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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Registered: 12/10/11
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Finally reaching out again
    #22126187 - 08/22/15 09:58 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Some time ago I found out I had BPD. Took a long time to figure out because I'm usually not someone that lashes out on others during my bad moments. I internalize all that stuff and it's lead me down the roads of self mutilation and suicide more than a few times. But after I figured out what was up with my head I figured I'd controlled it, after all I'd already learned how to in some way.

But my physical health started to nose dive. The last few years I've been in pain almost every single day. I've had 2 surgeries and look to be having another in the future. What I've been going through hasn't been helping my distrust in doctors.


Even with all of this I think my symptoms would be manageable. Without the soul sucking jobs I've been forced to take. I worked in a warehouse at my last job and every day I went to work I seriously considered throwing myself, or someone else, into a conveyor belt. Now I would never let myself hurt someone, I'd absolutely go to myself first, always have and always will. But the concerning thing is the more uncontrolled thoughts I have about hurting someone else the more likely I am to hurt myself.


I came to my breaking point again and again in the last few years and I never sought help. I had a frightening bout with delusional psychosis and I've lost several jobs, I've lost all my friends. So when things started getting bad again... I figured it wouldn't hurt to go ahead and get on the meds again. Even though I hate them and even though the wds are going to suck. I need to do something. This is the best job I've ever had and I don't want to lose it. Not to mention I want to feel like I'm capable of making friends again. But I feel like trying to maintain either when I'm like this is going to result in someone getting hurt.


Yesterday I called my old therapist, the only one with that title that I think actually knew some things about some things. I don't feel like I'm making progress. I don't feel like I'm moving forward. I feel like I was forced into this. I don't like when I'm like that. But I don't like when I'm like this. I've done so much to try to better myself in recent years but I felt like I was moving backward. But now that I've taken this step I feel like I'm moving even farther backward.



I feel like, no matter where I go in life, I still always find myself caught between a rock and a hard place.


I do not trust these fuckers. But I don't feel I have the choice right now.





Sorry if some of this is gibberish. I just woke up and have had a headache all morning.


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          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


Edited by CookieCrumbs (08/22/15 10:09 AM)


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OfflinePsilosopherr
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Re: Finally reaching out again [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #22126311 - 08/22/15 10:36 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

ooof..that sounds rough.

Good luck finding a therapist who's not a total quack...there's got to be some out there


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: Finally reaching out again [Re: Psilosopherr]
    #22126597 - 08/22/15 12:07 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Thanks. That's why I reached out to that dude. He's the only one I've had that I have any real respect for. He can't "treat" me because I'm no longer an adolescent, but I'm gonna go see next saturday and try to get a recommendation.

There was no way in hell I was just going to go see some random again. Honestly I have a major fear of people who want to help hurting me even more. Because they have.


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          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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Invisiblesudly
Darwin's stagger


Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,805
Re: Finally reaching out again [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #22128399 - 08/22/15 07:38 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Found out I have BPD a week ago but I've had it for years.

Have you heard of quiet BPD?
Everyone's different and there are various causes but personally my issues with BPD stemmed back to my ever present feelings and fears of abandonment.

My father left us when we were very young which had more of an impact on me then I cared to admit.

In knowing many of my sinking thought loops are due to feelings of abandonment has helped me to be mindful of myself and realise when it is that I trigger my episodes.

What are your triggers?


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I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.



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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: Finally reaching out again [Re: sudly]
    #22129250 - 08/23/15 12:08 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Nah I haven't heard of "quiet BPD" but I will look it up.

One of my biggest triggers is criticism. "you did this wrong" "you're doing this wrong" It's about the worst thing I can hear. I can take criticism but when it comes from someone I actually care about it tears me up inside. Especially if they're angry or dissapointed.


People not keeping their promises is another. And I know it's hypocritical  of me since I'm constantly bailing on people but I can't help but think that because my friend isn't going to make it to our dinner plans that they don't want to be my friend anymore.


