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goldcaphunter
EMS Medic



Registered: 07/29/12
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So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least.
#22213528 - 09/09/15 05:51 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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So I'm dating the girl of my dreams right now. She moved north just out reach basically, and she comes back about once every other weekend. That's where the problem starts I guess.
About two years ago we were together but I had to let her go because I was having possibly life ending medical problems and surgery and I panicked. I didn't want her to be close to me in case the unimaginable happened, I didn't want her to hurt too much you know? About a year later my buddy decided he wanted her and they went out for about a year. Then out of nowhere I found her at a party and she invited to go camping so I did, long story short we got really close again and started dating....again.
I realize I made a huge mistake when I broke up with her the first time and ever since have been absolutely terrified of losing her.
Since she left she has become really distant and I brought it up to her one weekend while she was back and she was very upset with me. Upset to the point where she asked if we should separate for a while. I of course declined that offer and told her we could make it work and explained my passion for her. Of course she just sat there and cried while poured my heart out to her.
She left to go back to her new place the day after. Since she left (about a week ago this time) I can't stop thinking about what she said and it's causing me really bad anxiety and grief. I told her this numerous times and her response was "it's ok" now that's not like her at all, she always has something to say and really puts thought into our conversation. It's been difficult to get her to even pick up her phone. Occasionally she will have a short conversation but always says she has to go and we'll talk later, but I just end up sitting around waiting for the phone to ring but she doesn't call back.
I'm really worried that I fucked shit up this time by bringing up how I felt, I need some sort of advice or words of comfort, she's the woman I've been waiting for and I feel like she doesn't care about me in the slightest.
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  The picture to the far left is a reminder to our users to stay safe and healthy, that's my third open heart surgery due to over use of amps. Stay safe kiddos
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nuentoter
conduit



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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: goldcaphunter]
#22213578 - 09/09/15 06:01 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Take a hint man, the ship is sinking. There may already be water in the boiler room.
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The geometry of us is no chance. We are antennae, we are tuning forks, we are receiver and transmitters of all energy. We are more than we know. - @entheolove "I found I could say things with color and shapes that I couldn't say any other way - things I had no words for" - Georgia O'Keefe I think the word is vagina
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Sade
Cheatin bastered



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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: goldcaphunter]
#22213585 - 09/09/15 06:03 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Fuck man distance can be a bitch. To be honest it doesn't sound good if she brought up the idea to separate. When women say that they mean let's break up but I want to be nice about it.
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larry.fisherman
shoulda died already



Registered: 11/03/12
Posts: 36,294
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: goldcaphunter]
#22213588 - 09/09/15 06:03 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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What I'm seeing is that you placed your own insecurities on her when she didn't feel like she was doing anything wrong. Now she feels some kind of guilt and is unsure how to act without making you feel unsure, which is making her unsure of the situation because she doesn't want to feel that way. Being in a long distance relationship strains this further because there is all that time apart. To be honest you probably panicked and said too much. The cure to this is to be happy with her and yourself. She knows how you feel, you know how she feels. Now is the time to try and put this in the past and not let any future interactions be weighed by this situation. She will forget if you forget.
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twoseeeye
greenhorn



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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: goldcaphunter]
#22213606 - 09/09/15 06:09 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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I'm sorry to hear that man, I've had my fair share of heartbreak myself. I'm not exactly sure what to tell you, in my experience nothing anyone ever said to me helped much, it really takes time. I will tell you however that when a woman starts acting callous like that it's never in your favor to wait by the phone. You need to distract yourself. Spend some time with friends, talk to people, practice a hobby, study up on identifying your local active mushrooms (that's my hobby). And ALWAYS value yourself as a person who benefits others. If all you wanted was to be closer to her and she pushed you away, she's missing out on being with someone caring. You should be with someone who embraces you as well as you embrace them. thats my 2 cents.
-------------------- These are not the droids you're looking for
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goldcaphunter
EMS Medic



