Basically I have been stuck in a rut mentally for the last year, when an injury got really bad, ever since I can't get any satisfaction and although I can now, I don't even walk around much because I don't even want to get out of bed. I am doing better now than I ever have been while injured but the mental toll it takes on me is just as bad. Lifting weights at the gym was the only thing I did besides drugs and school, and some other little things, and not having been able to lift weights and everyday knowing my body is only going downhill in physical shape although I am very young. I had to use dissocitives 24/7 for the pain, for over half a year. I also used benzosdiazepines along with them to lower brain damage. I ended up switching to opiates for reasons I don't have time to discuss. They were no comparison in their ability to kill pain, but I did what I could and got through it. Not for pain at first, because I didn't realize it helped but I also used methamphetamine sporadically this last year. I don't remember exactly when but around 6 months ago decided to take a large dose because I wanted to see what an actual high from it was like (I used to stick to 20-30mg doses orally) and I realized that it was an amazing pain killer, dextro-methamphetamine in large enough doses with a little bit of benzos was actually capable of getting rid of most of the pain. I didn't use too much of it, but I definably used more than I should have, I started taking doses just under 100mg (extremely high purity d-methamp), and for a short while pulling all nighters every other night for about 3 weeks. I redosed, but the initial doses at the time were roughly 100mg, or I would snort 30mg a few times in a short duration. My usage later decreased but I had a tolerance and was on benzos every day since they work as muscle relaxants so 100mg became the normal amount for a day, orally or intranasally. Once in a while I would smoke a litttle first thing in the morning, I think I did that as I was getting more depressed with my life, because I later ended up doing the same with butyr-fentanyl, but I snorted that. I haven't used any opiates for the most part, or methamp, in about 2 months, but still take small-moderate doses of amphetamine, smoke weed, and on and off take my remaining benzos as muscle relaxants. The problem is I now feel like I have nothing in life worth doing. It used to be the gym, but now I am lost. I go to the beach but don't talk to anyone really, and only swim for about 10 minutes (because I can do that now). Versus going to the beach before all this and actually enjoying it. Working out was the only thing that held me together and gave meaning to my life somehow. I can spend a whole day thinkng of what I should do, but I don't care for anything, and just pass through the days. Working out also allowed me to think straight, and function well. So on top of everything I don't know what I am going to do when I go back to school if I can't work out. Besides waiting on my body to hopefully heal, I feel like I need to find something to wake up for in the morning. I don't believe a girl will fix all my problems but so far the only thing I can think of is maybe if I got in a relationship I could live life again rather than just sitting down depressed as time goes on.
When the pain was really bad all I could think about was getting through the day, then when I was supposed to get up in the morning all I wanted to do was go back to sleep and not wake up (not die, just sorta time travel to a better time). All I could do was load up on as much stuff to get rid of the pain as possible and watch movies and tv shows on netflix, since at a point walking to the kitchen was the most exercise I could do. I don't have such pain anymore but thinking back it wasn't the pain that originally got to me, it was not being able to work out, the pain is just a more visible thing to link everything too, but before the pain was really bad I wanted the same, because I just don't know how to live if I can't work out. It may sound stupid but I do not need any responses telling me I should do what I can in he gym such as legs, I think only a bodybuilder knows the mentality of my connection to moving massive amounts of weight at the gym. Personally I enjoyed doing that with my upper body, still worked out legs just didn't enjoy it.
-------------------- Everything I say on here is not true, I am an insecure person who lies about doing drugs and stuff to make myself feel good. So any illegal things I may have talked about are all fictional.
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