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Offlinecinderblock
Failed Conformist

Registered: 07/13/14
Posts: 866
Last seen: 1 year, 4 months
So this is what it feels like to be normal?
    #22186475 - 09/04/15 05:35 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I have a LOT of jars of old dehydrated mushrooms that are around a year old. Anyway, I only trip once in a blue moon, because I'm not into the whole fasting ordeal. It's not fun for me. It's exhausting, and I take a lot of notes, as I like to document my philosophical musings.

Anyway, brewed up around 6-7g of mushrooms by just adding boiling water to them.

This was probably less visual than all the other trips I've had. Not very fractal-esque, but just random thoughts and random images. A lot of dissolving sceneries as I shifted from thought to thought.

Gotta say though, after every trip, I get a surge of endorphins and feel-good hormones pumping through me. It's like I laugh at anything and everything. I wonder if this is how normal people feel?

I suspect I'm low on testosterone levels, because I always feel extremely low on energy, and it's exhausting for me to even talk to people. I'm naturally reclusive. When I'm not working, I like to read, write, play videogames...

But everytime after I finish a trip, I feel like the most talkative person in the world. I don't have any real friends, because I'm not that outgoing, so I feel like stopping anybody on the street and telling them about my latest epiphanies.

I know I'm chemically imbalanced. I'm schizoid, and like I said, I'm probably deficient on testosterone (I'd go for injections like Joe Rogan if I had the money), but it's fascinating how different we are just based on the hormones being produced (or not produced) in our brains/bodies. I don't think I'd be writing at all, if this was how I felt ALL THE TIME, which I suspect most people do.

Usually I'm on the outside, exhausted, fatigued for no reason, wondering, "My God, how do those people gather the strength to go out and dance and talk theirs heads off?" I look at outgoing people and I feel tired for them. But if I had hormones like them, I probably wouldn't be tired. I'd probably be "living it up" like them. Not sure if that's a good thing, though lulz.


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OfflineLaughingcowwa
Your mum loves it.
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Registered: 05/02/15
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Re: So this is what it feels like to be normal? [Re: cinderblock]
    #22186653 - 09/04/15 07:28 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Maybe you should see a Dr you can get testosterone implants or simple injections if that's what youre suffering from


--------------------
Those who doubt me, suck cock by choice


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OfflinePeyote Road
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Re: So this is what it feels like to be normal? [Re: cinderblock]
    #22186945 - 09/04/15 08:57 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I am the exact same way bro. I remember in college having no idea how people would have the energy to go out on a friday night after a full week of classes and yet if you look outside, the bars are always packed until 2 am every friday during the school year. For me, talking to people is extremely exhausting, but when I trip, all of a sudden I have the energy to want to do things.


--------------------
The path of the herbalist is to open ourselves to nature in an innocent and pure way. SHe in turn will open her bounty and reward us with many valuable secrets. May the earth bless you. - Michael Tierra


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OfflineEclipse3130
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Re: So this is what it feels like to be normal? [Re: cinderblock]
    #22187335 - 09/04/15 10:36 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Couldn't of said it better, I'm the same way. Yeah mushrooms completely remove any anxiety that I have, I suffer from minor social anxiety, on mushrooms that vanishes and I have the same feeling, I'm so happy to be open and no anxiety I love to talk to anyone for a long time too, normally I would be anxious and not have much to say but that's gone and I have no anxiety and endless words to speak, it feels really good to be able to speak so calmly to all people and feel so freely and open/good about it!

Normally I also feel the same way, that it takes a lot of energy to talk and other people are confused by this, but it really feels like I have to put energy into socializing, and it's draining. When people go out to bars or party's which includes a lot of socializing you could find me passing out before anyone as well. As an introvert I think I am more sensitive to dopamine, weed and alcohol I noticed completely knocks me out cold way harder than other people. I've been a daily smoker for 2 years but still to this day I'll be smoking with a group of extroverts and I'll be getting all tired and lazy within a hour, and basically stop talking cus I have no energy.

People that drink use it to be more social in low doses, it's just gonna make me tired and focus on my "high" or "drunkenness" I think as an introvert I always focus inwards so if I'm intoxicated it's gonna be me focusing on the high and not other people, anyways I end up just getting super tired and want to run off and sleep while others socialize and party.

Put me on some lsd or mushrooms I'll be the life of the event! So much energy and happiness and I actually enjoy socializing on trips in the right dose. There's certain brain regions that don't get enough blood which can cause anxieties, I don't know what it is about psychs that make you so social, as someone with social anxiety just that lifting away is a great feeling in itself.