Registered: 07/29/12
Posts: 7,432
Loc: Massachusetts
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: twoseeeye]
#22214176 - 09/09/15 08:21 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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I think you guys hit the nail on the head saying I pushed my insecurities onto her, now that another person has said it to me I kind of realize I did exactly that. When she said she wanted to separate she said she just didn't want to be in a relationship right now, but when she moves back she wants to be with me(she does have plans on returning). I told her that either we're in a relationship or not and she kind of said ok but mostly cried and hid her face. I don't think she really knows what she wants either.
I guess I should give her some space and let her contact me if she wants? The one thing I don't need is her thinking I'm ignoring her. I just want to fix this.
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  The picture to the far left is a reminder to our users to stay safe and healthy, that's my third open heart surgery due to over use of amps. Stay safe kiddos
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
Posts: 89,464
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: goldcaphunter]
#22214250 - 09/09/15 08:37 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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That's strange she was crying.
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Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
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goldcaphunter
EMS Medic



Registered: 07/29/12
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: Amanita86]
#22214401 - 09/09/15 09:12 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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So strange haha. Sarcasm aside it actually was strange, she's not a cryer
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  The picture to the far left is a reminder to our users to stay safe and healthy, that's my third open heart surgery due to over use of amps. Stay safe kiddos
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sprinkles
otd president


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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: goldcaphunter]
#22214415 - 09/09/15 09:16 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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the one who cares the least has the power.
you know in your heart that she is not the one for you. after your friend dated her you decided you wanted her again. And NOW you only want her because she is emotionally unavailable. We always want what we cant have. Its a human condition.
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Rebelutionsssss
Mdmazing



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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: sprinkles]
#22214449 - 09/09/15 09:25 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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If you fuck up a relationship by bring up how you feel it wasn't worth it to begin with
-------------------- : To define is to confine.
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
Posts: 89,464
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: goldcaphunter]
#22214452 - 09/09/15 09:25 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
goldcaphunter said: So strange haha. Sarcasm aside it actually was strange, she's not a cryer
Just for the record I wasn't being sarcastic. That to me is kind of strange and would send up red flags... I would suspect that I know where this is going, if it were me in your shoes.
Chicks are like open books.. you dont listen to what they say, you "watch" what they say.. they seem to be born with only so many plays, in their playbook. Im sure I will be flagged as an ass for saying that but let it be known Im truthful no matter what..
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Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
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Arctic W. Fox

Registered: 09/23/14
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: Rebelutionsssss]
#22214495 - 09/09/15 09:37 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Rebelutionsssss said: If you fuck up a relationship by bring up how you feel it wasn't worth it to begin with
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goldcaphunter
EMS Medic



Registered: 07/29/12
Posts: 7,432
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: Amanita86]
#22214512 - 09/09/15 09:41 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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No offense will be taken in this thread, everyone is offering their opinions which is what I asked for. I actually just talked to her and she said she was ok but words are just words she's over 100 miles away right now so I can't be sure of anything which is the worst part
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  The picture to the far left is a reminder to our users to stay safe and healthy, that's my third open heart surgery due to over use of amps. Stay safe kiddos
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: sprinkles]
#22214534 - 09/09/15 09:47 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
sprinkles said: the one who cares the least has the power
I'll go ahead and disagree with that. Usually that's a 'tactic' someone who builds emotional walls around themselves, sells to themself in order to maintain the illusion that they are the "one in control". That philosophy holds no water in a 'healthy' relationship. It's whole basis is rooted on division, power, and control. That shit don't fly out here in the real world.
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Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
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Rebelutionsssss
Mdmazing



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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: Amanita86]
#22214542 - 09/09/15 09:48 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Yea I'm going to agree with amanita on that one, that's complete bull
-------------------- : To define is to confine.
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sprinkles
otd president


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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: Amanita86]
#22214566 - 09/09/15 09:55 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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that's a play out of my playbook.
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sprinkles
otd president


Registered: 10/13/12
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: Rebelutionsssss]
#22214569 - 09/09/15 09:56 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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you're underage. plus too a virgin. dont pretend like you know things.
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
Posts: 89,464
Loc: hades
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: sprinkles]
#22214577 - 09/09/15 09:59 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
sprinkles said: that's a play out of my playbook.
I'll just go on record as saying, usually in my experience it's been the one who cares the most that's been the glue that keeps this whole puzzle together.. but like I've said before, we don't give up on family around here..
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Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
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Rebelutionsssss
Mdmazing



Registered: 07/23/14
Posts: 13,137
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: sprinkles]
#22214685 - 09/09/15 10:27 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
sprinkles said: that's a play out of my playbook.
That's why you're single
-------------------- : To define is to confine.
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empty space
the void


Registered: 12/19/12
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: Rebelutionsssss]
#22214744 - 09/09/15 10:42 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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sprinkles
otd president


Registered: 10/13/12
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: Rebelutionsssss] 1
#22214939 - 09/09/15 11:35 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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im not actually.
I see you didnt deny being underage and a virgin.
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r.lutece
gave Columbia her wings.



