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Anonymous #1

Hard question about cheating ~ it's a weird one IMO
    #22129890 - 08/23/15 08:11 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I was in a monogamous relationship with a girl who later decided she preferred polygamy and ended up cheating on me several times.
After we broke up I was devastated but in time came to be fond of the polygamous lifestyle myself.
Now my I have feelings for my ex again because I can see how she felt it was no big deal to cheat.
She was always emotionally faithful to me and that is at the end of the day what I'm lookin for.
I wouldn't like a polygamous relationship where each party actively seeks sex outside of it but one where sex outside the relationship isn't forbidden is something I can get behind, pending my emotional relationship with my partner is unharmed.

I was monogamous minded when she cheated on me so despite being more or less polygamous now what she did to me still hurts but i wonder with my new view on the topic now could we still work out maybe? She was a phenomenal person I was deeply in love with..

I'm not sure if my new views should sway what happened since she cheated on me knowing it would hurt me.

I'm quite confused on how I should feel about her now. It's been about 3 years since we broke up and still have sparse contact. She has started showing feelings for me again and I hadn't even considered getting back with her until this year when my feelings about the whole ordeal changed.

Confused please help.


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,672
Re: Hard question about cheating ~ it's a weird one IMO [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22129995 - 08/23/15 08:50 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Of course, her unilateral decision  to open up the relationship isn't real polygamy, but simply a deliberate decision  to cheat. If you feel hurt, then you're right to feel that way.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by your current view on polygamy. It seems very vague; you're alright with either party seeking sex (or also love?) outside the relationship, but at the same time you're not ok with it? Where do you draw the line?

If you're clear about that yourself, you could consider talking things through with your ex - provided she's interested. If you'll be able to let the past rest, that remains to be seen. Some people are better at it than others. It's a good sign that you feel your ex has remained emotionally faithful to you.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Hard question about cheating ~ it's a weird one IMO [Re: koraks]
    #22130063 - 08/23/15 09:12 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I'm ok with polygamy in the sense having a one night stand based on sexual attraction would not bother me.
What would still bother me is an ongoing sexual relationship with the same person, or sleepin with someone because of emotional feelings.
I want to have an emotionally exclusive relationship with my girl and be the only one who she's emotionally invested in. But I'm not against sex with other partners if it is just based on sexual attraction and not emotional attraction.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Hard question about cheating ~ it's a weird one IMO [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22130073 - 08/23/15 09:15 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Because at the end of the day the emotional connection and attraction I share with my partner is far more important than the sexual connection.
Don't get me wrong sex is very important in a relationship but it doesn't need to stay exclusive to said relationship.
If my girl travels for work lets say, I don't see a problem with her hooking up with someone else during her travels to fulfill her sexual desire as long her emotional commitment to me stud unhindered. And vice bees for myself while she's gone or if I'm the one travelling.


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InvisibleMr.GuessWork
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Re: Hard question about cheating ~ it's a weird one IMO [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22130185 - 08/23/15 09:49 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I agree with koraks. She violated your trust, and you need to be confident that your trust won't be violated. That's the major issue with your ex, not polygamy (and I think you mean polyamory).

It doesn't sound like you have a good understanding of what's going to bother you when it happens. You sound like your open to the idea of discussing it and exploring it, but you don't have a clear idea of what it is yet. If you get back with the ex, then you'll be experimenting with two thing: trusting somebody who already violated your trust multiple time, and also exploring and finding acceptable boundaries for relationship setup that is basically similar to an open relationship (what you've described is not polyamory or polygamy). That's two risky experiments going on at the same time, each of which could easily fail on its own. Chances are good that the relationship will end badly for you IMO. It might be doable, but it's not likely to work out well, and you guys both better be able to responsibly handle a lot of fuck-ups at once because the conditions will be ripe for shitstorms, especially if she still thinks it's okay to make decisions about the sexual practices of the relationship without your input or knowledge.


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OfflineLucisM
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Registered: 03/28/15
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Re: Hard question about cheating ~ it's a weird one IMO [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22130192 - 08/23/15 09:51 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I believe that a relationship can work well if the people involved in it are open about their sexual desires, meaning sleep with other people, but are honest about this.  It's just sex, and the truly important part of a relationship for me is the emotional part, the part where you talk about shit and love each other for who you really are, not the sex you provide.

You might have sex with someone, but realize emotionally they could never work for you.  Whatever relationship I am in next I want it to be an open relationship, meaning if the lady I am with wants to have sex with another man that is OK I just want her to be honest, and happy, but want to have an healthy emotional connection with her.

I don't think marriage is a bad thing, but I definitely see many people who are miserable and married, I feel like this is because they feel stuck with one person.  If couples are more open, this opens new doors in the relationship, and keeps things fresh which keeps all parties involved happy.

