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OfflineMarizPeace
Stranger

Registered: 07/14/15
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore
    #22164492 - 08/30/15 11:58 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Hey guys,

it's been awhile since my last post, i have made alot of progress and sorted alot of stuff out. At one point i had this problem about talking to people, small talk.. normal conversations etc just didn't seem to make sense anymore. I feel so happy that it's almost back to normal now!

Yesterday i pushed myself to go to an event with my friends where u can see decorated boats sailing through small water ways, there were alot of people. I already had somewhat of a panic attack/state before even going there, asking alot of bullshit questions like, will it be busy? will there be alot of light? I know by my straight mind when i'm thinking about it.. it's just complete bullshit. like wtf should i be afraid off.. I try to fight my mind so much. but it just doesn't go away. So when we arrived, i could keep my (cool) somewhat for the first hour or so, it just feels like i have to wear a mask at that point, like WTF i am just there with my FRIENDS who i never had problems to trust. The world doesn't resolve around me, still i felt somewhat watched. I also have this problem with maintaining eye contact. in fact i was looking down the whole time, holding my beer, looking through my phone like a paranoid idiot, and smoking my sigaret completely unrelaxed. So yeah i felt like i had to wear a mask so my paranoia wouldn't be seen by my friends. this resulted in my face tensing up really bad, and my whole expression felt forced. The whole time i felt drained, instead of enjoying myself! Even after some more beer, it didn't go away. I just could not be in the moment and enjoy myself. It's all just so weird :frown: like it makes me cry right now thinking back how everything was. Last year i went there aswell. heck even in January we were at the same place, even went inside (one of my frinds has a bar) Everyone liked to talk to me, gave off alot of positive feels etc :laugh: everyone was just having a great time. I feel like a completely different person. When talking to people now, it feels so rushed somewhat. having trouble breathing. some people just walk away, or start sighing as if they feel pressured by my voice.

Can someone please help me, i really don't know what to do anymore

p.s i have some older posts, maybe someone can pull some stuff out of there.. i really don't know it anymore i feel empty inside


Kind regards,

Mariz


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OfflineMykoMyers
RASTASCLEPIUS
Male

Registered: 10/09/14
Posts: 154
Loc: West Coast
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace] * 1
    #22164524 - 08/30/15 12:05 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Do u feel like your legs are somewhat not as much a part of your body during these times as your torso


--------------------
Reishi for trade


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OfflineNear Dylan
Shitpost Artist


Registered: 07/29/15
Posts: 13,929
Last seen: 7 days, 18 hours
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace] * 1
    #22164547 - 08/30/15 12:10 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Sorry to hear about this! Maybe you could try getting really close to somebody you can trust and have them accompany you to social events. I can almost guarantee it'll make you feel a bit more comfortable! Try to stray away from large events that you don't really feel safe or comfortable going to. Keep it very small and relaxed and try to work your way up! In the meantime, find a hobby that you can invest your time in and keep your mind off things. Try meditating and taking vitamins, exercising, eating right, and just being generally healthy. It will make you feel significantly better and your mind will be clean and pure. If you've heard of Kratom, you can try to get a hold of that online. It really is very potent and some strains are amazing at relieving anxiety. If you need anything I'd be more than willing to help!
EDIT: grammar mistakes


--------------------


Edited by Near Dylan (08/30/15 12:12 PM)


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InvisibleDiscoBiscuitsTrip
 User Gallery

Registered: 06/05/10
Posts: 1,422
Loc: FL
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Near Dylan]
    #22165277 - 08/30/15 03:48 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

If you smoke pot I would recommend stopping.


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OfflineRebelutionsssss
Mdmazing
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 07/23/14
Posts: 13,137
Loc: San Francisco
Last seen: 2 years, 2 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: DiscoBiscuitsTrip]
    #22165309 - 08/30/15 03:56 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

i can get like that sometimes too you just have to meditate and actually think why youre giving off that body language


--------------------
:
To define is to confine.