Catch me while I'm sober I don't speak much at all unless I feel it needs to be said, small talk to me is useless. You don't really learn anything worthwhile and you're spending all this energy and time trying to socialize with these people, in fact i get bored whiles socializing with most ppl, theres not many people that have the same outlooks, my energy is precious I'd rather use it on something more valuable than small talk. I like to think of myself as an observer.

Really we just have a more enjoyable time solo, we're not like 90% of the population. I'd take a guess we're evenly 50/50 mixed intro extroverts in the world but if you're in a place of socializing or even out and around people, it's gonna be 90% extroverts, most the introverts are at home or dramatically reduce their time around ppl!


--------------------
"In The Material World One seeks retirement and grows Old
In The Magical World One seeks Enlightenment and grows Wiser
In The Miraculous World One seeks nothing and grows Lighter
As we all tread the Homeward Path we will explore many Realms
And one day... we will all Realize that all experiences are Simply
Different ways in which The
All-That Is
Perceives Itself"


Edited by Eclipse3130 (09/04/15 11:02 AM)


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Offlinerajabrokes
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Re: So this is what it feels like to be normal? [Re: Eclipse3130]
    #22188535 - 09/04/15 03:06 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Hey OP, you should read this.

Give St johns wort a try.  Seriously.  I kind of know much of what you are feeling and am also schizotypal.  St Johns helps me a great deal.  However, I conversely have always been very social and people are entertained by me if they are not some intimidated alpha-male type.  When I start to lose myself and get weird and quiet, I know something is off chemically. So I take St Johns wort for a while.  It brings me right back into my normally functioning self.  It will probably help you out.  Possibly even dramatically. 

Given that you are on the less talkative side of the spectrum, or less motivated to dance etc, I think it would work great for you even though you would likely need to take more than I do.  I take half the recommended dose and I'm good.

Truth be told, nobody actually knows the mechanism of action when it comes to ssri medications.  No matter what your brainwashed doctor believes.  St Johns is along the same lines as ssri meds.  But it's natural and probably works a bit differently.  I wouldn't call it an ssri.  I would call it a highly effective mood elevator that makes you more functional and even steven.  I mean to the point where it might help you a whole fucking lot.

Not jerking your chain.  The stuff is one of natures finest medicines.  You are better off trying it I bet.  Plus it's not some nutty chemical made in a lab, and when you go off it you simply don't feel like you are on it anymore. Where as some ssri's have caused people to really lose their damn minds.  Ssri's are dangerous.  This stuff works very well, but could never approach what ssri meds can do to fuck up your brain.

I take it most days.  Some days I know I should take it and forget to though, and I end up having a bad day.  Eventually you might go off it because it helped you so much for a short time.  It helps you.  Helps a lot of people.


--------------------
Really though we are not living in a scientific or technological age.  Today human life is dominated by a hateful and greedy form of stasis which stands in the way of a coming technological age.  One where there is hope for the future for example, instead of fear.


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OfflinePeyote Road
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Re: So this is what it feels like to be normal? [Re: rajabrokes]
    #22189527 - 09/04/15 06:50 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:


People that drink use it to be more social in low doses, it's just gonna make me tired and focus on my "high" or "drunkenness" I think as an introvert I always focus inwards so if I'm intoxicated it's gonna be me focusing on the high and not other people, anyways I end up just getting super tired and want to run off and sleep while others socialize and party.





I am the exact same. If I smoke weed with other people, suddenly I don't want to talk at all and I just want to be alone so I can focus on my high and interacting becomes really difficult and awkward. I know that a lot of people experience this with weed, so they drink instead. But if I drink, I also tend to lose interest in other people and just want to enjoy my buzz. It's like, people to me are something which I just find it easier to be without, so as soon as I am feeling good on my own, I feel like why should I bother with socializing? socializing is something I do when I don't want to take drugs.


--------------------
The path of the herbalist is to open ourselves to nature in an innocent and pure way. SHe in turn will open her bounty and reward us with many valuable secrets. May the earth bless you. - Michael Tierra


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Offlinecinderblock
Failed Conformist

Registered: 07/13/14
Posts: 866
Last seen: 1 year, 4 months
Re: So this is what it feels like to be normal? [Re: Eclipse3130]
    #22191033 - 09/05/15 12:07 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Eclipse3130 said:
Couldn't of said it better, I'm the same way. Yeah mushrooms completely remove any anxiety that I have, I suffer from minor social anxiety, on mushrooms that vanishes and I have the same feeling, I'm so happy to be open and no anxiety I love to talk to anyone for a long time too, normally I would be anxious and not have much to say but that's gone and I have no anxiety and endless words to speak, it feels really good to be able to speak so calmly to all people and feel so freely and open/good about it!

