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OfflineMarizPeace
Stranger

Registered: 07/14/15
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore
    #22164492 - 08/30/15 11:58 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Hey guys,

it's been awhile since my last post, i have made alot of progress and sorted alot of stuff out. At one point i had this problem about talking to people, small talk.. normal conversations etc just didn't seem to make sense anymore. I feel so happy that it's almost back to normal now!

Yesterday i pushed myself to go to an event with my friends where u can see decorated boats sailing through small water ways, there were alot of people. I already had somewhat of a panic attack/state before even going there, asking alot of bullshit questions like, will it be busy? will there be alot of light? I know by my straight mind when i'm thinking about it.. it's just complete bullshit. like wtf should i be afraid off.. I try to fight my mind so much. but it just doesn't go away. So when we arrived, i could keep my (cool) somewhat for the first hour or so, it just feels like i have to wear a mask at that point, like WTF i am just there with my FRIENDS who i never had problems to trust. The world doesn't resolve around me, still i felt somewhat watched. I also have this problem with maintaining eye contact. in fact i was looking down the whole time, holding my beer, looking through my phone like a paranoid idiot, and smoking my sigaret completely unrelaxed. So yeah i felt like i had to wear a mask so my paranoia wouldn't be seen by my friends. this resulted in my face tensing up really bad, and my whole expression felt forced. The whole time i felt drained, instead of enjoying myself! Even after some more beer, it didn't go away. I just could not be in the moment and enjoy myself. It's all just so weird :frown: like it makes me cry right now thinking back how everything was. Last year i went there aswell. heck even in January we were at the same place, even went inside (one of my frinds has a bar) Everyone liked to talk to me, gave off alot of positive feels etc :laugh: everyone was just having a great time. I feel like a completely different person. When talking to people now, it feels so rushed somewhat. having trouble breathing. some people just walk away, or start sighing as if they feel pressured by my voice.

Can someone please help me, i really don't know what to do anymore

p.s i have some older posts, maybe someone can pull some stuff out of there.. i really don't know it anymore i feel empty inside


Kind regards,

Mariz


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OfflineMykoMyers
RASTASCLEPIUS
Male

Registered: 10/09/14
Posts: 154
Loc: West Coast
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace] * 1
    #22164524 - 08/30/15 12:05 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Do u feel like your legs are somewhat not as much a part of your body during these times as your torso


--------------------
Reishi for trade


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OfflineNear Dylan
Shitpost Artist


Registered: 07/29/15
Posts: 13,929
Last seen: 7 days, 19 hours
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace] * 1
    #22164547 - 08/30/15 12:10 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Sorry to hear about this! Maybe you could try getting really close to somebody you can trust and have them accompany you to social events. I can almost guarantee it'll make you feel a bit more comfortable! Try to stray away from large events that you don't really feel safe or comfortable going to. Keep it very small and relaxed and try to work your way up! In the meantime, find a hobby that you can invest your time in and keep your mind off things. Try meditating and taking vitamins, exercising, eating right, and just being generally healthy. It will make you feel significantly better and your mind will be clean and pure. If you've heard of Kratom, you can try to get a hold of that online. It really is very potent and some strains are amazing at relieving anxiety. If you need anything I'd be more than willing to help!
EDIT: grammar mistakes


--------------------


Edited by Near Dylan (08/30/15 12:12 PM)


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InvisibleDiscoBiscuitsTrip
 User Gallery

Registered: 06/05/10
Posts: 1,422
Loc: FL
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Near Dylan]
    #22165277 - 08/30/15 03:48 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

If you smoke pot I would recommend stopping.


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OfflineRebelutionsssss
Mdmazing
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 07/23/14
Posts: 13,137
Loc: San Francisco
Last seen: 2 years, 2 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: DiscoBiscuitsTrip]
    #22165309 - 08/30/15 03:56 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

i can get like that sometimes too you just have to meditate and actually think why youre giving off that body language


--------------------
:
To define is to confine.


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InvisibleLand_Crab
NeuroticPsychonaut
Male User Gallery

Registered: 08/29/04
Posts: 2,194
Loc: U.S.
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #22165635 - 08/30/15 05:34 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I read back to your post where you mentioned your abusive, narcissistic father.  I can relate to many of the things you have mentioned.  I wish I could offer some brilliant insight, guidance, answers, or help. 
I hope you'll forgive me for simply offering a quote concerning the effects narcissistic parents typically have on their children; please dismiss it if you don't find it helpful. (I underlined a part I think is particularly relevant):

"With young children, the narcissistic parent is experienced as unpredictable and confusing. After all, narcissists are awfully difficult to understand for adults, so just imagine how confusing the capricious narcissist is in the eyes of a young child! Because young kids can’t make accurate sense of the narcissist’s interpersonal tricks and stunts, these children internalize intense shame (‘I keep failing my Mom’) which leads to anger that the child turns on himself (‘I’m so stupid,’ ‘Something’s wrong with me’). The overall quality and strength of the bond between the narcissistic parent and young child is poor and weak. Deep down, the child doesn’t feel consistently loved, as the child is taught the metaphoric Narcissistic Parenting Program: You’re only as good as I say you are, and you’ll be loved only if you’re fully compliant with my wishes. Simply put, it’s truly heartbreaking for the child – though the narcissistic parent is sinfully oblivious."
> The article is here


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Invisiblejbnz
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 05/06/11
Posts: 112
Loc: NZ
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #22165991 - 08/30/15 07:06 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

My 2 cents.
  • Realize and remind yourself that no one really cares what you're doing or how you look. Everyone is so busy worrying about their own issues, looks and internal monologues that they aren't actually focusing on you. 99.9% of people are so wrapped up in their worlds of worries, aspirations, imagination, image etc that they are not actually judging you. 

