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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Your prefernces in choosing a mate
#22172707 - 09/01/15 06:58 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Had the most fascinating reflection in therapy this morning; I see now that I have forever chosen [long-term] partners who intellectually, rather than emotionally, stimulate me because this was the connection that I shared with my mother (who was a great teacher, but not very emotionally available). In fact, I tend to fall for emotionally unavailable women.
It was pretty mindblowing to realise, and I suspect the gravity of that realisation will not come across well in words. It leaves me wondering if I really need the opposite of what I seek...
It got me thinking though; have any of you lovely people been able to fathom a connection in the kind of partners you choose in life? Have you considered what they reflect in you or why you choose them?
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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BlacklightHorizon
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Re: Your prefernces in choosing a mate [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22173289 - 09/01/15 09:53 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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I tried to find people I thought could fix me, or I did until I found I needed to fix myself. It shows that I depend to much on others to fulfill my sense of self worth.
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MarkostheGnostic
Elder



Registered: 12/09/99
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Re: Your prefernces in choosing a mate [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22178145 - 09/02/15 01:05 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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In my zeal to avoid marrying a clone of my mother (which was tied to a revivification of my biological birth on LSD when I was 19, and feared Oedipal dynamics), I ended up marrying my ex-wife, who apparently was a clone for a mean and nasty, non-nurturing aunt who impressed my psyche at a young age. That aunt screeched at me in a restaurant for a faux pax at the table, and always found a way to embarrass me or make me feel unwanted. She was tall and blonde, like my ex-wife, with a broad mouth, not busty. She also turned out to be unfaithful to my uncle, which I believe resulted in his suicide. I was being driven by powerful dynamics from childhood, while I projected qualities onto my ex that simply were not present. The one girl who physically reminded me of my mom became a sex-worker, and was insanely promiscuous when I was dating her. I broke it off but she haunted my dreams on a weekly basis until I reconnected with her 32 years later. My mother conversely, was sexually repressed, but wanted to be noticed, not touched. I think she married my dad for security and he married her for her looks. There relationship was not affectionate beyond a kiss at the front door on return from work. She misdirected her frustrated feelings towards me, her elder son. Gross. In my book, I describe my escape from this "emotional incest" in terms of the archetype of Jonah trying to escape God's command to go to Ninevah, but sailors throw him overboard sensing that he is cursed and the cause of a storm at sea. Jonah undergoes Initiation, rebirth, in the belly of a "great fish."
My Initiation required a miserable 13 year marriage to a mentally ill and alcoholic woman, and a painful divorce to truly awaken me to the unconscious factors that had been determining my choices. I too would fixate on emotionally unavailable women. My current wife of 19 years, like my ex-wife, was assertive towards me. She asked ME out because I wasn't going to get around to it. I had an image in mind and I wasn't looking for a Black woman. But our values were on the same page, she WAS beautiful (I hadn't really appreciated a Black woman since Nichelle Nichols as Lt. Ahura on Star Trek), and she was a Cornell graduate (having been accepted to Princeton and U. of Pennsylvania, all Ivy League, which I couldn't have gotten into). Also, she trips like a trooper, and loves the Grateful Dead, so it was a fait accompli.
-------------------- γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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Cognitive_Shift
CS actual




Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 29,591
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Someone who can tolerate my bullshit and vice versa.
-------------------- L'enfer est plein de bonnes volontés et désirs
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Big Worm
Perf



Registered: 04/20/09
Posts: 7,642
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Quote:
Cognitive_Shift said: Someone who can tolerate my bullshit and vice versa.
Basically this.
And someone who enjoys how weird and boring I can be lol.
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MarkostheGnostic
Elder