Normally I also feel the same way, that it takes a lot of energy to talk and other people are confused by this, but it really feels like I have to put energy into socializing, and it's draining. When people go out to bars or party's which includes a lot of socializing you could find me passing out before anyone as well. As an introvert I think I am more sensitive to dopamine, weed and alcohol I noticed completely knocks me out cold way harder than other people. I've been a daily smoker for 2 years but still to this day I'll be smoking with a group of extroverts and I'll be getting all tired and lazy within a hour, and basically stop talking cus I have no energy.

People that drink use it to be more social in low doses, it's just gonna make me tired and focus on my "high" or "drunkenness" I think as an introvert I always focus inwards so if I'm intoxicated it's gonna be me focusing on the high and not other people, anyways I end up just getting super tired and want to run off and sleep while others socialize and party.

Put me on some lsd or mushrooms I'll be the life of the event! So much energy and happiness and I actually enjoy socializing on trips in the right dose. There's certain brain regions that don't get enough blood which can cause anxieties, I don't know what it is about psychs that make you so social, as someone with social anxiety just that lifting away is a great feeling in itself.

Catch me while I'm sober I don't speak much at all unless I feel it needs to be said, small talk to me is useless. You don't really learn anything worthwhile and you're spending all this energy and time trying to socialize with these people, in fact i get bored whiles socializing with most ppl, theres not many people that have the same outlooks, my energy is precious I'd rather use it on something more valuable than small talk. I like to think of myself as an observer.

Really we just have a more enjoyable time solo, we're not like 90% of the population. I'd take a guess we're evenly 50/50 mixed intro extroverts in the world but if you're in a place of socializing or even out and around people, it's gonna be 90% extroverts, most the introverts are at home or dramatically reduce their time around ppl!




The first couple times I smoked weed, I fell asleep 15 minutes later. It was the greatest sleep aid for me.

These days, I smoke the high-CBD stuff like Harlequinn, Charlottes Web, etc. I got them, because I thought it would help me with my writing, but so far, it's had no effect on my writing. I know Joe Rogan speaks very highly about weed, and he credits it to his creativity. I've never gotten a single creative spark from marijuana. But then again, I'm probably not taking it in high enough doses. And I suspect it's probably the THC/indicas that are the creativity strains.

Agree with you on the small talk business. When I went to college, I actually decided not to join a frat, because of this. Everybody was so unconditionally happy and excited, just drinking, saying, "What's up?" and playing beer pong. I didn't understand. One time, I actually had somewhat of a meaningful conversation with one of the guys there. Next day, he didn't remember it at all. Apparently, he was blacked out at the time we had the conversation.

I also enjoyed drinking at home, by myself, relaxing, before going to bed. I never was able to gain an appreciation for drinking Natural Light in red plastic cups, or tequila sunrise for that matter.

But if I could go back, I would probably join the frat. I feel I was too closeminded and caught up with pragmatics and seeking intellectual meaning in everything, to see it for what it was - a place to have sex with women and get hooked up with LSD. I did not get into drugs until I was 30. As a writer, I regret not making the most of my college years. I spent as much time as possible, as far away from campus life as I could. I couldn't stand academics and the student atmosphere.

And you are totally right about all the introverts staying at home.

And yes, there's nothing like mushrooms for me (haven't tried LSD yet). Once I'm done with the bedridden philosophizing and self-reflection, I'm confident for no apparent reason and just ready to go on stage and do an hour of standup. I bet it's the people with these hormones constantly pumping through their system (without the aid of shrooms) are the types that go on to become public figures and celebs.

EDIT: Agreed with the observer POV. I've always considered myself a ghostwriter for the world. My identity is basically a reflection of everything around me. I don't bother engaging everybody. I really feel like I'm in a videogame simulation. Some characters, like those village folks, just seem to be mumbling the same goddamn thing. They're just garnish lulz


Edited by cinderblock (09/05/15 12:16 AM)


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Offlinecinderblock
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Registered: 07/13/14
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Re: So this is what it feels like to be normal? [Re: Peyote Road]
    #22191095 - 09/05/15 12:30 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Peyote Road said:
Quote:


People that drink use it to be more social in low doses, it's just gonna make me tired and focus on my "high" or "drunkenness" I think as an introvert I always focus inwards so if I'm intoxicated it's gonna be me focusing on the high and not other people, anyways I end up just getting super tired and want to run off and sleep while others socialize and party.





