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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 45,414
Loc: Under the C
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Soul Shock
#22112680 - 08/19/15 03:54 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Yes folks, another thread on my ongoing issues. Is my life-changing encounter with a stranger (not a crush or infatuation) totally explained by brain chemistry? If so, what caused it? Why this woman and not the previous 50 dates if it was just releasing old memories and grief? I have had a few one-night stands since my break-up with no emotional crash.
Here is some more mystical mumbo-jumbo that closely matches my feelings/experiences:
If you’ve met someone who’s changed you forever
If you love someone so much you realize you just weren’t alive before them
If you’ve met someone who’s awakened you to the unbelievable beauty of existence
If you’ve met someone who is more you than even you are (didn't feel this one)
If you miss someone so much you can’t even conceive of existing without them
If you've lost someone and it feels like your soul left with them then read on…
When someone you have a deep connection with suddenly pulls away, the dis-connect leaves you feeling as if your soul has left your body, like an empty shell. You just can’t get back to reality and you can feel as if you simply exist.
This experience is similar to grieving the death of a loved one and I know many counselors, at least those who accept and understand connections, who will treat this pain in the same way as a bereavement.
What we're talking about here is not a conventional emotional relationship. A soul connection is the most powerful soul level connection with someone and when separations like this occur you just can't "get over it" or "move on" however hard you try. Many people can't eat sleep or work for a long time, a lot end up on medication and in counseling.
And one more. This one is almost exactly what I experienced/am experiencing:
Twin Flame
-The first thing about a twin flame connection is that meeting them feels like you have met God. This is not just a metaphor or symbolic for how great you feel, this is an actual occurrence where you meet the creator of the universe and all life inside yourself. There is nothing more holy. This connection is completely spiritual and you become consumed and burned up with divine love. You will feel it not just physically but emotionally, mentally and religiously too. You will want to worship them as you see your perfect godself reflected back at you.
-You are in an initial state of bliss, you often cannot think or even move for hours on end each day, and this lasts for a long time, making you incapable of functioning and continuing life at a normal rate. You feel like you're in a bubble of incredible energy where time and the rest of the world doesn't exist. You spend most of your time spaced out on what feels like ecstasy, tons of chemicals are released in your body and you are flying on an incredibly intense high. It is literally like being drugged up and often consecutive sick days are needed to be taken from work.
-Whether you were spiritual or not before, suddenly you are and everything in the entire universe makes sense. There is perfect order and you realise and understand everything about life. It is like being given a key to the book of life and all the secrets pour into your mind. There is nothing hidden any longer, you are one with all life and you cry uncontrollably in wonder and joy at everything that has been revealed to you. You feel like destiny really does exist after all.
-After the bliss stage you go through such an incredible purging that you feel like you had taken a trip to heaven and then were plunged into hell. Again this is not symbolic or exaggerated, this is actually how it feels. You face everything inside yourself, all the old habits, baggage and negativity you didn't realize was still there. You are faced with your unconscious self and forced to feel it, deal with it, and release it. Nothing can remain shrouded or hidden in darkness.
My mood swings are lessening, but the extreme sense of loss lingers and it is almost unbearable. My shrink simply calls it a fixation. Friends ask what if we got together and she turned out to be more psycho than I am? Doesn't matter. I would literally lay down my life for this stranger and would still marry her tomorrow if the door reopened.
Confused in Conclusionland
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Sun King



Registered: 02/15/14
Posts: 4,069
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I prescribe a ride on the soul train.
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falcon



Registered: 04/01/02
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Last seen: 19 hours, 48 minutes
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zZZz
jesus


Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
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i've experienced this at least 4 times in my life..
i dont think it was simple brain chemistry either..
something really deep happened..
u dont just meet someone for a couple of minutes and they end up changing ur life forever just from a simple glance..
sadly i never pursued it any further, but i will always wonder, what if?..
perhaps i just wasnt ready for it..
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Tropism
ChasingTail