  • Learn to meditate as others have said. Seriously. There's been numerous studies showing the beneficial effects of mediation on mood, anxiety and cognition. Meditation is essentially applied concentrate. Sit your butt down, close your eyes and concentrate on a single point. This could be a sound, a word, your breath going in / out etc. When you catch your mind wandering (which it will, this is normal), gently bring it back to your object of focus. Do this for 20 minutes every day. Don't be discouraged if you find it hard, keep practicing. Meditation isn't easy, it requires mental effort to concentrate.
    Over time, if you practice meditation regularly / consistently you will find you will become more calm and happy. You can apply meditation when you are in an uncomfortable situation too, for example, if you find yourself caught in a negative thought-loop concentrate on something else in your mind or in the room. E.g. count numbers in your head and concentrate fully on them and nothing else, or look at a point in the room and try and take in every last detail of it you see etc. This can calm the mind and reground you, thereby breaking thought-loops.

  • Learn about cognitive distortions and recognize when you are applying them to yourself. Your thought processes filter the world, nothing is 'inherently stressful', it's only our minds applying the label to it that makes something stressful. If you can re-frame your thinking then you are halfway there.

  • Repeated exposures! Keep pushing yourself gently into uncomfortable situations (don't overdo things first time though). Repeated exposure to a stimulus will eventually lead to a reduction in fear as you begin to realize you can manage.

  • Healthy life habits as above: exercise, get good quality sleep, eat well.
    Express gratitude for what you have and what you can do - i.e. you're not tetraplegic or blind etc. All of these have been shown in studies to improve peoples mood and enhance their enjoyment / fulfillment in life.

Good luck! :thumbup:


Edited by jbnz (08/30/15 07:14 PM)


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OfflineMarizPeace
Stranger

Registered: 07/14/15
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MykoMyers]
    #22187330 - 09/04/15 10:36 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

MykoMyers said:
Do u feel like your legs are somewhat not as much a part of your body during these times as your torso




Hard to say, i didn't really pay much attention to that since i was quiet on edge (fight or flight response) on second thought it might be little yes..


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OfflineMarizPeace
Stranger

Registered: 07/14/15
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Near Dylan]
    #22187355 - 09/04/15 10:42 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Near Dylan said:
Sorry to hear about this! Maybe you could try getting really close to somebody you can trust and have them accompany you to social events. I can almost guarantee it'll make you feel a bit more comfortable! Try to stray away from large events that you don't really feel safe or comfortable going to. Keep it very small and relaxed and try to work your way up! In the meantime, find a hobby that you can invest your time in and keep your mind off things. Try meditating and taking vitamins, exercising, eating right, and just being generally healthy. It will make you feel significantly better and your mind will be clean and pure. If you've heard of Kratom, you can try to get a hold of that online. It really is very potent and some strains are amazing at relieving anxiety. If you need anything I'd be more than willing to help!
EDIT: grammar mistakes




Thanks everyone for replying

Trusting yeah.. I have a hard time with that since i've been abused twice, however i feel quiet comfortable around my current father in law.. to some degree, doing some work together with him, i also picked up playing the guitar since about two months which my father in law is also teaching me. while i play i can almost completely forget about everything that happened and escape these nasty negative thought loops.. I should really pick up excersising aswell. thanks for all the good tips!


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OfflineMarizPeace
Stranger

Registered: 07/14/15
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Land_Crab]
    #22187366 - 09/04/15 10:44 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Land_Crab said:
I read back to your post where you mentioned your abusive, narcissistic father.  I can relate to many of the things you have mentioned.  I wish I could offer some brilliant insight, guidance, answers, or help. 
I hope you'll forgive me for simply offering a quote concerning the effects narcissistic parents typically have on their children; please dismiss it if you don't find it helpful. (I underlined a part I think is particularly relevant):

"With young children, the narcissistic parent is experienced as unpredictable and confusing. After all, narcissists are awfully difficult to understand for adults, so just imagine how confusing the capricious narcissist is in the eyes of a young child! Because young kids can’t make accurate sense of the narcissist’s interpersonal tricks and stunts, these children internalize intense shame (‘I keep failing my Mom’) which leads to anger that the child turns on himself (‘I’m so stupid,’ ‘Something’s wrong with me’). The overall quality and strength of the bond between the narcissistic parent and young child is poor and weak. Deep down, the child doesn’t feel consistently loved, as the child is taught the metaphoric Narcissistic Parenting Program: You’re only as good as I say you are, and you’ll be loved only if you’re fully compliant with my wishes. Simply put, it’s truly heartbreaking for the child – though the narcissistic parent is sinfully oblivious."
> The article is here




The quote hits right home.. sorry to hear this that you had to experience this abuse aswell, it's the worst.. it kills you as a person till there is nothing left.


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OfflineMarizPeace
Stranger

Registered: 07/14/15
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: jbnz]
    #22187409 - 09/04/15 10:54 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

jbnz said:
My 2 cents.
  • Realize and remind yourself that no one really cares what you're doing or how you look. Everyone is so busy worrying about their own issues, looks and internal monologues that they aren't actually focusing on you. 99.9% of people are so wrapped up in their worlds of worries, aspirations, imagination, image etc that they are not actually judging you. 

