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Anonymous #1

Struggling with sexuality
    #22097513 - 08/16/15 04:14 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

It's a pretty long story so i'll go from the beginning

In a few recent trips, the inherent sexual side that is suppressed in the modern human psyche has shown itself to me and what it is capable of, when the line between fantasy and reality begins to get blurry and someone who is like family to you begins to dissolve their borders and bring it down to the basic male-female attraction, and from this, I've realized many sexual experiences could happen on a trip that one could later come to regret, yet in the moment it could be enticingly erotic, even male-male or female-female... or anything in between really. Something i've attributed to the carnal and sexual nature that is a part of the psychedelic experience.

During my last trip a month or so ago, I had my first ever serious think about my sexuality, a train of thought stemming from that previous uncovering. I've always thought of myself as straight, never found males attractive in a sexual way, even after fooling around with a mate at.. 4? 5? (which is normal for kids, right?), but this time it was different, like one big huge question mark, and it had a very profound effect on me, and stayed in my mind.

So this weekend I went out with some mates to a local club, I wasn't in the greatest of moods and couldn't just 'snap' myself into party mode, so I left the club and waited for a taxi.
Whilst waiting out the front, I started up conversation with a man of about 50 who was also waiting on a taxi.
Me: "How are you tonight mate?"
Him: "good, yourself?"
Me: it's been a rough one.
-intense eye contact-
Him: You're gay aren't you?

Bla bla bla skip a lot of the details, we got along like a house on fire, I have never met someone who I have gelled with like that in my entire life, we navigated each other's minds like a jungle gym, 5 conversations going at once type of thing, i'm sure someone gets it...
Anyway, my time with this bloke was spent talking about a large number of very deep and personal things that I can't exactly recall, but upon parting ways he gave me a huge amount of things to stew over, namely an internal debate about my sexuality. Our similarity was very uncanny, and the fact that he was adamant about trying to... 'help'? me with my sexuality crisis stuck with me, "if he thought so... maybe he was right, and I'm just blind?" kind of thinking.

So I walk to the train station, and find myself with a 45 minute wait til the next train. Sitting down, minding my own business, and I end up striking up conversation with one of the late night cleaners there, another dude in his 50's. Very coincidentally (almost suspiciously?) we get along just as well as I did with previously said bloke, and again, we end up discussing quite deep and personal things, including the sexuality crisis that I was now undergoing since being so well 'read' by the first bloke, something he also picked up on.

He basically goes through the same sort of things with me, gives me some insight as to why my father has always been such a homophobe (running from something?), tells me about himself and how it took him 30 years to realize his sexuality, but what resonated with me most of all was the way he described myself to me. Someone chained to a wall that will tear them down if they can't backflip off of it.

Now, take all of this, a young man who has always considered himself straight stumbles upon something he never thought worth questioning. A lot of people, mostly women, especially from my early teens onward, have 'wished I were gay' as they put it, but again, I never gave it a second thought because i've always found women and womanly figures attractive, the male figure is in no way attractive to me. Taking stock of this, it's easy to dismiss it the lot and say i'm overthinking it, but somehow meeting those two blokes and gaining the insight that I did from that night, it has stuck with me, like a barb on a hook, it's designed to not become unstuck.

I'm not necessarily looking for advice here, more so opinions, comments, stories about yourself, just anything to help ease the mental torture it feels like I'm going through. I don't want to be gay, it's not on my agenda, never has been, never will be. I'm not attracted to men or a manly figure, yet this barb stays stuck in my brain.

I know this shit is long, and most won't give it the time of day, but I've got nobody else to talk about this stuff with, and where better to get insight than from members of the shroomery?

Try not to give me this heaps funny 'shrooms make you gay' joke, i'd rather a serious reply, cheers.


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Invisiblebasqueshaman
Todays scapegoat
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Registered: 04/01/11
Posts: 6,258
Loc: Washington State Flag
Re: Struggling with sexuality [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22097537 - 08/16/15 04:39 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

The whole shrooms make you gay joke is due to mushrooms openings of the mind.  Not everyone is gay but on the same note not everyone who is gay wants to admit that they could be.  I honestly don't like the term gay even though it's slang is dirived from the fact that the person is happy that they are honest with themselves. Look it's possible you have finally opened up the idea of finding someone attractive and having sex with them regardless of the body they have.  If that's the case I guess you never thought about if it was possible and answered your self honesty.  Every single person is different. I just wish you happyness and peace. I guess you will never know unless you give it a try.  Me my self have no interest in male companionship due to the fact im more vested in a whole experience witch includes sex.


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,672
Re: Struggling with sexuality [Re: basqueshaman]
    #22097598 - 08/16/15 05:31 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

I don't want to be gay, it's not on my agenda, never has been, never will be. I'm not attracted to men or a manly figure, yet this barb stays stuck in my brain.