Registered: 09/12/09
Posts: 2,039
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Re: Soul Shock [Re: falcon]
#22112972 - 08/19/15 04:47 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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That twin flames bit sums up an experience I had with my ex on lsd. Almost to the tee. We have both gone over how silly it is to say aloud but in a few moments during a loving embrace we both were convinced we met God, and believe it as much as one can given the circumstances.
My heart has never given her up and would still believe she is the only one despite being a loving relationship at the moment.
It is a shame and in the time spent shortly after our break up (and also further down the road as it comes in waves that spread further and futher apart yet never cease) I was in a state that reminds me much of yours.
There is a feeling of mistake and shame, and while mine was ending the relationship (an act that to this day confuses me) or yours spilling yourself too rapidly and scaring her away (or so I thought you had said) I'm not sure if they're related or even matter but put a pin I'm that because they might.
The next step is the dilemma you're in now I would wager. As someone who had also never really believed or felt that kind of love the proper intellectual discourse is that of your last through threads: looking through the rubble to see if our biochemistry is prankin us or some other such past-related behavior.
The final step I've never gone past is the incessant longing and chiming away that maybe love stories aren't all bullshit or that some have been true, and the wonder if this is the closing-opportunity to do something important and fight for the one you love. The dilemma is then the fear that you'll fight and he'll even WIN but in the end it really was some projection of a mixed up psychology or what not. That's where pull that pin off the board and we're stuck with our will in one hand and our fear and shame in the other.
I don't know my friend, I certainly didn't write this post because I have a solution but more because I feel ya. It's rough. But hey since you barely know each other anyways I would personally love to see you go for a three-point romantic gesture. For better or worse.
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 45,414
Loc: Under the C
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Re: Soul Shock [Re: Tropism]
#22113049 - 08/19/15 05:05 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Thanks all for sharing your stories and commiserating with me.
There is no romantic gesture to be made.
Her last words to me on the phone were "I can't wait to see you in the fall!"
Then after me dumping a ton of crazy in her lap vie e-mail, her last written words wee "Don't ever contact me again!"
Not much wiggle room there before the restraining order is filed. I am handcuffed with no place to go except to find a substitute. I signed onto a dating website as per my shrink's request, but have no interest.
At least I am getting in great shape. My only "plan" - and lord knows I need one - is to one day show-off my physical transformation and say "Hey, this is nothing compared to my emotional transformation." The funny thing is, she was perfectly fine with my lumpier self, so it may mean nothing.
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Tropism
ChasingTail


Registered: 09/12/09
Posts: 2,039
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Hmm, well then sorry for the misunderstanding there, in my imagination that door was still open which I've only found creates more problems internally. In this case though your therapist may be correct in that it is a fixation, but it is the nature of human beings and not specifically negative, the tragedy is when our fixation ends on a loss but you happen to be in luck that you seems to be an individual that will find something to take away from it. Never know what's ahead in the road, a shitty experience might have kick started your heart just in time to lead to something else by the end. Optimism ain't my shtick but I recognize I can't walk through a door I'm ignoring as a possibility. Hang in there man.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Soul Shock [Re: Tropism] 1
#22113556 - 08/19/15 06:54 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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My turn to share in the collective grieving OC. Just as you and Trop have felt those 'Twin Flame' experiences, so did I with my wife. And just as described in the OP, it was nothing short of divine. Bliss, connection, feeling high on life, etc - it all resonates so deeply with me as to how it once was.
And now she's gone so far off the rails I don't know if I'll ever get her back again. She's in rehab for the next 3 weeks for her alcoholism and I don't know who I'm gonna be meeting when she comes out. She's a broken woman and she's (I think subconsciously) tried in every way to sabotage our relationship. There's literally nothing left she could do to push me away. My mind is telling me there's a 50/50 chance from here on out, and so many have commended me on doing the right thing, although I don't really know what my heart is saying right now. I don't think it's recovered from the damage that's been done.
My practices I've developed over the years have kept me strong and moving forward, but if it were not for my sheer determination in the face of adversity which is, by some blessing, a part of my character I think I'd have collapsed by now.
Like you OC, I never figured a woman would have captured my heart and soul in such an esoteric manner. But she did. And for 2 years it was bliss. But the damage to my life that has followed has been insurmountable.
I guess there's only one thing that one can take from an experience like this. To endure and to grow.
p.s - all this Twin Flame stuff that's been coming up seems to only exist to then cause massive pain. Does that kinda feeling ever last for anyone?
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Sun King