  • Learn to meditate as others have said. Seriously. There's been numerous studies showing the beneficial effects of mediation on mood, anxiety and cognition. Meditation is essentially applied concentrate. Sit your butt down, close your eyes and concentrate on a single point. This could be a sound, a word, your breath going in / out etc. When you catch your mind wandering (which it will, this is normal), gently bring it back to your object of focus. Do this for 20 minutes every day. Don't be discouraged if you find it hard, keep practicing. Meditation isn't easy, it requires mental effort to concentrate.
    Over time, if you practice meditation regularly / consistently you will find you will become more calm and happy. You can apply meditation when you are in an uncomfortable situation too, for example, if you find yourself caught in a negative thought-loop concentrate on something else in your mind or in the room. E.g. count numbers in your head and concentrate fully on them and nothing else, or look at a point in the room and try and take in every last detail of it you see etc. This can calm the mind and reground you, thereby breaking thought-loops.

  • Learn about cognitive distortions and recognize when you are applying them to yourself. Your thought processes filter the world, nothing is 'inherently stressful', it's only our minds applying the label to it that makes something stressful. If you can re-frame your thinking then you are halfway there.

  • Repeated exposures! Keep pushing yourself gently into uncomfortable situations (don't overdo things first time though). Repeated exposure to a stimulus will eventually lead to a reduction in fear as you begin to realize you can manage.

  • Healthy life habits as above: exercise, get good quality sleep, eat well.
    Express gratitude for what you have and what you can do - i.e. you're not tetraplegic or blind etc. All of these have been shown in studies to improve peoples mood and enhance their enjoyment / fulfillment in life.

Good luck! :thumbup:




What you're saying is really true, when i was meditating i found out that i am actually judging myself before maybe someone even judges me.. I judge myself for the fact that i left my N dad when i think my friends are judging me for this, since they thought of him as a (normal dad) only one or two of my friends have also experienced a rage attack (as i call it) from my dad. still even those two friends having a hard time believing what went down when they weren't around..

I am really grateful for the tips and insight you gave me, sorry for not being able to correctly respond to your post.. My mind is still pretty astray, i have had problems with communicating at one point where i didn't saw the point in small talk or regular talk. it's all so weird since i didn't have had this problem when i was normal..

About the cognitive distortions.. i feel alot of them i do..


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OfflineMarizPeace
Stranger

Registered: 07/14/15
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #22187900 - 09/04/15 12:41 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Hey guys, just feeling like sharing this with you.. i wil try to put it the best way i can, and try to explain what happened.

Yesterday i pushed myself again and went to watch soccer at a friends house, me and my friend who is now also my brother in law, were cycling to my friend, i told him about the judging part which i discovered while i was meditating.

So when we arrived, a good friend of mine was smoking some Joints(lets call him tony) with another friend (carl). I tried to be just me(even when i don't really know who i am anymore..), trying to relax. so i said hey guys, what's up how is it going etc.. While we were talking Carl just finished his joint and went inside again. so as i was talking to Tony, he started talking faster and faster, like in a uncomfortable way.. which led me to being even more self concious and thinking i was doing something that was causing this. so i tried to take a deep breath and relaxing even more.. Didn't really work. What i also feel is that i am really tense especially my facial muscles around my mouth area, i think it's something like grimacing or looks like a resting bitch face.. I dont really know how to put it's just like a forced smile.. so my expression is not depressive, cus i'd rather contribute something good and be happy then be depressive.. and It only happens when i am around alot of people, but still wtf i never had this problem around my friends before :frown: Another thing about the quick talking of my friend, i've noticed that my breath becomes short when i am talking around alot of people, maybe that's the cause?


i have read other posts about this on shroomery.
I also feel since i did shrooms i suck up/pick up moods way more intense then before.. for example, damn this is so hard to explain.. lets see, when someone talks i can hear if they are fake, mad, happy, sad, angry etc.. while they try to hide it for example. so whenever someone is faking either of those, i pick up on this and my mouth goes into like a kind of (i despise you) expression. Even though i dont hate them!! it's just something i can't do anything about and i try SO hard to filter this out so i wont pick it up, but it's still happening :frown:
I feel really terrible about it, so much that i couldn't almost fall asleep last night. Cus when i am home again and i am thinking about it when i am relaxed i am thinking to myself wtf dude, stuff like that :/ it's like i have to wear a mask or some sort which really depletes my energy really fast and feels very unnatural..

Since i decided to move out of my dad's house, (i was even adviced by the doctor to move out and don't move back in.) I've been reading ALOT about Narccism.. So much that i am questioning if i became one :frown: Later some symptoms which i thought were coming up i started to google, which was a great mistake.. at some point i thought i had a psychosis, after feeling even more depressive i googled even more, then i thought i was becoming schizo, bipolar, and what not.. I just don't know anymore.. Tho my doctor said i have a form of PTSD, that's the only thing i know for sure.. Looking back at around January there was nothing wrong with me, i was happy and all :/

Alot of times there is a uneasy heavy (void) feeling around my stomach.. just today as i was cooking for my family in law, everything came out, i somewhat started to cry.. that's when i noticed that this feeling was pure sadness (i recognized this feeling as i had it when i broke up with my girlfriend some years ago) But what i feel is terribly wrong is when i finally thought oh yes everything is coming out, the feeling went away i couldn't really let it out.
Alot of times when i talked to the doctor about what happened something inside me blocks it or something, and i start to tell it as if find it funny, while that isn't the case, wtf!