I am the exact same. If I smoke weed with other people, suddenly I don't want to talk at all and I just want to be alone so I can focus on my high and interacting becomes really difficult and awkward. I know that a lot of people experience this with weed, so they drink instead. But if I drink, I also tend to lose interest in other people and just want to enjoy my buzz. It's like, people to me are something which I just find it easier to be without, so as soon as I am feeling good on my own, I feel like why should I bother with socializing? socializing is something I do when I don't want to take drugs.




The number one reason why I don't ever see myself getting married, is because I'm just very irritable in general. I never outwardly show it or lash out at people, or anything, but I'm generally unresponsive, because I feel desensitized and numb. This could appear extremely rude to others.

Especially when I wake up on my day off, I like to wake up, drink some iced green tea and read a book, quietly for at least an hour. My senses get very perturbed when one of my roommates starts talking to me. I just feel like saying, "Dude, could we not do this right now?" but that would be considered offensive and rude lulz.

It would be unfair to do that to my girlfriend or future wife. Just be very anti-social at times, just because.

I used to work at a coffee shop with a co-worker who was extremely optimistic. One time a customer came up to me and he complained, "God, I know it's her personality and all, but she's just too happy." You could tell the customer had just woken up, was cranky, and it was just sensory overload for him at the time. I don't think I said anything. I was too tired to even reply to that. But inwardly I remember thinking, "Thank you!" It was just funny how we could relate.


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Offlinecinderblock
Failed Conformist

Registered: 07/13/14
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Last seen: 1 year, 4 months
Re: So this is what it feels like to be normal? [Re: rajabrokes]
    #22191117 - 09/05/15 12:35 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

rajabrokes said:
Hey OP, you should read this.

Give St johns wort a try.  Seriously.  I kind of know much of what you are feeling and am also schizotypal.  St Johns helps me a great deal.  However, I conversely have always been very social and people are entertained by me if they are not some intimidated alpha-male type.  When I start to lose myself and get weird and quiet, I know something is off chemically. So I take St Johns wort for a while.  It brings me right back into my normally functioning self.  It will probably help you out.  Possibly even dramatically. 

Given that you are on the less talkative side of the spectrum, or less motivated to dance etc, I think it would work great for you even though you would likely need to take more than I do.  I take half the recommended dose and I'm good.

Truth be told, nobody actually knows the mechanism of action when it comes to ssri medications.  No matter what your brainwashed doctor believes.  St Johns is along the same lines as ssri meds.  But it's natural and probably works a bit differently.  I wouldn't call it an ssri.  I would call it a highly effective mood elevator that makes you more functional and even steven.  I mean to the point where it might help you a whole fucking lot.

Not jerking your chain.  The stuff is one of natures finest medicines.  You are better off trying it I bet.  Plus it's not some nutty chemical made in a lab, and when you go off it you simply don't feel like you are on it anymore. Where as some ssri's have caused people to really lose their damn minds.  Ssri's are dangerous.  This stuff works very well, but could never approach what ssri meds can do to fuck up your brain.

I take it most days.  Some days I know I should take it and forget to though, and I end up having a bad day.  Eventually you might go off it because it helped you so much for a short time.  It helps you.  Helps a lot of people.




I'll try looking into it, just based off your experience.

I've tried racetams and had zero success with them. I haven't really tried any mood boosters. I might need it when I pursue standup comedy. Thanks, I really appreciate your sharing this. 

And yes, I am schizoid, but I can carry a conversation. I just don't actively pursue it, but if it happens and there's chemistry, then great. Most times though, I get stuck with someone that's talkative and uninteresting at the same time, and I'm just trying to figure out a way to interject as politely as possible to say I gotta dip.


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OfflineFryersQuest
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Re: So this is what it feels like to be normal? [Re: cinderblock]
    #22191343 - 09/05/15 03:29 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Honestly it is all about diet and exercise. I really can't stress it enough. Cut video games out of your life. It was something incredibly difficult for me to do. I still will occasionally start a civ 5 game....and when I do I have to literally set a day or two aside because once I start I really can't stop. Out of all the unhealthy and unhappy friends I have, the one thing in common that they all have is that they play a lot of video games or just aren't active.

You aren't going to wake up feeling energetic one day. You have to start taking long walks....runs.....pick up a sport....go to the gym....etc. I will hunt mushrooms and walk for 4 or 5 hours....be exhausted, but wake up the next day with more energy than the day before. And when I was going to the gym I had crazy energy I didn't know what to even do with.

