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Anonymous #1

Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please
    #22183453 - 09/03/15 02:57 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

So I've finally become desperate enough to start asking random people on the internet for advice... Here's the skinny:

Almost a year ago I asked out a girl (woman really, mid 20's) who's INCREDIBLY shy. I'm fairly certain she's never been in a relationship before; she didn't seem to have any idea what to do when I eventually kissed her (or the few times she "kissed" me). She became very distant whenever I would try to engage in pretty much any sort of physical contact, so I've been very slow with her... but she's become more and more distant.

She went thru phases of making plans with me & bailing or standing me up for a while, until eventually telling me that she was uncomfortable kissing ('though still wanting to be more than friends). Then she started literally distancing herself when I would move closer to her, and when I recently asked her how she views our "relationship" she said we're friends & that she's not looking to date anyone.

I really like this woman, but she's done nothing but mess with my head & feelings. She claims she wants to be friends, but I don't understand...why? how? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

We work together so I literally can't stop seeing her... At this point I'm trying to move on (finally), but I can't let her go for some reason. I can't stop thinking about inviting her over, being "smooth", and *convincing* her to let me go down on her... I figure she'll either go along with it & let me both of us get something out of our relationship, or it'll freak her out so much that she'll leave me alone & I won't have to worry about her anymore.

Any thoughts?


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OfflineSagescruffy
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Registered: 10/30/09
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Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22183745 - 09/03/15 04:38 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Maybe she was abused physically and/or emotionally growing up and it's left some scars. Most people who have been abused generally think the abuse is normal. Then throw into the mix likely exposure to christianity or some other religion and you've got yourself quite an interesting person full of paradoxes.


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Love.


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,672
Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: Sagescruffy]
    #22186016 - 09/04/15 12:18 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Sounds like she don't want you. But hey, you wanted advice from the women here so we better wait for that.


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InvisibleAmanita86
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Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22186068 - 09/04/15 12:37 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

You should ask her.  She'll probably know..


--------------------
:mushroom2:Orange clock, pencil:bouncysmoke:
"They threw me off the hay truck about noon...":fishing:
:mushroom2:*Mark 15:34:levitate::mushroom2::blueninja:
Gam zeh ya’avor...:sunny:


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InvisibleCosmic_Flame
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Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: koraks]
    #22186411 - 09/04/15 04:27 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

koraks said:
Sounds like she don't want you. But hey, you wanted advice from the women here so we better wait for that.




^ This....She said she wanted to be friends only and not date anyone, that's pretty straight forward. Respect what she said and move on dude.


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Pull the blinds and change their minds....


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Anonymous #2

Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: Cosmic_Flame]
    #22215203 - 09/10/15 01:31 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Women are sensitive. It could be anything, from the way you kiss (not to say that means you're bad at it, just that everyone has preferences and some females are really picky) to her insecurities manifesting. What it comes down to is that she isn't interested. IMO, you kind of dodged a bullet. If things had gotten serious then ended, work would be a lot more awkward.

If you really can't let her go, try being her friend. Who knows what'll happen, but I'd keep my options open if I were you. Try and meet a girl you don't work with, maybe.


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Invisibler.lutece
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Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #22215246 - 09/10/15 01:56 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I always think it's kinda funny reading about dudes describing women. It's pretty evident that half of the guys on this forum regard them less as people and more of a separate species they've been observing. (Looking at you, #2.)

As for the girl, have you considered the possibility that she might be asexual? It didn't sound like anyone had covered that yet. You said she bailed on your plans often for a little while, and that this followed your (admittedly slow) attempts at being physical with her. It's possible she doesn't desire physical contact, even in the absence of abuse in her past. Some people just don't feel sexual attraction. Your repeated attempts at establishing a physical relationship, kind though you were, may have put her into a defensive mindset every time you hung out. Eventually she started avoiding discomfort by removing herself from those situations.

Something to consider: talk to her about establishing an entirely non-sexual romantic relationship. This isn't exactly a pleasant prospect for you, I understand. However, if she sounds receptive to the idea, there's the potential for escalating the relationship at a time when she's more comfortable with you. I'm just warning you, OP, it could take a long time. Consider how much time you're willing to spend on this relationship. Do you see it as a waste of time if you're not receiving sexual pleasure from it? If so, seeking love elsewhere is probably the best option for you. However, if you care enough about her that you'd be willing to either let her make the first move or to speak candidly with her and perhaps approach sex as a more practical, logical endeavor rather than a random act of passion, this relationship may be worth a second look.


