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birdeatingspider
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Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship
#22130495 - 08/23/15 11:26 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I am an adult child of my parents.. that's what my dad used to always say. Another one of his favorites was 'it takes two to tango'. Now these words are rattling around in my head taking on different meaning.
My mother shocked brother and I by announcing that her and my father will be divorcing after 35 years of marriage that I always wanted to aspire to. We assumed instantaneously it was due to her alcoholism and denial, but it later came out that he had an affair.. with a woman my age, who had a husband and family and was well aware of my fathers. He was sneaking around for half a year before she caught him in a web of lies.
No one saw it coming, always thought their relationship was healthy and had no idea they were having problems. Won't bore anyone with details. This is a week in the making and in that time my mother has suffered a mental break and I have decided to stay with her for the time being.
I have been in a very committed relationship for 2 years. We have experienced the death of both his parents, and the tumultuous havoc my addictions have brought upon us. He has and remains my strongest support system, we don't give up on another and communicate well.
My way of dealing with this and remaining clean and sober has been through mindfulness. But I'm feeling a lot of anger and disgust, which I can handle if not for it seeping through to my boyfriend and I.
Not being nasty and able to talk about my feelings, but my sex drive is null. Nothing feels good and def. can't get off. Not trying to check out now.
Any ideas/thoughts/suggestions?
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From all I may be, or have been before, To mingle with the Universe, and feel What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.
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koraks
Registered: 06/02/03
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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: birdeatingspider] 1
#22130565 - 08/23/15 11:50 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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1. Admire not the marriage that your parents actually had (and that went wrong), but the concept of such a marriage as you'd envisioned it for all those years. Let nobody or nothing take your dreams away from you.
2. Don't set the bar unrealistically high by believing it's a total failure if you can't live up to the image of (1). It's a beautiful aspiration, but accept that life is challenging and that it's not the end of the world if you can't live up to the highest imaginable standards.
3. There are good times and bad times and by the sound of it, your partner seems to accept you as you are, and he will certainly understand if during a bad period, sex will bad or nonexistent.
4. Sex is a muscle and it needs to be exercised. Don't let 3 turn you away from it completely. Not all sex needs to be of the kind that gets you to the stars and back. Even if it feels like a chore, understand that sometimes a chore is needed to accomplish something else. In this case, continued bonding with your partner. Of course, don't do anything that makes you feel unhappy, but also don't be held back by an inability to initiate it yourself or to achieve the mental state that you'd be capable of achieving during a good time.
5. Try to live a regular life and keep doing the little things that give you some sort of satisfaction. Being there for your mother is certainly going to take a toll (apart from hopefully also giving satisfaction), so make sure you can have some time for yourself as well. As a loving mother, she'll understand.
6. Don't think less of your father for doing this. Also, it's understandable that his affair is being identified as the one and only cause of the ending of your parents' marriage, but as you may understand, things are never that straightforward. If your father has been a good person all considered, then don't change that image. Accept that he's a person like any other, and has his flaws. Love him for his good sides, and don't his bad traits overshadow that.
7. Don't be too hard on yourself. Ever.
8. Good advice never comes neatly packaged in a numbered list. Only random thoughts do, under the guise of a fool-proof system, which it never is. Take the usable aspects from it, and leave the rest for what it is.
I wish you the best of luck and hope things will change for the better!
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EllisDSox
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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: birdeatingspider]
#22134077 - 08/24/15 06:24 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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You're not either one of your parents. Look at the mistakes your dad made and do your best not to despise him. Look at the state your mother is in and see the cost of disloyalty. Of course your sex drive is gonna be low for a while after something like this. If your partner cares about you, that won't be a big issue whatsoever. Sorry to make this so abrupt, I just don't want to talk a load of motivational bullshit.
-------------------- Disclaimer: If you have any kind of heart condition, my posts are not for you. You could literally die from reading the first couple of words in any one of them. Scroll down the page, live your life and prosper, but don't read my posts because your heart will probably explode. I am not joking.
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birdeatingspider
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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: EllisDSox]
#22135487 - 08/24/15 01:28 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Especially the thoughtfulness of your numbered good advise, koraks.