90% of working out is just getting off your ass and getting going. Go get some Bronchaid....it has Ephedrine and will give you crazy energy. But it can be addictive and I wouldn't recommend taking it for more than 2 weeks. But I think it might get you started. Don't eat fast food either....that is a HUGE no no.


--------------------

Species Found: Gymnopilus Luteofolius ~ Panaeolus Cinctulus ~ Psilocybe Baeocystis ~ Psilocybe Cyanescens ~ Psilocybe cyanofibrillosa ~ Psilocybe Semilanceata ~ Psilocybe Stuntzii


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Offlinecinderblock
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Re: So this is what it feels like to be normal? [Re: FryersQuest]
    #22191586 - 09/05/15 07:08 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

FryersQuest said:
Honestly it is all about diet and exercise. I really can't stress it enough. Cut video games out of your life. It was something incredibly difficult for me to do. I still will occasionally start a civ 5 game....and when I do I have to literally set a day or two aside because once I start I really can't stop. Out of all the unhealthy and unhappy friends I have, the one thing in common that they all have is that they play a lot of video games or just aren't active.

You aren't going to wake up feeling energetic one day. You have to start taking long walks....runs.....pick up a sport....go to the gym....etc. I will hunt mushrooms and walk for 4 or 5 hours....be exhausted, but wake up the next day with more energy than the day before. And when I was going to the gym I had crazy energy I didn't know what to even do with.

90% of working out is just getting off your ass and getting going. Go get some Bronchaid....it has Ephedrine and will give you crazy energy. But it can be addictive and I wouldn't recommend taking it for more than 2 weeks. But I think it might get you started. Don't eat fast food either....that is a HUGE no no.




I'm not sure how you can assume I'm unhealthy by the sole basis that I partake in videogames.

I don't recall ever disclosing my diet for you to preach about health and fitness.

But it's odd that you brought it up, as I used to be an editor for a fitness website at one point in my life.

And yeah, I used to work out a lot to try to lose myself "in the zone." I played a lot of basketball (3 hours a day during college), lifted a lot of weights, etc. After a while, I realized I can't run away or sweat away my hormonal discrepancies for the rest of my life.

It's not a longterm solution. At some point, your body will break down, you'll get injured, and you won't be able to lift and climb mountains, etc. And then what?

I suppose one can run all day and lead a lifestyle of just working out. I know those people from YouTube - Chris Jones, Christian Guzman, Mike Chang, etc. Good for them. Personally for me, I would find it too one-dimensional and mindnumbing for me to be "about that life." Just cooking healthy food and working out all day, every day, until I'm too old to do it anymore.

I don't find satisfaction and purpose in that, even though I force myself to work out, for health necessity. But I honestly prefer to write, read, pursue intellectual activities. It's just the way my brain is wired. And yes, I enjoy playing videogames to stimulate my senses in ways working out never can, just like I work out to reap benefits that videogames will never yield me.

BTW I don't play that many videogames. I'm so behind on everything, I'm still in the middle of Bioshock Infinite lulz

Point is, everybody's different. You can't say, "Well, this lifestyle works for me, so it should work for your body type and brain chemistry too."


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Invisiblefilthyknees
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Re: So this is what it feels like to be normal? [Re: cinderblock]
    #22192276 - 09/05/15 11:34 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Yeah diet and exercise is all. Drinking milk? Eating eggs, cheese, meat? Stuff loaded will animal hormone?

Testosterone shots sounds like it will solve that problem and you won't have to change so ignore what I said there :wink:

Eating mushrooms does make me feel the most normal that when sober. Like: looking at trees vs doing the Monday-Friday deal.. Diffinitely more I the right direction lol

He's probably gathering that you are inactive from the mentioning of playing video games because. Have you ever seen someone dig a hole while playing video games? Or play basket ball? Cause you're sitting on your couch for hours and having your brain constantly stimulated. I don't really give a fuck if you play, but thinking that it is healthy is like delusional I would say. Okay show me some study that says your reaction time is better than mine cause you play, but I will laugh because it sounds dumb. People gonna believe what they want I guess. Or at least what's convienient.


--------------------
But if you're in a hurry, and really got to go
If you're in a hurry, might have to find out slow
That it's one thing to try and another to fly
You get there quicker just a step at a time
It's one thing to bark, another to bite
The show ain't over till you pack up at night


Edited by filthyknees (09/05/15 11:40 AM)


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OfflineFryersQuest
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Re: So this is what it feels like to be normal? [Re: cinderblock]
    #22194030 - 09/05/15 06:53 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I am not trying to preach. If I sounded preachy then my apologies. I used heroin for 7 years....used the needle for 3 of them....didn't give a fuck about my life. I would get clean for periods of time and fall into video games. I fell into depression before I started using drugs and I too felt like there was an imbalance. I still feel like there may be an imbalance.