Registered: 02/15/14
Posts: 4,069
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Quote:
OrgoneConclusion said: Thanks all for sharing your stories and commiserating with me.
There is no romantic gesture to be made.
Her last words to me on the phone were "I can't wait to see you in the fall!"
Then after me dumping a ton of crazy in her lap vie e-mail, her last written words wee "Don't ever contact me again!"
Not much wiggle room there before the restraining order is filed. I am handcuffed with no place to go except to find a substitute. I signed onto a dating website as per my shrink's request, but have no interest.
At least I am getting in great shape. My only "plan" - and lord knows I need one - is to one day show-off my physical transformation and say "Hey, this is nothing compared to my emotional transformation." The funny thing is, she was perfectly fine with my lumpier self, so it may mean nothing.
I'm trying to convert my lesbian neighbor. It's all going to end badly, so just wait. I'll be able to share some misery later.
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 45,414
Loc: Under the C
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Why don't you just become a Caitlin? Problem solved!
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 45,414
Loc: Under the C
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I have some small inkling of what you are going through as I lived with an alcoholic woman for three years. The BIG difference was - I was never in love with her. We were best racquetball buddies for like a long time, yet I had zero interest in her romantically. She was super-fit and an ex-gymnast.
One day, a make friend said "Why don't you ask Cheryl out?" I replied "Are you kidding? We are as different as night and day!" Even though I am a shroomer, Cheryl was all punked out, with dyed spikey hair, tats and piercings and part of her head shaved, whereas I am very conservative.
One night after we paired up on the courts, kicking ass on all male team challengers, we were feeling pretty good and she suggested we go get a drink. In five years we had never did anything outside the court. We both got drunk and frisky and ending up literally fucking for two days, both of us calling in to work sick. We moved in together shortly thereafter.
Flash forward a few years. Cheryl is out partying EVERY night and coming home totally wasted. Zero doubt she is cheating on me. She wonders why she is failing college - duh!
One night I wake up in a giant pool of her piss. She is practically comatose as I cannot wake her. I am terrified and wonder if I should call 911. I say nothing the next day figuring she will be embarrassed, but no! A month later I get the repeat swimming pool in bed. Yech!
I said flatly "Seek help or I am leaving!" She blamed me for her drinking (I was never abusive in any way.) so I packed up and moved as soon as I could and never looked back.
Dude, I hope you find some way to sever the tie as you will likely drown with her.
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White Beard

Registered: 08/13/11
Posts: 6,325
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Quote:
OrgoneConclusion said:
Then after me dumping a ton of crazy in her lap vie e-mail, her last written words wee "Don't ever contact me again!"
Not much wiggle room there before the restraining order is filed.
Just say your troublesome teenage nephew got on your email and pulled a prank on you.
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 45,414
Loc: Under the C
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Manipulation and deceit are the cornerstones of a solid relationship.
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White Beard

Registered: 08/13/11
Posts: 6,325
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Hey, now you get it! I think you two will be alright.
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viktor
psychotechnician



Registered: 11/03/10
Posts: 4,293
Loc: New Zealand
Last seen: 1 year, 9 months
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Is it possible that you're an extremely shallow and vacuous human being, and so your first real emotional experience with another person made you shit yourself on account of emotional immaturity?
-------------------- "They consider me insane but I know that I am a hero living under the eyes of the gods."
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sprinkles
otd president


Registered: 10/13/12
Posts: 21,527
Loc: washington state
Last seen: 3 years, 16 days
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sounds like addiction to me rather than soul mate malarkey. Just my opinion, which means nothing.
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 45,414
Loc: Under the C
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Me, too, but why now, why this one out of the thousands of women I have met? I am still trying to make sense of it.
It is the first time in 60 years that I felt like home. This was not lust or puppy love. Not saying I buy the soul nonsense, but my shrink just leaves it at "you had a massive dopamine spike". This imprinted the night and the woman at the deepest level. He has no explanation, just current evaluation based on brain chemical balance.
Perhaps I will never understand and just have to leave it under the unexplained file.
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sprinkles
otd president


Registered: 10/13/12
Posts: 21,527
Loc: washington state
Last seen: 3 years, 16 days
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excuse me, did you just say 60 years?
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 45,414
Loc: Under the C
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Yes. Is it a sin to get old or just to get old on The Shroomery?
That is the thing. I totally gave up on romance and dating long ago. And then this super-fine babe, young enough to be my daughter, makes a play for me and I have an emotional collapse. My first ever episode. No history of mental illness and my shrink says it is unlikely to reoccur.
All of the crap from my entire life, I vomited at once. Suddenly, I was struggling to survive, drowning, in fact, and grabbed on to her as a lifeline. The perfect setup for a second date. 
My serotonin levels were so low, I am lucky I didn't do something even more stupid. Doc, sez it was not my fault and that my anxiety and fear was to be expected.
Was it? Dunno. It is the old "Which came first?" question.
All I know is that there is now an emptiness I never knew existed.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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I find it interesting that you said this:
Quote:
OrgoneConclusion said: Dude, I hope you find some way to sever the tie as you will likely drown with her. 
After you said this:
Quote:
OrgoneConclusion said: Friends ask what if we got together and she turned out to be more psycho than I am? Doesn't matter. I would literally lay down my life for this stranger and would still marry her tomorrow if the door reopened.
Is it a case that it is easier to be objective because my situation is not your own or are you not taking onboard how similarly our souls were captured by a woman?
Also, in your reading that you have done, have you ever heard of one of these 'Twin Flame' experiences working out in the long run? I'm really curious about this...
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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