Feel like I was being a good sport up until yesterday. Something snapped and I can't put my finger on what triggered this change in attitude. I am one for understanding and forgiveness, but seeing the state of my mother -is- making me despise my father.
It's alarming to be so out of touch with my inner workings.
Nothing else to add, just wanted to say thanks for the input.
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From all I may be, or have been before, To mingle with the Universe, and feel What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.
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zappaisgod
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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: birdeatingspider] 2
#22135586 - 08/24/15 02:01 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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This isn't about you. You are a grown person. This is between them.
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koraks
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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: zappaisgod]
#22135624 - 08/24/15 02:08 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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True. Also, I understand the tendency to put the blame for your mother's hard feelings on someone. I'd suggest leaving that to her, but keep an open mind for your father's perspective and to appreciate his value as your father. This will be hard at times, but you'll find that this stance will ultimately be for the best for all involved.
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birdeatingspider
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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: zappaisgod]
#22135872 - 08/24/15 02:53 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Gee, the thought hadn't crossed my mind. But thank you for enlightening me and now that I realize this has nothing to do with me I'll be sure to not let it hinder my life.
In all seriousness, I suppose it takes empathy to understand how empathy works.
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From all I may be, or have been before, To mingle with the Universe, and feel What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: birdeatingspider] 1
#22136017 - 08/24/15 03:28 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Stop being a baby
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MoxyOx
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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: birdeatingspider]
#22140445 - 08/25/15 11:28 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
zappaisgod said: Stop being a baby
Divorce changes a lot of social fabrication you have in place, but at least it's happening while you're an adult.
Try going through that shit as a child.
-------------------- No one behind, no one ahead. The path the ancients cleared has closed. And the other path, everyone's path, easy and wide, goes nowhere. I am alone and find my way.
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: MoxyOx]
#22140600 - 08/25/15 12:02 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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My daughter did. She turned out pretty alright. My stepsons have issues utterly unrelated to the divorce from their useless lunatic father
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basqueshaman
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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: zappaisgod]
#22162123 - 08/29/15 07:16 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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All I can say is that you are your own person, yes your parents help shape you but you make your own decisions. Are you worried about that if you get married the same thing will happen to you? If you want to get married you should only marry someone who you love unconditionally and be prepared to forgive them if such an event should occur. Yes it takes to two for anything to happen like that. Stop and ponder the reason why you're father felt the need to look elsewhere. You may not like what you find. Maybe your parents haven't had sex in years and she was willing. Maybe he just wanted one last harra with a young woman. I can't tell you. But if he didn't give a shit about your mom he would have, Told her GTFG and moved the young chick in. Or left with out a word assuming you're brother is over 18. You should never expect a relationship to last forever because we'll for one we all die and well life happens. Either way best of luck with copping with the break up of your parents, other than that best of luck growing up since you should be mostly there.
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Srirachi
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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: basqueshaman]
#22163362 - 08/30/15 03:06 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Lots of good advice never gets taken because the return key is underutilized while giving it.
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birdeatingspider
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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: Srirachi]
#22164115 - 08/30/15 10:23 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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I always have no problem reading in between the lines especially if its well intended.
There's more to the story but I don't want to be trolled as a result of being open.. all's I'll say is he hasn't been a very good father and I'm now realizing that he must hurt very badly to have driven away his wife who has been the provider and although she is no saint, her love and support towards him has been quite evident.
As far as getting it elsewhere, my mom has made it clear in her rages that he risked her health by having unprotected sex with this married woman.. makes me shudder mostly because she is so out of his league.
Now that's all none of my business, what is taking its toll is when family and friends ask how my parents are and I must lie or avoid talking/seeing them altogether.
One thing my mom is renown for is projecting, and it always surprises me when in over my head, I recognize I've taken on her shit. Both of us have poor ability recognizing and setting boundaries... only she hasn't been in therapy for it as I have.
Since writing this post it has been exhausting for me and my dog who have been staying with her. Feel as though I helped her through some things beyond words of support, got her wearing herself out exercising, getting out of the house, and seeing a therapist. At this point I need to look out for my welfare so I am going back to my home.
I'm going to need to speak to my father at some point but not until I can put distance between myself and my mother's hate and pain.