If someone know what could help me, maybe becoming a little like my old self again, or a new self that i am comfortable with, so i can be comfortable around my friend again..

I really appreciate it, thanks for having me guys..

Kind regards,

MarizPeace


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OfflineMarizPeace
Stranger

Registered: 07/14/15
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #22251183 - 09/17/15 01:10 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

anyone please?


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Offlinebigpeat
Stranger

Registered: 03/12/15
Posts: 110
Last seen: 5 years, 11 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace] * 1
    #22251231 - 09/17/15 01:22 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Like others have mentioned before, I would suggest to try your best at not giving a f*** at what others think of you, and good life habits : quit alcohol, tabaco, drugs in general, eat healthy food and do plenty of exercice for some time !

See a doctor if you need any further help, really, they know how to deal with these problems. And simply talking of your problems to some ppl of confidence may help you.

I hope everything is gonna be allright for you :heart:


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OfflineAchillita
Back to the basics
Male


Registered: 05/26/14
Posts: 4,565
Last seen: 3 years, 10 days
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #22251264 - 09/17/15 01:30 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

One thing you need to do is to stop judging yourself. And stop worrying about what others think of you. I know this is easier said than done, but still.

One thing I'd suggest is not focusing on it. Don't search it up, and don't try and diagnose yourself. I've noticed that a lot of people will get into these patterns of thought that they're depressed and anxious, that they end up causing more of it.

You need to break this same thought pattern.


--------------------


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OfflineMarizPeace
Stranger

Registered: 07/14/15
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: bigpeat]
    #22251321 - 09/17/15 01:45 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Thanks for replying!

I've been starting to exercise alot lately, meditating and eating alot healthier! :smile: through exercise my mood has been lifted a lot! feeling much better in general. meditating has helped me sort out my thoughts, every time i think there is something wrong i start to google it or try and self diagnose myself.. this has lead me to read things i'd rather not have read.. for example things like googling the hell out of narcissism, has caused me to cripple myself in freely expressing myself because i thought 'if i would say this, would it be narcisstic? or if i react like this, would it be rude and be narcisstic? god, just wish i never researched that topic at all.. the same goes for schizophrenia, and some other disorders.. At one point i believed i was possessed (yeah i know, i know.. wrong and weird shit, tho there were some factors what actually led me to believe it.
the main factor why i believed this is is that i can actually influence someone's thoughts. I have experienced this many times. every time i feel myself slipping toward (as i call it, entering someone's mind) yeah i know sounds fuckd up and weird. i immidately try and stop this by thinking about something else, and just let the other person speak. (something similar like when i have negative thoughts i try and whistle or empty my mind. so what i am asking is some reassurance from someone (healthy minded) to tell me this is all bullshit, cus i am scared to talk about this to others in person (because at a point i know it's all b.s.
Another thing i would like to ask if there are any people who have experience with psychic powers of some sort. because i feel i've unlocked some sort of psychic ability through shrooms.


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OfflineMarizPeace
Stranger

Registered: 07/14/15
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Achillita]
    #22251354 - 09/17/15 01:51 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Achillita said:
One thing you need to do is to stop judging yourself. And stop worrying about what others think of you. I know this is easier said than done, but still.

One thing I'd suggest is not focusing on it. Don't search it up, and don't try and diagnose yourself. I've noticed that a lot of people will get into these patterns of thought that they're depressed and anxious, that they end up causing more of it.

You need to break this same thought pattern.




^ this exactly.. too sad but true.
as i started to look up more and more about disorders or posts on this forum that fitted my thoughts what would be wrong with me at that time, i stumbled upon some really (weird stuff)

I'll try to stop judging myself, cus right now i feel less then what you would call normal people.. what i absolutely despise about myself is that i in fact judge other people really bad, even my friends! like wtf, i never did this before. i was fully at peace with them and myself before :confused:
meditating really helped with looking for problems inside, still i can't find out why i do this.


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Offlinehayabuser

Registered: 01/18/15
Posts: 1,073
Last seen: 5 years, 10 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #22251396 - 09/17/15 02:02 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

OK, I think I get where you come from. It´s not all that uncommon at all really, some People just get trapped deeper in that void than others. What made me sure was how you talked about the crying aspect, how you " craved" it. You need sth along the lines of a mind/Body/Soul reunion, which means you have to put an effort in all three of These aspects. I guarantee you this WILL bring you back to your old self.

Someone asked before if you have a feeling for your legs and feet. A very good question, cause this is a key to Feeling grounded/ rooted. So do lots of bodywork with your feet, get a massage ball, walk barefooted, get a foot massage.

Breathing. Breathing is of a massive importance. The center of your energy is your stomach and a healthy breathing pattern will help you get along with stress way better.

Then, hows your left side doing? The left side of the brain/ body is generally considered being the enotional while the right is the rational, so if you have a left side deficy you should work on that by working out with your left Body parts to adjust them to the strenght and agility of your right, then work on both the same way.

Go jogging or do loooooooong walks, or go hiking, there´s so much to be trained with that.