But I know what worked for me. Eating better, staying active, staying social, living in the present but also setting goals, finding some semblance of spirituality, and knowing that I am not normal, but that I can live a happy life. I won't use any of the problems that I have been diagnosed with as an excuse anymore. They are there and I really just try and stay optimistic. It has worked for quite some time for me.

At the end of the day, I know what it feels like to no longer even want to live life....to end the pain. It is something so terrible that no words or any combination of them can properly educate someone that hasn't been there. I have been there and I wish you the best. I am taking time out of my day to try and give you advice because I really do care. You sound like a good person and I am sure you deserve better.

My main focus of advice to you is that you should examine your life and make some serious changes. I don't ever want to have to lean on medication but if all else fails, do what you think is best. It is too bad there isn't a foolproof way to fix things but everyone is different. What worked for me very may well not be good for you. Best of luck man.


--------------------

Species Found: Gymnopilus Luteofolius ~ Panaeolus Cinctulus ~ Psilocybe Baeocystis ~ Psilocybe Cyanescens ~ Psilocybe cyanofibrillosa ~ Psilocybe Semilanceata ~ Psilocybe Stuntzii


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Offlinecinderblock
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Re: So this is what it feels like to be normal? [Re: FryersQuest]
    #22195558 - 09/06/15 02:19 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

FryersQuest said:
I am not trying to preach. If I sounded preachy then my apologies. I used heroin for 7 years....used the needle for 3 of them....didn't give a fuck about my life. I would get clean for periods of time and fall into video games. I fell into depression before I started using drugs and I too felt like there was an imbalance. I still feel like there may be an imbalance.

But I know what worked for me. Eating better, staying active, staying social, living in the present but also setting goals, finding some semblance of spirituality, and knowing that I am not normal, but that I can live a happy life. I won't use any of the problems that I have been diagnosed with as an excuse anymore. They are there and I really just try and stay optimistic. It has worked for quite some time for me.

At the end of the day, I know what it feels like to no longer even want to live life....to end the pain. It is something so terrible that no words or any combination of them can properly educate someone that hasn't been there. I have been there and I wish you the best. I am taking time out of my day to try and give you advice because I really do care. You sound like a good person and I am sure you deserve better.

My main focus of advice to you is that you should examine your life and make some serious changes. I don't ever want to have to lean on medication but if all else fails, do what you think is best. It is too bad there isn't a foolproof way to fix things but everyone is different. What worked for me very may well not be good for you. Best of luck man.




That's great that you've made the changes that you have. I sincerely applaud your recovery.

I understand you're trying to help, and I appreciate that.

This actually happens to me very often, which is why I don't tell people about my problems. Everybody is so adamant on "fixing" you and imposing their lifestyle on you, be it vegan, finding God, etc etc.

Just trust me, I've been through all the phases, and I've held countless jobs in various industries in my lifetime. My point is, I've been there, done that.

I know the importance of health. One of my roommates is a physical trainer. And my sister is actually in the middle of getting her nursing degree. She preaches it all the time. Not to mention, I'm a fan of the Olympia, so I also follow bodybuilders like Kai Green, Phil Heath, Jay Cutler, etc. I also enjoy watching CT Fletcher "preach" the gospel of bodybuilding, etc etc.

I'm not sitting on my ass all day, playing videogames in my parents' basement all day, as much as I'd love to, don't get me wrong.

Most times when people come to me and outright tell me how I should change my life, I've already tried it... not only tried it, but lived it... for years, and in fact, I was that same person advocating that lifestyle as well, at any given time. So I know where you're coming from.

As far as working out being the solution to everything, like I said, I already do work out. I would take a picture of my physique if I wasn't lazy to show you that I'm not a fatass. And my diet is pretty solid. Again, I don't wanna get into it, because it just goes on and on... like

Person A: I bet your diet sucks.
Me: I either steam a pound of broccoli or blend a pound of kale everyday with ginger and lime.
Person A: An entire pound?! That's gotta have something to do with your health.
Person B: Yeah, that's too much.

And on and on and on...

I made the original post under the influence of mushrooms. The effect is long gone. I'm back to being listless and desensitized so I deeply apologize if any of this comes off snobby, curt, aloof, etc...

