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InvisibleAtreyu
Never Ending
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Registered: 03/18/14
Posts: 4,083
Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: pfxtc]
    #22153312 - 08/27/15 07:29 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)



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つ ◕_◕ ༽つ N = R* • fp • ne • fl • fi • fc • L 


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OfflineDetached
You know where...


Registered: 02/27/15
Posts: 2,942
Last seen: 10 months, 15 days
Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: Babydoll Zamnza]
    #22153315 - 08/27/15 07:29 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Babydoll Zamnza said:
If I even try to repair these relationships, my life would be in danger. Attempting to reconnect with these people is suicide.

I'd rather not give a backstory.





You should really add a backstory.


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Offlinepfxtc
RUEXP?
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Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 21,166
Loc: Flag
Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: Atreyu]
    #22153318 - 08/27/15 07:31 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Atreyu said:





:lol:


--------------------

koods said:
Young male going by the name "Bassfreak" entered Worcester General complaining of a sharp pain in his buttock region after attending EDM event. Attending physician considered a possible diagnosis of acute rave anus, but upon further investigation it was determined there was nothing cute about patient's anus.

Life-long trip report


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OfflineBabydoll Zamnza
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Female

Registered: 08/10/15
Posts: 17
Loc: California, USA, San Jose
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: Atreyu]
    #22166051 - 08/30/15 07:17 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Atreyu said:




Hahahaha! :lolz0rz:


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OfflineBabydoll Zamnza
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Female

Registered: 08/10/15
Posts: 17
Loc: California, USA, San Jose
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: Babydoll Zamnza]
    #22166155 - 08/30/15 07:38 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I am now leaning towards not going.

Every time I think of this person, I think about how they betrayed me and fill with rage. At this moment, I am unable to guarantee my composure during the gathering.

I'll give you this much of a backstory.

Last year, I was an extraordinary person. A person who followed all of the rules that were given to them by familial elites. Outside of that, I was an astounding role model. Children wanted to be me, adults wanted to be with me. I never made inappropriate waves because I knew of the consequences that would befall upon me.
Then I met this dude. I wanted to be this guy's go-to-person so bad that I broke one of the most important rules.
I lost my status. I lost my security. I lost my self-respect.
After being this guy's go-to-person, I found myself in a constant state of self-doubt and suffering.
Did I make the right decision? How will I survive the next month? Who will I turn to when times are difficult?
An entire year passes, I put all of myself into shaping this bond regardless of how much of myself I lost. Throughout the entire year I had my self-esteem shattered, and then ground into a powder. I sacrificed so much of myself until the person I saw in the mirror was someone that disgusted me. Our back-and-forth came to a point where mind-reading was essential. Then, I'm dropped and told to never contact them in the future.
For weeks I spiraled into depression, I blamed myself for not trying hard enough.
Recently, I have found myself in a better place.
I am more independent. I am more confident. Best of all, I found a whole new perspective of self-respect. Things that used to depress me made me happy again. Things that I felt ashamed of, I have embraced.
I am in a much better place.
However, I believe that the abandonment and rejection that I felt has manifested itself into a blind fury. If I don't learn how to manage it, I fear that it will turn me into nothing.

People ask me what I'm afraid of, I say nothing. I mean it. I am terrified of nothing. Back then, I knew I was something. I knew that I was making a difference in so many people's lives. That something is what people see in me when they recognize who I was, but I know right now nothing is there. Nothing is terrifying.


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OfflineDetached
You know where...


Registered: 02/27/15
Posts: 2,942
Last seen: 10 months, 15 days
Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: Babydoll Zamnza]
    #22166227 - 08/30/15 07:52 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Your backstory doesn't provide any insight to your previous posts in this thread but...

People make mistakes and as long as we learn from them and grow, it is something that betters us in the run of things. If people really looked to you as you claim (essentially idolizing you), surely they will recognize that you are human and to error is a part of life.

I am going to assume you are really young from the way you view yourself but don't kick yourself too hard. These are all lessons we learn in life.