Registered: 09/06/15
Posts: 745
Loc: ∅
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: Amanita86]
#22215050 - 09/10/15 12:22 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Amanita86 said:
Quote:
sprinkles said: the one who cares the least has the power
I'll go ahead and disagree with that. Usually that's a 'tactic' someone who builds emotional walls around themselves, sells to themself in order to maintain the illusion that they are the "one in control". That philosophy holds no water in a 'healthy' relationship. It's whole basis is rooted on division, power, and control. That shit don't fly out here in the real world.
Keep in mind that the concept of power lying with the less interested party has nothing to do with tactics; it's not like the uninterested individual is making a conscious effort to keep their significant other under their thumb (unless we're discussing manipulative behavior; more on that in a bit). It actually has a lot more to do with the person attempting to continue the relationship. You're very right about it not being an element of a healthy relationship, however. The entire concept of a power imbalance in a relationship refers to the desire of an individual who will do "anything" to keep it going. When their partner doesn't reciprocate, they feel the need to pour more of themselves into making it work, rendering their actions a service to their partner.
Now, like I said, a lot of people don't do this intentionally. With the exceptions of people who specifically use emotionally abusive behaviors such as neglect to keep their partner from leaving, it really often is a case of "person A has lost interest in the relationship, but doesn't want to hurt person B's feelings." Since we're dealing with a somewhat long distance relationship, I would guess that's what's going on here from the information at hand.
Obviously, none of this helps OP. In addition to the above assessment, I agree that the matter of her bringing up a potential separation indicates that the end of the relationship is in sight for her.
-------------------- One goes into an experiment knowing one might fail. But one does not undertake an experiment knowing one HAS failed.
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: r.lutece]
#22215080 - 09/10/15 12:37 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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--------------------
Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
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r.lutece
gave Columbia her wings.



Registered: 09/06/15
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: Amanita86]
#22215118 - 09/10/15 12:54 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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-------------------- One goes into an experiment knowing one might fail. But one does not undertake an experiment knowing one HAS failed.
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goldcaphunter
EMS Medic



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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: r.lutece]
#22232139 - 09/13/15 02:56 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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So she just broke it off with me and I'm hurting, real fucking bad.
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  The picture to the far left is a reminder to our users to stay safe and healthy, that's my third open heart surgery due to over use of amps. Stay safe kiddos
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r.lutece
gave Columbia her wings.



Registered: 09/06/15
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: goldcaphunter]
#22232227 - 09/13/15 03:17 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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I don't want to come across as a fatalist, but the relationship seemed like it was close to its end. Perhaps it's better that it ended now, allowing you to begin your healing period sooner. Consider this: she cared about you enough to not string you along in a relationship she was done with.
Do you want to talk more about it?
-------------------- One goes into an experiment knowing one might fail. But one does not undertake an experiment knowing one HAS failed.
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goldcaphunter
EMS Medic



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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: r.lutece]
#22232591 - 09/13/15 04:39 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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She keeps saying she wants to see where it goes in the future but it just hurts too much
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  The picture to the far left is a reminder to our users to stay safe and healthy, that's my third open heart surgery due to over use of amps. Stay safe kiddos
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r.lutece
gave Columbia her wings.