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InvisibleLand_Crab
NeuroticPsychonaut
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Registered: 08/29/04
Posts: 2,194
Loc: U.S.
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #22165635 - 08/30/15 05:34 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I read back to your post where you mentioned your abusive, narcissistic father.  I can relate to many of the things you have mentioned.  I wish I could offer some brilliant insight, guidance, answers, or help. 
I hope you'll forgive me for simply offering a quote concerning the effects narcissistic parents typically have on their children; please dismiss it if you don't find it helpful. (I underlined a part I think is particularly relevant):

"With young children, the narcissistic parent is experienced as unpredictable and confusing. After all, narcissists are awfully difficult to understand for adults, so just imagine how confusing the capricious narcissist is in the eyes of a young child! Because young kids can’t make accurate sense of the narcissist’s interpersonal tricks and stunts, these children internalize intense shame (‘I keep failing my Mom’) which leads to anger that the child turns on himself (‘I’m so stupid,’ ‘Something’s wrong with me’). The overall quality and strength of the bond between the narcissistic parent and young child is poor and weak. Deep down, the child doesn’t feel consistently loved, as the child is taught the metaphoric Narcissistic Parenting Program: You’re only as good as I say you are, and you’ll be loved only if you’re fully compliant with my wishes. Simply put, it’s truly heartbreaking for the child – though the narcissistic parent is sinfully oblivious."
> The article is here


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Invisiblejbnz
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 05/06/11
Posts: 112
Loc: NZ
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #22165991 - 08/30/15 07:06 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

My 2 cents.
  • Realize and remind yourself that no one really cares what you're doing or how you look. Everyone is so busy worrying about their own issues, looks and internal monologues that they aren't actually focusing on you. 99.9% of people are so wrapped up in their worlds of worries, aspirations, imagination, image etc that they are not actually judging you. 

  • Learn to meditate as others have said. Seriously. There's been numerous studies showing the beneficial effects of mediation on mood, anxiety and cognition. Meditation is essentially applied concentrate. Sit your butt down, close your eyes and concentrate on a single point. This could be a sound, a word, your breath going in / out etc. When you catch your mind wandering (which it will, this is normal), gently bring it back to your object of focus. Do this for 20 minutes every day. Don't be discouraged if you find it hard, keep practicing. Meditation isn't easy, it requires mental effort to concentrate.
    Over time, if you practice meditation regularly / consistently you will find you will become more calm and happy. You can apply meditation when you are in an uncomfortable situation too, for example, if you find yourself caught in a negative thought-loop concentrate on something else in your mind or in the room. E.g. count numbers in your head and concentrate fully on them and nothing else, or look at a point in the room and try and take in every last detail of it you see etc. This can calm the mind and reground you, thereby breaking thought-loops.

  • Learn about cognitive distortions and recognize when you are applying them to yourself. Your thought processes filter the world, nothing is 'inherently stressful', it's only our minds applying the label to it that makes something stressful. If you can re-frame your thinking then you are halfway there.

  • Repeated exposures! Keep pushing yourself gently into uncomfortable situations (don't overdo things first time though). Repeated exposure to a stimulus will eventually lead to a reduction in fear as you begin to realize you can manage.

  • Healthy life habits as above: exercise, get good quality sleep, eat well.
    Express gratitude for what you have and what you can do - i.e. you're not tetraplegic or blind etc. All of these have been shown in studies to improve peoples mood and enhance their enjoyment / fulfillment in life.

Good luck! :thumbup:


Edited by jbnz (08/30/15 07:14 PM)


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OfflineMarizPeace
Stranger

Registered: 07/14/15
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MykoMyers]
    #22187330 - 09/04/15 10:36 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

MykoMyers said:
Do u feel like your legs are somewhat not as much a part of your body during these times as your torso




Hard to say, i didn't really pay much attention to that since i was quiet on edge (fight or flight response) on second thought it might be little yes..