Long story short, I hate that I have to work out, eat healthy, maintain, etc etc even to operate at my current chemical levels. If I didn't work out and eat healthy, I would be far worse. But I have four other roommates (beside the one who works out) who don't work out or eat healthier than I do, and they have energy to go out, party and drink for days. That's my reference group, when I make posts like these lulz


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OfflineFryersQuest
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Re: So this is what it feels like to be normal? [Re: cinderblock]
    #22195693 - 09/06/15 04:04 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I totally understand what you are saying. I am saying this honestly and with no sarcasm, you sound like a very smart individual. I think intelligence or just being a very rational and logical person can actually have very negative effects. Possibly the smartest person I know struggles with depression. He keeps it all bottled up and when he talks about how he actually feels it blows me away. It is like he is too smart for this realm of reality. And it all just seems so pointless to him. So he is lazy and just really doesn't give a shit.

Everything seemed pointless to me for a long time. I don't know if it was an imbalance. I have been prescribed SSRIs and I know that it took the emptiness away. But I don't take anything now....and I just fill that emptiness with love for my family, friends, and nature. Also mushroom hunting gives me CRAZY energy. I have never been so passionate about anything. If you can find something you are passionate about, maybe that will snap you out of it.

I am coming down from a light mushroom trip right now so pardon if I am sounding weird.

I still don't have the energy that I feel like most people I have. I likely have some sort of imbalance. I remember being depressed in 2nd grade....that can't be "normal". But whatever the case, everybody is different. As I said before, what worked for me, might not work for you. I think you just have to stay persistent and keep changing things up. There is so much advice I could try and throw at you. But I would be typing for longer than I already have....and my girlfriend is laying next to me.....being bitchy because of the sound of the keystrokes haha.

What do you think you are missing man? What is it you need? If you could have something, what would you ask for?


--------------------

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Re: So this is what it feels like to be normal? [Re: FryersQuest]
    #22196550 - 09/06/15 10:23 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I've only read the OP, so here is :2cents: for U cinderblock:

Fuck normal, there is no such thing anyways. Seriously, everybody is very different, nobody feels like anybody else and majority of the time, I feel like the never ending party is actually a problem and escapism. Maybe they get exhausted, but just are afraid to express it.

Be who you are. Only ask whether you are content with yourself. If yes, no prob. If no - research your options and you will definitely figure out a solution. :wink: You already can see there are many individuals similiar to you.

On the subject of hormones. I have a strong impression based on my psychotherapy experiences, that anything happening in the body is merely a manifestation of the state of psyché.

:nyan::cheers:


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Offlinecinderblock
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Re: So this is what it feels like to be normal? [Re: FryersQuest]
    #22200099 - 09/06/15 11:43 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

FryersQuest said:
I totally understand what you are saying. I am saying this honestly and with no sarcasm, you sound like a very smart individual. I think intelligence or just being a very rational and logical person can actually have very negative effects. Possibly the smartest person I know struggles with depression. He keeps it all bottled up and when he talks about how he actually feels it blows me away. It is like he is too smart for this realm of reality. And it all just seems so pointless to him. So he is lazy and just really doesn't give a shit.

Everything seemed pointless to me for a long time. I don't know if it was an imbalance. I have been prescribed SSRIs and I know that it took the emptiness away. But I don't take anything now....and I just fill that emptiness with love for my family, friends, and nature. Also mushroom hunting gives me CRAZY energy. I have never been so passionate about anything. If you can find something you are passionate about, maybe that will snap you out of it.

I am coming down from a light mushroom trip right now so pardon if I am sounding weird.

I still don't have the energy that I feel like most people I have. I likely have some sort of imbalance. I remember being depressed in 2nd grade....that can't be "normal". But whatever the case, everybody is different. As I said before, what worked for me, might not work for you. I think you just have to stay persistent and keep changing things up. There is so much advice I could try and throw at you. But I would be typing for longer than I already have....and my girlfriend is laying next to me.....being bitchy because of the sound of the keystrokes haha.

What do you think you are missing man? What is it you need? If you could have something, what would you ask for?




Second the depression in second grade. It wasn't fullblown, but I would feel radically shitty, like my whole world became tinted with like an amber hue. To this day, I don't like amber lighting, and I hate directors who use this lighting (Daredevil on Netflix). Maybe it's the fact that I grew up in Los Angeles, where you can't escape the sun. Sunrise depresses me.

Anyway, at the time, I had no idea why I felt that way. I was too young to even know such a thing as "depression" existed. I don't get that sensation, as frequently as I did. If it happens, it's pretty rare. Maybe once every couple months, and it doesn't last that long.