Chances are, if you go back to your family to make amends, they will be there to welcome you with open arms.


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OfflineReposadoXochipilli
Here, there, inbetween
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Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 7,501
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Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: Detached]
    #22166267 - 08/30/15 07:59 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

go to another gathering that unless by some weird twist in fate won't see said individual. you are obviously not ready to see said person due to your concern for poor choices to follow.

do yourself the favor of not having to deal with it if you are not ready to.


--------------------


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
High on Spite
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Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: Babydoll Zamnza]
    #22166391 - 08/30/15 08:21 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Sounds like you're making the right choice :thumbup: there are more important things in life than mushroom gatherings.

Were you from a religious background or something?  I've never really heard someone describe their past like that.  I can appreciate that you're just trying to get it out and figure things out for yourself, but it seems a bit self-indulgent.

If all you did to cut yourself off from the people in your past was pursue this relationship, they weren't really your friends.  I have a hard time believing that is really the whole story though.


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OfflineMescalean
Burke is love, burke is life.


Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 6,755
Last seen: 6 years, 10 months
Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: moonrockmushy]
    #22166450 - 08/30/15 08:28 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

id say dont go


--------------------
FREE BURKE


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OfflineBabydoll Zamnza
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Female

Registered: 08/10/15
Posts: 17
Loc: California, USA, San Jose
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: Mescalean]
    #22169025 - 08/31/15 12:52 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I am spiritual, not religious.
I used to be very spiritual until the person I wanted to be loyal to convinced me that my years of studying were for nought. They basically told me that everything I chose to believe in was a waste of my time and I wasn't even considered a human being for thinking that there was more to life than visuals and tactile experiences.

Please stop saying that my relationships with my family can be amended, you are basically telling me that I can kill myself.

I guess mushroom gathering was never supposed to be my thing.


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
High on Spite
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Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: Babydoll Zamnza]
    #22170096 - 08/31/15 05:12 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I didn't say your relationships could be mended, I just think you are not giving the whole picture here, and lots of us are going to have a hard time understanding your circumstances without more context.  I wouldn't encourage someone who has an abusive family to go back to them, but you've indicated no such thing the only clue we have is that you had to end all your relationships once you pursued this relationship with the guy who you are now trying to avoid.

Going to mushroom gatherings is definitely not my thing either :tongue: and it sounds like the people you were with are no good.

Honestly your attitude kinda reminds me of someone coming out of a cult.  You should be able to feel like you can make it on your own, everybody deserves that and if someone made you feel otherwise they were wrong.  Just try to be yourself and spend alot of time thinking about what you want to do in your life, and I think everything will work out for you.


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OfflineBabydoll Zamnza
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Female

Registered: 08/10/15
Posts: 17
Loc: California, USA, San Jose
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: moonrockmushy]
    #22174575 - 09/01/15 03:57 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

"Abusive" is not the word I would choose.

Everyone at the gathering was a genuine and awesome person. He was the only truly awful person.

I don't want to give context because that would affect your decision, it would make the answers biased.


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
High on Spite
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Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: Babydoll Zamnza]
    #22174927 - 09/01/15 05:40 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Well I was referring to your previous relationships.  Cutting all ties and being totally on your own with no support system is kind of drastic to me, and if that environment was not good for you then I understand leaving.  It's your business, I'm just trying to understand where you are coming from.  Even though people at a mushroom gathering might seem genuine and awesome, I find that people are pretty much the same wherever you go; they are bound to be wrapped up in their own lives and have the same basic problems as everyone else.  You've got to look out for yourself first, because chances are those people will not be there when you really need them.

If you're going to run away from everyone in your life in pursuit of romance, fun, and adventure, you'll be left feeling isolated and alone, which makes you more vulnerable.  I hate to say it like this, but depending on people who are heavily into psychedelics is just foolish in my opinion.  Having people in your life that are more grounded in reality might not be as exciting, but it will be better in the long haul because they will be able to offer you more stable and sensible support, which is something everyone needs.