Then comes the mind and soul work. Alot of folks hapilly suggest everyone to meditate daily. This might be helpful in some or even most cases, but deneitely not in all. What clearly stands out in your post is that you´re a strong thinker and it seems like your racing thoughts are getting the best of you. Now meditating could make that all worse imo at this Point. Don´t get me wrong, it´s certainly helpfull, but I´d advise you to reconnect to your body before you dive into that. And stay the fuck away from drugs for some time man.

If you can manage to do so, attend yoga classes, and go to some other classes, like singing or a book Club or whatever, where you´re not necasserly the center of attention and can gradualy start Feeling comfortable around people while sharing an interest with them.
At some Point you could consider a fighting sport as well, this might help you feel more maskulin :wink:

just my 2 cent


--------------------
Everything I post is (science)fiction.:yoda:


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OfflineAchillita
Back to the basics
Male


Registered: 05/26/14
Posts: 4,565
Last seen: 3 years, 10 days
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #22251440 - 09/17/15 02:15 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

MarizPeace said:
Quote:

Achillita said:
One thing you need to do is to stop judging yourself. And stop worrying about what others think of you. I know this is easier said than done, but still.

One thing I'd suggest is not focusing on it. Don't search it up, and don't try and diagnose yourself. I've noticed that a lot of people will get into these patterns of thought that they're depressed and anxious, that they end up causing more of it.

You need to break this same thought pattern.




^ this exactly.. too sad but true.
as i started to look up more and more about disorders or posts on this forum that fitted my thoughts what would be wrong with me at that time, i stumbled upon some really (weird stuff)

I'll try to stop judging myself, cus right now i feel less then what you would call normal people.. what i absolutely despise about myself is that i in fact judge other people really bad, even my friends! like wtf, i never did this before. i was fully at peace with them and myself before :confused:
meditating really helped with looking for problems inside, still i can't find out why i do this.



No one is normal, no one fits in the boxes that we try to put them in in our mind. But nearly everyone judges to some extent.

I'd suggest to stop trying to worry yourself about these conditions. The placebo effect is very real and can case you to think you have these problems.


--------------------


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OfflineTravel
...Space Out...
Male


Registered: 12/16/13
Posts: 317
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #22252392 - 09/17/15 05:52 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

MarizPeace said:
Hey guys,

it's been awhile since my last post, i have made alot of progress and sorted alot of stuff out. At one point i had this problem about talking to people, small talk.. normal conversations etc just didn't seem to make sense anymore. I feel so happy that it's almost back to normal now!

Yesterday i pushed myself to go to an event with my friends where u can see decorated boats sailing through small water ways, there were alot of people. I already had somewhat of a panic attack/state before even going there, asking alot of bullshit questions like, will it be busy? will there be alot of light? I know by my straight mind when i'm thinking about it.. it's just complete bullshit. like wtf should i be afraid off.. I try to fight my mind so much. but it just doesn't go away. So when we arrived, i could keep my (cool) somewhat for the first hour or so, it just feels like i have to wear a mask at that point, like WTF i am just there with my FRIENDS who i never had problems to trust. The world doesn't resolve around me, still i felt somewhat watched. I also have this problem with maintaining eye contact. in fact i was looking down the whole time, holding my beer, looking through my phone like a paranoid idiot, and smoking my sigaret completely unrelaxed. So yeah i felt like i had to wear a mask so my paranoia wouldn't be seen by my friends. this resulted in my face tensing up really bad, and my whole expression felt forced. The whole time i felt drained, instead of enjoying myself! Even after some more beer, it didn't go away. I just could not be in the moment and enjoy myself. It's all just so weird :frown: like it makes me cry right now thinking back how everything was. Last year i went there aswell. heck even in January we were at the same place, even went inside (one of my frinds has a bar) Everyone liked to talk to me, gave off alot of positive feels etc :laugh: everyone was just having a great time. I feel like a completely different person. When talking to people now, it feels so rushed somewhat. having trouble breathing. some people just walk away, or start sighing as if they feel pressured by my voice.

Can someone please help me, i really don't know what to do anymore

p.s i have some older posts, maybe someone can pull some stuff out of there.. i really don't know it anymore i feel empty inside


Kind regards,

Mariz



i gotta say man i've been in the same boat as you for a long while. and it didn't used to be that way. and it sucks. what's different now though versus before is i know myself more. i know my strengths and weaknesses, and i know Everything is easier to deal with the more you do it... weightlifting, running, public speaking, meeting new people... our bodies and minds adapt to these things in time and grow stronger as long as you work them. you just gotta keep at it and dont lose faith 'cause at first you may not notice anything different, but give it time. something helpful i read was "any type of fear or anxiety begins with a thought." control your thoughts and tell yourself you're gonna kill it, whatever it may be. it's helped me out through the years, but i'm nowhere near where i want to be. i've accepted that it takes time though and i'll get where i need to be soon enough. and if in doubt just fake it til you become it :headbang:


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Excerpt from Tikhal-DMT: "As I exhaled I became terribly afraid, my heart very rapid and strong, palms sweating. A terrible sense of dread and doom filled me -- I knew what was happening, I knew I couldn't stop it, but it was so devastating; I was being destroyed -- all that was familiar, all reference points, all identity -- all viciously shattered in a few seconds. I couldn't even mourn the loss -- there was no one left to do the mourning. Up, up, out, out, eyes closed, I am at the speed of light, expanding, expanding, expanding, faster and faster until I have become so large that I no longer exist -- my speed is so great that everything has come to a stop -- here I gaze upon the entire universe."
Cudi is Life.