--------------------
One goes into an experiment knowing one might fail.
But one does not undertake an experiment knowing one HAS failed.


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InvisibleAmanita86
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Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: r.lutece]
    #22215356 - 09/10/15 03:00 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I'll go on record as saying yeah, it is 'almost like' they're a different species.  Chicks be a puzzle, yo.  Ive figured out fucking pit vipers from countries I dont even pronounce right.. but it never fails, a new girl is always rounding that bend that doesnt hesitate to throw a wrench in my gears of figuring...

I'll go so far as to say each one is a different species in itself. I'm not even sure they have each other figured out..there's some patterns but..

I guess its just that old saying, dudes work by logic, chicks work off emotion..


--------------------
:mushroom2:Orange clock, pencil:bouncysmoke:
"They threw me off the hay truck about noon...":fishing:
:mushroom2:*Mark 15:34:levitate::mushroom2::blueninja:
Gam zeh ya’avor...:sunny:


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Invisibler.lutece
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Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: Amanita86]
    #22215376 - 09/10/15 03:09 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I was actually just having a discussion with a friend about communication styles between genders. We were talking about the 'rapport vs report' phenomenon. Generally speaking, a feminine style of communication involves establishing rapport, or building and strengthening a relationship on the premise of sharing stories or personal information with one another. Conversely, a more masculine style would be providing report, or conveying information without extraneous detail as a means of establishing a hierarchy in conversation.

By the way, men, don't sell yourselves short: you can be just as puzzling as women at times.
  :dealwithit:


--------------------
One goes into an experiment knowing one might fail.
But one does not undertake an experiment knowing one HAS failed.


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InvisibleAmanita86
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Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: r.lutece]
    #22215387 - 09/10/15 03:16 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

How so?  This will be a good eye opener for me.. whats a situation where 'the dudes' tend to be confusing in?


--------------------
:mushroom2:Orange clock, pencil:bouncysmoke:
"They threw me off the hay truck about noon...":fishing:
:mushroom2:*Mark 15:34:levitate::mushroom2::blueninja:
Gam zeh ya’avor...:sunny:


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Invisibler.lutece
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Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: Amanita86]
    #22215409 - 09/10/15 03:33 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Manly feelings are an entire mystery for us because you tend not to talk about them, with us at least. Let's say something upsets my boyfriend. He'll come home, I can tell he's down about something. My first instinct is to ask him about it directly, as I would with a female friend. (When something goes wrong in our lives, you can bet that'll be the first thing you hear when we walk in the door. Often times, we've been bottling it up all day and just need to let it out. I wanna offer a tip to guys about that later in this post, but currently I digress.) I reconsider my first approach; due to our different styles of communication, I could ask him, "Hey what's up?" and probably get a "Just irritated at something that happened at work." That probably sounds like a perfectly reasonable response, and it is, except we can't really garner anything from that. What happened? Who wronged you? How did it make you feel? Do we need to cut a bitch?

So I need to dig a little more deliberately when I want to find out what's bothering my masculine friends. Ask more specific questions, because typically guys don't elaborate. They don't really commiserate. Their response to a trying day is less "emotional catharsis" and more "active distraction."

Now, my tip for handling your lady friends who come home bent out of shape because of something that happened during their day: just listen to them. What I said earlier about us wanting to bond with you by sharing our feelings and experiences is ESPECIALLY true in these times. Let us tell our story, and really just agree that, yeah, what happened really sucks. We're not looking for anything more, and we especially don't want advice unless we've explicitly asked for it. Sometimes we're not looking to solve a problem right then; we don't want to admit that we could have done more to prevent the issue, either. We just want someone to know that there was one and that we wanted to talk about it with them.


--------------------
One goes into an experiment knowing one might fail.
But one does not undertake an experiment knowing one HAS failed.