It definitely sounds like this guy was not a suitable partner for you.  You're doing good it sounds like.  Just be patient and do healthy things that you enjoy, and try to think and explore options to achieve things in your life that you want to do.  That's all there is to it, and even though it might always be a struggle, if you are always practicing things like patience and balance in your life I think you will find that you will not only encounter more people who are like-minded and appreciate you for who you are, you will be in a position where you can help others which I think is the ultimate joy in life that can't really be topped.

I'm totally biased already :wink: take everything I say with a grain of salt.  In the end it is all up to you and I am just here struggling to get by for myself.


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Invisible4HO-DMT
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Registered: 01/11/11
Posts: 5,073
Loc: County Line Road
Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: Babydoll Zamnza]
    #22174999 - 09/01/15 05:59 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Sounds like you have some soul searching to do before you dive into a trip. Sort out what is going on in your life before going to a gathering.


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OfflineBabydoll Zamnza
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Female

Registered: 08/10/15
Posts: 17
Loc: California, USA, San Jose
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: 4HO-DMT]
    #22196873 - 09/06/15 11:47 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I DIDN'T LEAVE. I WAS LEFT BEHIND.

Why does everyone think that I chose to make my life worse? That I chose to leave the support system I was given?
NO
It was taken from me.

Soul searching? I've already done that! That's why I was on the fence about going!
And now, I think I won't go because the last time I was there the friend I was with made it a living hell! All I can remember from that trip was how much of a hell he made it for me, how nice everyone else was, and mushrooms.

Please do not project your own problems into my problem. It no longer makes your answer unbiased and becomes invalid.

Soul searching. Don't be stupid. I love the way I am and I dislike anyone who thinks I need to change.


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OfflineBitter Cactus
reformed bad boy
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Registered: 01/26/12
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Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: Babydoll Zamnza]
    #22196879 - 09/06/15 11:49 AM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Babydoll Zamnza said:
I DIDN'T LEAVE. I WAS LEFT BEHIND.

Why does everyone think that I chose to make my life worse? That I chose to leave the support system I was given?
NO
It was taken from me.

Soul searching? I've already done that! That's why I was on the fence about going!
And now, I think I won't go because the last time I was there the friend I was with made it a living hell! All I can remember from that trip was how much of a hell he made it for me, how nice everyone else was, and mushrooms.

Please do not project your own problems into my problem. It no longer makes your answer unbiased and becomes invalid.

Soul searching. Don't be stupid. I love the way I am and I dislike anyone who thinks I need to change.




:underage:


--------------------
Taking acid and thinking you are a better man is a lot different then actually becoming a better man.




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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
High on Spite
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Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: Babydoll Zamnza]
    #22197185 - 09/06/15 01:08 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Please do not project your own problems into my problem. It no longer makes your answer unbiased and becomes invalid.




I'm not sure what your intent with this thread was, but it sounds like you have all the answers yourself, and don't need our help.

Best wishes!


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Invisible4HO-DMT
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Registered: 01/11/11
Posts: 5,073
Loc: County Line Road
Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: Babydoll Zamnza]
    #22202032 - 09/07/15 01:07 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Babydoll Zamnza said:
I DIDN'T LEAVE. I WAS LEFT BEHIND.

Why does everyone think that I chose to make my life worse? That I chose to leave the support system I was given?
NO
It was taken from me.

Soul searching? I've already done that! That's why I was on the fence about going!
And now, I think I won't go because the last time I was there the friend I was with made it a living hell! All I can remember from that trip was how much of a hell he made it for me, how nice everyone else was, and mushrooms.

Please do not project your own problems into my problem. It no longer makes your answer unbiased and becomes invalid.

Soul searching. Don't be stupid. I love the way I am and I dislike anyone who thinks I need to change.



:smugjerry:


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OfflineBabydoll Zamnza
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Registered: 08/10/15
Posts: 17
Loc: California, USA, San Jose
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
Re: Fighting with Myself [Re: 4HO-DMT]
    #22218150 - 09/10/15 06:41 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Thanks everyone for helping me deciding.

I am not going to go unless I have a good looking fuck buddy.


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