Just my opinion.


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,672
Re: Hard question about cheating ~ it's a weird one IMO [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22130235 - 08/23/15 10:04 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
I'm ok with polygamy in the sense having a one night stand based on sexual attraction would not bother me.




Well, it's good to be conscious of what kind of arrangement would be alright with you and where you draw the line. It's a personal matter and only you can decide what works best for you. Also there is no right or wrong way to do this.

Having said that, do keep in mind that polyamory for many involves an emotional connection in addition to a sexual one. Given that notion, prolonged associations do happen, although I often hear that flings tend to Mr short or not very intensive. I would recommend to think about how bad it is for you (or isn't) if your partner were to develop feelings for someone else in addition to what happens between the two of you. Some people are capable of this without taking away anything they feel for their primary partner. In that situation, it's up to the other partner to accept and trust that their partner will always remain emotionally available and committed to you. It can be a tough concept to wrap your head around and especially in the beginning it will not be easy, but there are many people for whom this works quite well for many years. If you're in that group is hard to tell, but be aware of the possibility so you don't exclude any options that may be worthwhile to you and your future partners.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Hard question about cheating ~ it's a weird one IMO [Re: koraks]
    #22130402 - 08/23/15 10:58 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

The more I think about it the more I want to stay away.
I really did have a wonderful connection with her and we clicked real well.
But regardless of how she viewed it at the time and how I view it now, she did hurt me and she did betray my trust.
It's nice to think life brought us back together in the sense we view relationships and sex in more or less the same way now but it does not change how she betrayed me in the beginning.
Maybe it is best to stay away.

Girls man.


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OfflineDTCharlieB
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Re: Hard question about cheating ~ it's a weird one IMO [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22132729 - 08/23/15 08:29 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

She knew it would hurt you if she slept around and did it anyways.  More then likely she still won't care if she hurts you or not.  Personally I'd stay away.  Find another fish.  One that cares about you enough not to hurt you.


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OfflineDTCharlieB
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Re: Hard question about cheating ~ it's a weird one IMO [Re: DTCharlieB]
    #22132739 - 08/23/15 08:31 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Ah I see you beat me too it saying pretty much the same thing.  Good deal man.  There are decent chick's out there just gotta do what's best for you.


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I like lasagna.



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OfflineMagenta
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Re: Hard question about cheating ~ it's a weird one IMO [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22132800 - 08/23/15 08:43 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

OP, you're not marrying the woman, it's not polygamy, that would be illegal. The word you're looking for is 'polyamory'. If she's expressed interest in having a relationship with you again, i'd say go for it, be open and upfront with her that you're interested in having a polyamorous relationship with her. When she starts seeing other guys, you can not be jealous. When she's ready to leave you, then you need to let her go and be happy for her. if you can't do those things then you are not capable of having a polyamorous relationship and should seek love within a monogamous relationship else where.
If you do begin a polyamorous relationship with this girl, you must see other girls as well, otherwise it's not polyamorous at all, and she will leave you in fear that you're getting to emotionally involved in her.
If you're considering being monogamous with this girl again, i'd suggest forgetting it. She hurt you once, and she'll do it again. Only enter a polyamorous relationship with her until you find the person you love. Don't hide that fact either. Be upfront, and if she can't handle that, then stiff shit, move on, she'd be a nut job not worth the time of day if she can't accept that.


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InvisibleCognitive_Shift
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Re: Hard question about cheating ~ it's a weird one IMO [Re: Magenta]
    #22133169 - 08/23/15 10:28 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I think he is defining an "open relationship."  Some people do it, no it's not weird, most people are too petty and jealous to make it work but some are successful at it.


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InvisibleEllisDSox
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Re: Hard question about cheating ~ it's a weird one IMO [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22134040 - 08/24/15 06:06 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

If you get real cynical about it, monogamy is a contract. If she just decided to alter the relationship to a polygamous one without telling you, then she is a liar and a cheat. She shouldn't have done it. Don't go back there, regardless of what the "rules" are this time.


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OfflineRoyalSlurm
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Re: Hard question about cheating ~ it's a weird one IMO [Re: EllisDSox]
    #22146201 - 08/26/15 12:32 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

BERSERK DESTROYER said:
If you get real cynical about it, monogamy is a contract. If she just decided to alter the relationship to a polygamous one without telling you, then she is a liar and a cheat. She shouldn't have done it. Don't go back there, regardless of what the "rules" are this time.



i agree, she broke your trust before and that is a huge deal breaker for me. if i were you, i would explore other relationships instead of rekindling an old one that already didnt work.

with that being said, life is life and love is love. if you think that you can be in a relationship with her without any of the outside stuff bothering you, then by all means, dont let some random people on a forum tell you otherwise. just be careful because you are playing a dangerous game, my friend.


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