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From all I may be, or have been before, To mingle with the Universe, and feel What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.
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Tomandjerry58
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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: birdeatingspider]
#22164240 - 08/30/15 10:53 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Im a son of divorced parents and ive been thru a divorce with child.
Maybe you should take this as a lesson that people do separate and get divorced. One day in the future if you are in a bad relationship and need to get out the thought of separation or divorce wont be so abnormal. People shouldn't live in misery if they do not like who they are with...been divorced for 3yrs now and I was married for 10. Best thing I ever did for myself.
p.s. don't hate your dad or your mom
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birdeatingspider
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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: Tomandjerry58]
#22164391 - 08/30/15 11:35 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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I certainly do not hate them. I called my dad after that last post and touched base. Ended on an awkward but pos note.
By no means do I imply that he should have stuck it out.
By staying with my ma I've already see how liberating this has been for her.
What boils my blood is what he did. This wasn't rape. He didn't trip and land in her twat. If things were going wrong in the marriage he should of got out or better yet, been candid with my mom and gone to see a councilor.
IMO what he did was the lowest of low, cowardly, and despicable.
Doesn't matter why he did it.. the only one responsible for it is himself and once he takes accountability, the sooner he will put this behind.
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From all I may be, or have been before, To mingle with the Universe, and feel What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.
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birdeatingspider
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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: birdeatingspider]
#22164441 - 08/30/15 11:49 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
linked from 'similar thread'
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From all I may be, or have been before, To mingle with the Universe, and feel What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.
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Tomandjerry58
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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: birdeatingspider]
#22164451 - 08/30/15 11:52 AM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Accountability? Is he denying his affair?
I think its hard for a "family member" or son/daughter etc to realize that although the father and mother are legally married, they are not actually family. Hope that makes some sense?
Relationships are about love, caring and wanting to be with each other. Once a person loses that its hard to gain it back...no therapist, councilor or anybody could make me want to be with my x. I can still talk with her and laugh it up on occasion.
By no means would I ever want to be intimate with her again. Or hang out with her for more than a 1/2 hr
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Tomandjerry58
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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: birdeatingspider]
#22164507 - 08/30/15 12:01 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
birdeatingspider said:
Quote:
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
linked from 'similar thread'
I can respect that
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birdeatingspider
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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: Tomandjerry58]
#22164518 - 08/30/15 12:03 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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He is blaming my mom. I am sure his concerns are valid, but this is no way to bring it to her attention.
No way I could be with my mom, I get and accept the marriage failed.
But there is no excuse for an affair. Get out before you give in. If she didn't go through his phone he would have kept doing what he was doing in deceitful manner.
That isn't fair to anyone involved.
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From all I may be, or have been before, To mingle with the Universe, and feel What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.
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birdeatingspider
Stranger in Paradise



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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: Tomandjerry58]
#22164533 - 08/30/15 12:07 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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To what koraks said at beginning of this thread, the only way out is through: There are things to take away and much as far as how a potential marriage for myself will exist.
Integrity is important to me if you can't tell
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From all I may be, or have been before, To mingle with the Universe, and feel What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.
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Tomandjerry58
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Re: Parents failed marriage is wrecking my relationship [Re: birdeatingspider]
#22167187 - 08/30/15 11:17 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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After I spoke to you earlier, I thought of what your dad said. He left out one huge part about marriage which is: by marrying someone you are also claiming them as yours. So it is actually selfish because it means you don't want to share them with anybody else.
Having integrity is wonderful and everyone should have it, I cannot justify what your father is doing but I do feel for him in this situation. More so than your mom because ive been in his shoes.
People misunderstand loyalty, honor, and integrity when it comes to relationships. Thinking that you can just wake up everyday and treat somebody like they are not attractive. And or not taking care of yourself to make yourself attractive is just ridiculous. Sooo many people just lose it when they get married thinking the other person is never going to leave.....its just ridiculous. People get bored and their eyes stray..
lol im probably the worst person to post about this shit hope your mom stops playing that victim card with you and you can breathe again. Hope she stands up and takes charge of this situation
fyi my mom still talks about how bad my dad was 20 yrs after their divorce
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