Registered: 12/09/99
Posts: 14,279
Loc: South Florida
Last seen: 3 years, 2 days
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Quote:
Cognitive_Shift said: Someone who can tolerate my bullshit and vice versa.
That might make for good neighbors, but a love relationship is not based on mere tolerance, it is based on love of at least 3 types.
http://www.yesmagazine.org/happiness/the-ancient-greeks-6-words-for-love-and-why-knowing-them-can-change-your-life?utm_source=FB&utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=20131227#.Ur7rEfzJtvU.facebook
-------------------- γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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Cognitive_Shift
CS actual




Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 29,591
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Yes magazine, ah the foremost authority on my personal life!
-------------------- L'enfer est plein de bonnes volontés et désirs
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Thanatos10
Stranger



Registered: 01/19/15
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Love is work, it's a constant and evolving phenomenon with no destination.
-------------------- As lightless oblivion devours you, drown in the ever-blooming darkness.
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MarkostheGnostic
Elder



Registered: 12/09/99
Posts: 14,279
Loc: South Florida
Last seen: 3 years, 2 days
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Quote:
Cognitive_Shift said: Yes magazine, ah the foremost authority on my personal life!
No, Yes is just pop culture but the categories on classic forms of love are interesting and useful to illustrate a point. I'll go out on a limb and assume that you were unfamiliar with some of them. The single English word 'love' parallels our word 'snow,' for which the Inuits have 28 different words to differentiate the type of snow.
-------------------- γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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r72rock
Maybe so. Maybe not.




Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 1,327
Loc: Chicago
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Quote:
MarkostheGnostic said: The single English word 'love' parallels our word 'snow,' for which the Inuits have 28 different words to differentiate the type of snow.
That's actually untrue. 
Quote:
In fact, the Eskimo–Aleut languages have about the same number of distinct word roots referring to snow as English does, but the structure of these languages tends to allow more variety as to how those roots can be modified in forming a single word.
It kind of boils down to what the definition of a word is.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eskimo_words_for_snow
But your point still stands, the Greeks had more words for love than we do.
-------------------- Current favorite candy: Peanut Butter Kisses
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Bigfeely123
Stranger
Registered: 01/30/15
Posts: 2,594
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Re: Your prefernces in choosing a mate [Re: r72rock]
#22180022 - 09/02/15 08:17 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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I still don't know my preferences in choosing a significant other. I don't love myself so how could I love some else? I've never had a serious relationship in my lifetime. I haven't even had sex in the past 5 years. In the past 5 years I've only had two encounters with the opposite sex (both times oral & hand sex only) & both times I've had to stop, literally in the middle of it because it just felt so weird & awkward.
I came to this realization on the comedown of my last mushroom trip, about a week ago, & I am ashamed and feel bad because of it... but all my past relationships that I've had with the opposite sex have stemmed from one thing & that was wanting sex. But nowadays I can't even have sex because it feels so weird & awkward to me.
Another thing I've noticed is that the few partners that I think that actually truly liked me (in the past), when they wanted to have sex or do something sexual I felt so nervous & put it off. But when it came to having sex or doing something sexual with someone I had no romantic feelings for, it was a lot easier to perform & not nerve wrecking.
Nowadays I'll go through periods of time where I masturbate very rarely & then I'll spend a period of time masturbating a lot & then back to masturbating very rarely. If I even manage to get myself to cum, directly after I'll think "why did I just do that" & have absolutely zero interest in getting aroused again. My sex drive is low.
I've had actual penetration sex a couple hundred times in my lifetime but only with two different people. I've had sexual encounters (oral sex, hand sex, etc.) with approximately 10 different people. My first sexual encounter ever happened when I was around the age of 4 or 5. My years of highest sexual activity was around the age of 13-15.
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MarkostheGnostic
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Registered: 12/09/99
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Re: Your prefernces in choosing a mate [Re: r72rock]
#22182955 - 09/03/15 12:53 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Well, then I stand corrected, thank you. Still, this notion is taken from your link: "Studies of the Sami languages of Norway, Sweden and Finland, conclude that the languages have anywhere from 180 snow- and ice-related words and as many as 300 different words for types of snow, tracks in snow, and conditions of the use of snow."
-------------------- γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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