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OfflineLatch Ness Monster
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Travel]
    #22253773 - 09/17/15 10:30 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Let me first say, MarizPeace, I can tell you're a good person. Despite all your troubles, you havent said a single bad thing about anyone else. Life may be getting you down, but it sounds like you still care about people in your life, and you want to do right by them. For that, I want to commend you. I'd high five you for sure! Lol

Now you think you're a psychic. I personally have to say, no offense, that it's bullshit. That's what you want to hear right? But dude, if you seriously think you have abilities like that, why on earth would you want to rid yourself of them? You want to get rid of them to feel normal, but Jedi don't just put down their force power! Brother, you need to strengthen it. Next time you get the opportunity and  that you feel tuned in, flex those powers and put it to the test. Influence your targets mind, but in a good way. Make them feel happy even if you don't feel that way yourself. Robin Williams said people who are sad make the best comedians because they don't want anyone to feel how they do inside. Well my suggestion is if you can't make yourself happy, make someone else smile.

Just don't stop at using your gift (if you have one, but I'm not a firm believer of that stuff). Do kind acts for people. Everyday do something kind for someone. Hold a door open for someone. Give a stranger a compliment and walk away. Give a homeless guy some change. Pay for the person behind you in line at the convenience store. There are tons of ways to spread love through the world, make sure you do at every opportunity.

Will this cure you? Maybe. I doubt it. But at the end of the day, no matter how shitty you feel about yourself, you can hold your head high and say "Today, I made the world a better place, even just a little." It helps me make sense of the world, because my problems and your problems and her problems are trivial. But love and kindness, that's what matters.

MarizPeace, you're awesome :smile: And if you're ever feeling stressed, think about the one and only, the man the myth the legend. BOB MARLEY.

"Don't worry, about a thing. Cuz every little thing, is gonna be alright."


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Offlinevoodoochild1000
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Achillita]
    #22255167 - 09/18/15 08:59 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Achillita said:
One thing you need to do is to stop judging yourself. And stop worrying about what others think of you. I know this is easier said than done, but still.

One thing I'd suggest is not focusing on it. Don't search it up, and don't try and diagnose yourself. I've noticed that a lot of people will get into these patterns of thought that they're depressed and anxious, that they end up causing more of it.

You need to break this same thought pattern.



:whathesaid:


--------------------
....."So Great!"....-Me on 1.5mg LSD :vibin:

...."We don't need this" -Larkin in response to my "just picked wild LSD!" post:canthelpbutlaugh:


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Offlineslacknsurf420
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #22255432 - 09/18/15 09:56 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I would recommend finding things to do to make yourself preoccupied. Be it painting, sculpting, writing, reading, singing, dancing, gaming, exercise, cooking, whatever man! Just something to satisfy your inner hunger for growth. It needs to be more than just getting high, drinking, smoking, and tweeting Facebook...


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Offlinevoodoochild1000
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: slacknsurf420]
    #22255675 - 09/18/15 10:50 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Hiking:bigyesnod:


--------------------
....."So Great!"....-Me on 1.5mg LSD :vibin:

...."We don't need this" -Larkin in response to my "just picked wild LSD!" post:canthelpbutlaugh:


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OfflineMarizPeace
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #23137233 - 04/20/16 12:17 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

Hello guys, Hope you remember me :smile:

The past few Months were a heavy ride with alot of ups and downs.
A few months the psychiatrist diagnosed me with PTSS, Panic disorder and i guess translated Social anxiety. I've been put on meds called Olanzapine which worries my mother to death because she thinks they are dangerous and given to people with schizophrenia aswell.. The meds themself have helped me alot with getting to rest. Before my core was always shaking (not sure how to say it) like some shocks were going through my body constantly.

The incident with my father a few months back have left some heavy scars on my mental well being as well as emotional, although i've recovered alot from that time. Wish i could say everything is almost back to normal but it quiet isn't.

The biggest struggle i am facing stems from an event that took place when i still lived with my dad. ( a short back ground, and i HOPE someone knows what this is or can help me out)

When the relationship was almost at it's crashing point and me completly depleted of everything trying to please him and met his commands. A friend on an online game suggest after listening to my story that i should try and give my dad a big hug with all my heart, he said. maybe that will help. But oh boy.. I thought oh well lets give it a shot. So at a right point in time. i hugged my dad, and this FEELING that i felt was extremly unpleasand, I felt a shock of electricty going through my spine, it felt cold. really cold. As if everything was sucked out of me. (and i know this sounds schizophenic) but it felt as if something evil or unpleasandness was stuck in my body from that point on and it feels like i am still carrying it.

From that point on something started happening more and more
Whenever i am close to somebody now i start to shake, and shiver my legs tend to get extremely tight, like muscle tightness. and i have this uncontrollable fear that this feeling i am carrying what stayed with me when that hug happened, that this gets carried over the the person that is close to me.

I am not sure how to say it. it's like everyone has a comfort bubble. Mine just feels extremely large, and whenever someone gets close to me, i push them away. Not like literally but in my mind or with a sort of feeling. This has troubled me so much that i isolated myself most of the time.
Does someone have any idea what this is? Maybe social anxiety or am i spiritually damaged? i don't know anymore.