Registered: 09/06/15
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: goldcaphunter]
#22232847 - 09/13/15 05:34 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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If she wants to see where it goes later, I don't really understand why she didn't want to see where it might go now. Were I in your position, I would consider moving on after you've had time to recover. It's possible she doesn't understand how much she's hurting you by being an on-again, off-again girlfriend. If that's a regular personality trait of hers, you're opening yourself up to more hurt in the future if you were to continue to pursue her.
For now, take a bit of time to yourself. Breathe in and out a few times. Take a shower. Jerk it. Watch a funny movie you like that doesn't remind you of her. Eat your favorite food. Spoil yourself for a bit and let yourself recover emotionally, and then return to the issue. See how you feel then.
-------------------- One goes into an experiment knowing one might fail. But one does not undertake an experiment knowing one HAS failed.
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Shining Cosmos
Space Nomad


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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: r.lutece]
#22238267 - 09/14/15 07:34 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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I'm in a sort of similar situation. I've been planning on moving for about a year now. I ended up finding love about 8 months ago. Ive been telling her about the possibility of me leaving and she's always said that she wants to take it day by day. Me moving is still onths away but now she wants to go with me. I'm in love her but it's a huge decision so I'm worried that I'll be in too deep. The least thing I want her to do is to move 1,000 miles for me and then have her heart broken in the future (possibly). I'm just not 100% on anything..
I think maybe your ex is feeling a lot of pressure. She doesn't want to hurt you. She wants to be with you but maybe she feels like if it goes on like this she'll be in too deep. I do see her trying to get back with you in future though.
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Patlal
You ask too many questions



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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: Shining Cosmos]
#22240905 - 09/15/15 11:20 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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OP. When a you confront a women and suddenly she becomes upset and starts crying, that's total bullshit. She's doing something up there she knows you won't like and you called her on it. So she automatically went on the defensive and blackmailed you with tears.
You're right to worry.
If she wasn't doing something wrong, she would have said "awwww, I miss you too, let's cuddle and stop worrying"
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goldcaphunter
EMS Medic



Registered: 07/29/12
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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: Patlal]
#22242394 - 09/15/15 05:29 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Thanks for the support people, I really do appreciate it. This is the only woman I've loved like this and she just ended because it got difficult. It just hurts so much you know?
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  The picture to the far left is a reminder to our users to stay safe and healthy, that's my third open heart surgery due to over use of amps. Stay safe kiddos
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Shining Cosmos
Space Nomad


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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: goldcaphunter]
#22242519 - 09/15/15 05:56 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Breaking up sucks, man..
Maybe this is just a hiatus for you two, who knows.
Either way, it's a good learning experience because you are learning to get through it. This will be good for you because you will learn how to live without someone you love. The roles may be reversed someday and you'll have to make the difficult decision.
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TaekwonDude
The King


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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: Shining Cosmos]
#22261359 - 09/19/15 06:10 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Il tell you now man, cut your losses and break loose from her. I know it possibly will be the hardest thing ever but youll realize what a good idea it was a few months down the line. IMO the best way to deal with the sad feelings are to start doing some really intense excircise regularly. Its insane what a relief it can give. And also, if she went out with your friend after you, then when they broke up went out with you again, doesnt make her seem so good. Even more important if your friend was ok with that too then maybe its time to get him off the scene also. You need to move on soon, bad things could happen by the sounds of things trust me I know only too well. I may only be 19 but I have too much experience with this kinda shit man. I was in a VERY similar position maybe two years ago and it turned out very very bad. Put it this way, long story short I lost friends, became suicidal/depressed and practically psychotic, used to deal with it in the wrong way then too often self harming, overdosing on prescriptions, ecstasy was often the best escape I could ever get but all made it MUCH worse in the end. Went completely off the rails because of one girl and ALSO my best friend.
I wish someone could of told me then what I am telling you now.
You need to find another girl, not even one to go out with (for now) but just to comfort you. Smoke some Mj when your down (other might disagree But this is just my experience). Get rid of her AND that friend man. You will find someone better and be glad you took the advice. It seems like the start of a bad road with her unless some divine intervention swings your way and makes everything brilliant but i doubt that by the sounds of it.
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TaekwonDude
The King


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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: Rebelutionsssss]
#22261375 - 09/19/15 06:15 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Rebelutionsssss said: If you fuck up a relationship by bring up how you feel it wasn't worth it to begin with
This guy knows what hes talkin bout.
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TaekwonDude
The King


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Re: So I'm having problems with my girl, I need advice at the very least. [Re: TaekwonDude]
#22261383 - 09/19/15 06:17 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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AND try to refrain IF you do, from going getting pissed while all the dramas going on. Certainly dont go down well together
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