And yes, I agree with your friend that everything is, indeed pointless. I'm nihilistic. I don't believe in a traditional afterlife (Heaven). I believe we're all just parts of a larger organism, like blood cells pumping through a cosmic being. That's why we shrivel up like ginseng that's being boiled. We're supplying our life energy to the greater organism and therefore wilting. When we die, I believe we'll probably get recycled and manifested in some other form in this universe and continue playing some part.

What I need, is to have a job that doesn't make me want to commit suicide. I've held jobs in numerous industries, and I reach management level extremely quickly in whatever I do. But I always end up quitting, because it's excrutiatingly monotonous to me.

I don't really care about passion, anymore. I've been passionate about many things in my life. And then I wasn't. I'm usually passionate about something in the beginning, when there's a lot to learn, but once I get the hang of it and I feel like I've done everything I could possibly do in the trade, I get bored frighteningly quick. I literally quit jobs overnight.

To those people who stick with the same profession/trade their entire lives, I don't know how they do it. I know people who do pottery, make swords, make sushi, etc etc, and they've been doing it for 30, 40, 50 years. And they claim to still have passion for it, and I wonder if they lack the adaptation gene. Kinda like dogs that can chase balls all their lives and never pause to say, "Okay, this is kinda getting old."

Last year, I realized I wanted to affect people with writing a la Philip K Dick, and I became obsessed with his books, and I went on a tear, just reading one after the other. And then I started to entertain that I was probably a character trapped in a PKD book, because everything that happens to me feels so absurd, and I seem to always be the one going, "Am I the only one who thinks this is crazy?" while everyone around me is just generally apathetic to everything.

I read about PKD's life and found out despite everything, he was nowhere near as popular as he is today, because he was too ahead of his time. He never received the credit when he was alive. And I thought, "Well, look at what he accomplished. He must be happy about that."

And then rationality hit, and I thought, "Well, he's probably not happy about anything. It's not like he's in Heaven, looking down or anything. He's been decomposed and reconstituted into something else. And then I started to entertain that I was the reincarnation of PKD, and then the pointlessness of everything resurfaced. What is the point of having written 40, 50 books when nobody will give me credit and all the money I made posthumously went to my surviving children? Who's gonna believe that I'm Philip K Dick? His kids are older than me. So much for everything I worked for lulz

Anyway, I just need something that I can somewhat tolerate, and something that'll be interesting for a long time. My latest phase, I've decided to write and pursue standup comedy, because it offers the most creative freedom of any other art form I could think of (drawing, music). I figure it'll be a while before I get bored on the basis that I've done just about all there is that can be done. So I finished a scifi novel earlier this year and shopped it around to no avail. I'm planning to go ahead and self-publish it, even though there's a stigma against it.

Currently writing my second novel and working on comedy bits.

So what do I need? Money, so I could do this fulltime without the constant pressure of having to go to work. I can't do the whole clock-in, clock-out deal. The lack of autonomy is excrutiatingly monotonous to me.


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OfflineFryersQuest
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Re: So this is what it feels like to be normal? [Re: cinderblock]
    #22200444 - 09/07/15 02:12 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

"I've done just about all there is that can be done."

You are too smart to be that ignorant. Are you a philanthropic type of person? You already said you are a nihilist...do you care about other human lives?

By the way....you contradicted yourself in reference to Philip K. Dick. Yes he died and didn't earn all of the money and fame, and yet, here we are, talking about him. That has value to some people. However, I have had revelations while tripping that we as people get too focused on fading into obscurity. Why is it so terrible to be small and insignificant? You matter to your family....most likely, whether you know it or not. And even if you didn't, you could forge relationships with new people. I always was so hung up on being a "somebody".

I realize that none of it matters unless you are happy and that you love yourself. How can you use mushrooms and not see the beauty on this planet? Of course there is suffering, terrible suffering. Right now as I write this, people, animals, and all manner of life are dying. This is the cycle we have been thrown into. Even death and pain can be beautiful.

EDIT: And believe me....I know what it feels like to be stuck in monotony. Life itself can feel monotonous. Heroin was MISERABLE. The worst and most nightmarish pain. Yet, it most certainly boring. It was a constant roller coaster of a life.

Contemplation of suicide truly is as low as you can get mentally and I know the pain of it. I really don't know if anybody, no matter what they have done, deserve it. Perhaps I needed it. I feel like I have grown a great deal through it all. But at the end of the day, I know that smart people, like you and I (I like to think I am smart) are too apathetic to move forward. Meanwhile I see complete fucking dumb asses become doctors. Stupid people have it easy my friend...obviously there are variables to that statement but I stand by it.


Edited by FryersQuest (09/07/15 02:19 AM)


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