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Invisibler.lutece
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Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: r.lutece]
    #22215415 - 09/10/15 03:36 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Oh, I forgot to tell you about the time I accidentally listened in on a true broment! I was very high and one friend was having relationship problems, so his male roommates were all giving him advice on how to handle the situation. I had sort of slugged out in the living room adjacent to the room they were speaking in, and there was a moment where I was about to chime in with advice of my own, but I stuck my head around the corner and realized, "Oh my. This conversation is not for me. I am here only to witness, which is a privilege in its own right. I will not be partaking, and that's kind of cool."

Genuinely a very interesting experience. It's not often I get to hear guy talk.


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Offlinexpsprogamer
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Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: r.lutece]
    #22215448 - 09/10/15 04:04 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

She's playing hard to get. Drop the D on the table and see how things go... im kidding don't do that.


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InvisibleAmanita86
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Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: r.lutece]
    #22215449 - 09/10/15 04:05 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

r.lutece said:
Do we need to cut a bitch?




Hahahaa..

I don't know.. from a guys perspective, I imagine coming across as a buzz kill if I just burst through the door and started complaining..  at that point we're on 'our time'.. I'll get paid to worry about that shit tomorrow.  So there's your insight to the non answer answer of, "nothing, just some dumb shit at work"..

Why would I want to bring that negativity into 'our area'?


--------------------
:mushroom2:Orange clock, pencil:bouncysmoke:
"They threw me off the hay truck about noon...":fishing:
:mushroom2:*Mark 15:34:levitate::mushroom2::blueninja:
Gam zeh ya’avor...:sunny:


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Anonymous #2

Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: r.lutece]
    #22216222 - 09/10/15 10:09 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

r.lutece said:
I always think it's kinda funny reading about dudes describing women. It's pretty evident that half of the guys on this forum regard them less as people and more of a separate species they've been observing. (Looking at you, #2.)




It's funny because I actually have a vagina and am pretty far from masculine, at all. :smile: he asked for a lady's perspective, that's what he was given. As for being a different species, ehh. Kind of. :p males and females undeniably think differently. But you make some good points, nonetheless.


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Anonymous #2

Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #22216239 - 09/10/15 10:16 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

What, I take it like no other females have posted? Psssh, he didn't ask for the perspective of you lovely gentleman. :wink: haha just teasing. All I know is anytime I've done something like that to a guy, I just didn't feel the sexual attraction. That and continuing to try when her body language isn't digging it is just going to make things worse.


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Anonymous #2

Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #22216245 - 09/10/15 10:21 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Shit, backspaced through my history and it made a double post. My bad. :/


Edited by Anonymous (09/10/15 10:23 AM)


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Invisibler.lutece
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Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #22216458 - 09/10/15 11:21 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Amanita86: That makes sense. Keeping shit out of the house so you can enjoy a positive evening at home. We like sharing negative shit too, though, mostly because it's just another thing we can spend time with you doing. So, if you ever feel like sharing... don't hesitate. :wink:

#2: Whelp, THAT'S embarrassing. :S A fine example of what happens when we assume. And it's true, with as many explanations as the people in this thread have offered, sometimes the answer is as simple as, "she's just not that into you."


--------------------
One goes into an experiment knowing one might fail.
But one does not undertake an experiment knowing one HAS failed.


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Anonymous #2

Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: r.lutece]
    #22216491 - 09/10/15 11:28 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Haha, not so embarrassing. :smile: it seems to happen a lot, I think I need to increase my cute emoticon usage. :3 ;p <333 C: lolol. I suppose I did also generalize about girls while not specifically including myself. I'm usually reluctant to admit gender online, haha getting trolled gets old.

I've never really heard much about asexuality. :o thanks for the new topic to research.


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Invisibler.lutece
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Re: Shroomeritas (Ladies), your perspective please [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #22216975 - 09/10/15 01:44 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Girl, I know that feel. :rolleyes:

As for asexuality, it's not terribly common, but if happens with enough incidence that it's a good thing to be aware of. I was an ally in our LGBT coalition during and after college, so we talked a lot about fringe orientations. We thought we were just the cleverest fuckers, too; we would introduce ourselves as "supporters of Gender and Sexual Minorities, or GaSMs." Cue immature snort of laughter.


--------------------
One goes into an experiment knowing one might fail.
But one does not undertake an experiment knowing one HAS failed.


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