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Anonymous #1

Im Sad As Hell And Wish I Was Dead
    #22194779 - 09/05/15 09:53 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

When I was young I had a close friend kill herself while on the phone with me. It makes me wonder where I would be if I was her there is a feeling I get when I think of her but she is rotting in the ground, but is that so bad? It will happen sometime to all of us I try and kill the feeling with drugs and alcohol. I have decided I can't take it anymore I am drunk as hell and have been crying thinking off her sometimes I wish I could forget but at the same time I would rather be dead than forget. Everyone I know goes away in the end but is it right? She saved me one time I almost died I really cant think about this amore I wish I could just forget but if I do I hope I die. Im not going to kill myself but I wish I was dead im a horible fuvking person I let her die and the worst part is I will never see her again I cant stand it ima kill myslef nice and slow so I suffer I just hope to god I pay.


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Anonymous #2

Re: Im Sad As Hell And Wish I Was Dead [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22194872 - 09/05/15 10:21 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I don't think you could've saved her. Don't blame yourself for other people's eventual decisions. I have known a few people who have killed themselves. One friend in middle school, an acquaintance later, and another friend who came back from serving I Iraq. Sometimes I blame myself for my last friend because I could see it in his eyes and felt that he was. I don't know how but I did. And I didn't mention it to anyone because everyone thought things were fine and he seemed appreciative for life and after I saw it I thought maybe I just imaged it. A month after he went home back in another state and attempted 3 times, the third ended it. I wish I had said something to him. And I regret it immensely.

You need to let go of this guilt. You do not deserve to punish yourself for this. I know it's hard but you have to. Then you can work on other things. But it is not your fault.

I'm sorry you're going through this.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Im Sad As Hell And Wish I Was Dead [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #22195030 - 09/05/15 11:01 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Its all good ive been like this for years I normally just try and drug it out of my thoughts run from my problems I guess. I tried ayahuasca LSD and high doses of mushrooms but nothing helps really. My friend got locked up for 45 years my other friend killed herself and the other died of an overdose. I just dont see why im still here my friends are gone dead or in jail and the rest are no longer my friends maybe that's just how life is but still I cant deal with it anymore. Its been my time for years but somehow im still here and it frustrates me I would trade my life to bring them back in some ways im jealous they dont have to deal with anything anymore. I just what it to end the pain the drugs all of it to just end I want to stay innocent I took 30 fucking pills and lived I remember listening to johnny cash that night and got it in the song hurt he says if I could start again a million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way he is talking about being pure being innocent to the world and I cant keep taking it. All the pain all the grief all the sorrow it's just too much the world is cruel and im not strong enough to handle it.

Drugs kill the pain so ill stick to that.


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Invisibleimpatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard
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Registered: 11/26/14
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Re: Im Sad As Hell And Wish I Was Dead [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22195052 - 09/05/15 11:09 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Your friends made bad choices.
You don't have to. Although it does suck when their bad decisions make us sick like that.


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Anonymous #2

Re: Im Sad As Hell And Wish I Was Dead [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22195055 - 09/05/15 11:10 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

You need to lay off the drugs and face it to be stronger. If you're here, I believe there is a reason. In a way I do believe in fate but only in that you're alive and everyone deserves to be happy. Sometimes when I'm depressed I think about how I managed to get through it all to the present moment. I wonder how I'm still breathing. And I carry on and try to live how I wish to live. I want to be happy. Do you want to be happy?

When I'm stressing because life is hard I try to go on a different path. Make changes and eliminate things that are negative or not helping me.

There will always be pain in life. Life will always be cruel as well. You have to try to make a difference if you can. And it starts with making a difference in yourself.


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InvisiblezZZz
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Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
Re: Im Sad As Hell And Wish I Was Dead [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #22195070 - 09/05/15 11:17 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

You wouldn't want ur good friends killing themselves over u and I'm sure ur friends wouldn't want that either and u know it..


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Anonymous #1

Re: Im Sad As Hell And Wish I Was Dead [Re: zZZz]
    #22195091 - 09/05/15 11:22 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I know but frankly I dont care I have prayed to die of natural causes but death won't come. Im done man everyone has a time I just fear for my family they love me and I dont want to disappoint them. Idk im sick of this shit I need a way out I need to be at peace but cant end it I would feel guilty. Idk ill sober up tomorrow and probably forget about this.


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Invisibleimpatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard
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Registered: 11/26/14
Posts: 5,054
Loc: USA
Re: Im Sad As Hell And Wish I Was Dead [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22195104 - 09/05/15 11:25 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Ups and down man.
I bet 5 years from now you will be a completely different person. It would be a shame to hurt yourself in the heat of the moment.
Try to have a good night man.


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InvisiblezZZz
jesus
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
Re: Im Sad As Hell And Wish I Was Dead [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22195115 - 09/05/15 11:28 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

So this is just about u isn't it?..


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Anonymous #1

Re: Im Sad As Hell And Wish I Was Dead [Re: zZZz]
    #22195141 - 09/05/15 11:37 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Ya man this is about me im sad. I use my friends as an excuse but really ive been this way all my life. Idk let me sober up and ill be better.


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InvisiblezZZz
jesus
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
Re: Im Sad As Hell And Wish I Was Dead [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22195172 - 09/05/15 11:45 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

No worries bro, hope u feel better n shit :hippie:


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Anonymous #3

Re: Im Sad As Hell And Wish I Was Dead [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22195296 - 09/06/15 12:19 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Go to sleep man, you're whiskey talking.  Tomorrow's a new day.  Look forward, not behind.  You'll crash the shit out of your car if all you look at is the rear view mirror.  Sobriety and a plan brother, do it.


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OfflineInfiniteToker
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Registered: 06/22/13
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Re: Im Sad As Hell And Wish I Was Dead [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #22197022 - 09/06/15 12:25 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Hope you sobered up and are doing better today. I had a good friend literally die in my arms because he drown while swimming with us. Look up the post I posted if you want.

My point is I struggle with that and from seeing people pass away while in the military and of natural circumstances.. My point is we have to live fulfilling lives, that way we honor their memory, we make their sacrifices worth it (military moreso).


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"I'm chilling in a room with a view, there's always room for improvement; so i grab my coat and go and prove it"-Method Man


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