And honestly when I was trying to better myself I got this idea in my head that people didn't like the new me, that I was talking too much, I was venting too much, I was way too open, and they secretly hated me and wanted to get away from me. Now there was probably only one friend that felt this way and that I let go. The rest I pulled away from thinking that was what they wanted. I realize now that that wasn't true at all and I've done that so many times in my life. It's a big reason why I decided to try to reach out.


Oh and since you shared where you think your BPD comes from I'll share mine. I was neglected as a child. Its not that my parents didn't love me, they just sucked at being parents, so I've forgiven them for it. But I was also bullied pretty badly so never really having their support kinda messed me up. I first started showing symptoms of emotional instability when I was 9 years old when I started having panic attacks. That was when I saw my first therapist. I don't remember much of it, but I remember feeling worse for having to talk to her.



I don't much like talking about that. The whole "my parents never hugged me" thing makes me sound like a little bitch.



EDIT: Yeah I just looked up quiet BPD. Definitely sounds like me.


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          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


Edited by CookieCrumbs (08/23/15 12:15 AM)


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OfflineJustForToday
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Registered: 09/08/14
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Re: Finally reaching out again [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #22132512 - 08/23/15 07:26 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
Nah I haven't heard of "quiet BPD" but I will look it up.

One of my biggest triggers is criticism. "you did this wrong" "you're doing this wrong" It's about the worst thing I can hear. I can take criticism but when it comes from someone I actually care about it tears me up inside. Especially if they're angry or dissapointed.


People not keeping their promises is another. And I know it's hypocritical  of me since I'm constantly bailing on people but I can't help but think that because my friend isn't going to make it to our dinner plans that they don't want to be my friend anymore.


And honestly when I was trying to better myself I got this idea in my head that people didn't like the new me, that I was talking too much, I was venting too much, I was way too open, and they secretly hated me and wanted to get away from me. Now there was probably only one friend that felt this way and that I let go. The rest I pulled away from thinking that was what they wanted. I realize now that that wasn't true at all and I've done that so many times in my life. It's a big reason why I decided to try to reach out.


Oh and since you shared where you think your BPD comes from I'll share mine. I was neglected as a child. Its not that my parents didn't love me, they just sucked at being parents, so I've forgiven them for it. But I was also bullied pretty badly so never really having their support kinda messed me up. I first started showing symptoms of emotional instability when I was 9 years old when I started having panic attacks. That was when I saw my first therapist. I don't remember much of it, but I remember feeling worse for having to talk to her.



I don't much like talking about that. The whole "my parents never hugged me" thing makes me sound like a little bitch.



EDIT: Yeah I just looked up quiet BPD. Definitely sounds like me.




It's because people in this country, they lack empathy. They refuse to put themselves in someone else's shoes. It's because our society is becoming more cold hearted. One prime reason why i'm moving to Japan when i'm financially able. I didn't know you were struggling so much. I'm going to inbox you. I would like to try and help.


--------------------
Hey Shae, Are you still doing that hand thing? I heard you was doing that hand thing today. Oh God what is that?!



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Invisiblesudly
Darwin's stagger


Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,805
Re: Finally reaching out again [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #22132955 - 08/23/15 09:19 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Another thing that was helpful was learning what it was that I felt intimidated by. Triggers are intimidating and can be difficult to handle emotionally.
It sounds like you feel intimidation when confronted with criticism.

I have had issues with criticism in the past but have enough self responsibility and respect that I don't make excuses for my faults anymore, I'm not perfect and I won't hold it against myself for not being so.

"People not keeping their promises is another. And I know it's hypocritical  of me since I'm constantly bailing on people but I can't help but think that because my friend isn't going to make it to our dinner plans that they don't want to be my friend anymore."
What you've said above is highly indicative of a fear of abandonment, you fear that your friend will abandon you and as you said yourself, not want to be your friend anymore.

Not everyone in the world is going to like you and they don't have to, in the end the only thing that really matters is if you like yourself.

