SIMS thing before. That's perfect! Need to just troubleshoot your life and work through it systematically.
-------------------- My Wish & Trade list
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Batcat
Space Cadet

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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: lillFish]
#22228173 - 09/12/15 05:38 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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I appreciate your words of encouragement m4dScientist.
I can't dwell on who I am and what I have done. Honestly; all the mistakes I have made I was going to make either which way at one point or another. I can't think about them anymore, they just make matters worse for me.
In my current status I feel horribly pessimistic. I treat life as a learning experience. I'm an observer/overseer. I'm way too conscious of what everyone else is doing around me while I just stand there and think to myself of what they are doing and how I could possibly relate to them. I'm an analyzer. I'm a robot. I need to get in tune with my create expression because I can't stop thinking about how all my existence is 0's and 1's. there is no 'not sure' with 0's and 1's. Yes. No. maybe is not an answer. Negative. Affirmative.
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moonrockmushy
High on Spite



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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: Batcat]
#22229866 - 09/13/15 03:07 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Congrats on getting clean that shows alot of determination so I think you should never get too down on yourself. If you're 24 and you stay away from harmful drugs, you are in a very good position even if it doesn't feel like it. Trust me, you're doing great.
Do you have/like the work that you're doing?
When you weren't depressed, what were your aspirations?
How long has this episode of depression lasted?
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Giftofdeprivation
Discerning Vagrant



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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: Batcat] 1
#22238938 - 09/14/15 10:12 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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One thing I want to say is as a psych major, I know it's not beneficial to dwell too much on the labels of the industry. Every burgeoning psych major learns the folly of ruminating on their sanity through self diagnoses, and it is a great lesson for what patients following a diagnosis. If you are really worried about it, post what's bothering you anonymously, or PM me. If you have a propensity to schizophrenic thoughts, or bipolar tendencies, it can always be managed, but drugs are usually a step in the wrong direction.
Engagement has everything to do with depression. If you find yourself slipping away from the things you once enjoyed, eating less, sleeping more to avoid life, sleeping less to spend more time ruminating, spending all your time inside your head, rather than experiencing life... Depression is no joke and pushes you to an uncontrolled apathy that overtakes everything you know. The irony is that it's this apathy that causes depression and depression causes the apathy.
How do you overcome this cruel cycle? Seek engagement. PUSH yourself. It's the only way, because change doesn't come from doing nothing. You have to FIGHT, which is to say, you need to find a reason to fight. Some ideal to work towards. It starts with one, then you find more and more. Do you have kids? Do you have religion? Do you have things you enjoy doing? What did you want to be when you grow up?
Force yourself out of bed. Go through the motions. It hurts, they're laborious and torturous, but you've done them all before. You're just out of habit. Force yourself to eat; pick at some snacks at first, if you have to. Do more things you enjoy. Start with simple things, then get more and more active. Go work out if you can.
Most importantly, you need to force a conscious shift. Move away from apathy and force yourself to FIGHT for what you want in life. Things aren't given, they're earned. You have to want it, that's all. Because once you overcome that hurdle, you'll find you're quite capable of attaining anything you can imagine.
If there are specific things bothering you, feel free to post them, or PM me for advice. Keep in mind this is an entheogen forum and no one here is a professional. If you are this deep in your depression and our advice does not help, you might need to speak to someone trained to treat it.
--------------------
Looking for recipes? Have some recipes to share? Please post what you have in the official cooking thread for Pubbers! HERE! Shoutout to Azur's Official cooking thread for OTDers! Posters Beware!
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Batcat
Space Cadet

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I used to love my job, but ironically when I made the decision to stop using drugs that's when my life got worse and worse.
I have the label of a junkie, and that self image will never go away. I am labeled a zombie.
my change in behavior is what caused this living nightmare. I lost all self worth so I suppose in the world's eye I am worthless.
I'm mr. pessimist right now.
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Giftofdeprivation
Discerning Vagrant