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OfflineMarizPeace
Stranger

Registered: 07/14/15
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Near Dylan]
    #22187355 - 09/04/15 10:42 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Near Dylan said:
Sorry to hear about this! Maybe you could try getting really close to somebody you can trust and have them accompany you to social events. I can almost guarantee it'll make you feel a bit more comfortable! Try to stray away from large events that you don't really feel safe or comfortable going to. Keep it very small and relaxed and try to work your way up! In the meantime, find a hobby that you can invest your time in and keep your mind off things. Try meditating and taking vitamins, exercising, eating right, and just being generally healthy. It will make you feel significantly better and your mind will be clean and pure. If you've heard of Kratom, you can try to get a hold of that online. It really is very potent and some strains are amazing at relieving anxiety. If you need anything I'd be more than willing to help!
EDIT: grammar mistakes




Thanks everyone for replying

Trusting yeah.. I have a hard time with that since i've been abused twice, however i feel quiet comfortable around my current father in law.. to some degree, doing some work together with him, i also picked up playing the guitar since about two months which my father in law is also teaching me. while i play i can almost completely forget about everything that happened and escape these nasty negative thought loops.. I should really pick up excersising aswell. thanks for all the good tips!


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OfflineMarizPeace
Stranger

Registered: 07/14/15
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Land_Crab]
    #22187366 - 09/04/15 10:44 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Land_Crab said:
I read back to your post where you mentioned your abusive, narcissistic father.  I can relate to many of the things you have mentioned.  I wish I could offer some brilliant insight, guidance, answers, or help. 
I hope you'll forgive me for simply offering a quote concerning the effects narcissistic parents typically have on their children; please dismiss it if you don't find it helpful. (I underlined a part I think is particularly relevant):

"With young children, the narcissistic parent is experienced as unpredictable and confusing. After all, narcissists are awfully difficult to understand for adults, so just imagine how confusing the capricious narcissist is in the eyes of a young child! Because young kids can’t make accurate sense of the narcissist’s interpersonal tricks and stunts, these children internalize intense shame (‘I keep failing my Mom’) which leads to anger that the child turns on himself (‘I’m so stupid,’ ‘Something’s wrong with me’). The overall quality and strength of the bond between the narcissistic parent and young child is poor and weak. Deep down, the child doesn’t feel consistently loved, as the child is taught the metaphoric Narcissistic Parenting Program: You’re only as good as I say you are, and you’ll be loved only if you’re fully compliant with my wishes. Simply put, it’s truly heartbreaking for the child – though the narcissistic parent is sinfully oblivious."
> The article is here




The quote hits right home.. sorry to hear this that you had to experience this abuse aswell, it's the worst.. it kills you as a person till there is nothing left.


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OfflineMarizPeace
Stranger

Registered: 07/14/15
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: jbnz]
    #22187409 - 09/04/15 10:54 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

jbnz said:
My 2 cents.
  • Realize and remind yourself that no one really cares what you're doing or how you look. Everyone is so busy worrying about their own issues, looks and internal monologues that they aren't actually focusing on you. 99.9% of people are so wrapped up in their worlds of worries, aspirations, imagination, image etc that they are not actually judging you. 

  • Learn to meditate as others have said. Seriously. There's been numerous studies showing the beneficial effects of mediation on mood, anxiety and cognition. Meditation is essentially applied concentrate. Sit your butt down, close your eyes and concentrate on a single point. This could be a sound, a word, your breath going in / out etc. When you catch your mind wandering (which it will, this is normal), gently bring it back to your object of focus. Do this for 20 minutes every day. Don't be discouraged if you find it hard, keep practicing. Meditation isn't easy, it requires mental effort to concentrate.
    Over time, if you practice meditation regularly / consistently you will find you will become more calm and happy. You can apply meditation when you are in an uncomfortable situation too, for example, if you find yourself caught in a negative thought-loop concentrate on something else in your mind or in the room. E.g. count numbers in your head and concentrate fully on them and nothing else, or look at a point in the room and try and take in every last detail of it you see etc. This can calm the mind and reground you, thereby breaking thought-loops.