This kind of push/pull abandonment fearing behavior is predominant in people with QBPD.

You also added that you have been/felt neglected as a child which is the likely catalyst to your emotional abandonment issues. Bullying is often the case for people who lack the self respect to stand up for themselves and move away or remove the bullies from their life.


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I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.



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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: Finally reaching out again [Re: sudly]
    #22133239 - 08/23/15 10:48 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Thanks, JFT. I never really like to talk about this stuff. But I realize, to get better, I'm kinda going to have to. Oh and I agree, there is a huge lacking in empathy and understanding. But I feel like that's not just america and is current society as a whole. Can't really say though, I've never been outside the states.



And it sounds like your assumptions are correct. I've learned to not hate myself, hell even to appreciate some things about myself, which has been huge for me. For the longest time I wouldn't allow myself to be happy... because it was easier just to stay on the negative side. And that's one reason I've been so resistant to meds. I notice with me they just keep me at a static emotionally level. I can't really experience joy, pleasure, or even love to the same extent when I'm on them. But the negativity is frequent enough and rough enough for it to just make more sense right now.


It's really hard for me to do social things. I don't really feel like I need to be accepted by everyone but its hard for me to reach out and people don't understand that. So when I do reach out and I feel it isn't reciprocated well enough... it can crush me. I've wanted to cry alot lately over this idea that everyone wants me to go away. I don't know, it's so hard for me to read people. For me to understand what is reality and what is my head.


Sigh


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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Invisiblesudly
Darwin's stagger


Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,805
Re: Finally reaching out again [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #22133338 - 08/23/15 11:18 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

There is no overnight cure for BPD and the associated behaviors (except psilocybin) which is why mindfulness of yourself is key to improvement.

You want to be able to think and respond to your emotions, not to simply react to them.


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I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.



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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: Finally reaching out again [Re: sudly]
    #22133646 - 08/24/15 01:11 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I will try to keep that in mind. It's all just a ton of work and I don't want to do it. I should have done it years ago.


I don't often react to my emotions though. They all just kind of sit inside my head and build up into more shit. And that's what's causing me trouble.


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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Invisiblesudly
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Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,805
Re: Finally reaching out again [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #22133727 - 08/24/15 02:06 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Then respond to them, introspect and figure out why you have the thoughts you do. It's not hard if you can promise self honesty.

I know if I'm lying to myself so it's easy enough not to. I feel guilty for lying to others and the same goes for lying to myself which is why I don't do it.


--------------------
I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.



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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: Finally reaching out again [Re: sudly]
    #22141904 - 08/25/15 05:03 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I actually went through that process in the last 2 years. Sorted out all my dirty little thoughts. It helped alot. For a little while.

And honestly I know where my current bad thoughts come from. But I can't control them and I can't get away from the trigger right now.


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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InvisibleCognitive_Shift
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Re: Finally reaching out again [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #22142577 - 08/25/15 07:12 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Take the damn meds, no matter what you think about them it's better then living like you have for past couple years.  Stay on them for life.


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L'enfer est plein de bonnes volontés et désirs


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: Finally reaching out again [Re: Cognitive_Shift]
    #22148326 - 08/26/15 06:59 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Heh. How long have you been on welbutrin?

I was on and off medication for about 7-8 years. The last time I came off was because I asked my doctor how long she thought I'd have to be on them and she basically told me for the rest of my life.


Believe it or not I like my emotions. I like my anger. It makes me feel alive. Without my emotions I just feel... empty.


It's just when my emotions are constant and completely irrational that it's a problem. I don't like not feeling like I'm able to be genuinely pissed off when I should be, you know?


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


Edited by CookieCrumbs (08/26/15 07:00 PM)


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InvisibleCognitive_Shift
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Re: Finally reaching out again [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #22148674 - 08/26/15 08:09 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I recently started taking wellbutrin again in the past few weeks.  Around 1.5 years total though.


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L'enfer est plein de bonnes volontés et désirs


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