One thing my psychiatrist said when he visited me one week ago, and i finally had the courage to bring up this subject. and when he was sitting next to closely i asked him jittery 'don't you feel anything? don't you feel pushed away of some sort?" he said, no i don't feel anything. When he said this a rock fell from my heart.

But i just can't shake this feeling, even though he said there was nothing. it's not going out of my mind.

Please help

Kind regards,

MarizPeace

P.s Happy 420!:grin:


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Offlinepreds
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #23137311 - 04/20/16 12:47 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

Take the 5g heroic dose plunge

Now I don't really know anything about your condition. But i know a high dose of mushrooms can definitely help peel back the layers in life and help you look at the reasons for some of your problems. However it can only show you these things, it wont fix them. The rest is up to you.


Edited by preds (04/20/16 12:55 PM)


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OfflineJeffedelic
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: preds]
    #23137875 - 04/20/16 04:39 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

If you smoke often, I would stop. It sounds like serious anxiety and PTSD, and in my experience smoking bud every day just makes that worse. Alcohol has helped me in some small amounts, but it can become a crutch and become worse off in the long run.

I have/had anxiety problems that lead to substance abuse, and found that getting away from social situations for a while helped a lot (as well as counseling/being sober of course). Working on myself and working on being able to be comfortable with myself first helped me to enjoy myself more around others. I can't say it'll work for you, but becoming reacquainted with who I was when I wasn't trying to fill some social role helped me tremendously.

I hope you figure this all out!


--------------------

"It's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world." -Lester Burnham


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InvisibleDark_Star
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: preds]
    #23138112 - 04/20/16 06:18 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

:facepalm: absolutely awful advice, and downright irresponsible. The last thing he needs is a psychedelic.


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Offlinepreds
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Dark_Star]
    #23138138 - 04/20/16 06:27 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

Why do you say that?
*I definitely would like to retract the 5g dose but i still definitely believe that psychs can help. But i dont know much lol. I have alot of problems socially, and mentally and i can easily say psychs have helped me more than ANYTHING else.


Edited by preds (04/20/16 06:31 PM)


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InvisibleThayendanegea
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Dark_Star]
    #23138383 - 04/20/16 08:08 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Dark_Star said:
:facepalm: absolutely awful advice, and downright irresponsible. The last thing he needs is a psychedelic.



This....op is already borderline schizo effective...a heavy dose of psychs may plunge him deep into the abyss. His social anxiety needs patient sober and sometimes painful personal attention and plain hard work to counter it.

OP, I have a girlfriend that has a gift...she feels others energy and many times this is negative energy. She calls people like your father energy vampires...they just suck it right out of you.
My advice is to stay the fuck away from that man and maybe try to get into a group with others that have anxiety problems...maybe your dr. could assist you here.

I know it sucks but just keep trying op...with the right help, you can beat this thing.


--------------------
Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better.

Albert Einstein


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Offlinepreds
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Thayendanegea]
    #23138416 - 04/20/16 08:18 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

op tell the doc the energy vampire is draining your energy


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InvisibleThayendanegea
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: preds]
    #23139556 - 04/21/16 08:01 AM (7 years, 9 months ago)

Lol...I know it sounds funny, but haven't you ever been around someone that you didn't like or didn't want to be there in the first place...you came in a great mood, but, by the time you left, you were in a whole other shitty mood. Negative people can spread their negative energy.
I used to think people with these gifts were nonsense too. It took me into my 50's before I finally met someone who undeniably has them. Call them frequencies, vibrations, energy or whatever....but there is indeed more to our world than meets the eye. My guess is that science will confirm this within the next 20 years.:sunny::peace:


--------------------
Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better.

Albert Einstein


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Offlinepreds
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Thayendanegea]
    #23139817 - 04/21/16 09:42 AM (7 years, 9 months ago)

definitely not
maybe im a energy rock and nothing can break my energy


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InvisibletheGODSmademedoit

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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Thayendanegea]
    #23139836 - 04/21/16 09:50 AM (7 years, 9 months ago)

You need to stop giving a fuck bro sounds like your papa got some mental issues and more than likely has triggered the same one deep in your genes.          Your at that age now for the noticing of this stuff i know it sucks dont be around people fuck it fuck groups limit yourself to a few people dont just close your self off completly.                          All those drugs that quack ass doctor is giving you are eugenics program bullshit.    Sounds like you need a counselor more than a psychiatric doctor as these people are not to be trusted there more like your dad than you know.      And are playing of your emotional distress to gain finances.        You do sound like you are experiencing hypersensitivity to emotional fields probably from raw emotional trauma.      most people like to pretend this doesnt exist and try to run there worlds accordingly usally the people that factor theses unseen emotions in dont fit into this society very well.                Like a sixth sense that an animal has in its natural environment you  possess this and are letting it run wild against yourself of course your gona sense things from people its normal.        So get a grip man fuck your dad hes got mental issues and your getting them too its called fighting your demons and we all got them.            Why would anyone care what you do haters hate its what they do they exist for real in all circles all walks and you cant get away from that so you got to do your best to do you and ignore them and keep doing your best.    or just learn to love the hate.  Honestly my life would be perfect if it wasnt for this invisible friction fields that put us all at odds yours too.the hate is there like divisional walls between one and selfawareness in everybody.    in this world at this time its how we bounce off each other. Not to mention you and everyone else are being are manipulated with tv tech gmos to live completely unhappy lives perpetually. People unaware of these truths would definitely be experiencing mental breaks. So there is more going on here than just you going crazy hold on be strong


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OfflineStill_tripping
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Thayendanegea]
    #23139900 - 04/21/16 10:11 AM (7 years, 9 months ago)

I wonder if micro dosing would be of any help?