  • Learn about cognitive distortions and recognize when you are applying them to yourself. Your thought processes filter the world, nothing is 'inherently stressful', it's only our minds applying the label to it that makes something stressful. If you can re-frame your thinking then you are halfway there.

  • Repeated exposures! Keep pushing yourself gently into uncomfortable situations (don't overdo things first time though). Repeated exposure to a stimulus will eventually lead to a reduction in fear as you begin to realize you can manage.

  • Healthy life habits as above: exercise, get good quality sleep, eat well.
    Express gratitude for what you have and what you can do - i.e. you're not tetraplegic or blind etc. All of these have been shown in studies to improve peoples mood and enhance their enjoyment / fulfillment in life.

Good luck! :thumbup:




What you're saying is really true, when i was meditating i found out that i am actually judging myself before maybe someone even judges me.. I judge myself for the fact that i left my N dad when i think my friends are judging me for this, since they thought of him as a (normal dad) only one or two of my friends have also experienced a rage attack (as i call it) from my dad. still even those two friends having a hard time believing what went down when they weren't around..

I am really grateful for the tips and insight you gave me, sorry for not being able to correctly respond to your post.. My mind is still pretty astray, i have had problems with communicating at one point where i didn't saw the point in small talk or regular talk. it's all so weird since i didn't have had this problem when i was normal..

About the cognitive distortions.. i feel alot of them i do..


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OfflineMarizPeace
Stranger

Registered: 07/14/15
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #22187900 - 09/04/15 12:41 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Hey guys, just feeling like sharing this with you.. i wil try to put it the best way i can, and try to explain what happened.

Yesterday i pushed myself again and went to watch soccer at a friends house, me and my friend who is now also my brother in law, were cycling to my friend, i told him about the judging part which i discovered while i was meditating.

So when we arrived, a good friend of mine was smoking some Joints(lets call him tony) with another friend (carl). I tried to be just me(even when i don't really know who i am anymore..), trying to relax. so i said hey guys, what's up how is it going etc.. While we were talking Carl just finished his joint and went inside again. so as i was talking to Tony, he started talking faster and faster, like in a uncomfortable way.. which led me to being even more self concious and thinking i was doing something that was causing this. so i tried to take a deep breath and relaxing even more.. Didn't really work. What i also feel is that i am really tense especially my facial muscles around my mouth area, i think it's something like grimacing or looks like a resting bitch face.. I dont really know how to put it's just like a forced smile.. so my expression is not depressive, cus i'd rather contribute something good and be happy then be depressive.. and It only happens when i am around alot of people, but still wtf i never had this problem around my friends before :frown: Another thing about the quick talking of my friend, i've noticed that my breath becomes short when i am talking around alot of people, maybe that's the cause?


i have read other posts about this on shroomery.
I also feel since i did shrooms i suck up/pick up moods way more intense then before.. for example, damn this is so hard to explain.. lets see, when someone talks i can hear if they are fake, mad, happy, sad, angry etc.. while they try to hide it for example. so whenever someone is faking either of those, i pick up on this and my mouth goes into like a kind of (i despise you) expression. Even though i dont hate them!! it's just something i can't do anything about and i try SO hard to filter this out so i wont pick it up, but it's still happening :frown:
I feel really terrible about it, so much that i couldn't almost fall asleep last night. Cus when i am home again and i am thinking about it when i am relaxed i am thinking to myself wtf dude, stuff like that :/ it's like i have to wear a mask or some sort which really depletes my energy really fast and feels very unnatural..