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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: Batcat] 1
#22243058 - 09/15/15 07:50 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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If you own that pessimism and refuse to let it go, because "it defines you" or "you're justified for it" in some way, you are only clinging to pathology and handicapping your true potential. Are there bigger issues, or are the drugs the main ones?
What drugs were you using and why do you feel lesser without them? How were they benefiting you? More importantly, how were/are the hindering you. You sound quite psychologically damaged from them (ALWAYS a temporary state) if what you say is true, what keeps bringing you back?
I used to be heavily dependent on pot (for 10 years). Got to about half a gram of BHO on some days (or an eighth of flower). When I couldn't keep up with my intake (work), I'd suffer withdrawals: insomnia (9 hours of sleep total in the first week of reduction), appetite loss (lost 15 lbs in two weeks), and manic amounts of stress. Often times, the withdrawal symptoms caused relapse, but it didn't break my stride. As long as I was using less than the day prior, I was OK. I am now down to about one bowl a week and all of the withdrawals are gone. I have more energy, but it's positive now (sometimes I get manic, but it's completely manageable). I eat plenty and, while I still don't sleep the best, I'm not really actively working on it (which is kinda stupid).
My point telling you all this is that quitting is a process (no matter the drug), and you just have to take it one day at a time (as AA/NA would say). All the difficulties you are facing now will NOT be there tomorrow if you keep moving forward in a positive way.
WHAT GOALS DO YOU HAVE IN LIFE? That's what you truly need to focus on. Not your hangups.
Ever drive a car? You tend to veer wherever you are looking. Look up, dude.
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Looking for recipes? Have some recipes to share? Please post what you have in the official cooking thread for Pubbers! HERE! Shoutout to Azur's Official cooking thread for OTDers! Posters Beware!
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Kinko
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bruh I'm a low life , high school drop out idiot who has not showered in over a week , never had a girlfriend and have no friends and work in the hot son all day for shit wages depression is my middle name. I understand however that possibly billions of people have it worse then me , yet they seem to be trying . they say talent is saddest thing a human being can waste... well I could have been a professional boxer , volleyball player or sharpshooter with little guidance and practice but here I am waiting for the Sun to rise to go to a job I hate and repeat.... I recently acquired my green card so a better job could possibly help out a bit
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moonrockmushy
High on Spite



Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: Batcat]
#22243318 - 09/15/15 08:46 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Batcat said: I used to love my job, but ironically when I made the decision to stop using drugs that's when my life got worse and worse.
I have the label of a junkie, and that self image will never go away. I am labeled a zombie.
my change in behavior is what caused this living nightmare. I lost all self worth so I suppose in the world's eye I am worthless.
I'm mr. pessimist right now.
Yeah I know that feeling, but trust me stick with it. If you work towards making your situation better it will happen. If you're having a hard time doing that work consider getting on anti-depressants or something. It kinda sucks, but it is leagues better than going back to using street drugs.
I always held down a job really well when I was using, then every time I stopped people started thinking I was on drugs fuck them though. You have to live for yourself, and you can't be happy if you're all cracked out. Everyone's got to work, but you might be able to find financial aid or something to go to school, or get some sort of free training that would lead to a better job in the field you've got experience in.
Seriously fuck what the world thinks of you, if you value yourself that is all that matters. Then you will have the courage to take opportunities when they come up, and everyone might not get to make all their wildest dreams come true, but things can always get better if you work for it. You might even realize that is what was missing in your life that lead you to drugs in the first place, just a little sense of accomplishment goes a long way.
Stick at it man, whatever it takes be stubborn in looking out for your own needs above all else.
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Giftofdeprivation
Discerning Vagrant



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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: moonrockmushy]
#22243347 - 09/15/15 08:50 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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I never liked psycho-pharmacology. It's newer and more dangerous than the street drugs in a lot of cases. We've come a long way, but I just don't trust them...
Stick with your job, but start seeing it as a stepping stone for something larger. No one wants to be a minimum wage casualty. Try not to focus on living through the next day, try focusing on something larger than yourself or your immediate struggles. Why do you think religious people tend to be fairly healthy (if not delusional), there's something to be said for retaining an ideal and constantly working towards its realization. Find something you love and latch the fuck on. keep searching for more things that fill you with love or bring you happiness.
--------------------
Looking for recipes? Have some recipes to share? Please post what you have in the official cooking thread for Pubbers! HERE! Shoutout to Azur's Official cooking thread for OTDers! Posters Beware!
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moonrockmushy
High on Spite



Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
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You may not like it but alot of people have had success with anti-depressants, even as just a short term thing to get the ball rolling in the right direction. Especially for someone who views themselves as severely depressed I think it is downright irresponsible to recommend street drugs over professional help. Part of the problem with street drugs is that it is a whole lifestyle, and having had it run you down once before it would be a huge mistake to think that won't happen a second time.
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Giftofdeprivation
Discerning Vagrant



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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: moonrockmushy]
#22243373 - 09/15/15 08:58 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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I agree with everything you've said, with the caveat:
ANY drug given to someone with severe depression (regardless of legality and research), should be coupled with CBT (or some kind of theraphy, CBT and anti-depressants just have the best results by the research).
They should always be short term and not a permanent crutch, imho.
--------------------
Looking for recipes? Have some recipes to share? Please post what you have in the official cooking thread for Pubbers! HERE! Shoutout to Azur's Official cooking thread for OTDers! Posters Beware!
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Cognitive_Shift
CS actual




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Posts: 29,591
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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: Batcat]
#22243768 - 09/15/15 10:39 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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OP I feel you I've been stuck in the funk of depression for a couple months now. Eating healthy and exercising help BY FAR the most more then anything. I'm prescribed wellbutrin too and that helps with the apathy. It comes and goes, but exercise specifically works best for me. When you're in shape it helps bring back some self confidence.
-------------------- L'enfer est plein de bonnes volontés et désirs
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Batcat
Space Cadet

Registered: 08/01/10
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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: Cognitive_Shift]
#22266075 - 09/20/15 05:35 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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i am a literal reject to society.
all the lies i've created are all haunting up on me.
i don't have feelings. i have no soul. happiness is but a dream i will never reach.
if i work out and exercise it is just showing im trying to toughen up
my spirit is gone. im literally a waste ill have fun stitching up my own wounds in the future.
Edited by Batcat (09/20/15 05:38 PM)
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moonrockmushy
High on Spite



Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: Batcat]
#22266314 - 09/20/15 06:25 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Do you exercise, or do you just assume that it would change the way other people view you in a way that isn't true to the person you feel you are?
Honestly I've been struggling to get my life under control for years now, and exercise has really been the #1 thing that has helped me. It doesn't make you happy as much as it gives you a way to escape that overactive part of your brain that forces thoughts like this into your head. Nobody can really bother me when I'm running, and I can use my anxiety to push myself harder until I feel like I actually want to slow down and relax.
It sounds like you're intent on self-destruction, which nobody here can really change, but I believe you can and if you need professional help there is nothing wrong with that. Fuck fitting in with society, leave that to society, do what is right for you.
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impatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard



Registered: 11/26/14
Posts: 5,054
Loc: USA
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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: moonrockmushy]
#22266728 - 09/20/15 07:59 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Sounds like your too far gone for some people on a drug forum to help you. We really did give you excellent advise though. Theres nothing else any of us can say that you haven't heard already.
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m4dScientist
Music Always Helps


Registered: 08/04/14
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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: Batcat]
#22266965 - 09/20/15 08:48 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Batcat said:
all the lies i've created are all haunting up on me.
Including the lies that you have no feelings, that you're a reject to society, that happiness is something you'll never achieve. Lies, lies, lies.
You're fueled by self pity, and until you break free of that attitude, you're right, you never will achieve happiness.
Misery consumed me for years. Granted, I still struggle daily, but do you know when I started to see improvements? When I stopped accepting that happiness was unattainable, when I stopped saying "poooor me", when I actually got off my ass n started doing things that I knew would make my life better (cutting certain people out of my life, picking up hobbies (even if my depression rendered everything pretty dull), when I started stepping outside of my comfort zone)
We as human beings want instant gratification. Now now now. The state you're in now, is the result of years of depression and negative thought processes, no? So keep in mind that you didn't become fucked up overnight, nor are you going to feel better overnight. This sort of stuff takes time. I know it's hard to accept, but you're exactly where you're supposed to be right now.
I honestly hate clichés but fake it until you make it. It's gonna be tough and life is gonna suck but things can and will get better. It honestly starts with your attitude. Adjust yours and things will start to improve, slowly. Be patient my friend
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moonrockmushy
High on Spite



Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: m4dScientist]
#22267382 - 09/20/15 10:18 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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That's the truth. Even just a little patience goes a long way. If you have a hard time helping yourself, sometimes helping other people can have the same effect. It might not be clear right now what path will allow you to do that, but if you have patience you will see that things always change, that is something that we can all count on for better or worse, and if you think you know what your future holds you're almost certainly wrong.
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micro
bunbun has a gungun



Registered: 05/09/03
Posts: 7,532
Loc: Brick City
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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: Batcat]
#22267877 - 09/21/15 01:52 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Batcat said: I seriously feel that I have become stuck in a permanent psychosis.
It doesn't sound like you are batshit insane (no pun intended) but it does sound like depression. The only way you're going to pull yourself out of this is to make yourself get up and do something that puts you in a better position.
What is called resignation is but confirmed desperation - Henry David Thoreau
-------------------- Any research paper or book for free (Avatar is Maxxy, a character by Mizzyam, RIP)
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spookman
Toad-licker

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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: micro]
#22267886 - 09/21/15 01:58 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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The checklist is good. I would also add, exercise - movement. Even if just going for a walk, you feel better.
The other thing is your meds. Are you back on them? Why did you stop? Are you better when on them?
-------------------- Subterranean Hermes, guardian of my father's realms, Become my saviour and my ally, in answer to my prayer. For I am come and do return to this my land. - Aristophanes, The Frogs.
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r.lutece
gave Columbia her wings.



Registered: 09/06/15
Posts: 745
Loc: ∅
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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: spookman]
#22268405 - 09/21/15 08:30 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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I would like to second the "fake it 'til you make it" advice as well. There's legitimate evidence stating that just pretending to be happy and forcing a smile on your face can actually induce happiness.
-------------------- One goes into an experiment knowing one might fail. But one does not undertake an experiment knowing one HAS failed.
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micro
bunbun has a gungun



Registered: 05/09/03
Posts: 7,532
Loc: Brick City
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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: r.lutece]
#22268437 - 09/21/15 08:46 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
r.lutece said: I would like to second the "fake it 'til you make it" advice as well. There's legitimate evidence stating that just pretending to be happy and forcing a smile on your face can actually induce happiness.
there's also evidence that most people are turned off by a fake smile :V
-------------------- Any research paper or book for free (Avatar is Maxxy, a character by Mizzyam, RIP)
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404
error


Registered: 08/20/10
Posts: 14,539
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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: Batcat]
#22268527 - 09/21/15 09:18 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Batcat said: i am a literal reject to society.
all the lies i've created are all haunting up on me.
i don't have feelings. i have no soul. happiness is but a dream i will never reach.
if i work out and exercise it is just showing im trying to toughen up
my spirit is gone. im literally a waste ill have fun stitching up my own wounds in the future.
perhaps helping others will help you, as it does many other people. community service is something that can help build you spiritually and helps to develop a sense of compassion, which in turn warms the heart.
the hardest part is putting a foot forward and actively making that first small change in behavior.
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r.lutece
gave Columbia her wings.


Registered: 09/06/15
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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: micro] 1
#22272078 - 09/21/15 11:04 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
micro said:
Quote:
r.lutece said: I would like to second the "fake it 'til you make it" advice as well. There's legitimate evidence stating that just pretending to be happy and forcing a smile on your face can actually induce happiness.
there's also evidence that most people are turned off by a fake smile :V
That's probably true, but in this particular scenario, people can suck it. It's more important that one is taking steps to make themselves happy than it is to please everyone else by not smiling because it isn't genuine. Hell, if you practice enough, you'll get so good at fake smiling that no one will be able to tell. 
EDIT: Apparently I hit the anonymous button the first time 'round.
-------------------- One goes into an experiment knowing one might fail. But one does not undertake an experiment knowing one HAS failed.
Edited by r.lutece (09/21/15 11:05 PM)
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zzripz
Stranger


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Re: severely depressed... would appreciate feedback [Re: Batcat]
#22274723 - 09/22/15 03:40 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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you said that you began going into this depression after an LSD trip? Can you describe the experience a bit?
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