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InvisibleDark_Star
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: preds]
    #23140921 - 04/21/16 03:35 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

Because he's suffering an acute mental illlness, and taking psychedelics in that state, particularly a high dose, and without being in the presence of clinicians is extremely dangerous. Can exacerbate symptoms dramatically. Psychedelics have benefits, but they're not some magic cure all that a lot of you seem to think.


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Offlinepreds
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Dark_Star]
    #23140927 - 04/21/16 03:36 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

i never said it was the cure


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OfflineJeffedelic
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Dark_Star]
    #23141015 - 04/21/16 04:03 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Dark_Star said:
Because he's suffering an acute mental illlness, and taking psychedelics in that state, particularly a high dose, and without being in the presence of clinicians is extremely dangerous. Can exacerbate symptoms dramatically. Psychedelics have benefits, but they're not some magic cure all that a lot of you seem to think.



I'm glad someone is saying it. Psychedelics are beautiful but they definitely can take a mental toll that people with mental instability can not afford. I have witnessed it personally with a friend, and it was extremely unsettling and sad.

OP, listen to the old heads and stay sober. Find yourself and become comfortable with who you are before trying to force uncomfortable situations upon yourself. That doesn't mean close yourself off from everyone, but keeping things grounded can be a good thing.


--------------------

"It's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world." -Lester Burnham


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Offlinepreds
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Jeffedelic]
    #23141263 - 04/21/16 05:21 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

thats a crazy looking shroom in ur pic


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Offlinehayabuser

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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Still_tripping]
    #23145272 - 04/22/16 06:49 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Still_tripping said:
I wonder if micro dosing would be of any help?





Might be.

Things I can wholeheartly attest to are CBD, Kava Kava and L Theanine. No addictive properties and might very well be substitutes for harder drugs and meds.


--------------------
Everything I post is (science)fiction.:yoda:


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OfflineLRG
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: hayabuser]
    #23145598 - 04/22/16 09:29 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

You definitely don't seem like a confident person from your OP. You probably lack advanced social skills as well. Maintaining eye contact with someone is the most important thing you can do when talking to them. It shows them you're listening and they have your undivided attention. This creates a friendly atmosphere you can both share and enjoy the conversation and company.

I'm with you on the small talk. I've never been a social butterfly or someone to go out and make new friends every night. I have my very close friends and the occasional traveler whom I deem worthy of friendship.

It doesn't take a psychiatrist to see you have severe anxiety issues. When the idea of doing something causes you to act that way, it's not healthy. Human interaction is a cornerstone of living a healthy life. You talk about exercising and playing the guitar as remedies to your problems and they can be great escapes, but that's all they are. You can't go pick up a guitar everytime you start to feel anxious.

The only way you can move on from the past is to accept the present and embrace the future. I have different reasons for distrusting people, and I completely understand your issues with that. But most people are inherently good and want to help in whatever way they can.

Having a therapist does not make you crazy or weak either. It takes a strong person to face their issues and a courageous one to overcome them.

You feel like you will never be normal right? That's because you're never going to face your problem on this path you're on. Somewhere your original path was cut off course and you need to find that moment in time and face it. As difficult as it might be, as painful as it might get it is the only way you will start to heal.

I am not a psychiatrist and I am not a shaman or healer. I am a person just like you who has had a life-altering, path-changing experience in my life. It turned me on my head for years and I nearly took my own life because of it. Fortunately for me I had an angel in my life who took me up and saved me. She got me the help I needed and was always there for me when I needed her. I don't want to equate my past depression and issues with yours because yours is much more clinical and concrete, but you need to find a way to face these issues.

Psychiatrists always play it safe. Mostly because they know they're in it for the long haul and a breakthrough will happen when it needs to. But on the other side of the fence, my side, I believe you need to run before you can walk. In this case, you need to revisit that moment in time that set you off your path. You were abused? Truly sorry to hear that. That's definitely it and the other basket of issues it created.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes ever: “You are a divine being. You matter, you count. You come from realms of unimaginable power and light, and you will return to those realms.” - T. McKennna.


--------------------
"I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay… small acts of kindness and love.” - Gandalf The Grey.

"It is the mark of an educated mind to entertain a thought without accepting it." - Aristotle

"I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagle's wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm HAMMERED DRUNK!" - Cal Naughton Jr. AKA The Magic Man. Abracadabra homes!

"Each tear is a drop of poison released." - Anonymous

"Could it be you're afraid of what your friends might say if they knew you believe in God above? They should realize before they criticize that God is the only way to Love."


Edited by LRG (04/22/16 09:36 PM)


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Offlinehayabuser

Registered: 01/18/15
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Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: slacknsurf420]
    #23146108 - 04/23/16 01:50 AM (7 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

slacknsurf420 said:
I would recommend finding things to do to make yourself preoccupied. Be it painting, sculpting, writing, reading, singing, dancing, gaming, exercise, cooking, whatever man! Just something to satisfy your inner hunger for growth. It needs to be more than just getting high, drinking, smoking, and tweeting Facebook...




!


--------------------
Everything I post is (science)fiction.:yoda:


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