Since i decided to move out of my dad's house, (i was even adviced by the doctor to move out and don't move back in.) I've been reading ALOT about Narccism.. So much that i am questioning if i became one :frown: Later some symptoms which i thought were coming up i started to google, which was a great mistake.. at some point i thought i had a psychosis, after feeling even more depressive i googled even more, then i thought i was becoming schizo, bipolar, and what not.. I just don't know anymore.. Tho my doctor said i have a form of PTSD, that's the only thing i know for sure.. Looking back at around January there was nothing wrong with me, i was happy and all :/

Alot of times there is a uneasy heavy (void) feeling around my stomach.. just today as i was cooking for my family in law, everything came out, i somewhat started to cry.. that's when i noticed that this feeling was pure sadness (i recognized this feeling as i had it when i broke up with my girlfriend some years ago) But what i feel is terribly wrong is when i finally thought oh yes everything is coming out, the feeling went away i couldn't really let it out.
Alot of times when i talked to the doctor about what happened something inside me blocks it or something, and i start to tell it as if find it funny, while that isn't the case, wtf!

If someone know what could help me, maybe becoming a little like my old self again, or a new self that i am comfortable with, so i can be comfortable around my friend again..

I really appreciate it, thanks for having me guys..

Kind regards,

MarizPeace


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OfflineMarizPeace
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Registered: 07/14/15
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #22251183 - 09/17/15 01:10 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

anyone please?


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Offlinebigpeat
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Registered: 03/12/15
Posts: 110
Last seen: 5 years, 11 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace] * 1
    #22251231 - 09/17/15 01:22 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Like others have mentioned before, I would suggest to try your best at not giving a f*** at what others think of you, and good life habits : quit alcohol, tabaco, drugs in general, eat healthy food and do plenty of exercice for some time !

See a doctor if you need any further help, really, they know how to deal with these problems. And simply talking of your problems to some ppl of confidence may help you.

I hope everything is gonna be allright for you :heart:


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OfflineAchillita
Back to the basics
Male


Registered: 05/26/14
Posts: 4,565
Last seen: 3 years, 10 days
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #22251264 - 09/17/15 01:30 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

One thing you need to do is to stop judging yourself. And stop worrying about what others think of you. I know this is easier said than done, but still.

One thing I'd suggest is not focusing on it. Don't search it up, and don't try and diagnose yourself. I've noticed that a lot of people will get into these patterns of thought that they're depressed and anxious, that they end up causing more of it.

You need to break this same thought pattern.


--------------------


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OfflineMarizPeace
Stranger

Registered: 07/14/15
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: bigpeat]
    #22251321 - 09/17/15 01:45 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Thanks for replying!

I've been starting to exercise alot lately, meditating and eating alot healthier! :smile: through exercise my mood has been lifted a lot! feeling much better in general. meditating has helped me sort out my thoughts, every time i think there is something wrong i start to google it or try and self diagnose myself.. this has lead me to read things i'd rather not have read.. for example things like googling the hell out of narcissism, has caused me to cripple myself in freely expressing myself because i thought 'if i would say this, would it be narcisstic? or if i react like this, would it be rude and be narcisstic? god, just wish i never researched that topic at all.. the same goes for schizophrenia, and some other disorders.. At one point i believed i was possessed (yeah i know, i know.. wrong and weird shit, tho there were some factors what actually led me to believe it.
the main factor why i believed this is is that i can actually influence someone's thoughts. I have experienced this many times. every time i feel myself slipping toward (as i call it, entering someone's mind) yeah i know sounds fuckd up and weird. i immidately try and stop this by thinking about something else, and just let the other person speak. (something similar like when i have negative thoughts i try and whistle or empty my mind. so what i am asking is some reassurance from someone (healthy minded) to tell me this is all bullshit, cus i am scared to talk about this to others in person (because at a point i know it's all b.s.
Another thing i would like to ask if there are any people who have experience with psychic powers of some sort. because i feel i've unlocked some sort of psychic ability through shrooms.


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OfflineMarizPeace
Stranger

Registered: 07/14/15
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: Achillita]
    #22251354 - 09/17/15 01:51 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Achillita said:
One thing you need to do is to stop judging yourself. And stop worrying about what others think of you. I know this is easier said than done, but still.

One thing I'd suggest is not focusing on it. Don't search it up, and don't try and diagnose yourself. I've noticed that a lot of people will get into these patterns of thought that they're depressed and anxious, that they end up causing more of it.

You need to break this same thought pattern.




^ this exactly.. too sad but true.
as i started to look up more and more about disorders or posts on this forum that fitted my thoughts what would be wrong with me at that time, i stumbled upon some really (weird stuff)

I'll try to stop judging myself, cus right now i feel less then what you would call normal people.. what i absolutely despise about myself is that i in fact judge other people really bad, even my friends! like wtf, i never did this before. i was fully at peace with them and myself before :confused:
meditating really helped with looking for problems inside, still i can't find out why i do this.


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Offlinehayabuser

Registered: 01/18/15
Posts: 1,073
Last seen: 5 years, 10 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #22251396 - 09/17/15 02:02 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

OK, I think I get where you come from. It´s not all that uncommon at all really, some People just get trapped deeper in that void than others. What made me sure was how you talked about the crying aspect, how you " craved" it. You need sth along the lines of a mind/Body/Soul reunion, which means you have to put an effort in all three of These aspects. I guarantee you this WILL bring you back to your old self.

Someone asked before if you have a feeling for your legs and feet. A very good question, cause this is a key to Feeling grounded/ rooted. So do lots of bodywork with your feet, get a massage ball, walk barefooted, get a foot massage.

Breathing. Breathing is of a massive importance. The center of your energy is your stomach and a healthy breathing pattern will help you get along with stress way better.

Then, hows your left side doing? The left side of the brain/ body is generally considered being the enotional while the right is the rational, so if you have a left side deficy you should work on that by working out with your left Body parts to adjust them to the strenght and agility of your right, then work on both the same way.

Go jogging or do loooooooong walks, or go hiking, there´s so much to be trained with that.

Then comes the mind and soul work. Alot of folks hapilly suggest everyone to meditate daily. This might be helpful in some or even most cases, but deneitely not in all. What clearly stands out in your post is that you´re a strong thinker and it seems like your racing thoughts are getting the best of you. Now meditating could make that all worse imo at this Point. Don´t get me wrong, it´s certainly helpfull, but I´d advise you to reconnect to your body before you dive into that. And stay the fuck away from drugs for some time man.

If you can manage to do so, attend yoga classes, and go to some other classes, like singing or a book Club or whatever, where you´re not necasserly the center of attention and can gradualy start Feeling comfortable around people while sharing an interest with them.
At some Point you could consider a fighting sport as well, this might help you feel more maskulin :wink:

just my 2 cent


--------------------
Everything I post is (science)fiction.:yoda:


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OfflineAchillita
Back to the basics
Male


Registered: 05/26/14
Posts: 4,565
Last seen: 3 years, 10 days
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #22251440 - 09/17/15 02:15 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

MarizPeace said:
Quote:

Achillita said:
One thing you need to do is to stop judging yourself. And stop worrying about what others think of you. I know this is easier said than done, but still.

One thing I'd suggest is not focusing on it. Don't search it up, and don't try and diagnose yourself. I've noticed that a lot of people will get into these patterns of thought that they're depressed and anxious, that they end up causing more of it.

You need to break this same thought pattern.




^ this exactly.. too sad but true.
as i started to look up more and more about disorders or posts on this forum that fitted my thoughts what would be wrong with me at that time, i stumbled upon some really (weird stuff)

I'll try to stop judging myself, cus right now i feel less then what you would call normal people.. what i absolutely despise about myself is that i in fact judge other people really bad, even my friends! like wtf, i never did this before. i was fully at peace with them and myself before :confused:
meditating really helped with looking for problems inside, still i can't find out why i do this.



No one is normal, no one fits in the boxes that we try to put them in in our mind. But nearly everyone judges to some extent.

I'd suggest to stop trying to worry yourself about these conditions. The placebo effect is very real and can case you to think you have these problems.


--------------------


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OfflineTravel
...Space Out...
Male


Registered: 12/16/13
Posts: 317
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
Re: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore [Re: MarizPeace]
    #22252392 - 09/17/15 05:52 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

MarizPeace said:
Hey guys,

it's been awhile since my last post, i have made alot of progress and sorted alot of stuff out. At one point i had this problem about talking to people, small talk.. normal conversations etc just didn't seem to make sense anymore. I feel so happy that it's almost back to normal now!

Yesterday i pushed myself to go to an event with my friends where u can see decorated boats sailing through small water ways, there were alot of people. I already had somewhat of a panic attack/state before even going there, asking alot of bullshit questions like, will it be busy? will there be alot of light? I know by my straight mind when i'm thinking about it.. it's just complete bullshit. like wtf should i be afraid off.. I try to fight my mind so much. but it just doesn't go away. So when we arrived, i could keep my (cool) somewhat for the first hour or so, it just feels like i have to wear a mask at that point, like WTF i am just there with my FRIENDS who i never had problems to trust. The world doesn't resolve around me, still i felt somewhat watched. I also have this problem with maintaining eye contact. in fact i was looking down the whole time, holding my beer, looking through my phone like a paranoid idiot, and smoking my sigaret completely unrelaxed. So yeah i felt like i had to wear a mask so my paranoia wouldn't be seen by my friends. this resulted in my face tensing up really bad, and my whole expression felt forced. The whole time i felt drained, instead of enjoying myself! Even after some more beer, it didn't go away. I just could not be in the moment and enjoy myself. It's all just so weird :frown: like it makes me cry right now thinking back how everything was. Last year i went there aswell. heck even in January we were at the same place, even went inside (one of my frinds has a bar) Everyone liked to talk to me, gave off alot of positive feels etc :laugh: everyone was just having a great time. I feel like a completely different person. When talking to people now, it feels so rushed somewhat. having trouble breathing. some people just walk away, or start sighing as if they feel pressured by my voice.

Can someone please help me, i really don't know what to do anymore

p.s i have some older posts, maybe someone can pull some stuff out of there.. i really don't know it anymore i feel empty inside


Kind regards,

Mariz



i gotta say man i've been in the same boat as you for a long while. and it didn't used to be that way. and it sucks. what's different now though versus before is i know myself more. i know my strengths and weaknesses, and i know Everything is easier to deal with the more you do it... weightlifting, running, public speaking, meeting new people... our bodies and minds adapt to these things in time and grow stronger as long as you work them. you just gotta keep at it and dont lose faith 'cause at first you may not notice anything different, but give it time. something helpful i read was "any type of fear or anxiety begins with a thought." control your thoughts and tell yourself you're gonna kill it, whatever it may be. it's helped me out through the years, but i'm nowhere near where i want to be. i've accepted that it takes time though and i'll get where i need to be soon enough. and if in doubt just fake it til you become it :headbang:


--------------------
Excerpt from Tikhal-DMT: "As I exhaled I became terribly afraid, my heart very rapid and strong, palms sweating. A terrible sense of dread and doom filled me -- I knew what was happening, I knew I couldn't stop it, but it was so devastating; I was being destroyed -- all that was familiar, all reference points, all identity -- all viciously shattered in a few seconds. I couldn't even mourn the loss -- there was no one left to do the mourning. Up, up, out, out, eyes closed, I am at the speed of light, expanding, expanding, expanding, faster and faster until I have become so large that I no longer exist -- my speed is so great that everything has come to a stop -- here I gaze upon the entire universe."
Cudi is Life.


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