There you have it. Being gay (or more likely, bisexual in your case) isn't about it 'being on your agenda.' It's not a matter of choice, mate. If you're gay or bi, that's just the way it is and you're not going to change much about it. All you can do is explore your sexuality and/or decide to not pursue certain aspects of it. But you can't change who you are.

I would encourage you to find out who you are and what makes you tick. Forget about the social hangups or whatever mental image you have of gay or bisexual people. Your potentially being gay or bi doesn't mean you need to become how you think other gay/bi people are. If it's what you are, it's just an aspect to your otherwise unchanged personality.

I understand this may be a confusing phase for you to go through, but don't let that hold you back. I'm convinced you'll come out a happier person if you know how your sexuality works. The process of finding out can be stressful at times, but you'll find it can also be hugely satisfying and bring you great happiness.


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: Struggling with sexuality [Re: basqueshaman]
    #22097614 - 08/16/15 05:44 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

A very interesting account man, I appreciate you sharing it with us. Sounds like a very confusing place to be.

I can relate somewhat. I've always been undeniably straight, and have fooled around with girls since I was about 7. I'm a very masculine male who finds the female form intensely attractive, and I've always hugely enjoyed sex with women. I can recognize a good looking man but I don't find men in any way sexually attractive and am turned off by the very thought of having sex with another man.

However, in as little as the past year I have had the occasional thought about how well I get on with men, compared to how difficult I find the female psyche to get along with (for the most part) - every woman I've ever been in a relationship with has been a 'tom boy' to some extent and when it comes to very feminine minded women I'm pretty much at a loss to understand or relate to them.

Since the woman I decided to commit my entire life to has actually caused me so much pain and difficulty over the past year, I can see why I've had these thoughts; I've actually thought how nice it might be to have the 'best of both worlds', i.e - a post op transexual (indistinguishable from a real female). It's not something I think is ever gonna happen in my lifetime and I see it somewhat as a flight of fancy to escape from my current difficulties, but the thoughts are undeniably there none the less. I have looked at transexuals when looking at pornography from time to time also, and am turned on by them only as long as you can see no visual resemblance to the masculine body they once had.

So yeah, I feel ya man. It's a fucking crazy world but the inside of our heads are sometimes even crazier (as in more full of turmoil). No one knows what's right other than you, and it sounds like you need time and a ton of soul searching to figure that one out. No matter what, I wish you all the best, and some peace and love to go with it. I'd really appreciate if you could keep us updated as to where your thoughts take you!


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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Anonymous #1

Re: Struggling with sexuality [Re: koraks]
    #22097657 - 08/16/15 06:13 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

That's the thing, from both of your input (which I thank you both immensely for :smile:) I'm not necessarily willing to explore this side of me, I don't want to. I don't feel like I should need to,I've never questioned my sexuality before, or 'just known', and Im quite repulsed by the thought of getting with a manly man, Knowmsayin'?

On that same note, sure I could go out and explore with feminine gays or even transgender, but what would be the point? Women are feminine enough for me, I don't need or want feminine men, and any penis but my own touching any part of my body is definitely, DEFINITELY not on the cards, it's part of why my head space is so confused.

@jokeshopbeard you just about hit the nail on the head with the first half of your post, I'd say I'm pretty similar, and part of that (especially not being able to understand or relate to a very feminine minded woman) is another contributing factor to my confused head space. They're the kinda women everybody's chasing, big tit long legged blond with a big arse that screams in bed and loves the colour pink (you know what I mean). I can't even feign interest in such women, not even superficial idle chit chat.


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,672
Re: Struggling with sexuality [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22097666 - 08/16/15 06:18 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Well, the confusion must come from somewhere. I'm not trying to put words into your mouth (and certainly not dicks), but you brought it up yourself! Exploring the issue may result in the realization that you're very very straight. It may also result in your repulsion from sex with men eroding; perhaps it's just your mental image and upbringing that drives you away from it. Thing is, most straight men never really question their sexuality or feel conflicted by it. If you are feeling that way, then odds are that there's something going on, however limited it is.


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: Struggling with sexuality [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22097674 - 08/16/15 06:24 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
any penis but my own touching any part of my body is definitely, DEFINITELY not on the cards



This made me laugh. That is EXACTLY how I feel.

Quote:

Anonymous said:
big tit long legged blond with a big arse that screams in bed and loves the colour pink (you know what I mean). I can't even feign interest in such women, not even superficial idle chit chat.



Likewise is this. So it seems we can relate even more so. Like I say, the only way I've managed to overcome this difficulty is finding women who are on the more masculine side of the spectrum when it comes to the way they think. But I have to admit, even that is a compromise, as am still often confused by the way women think.

It's been an interesting discovery to realise that all of us, much like anything else, exist on a spectrum. In this case, between male and female, regardless of the body we were born into. Perhaps you need to do as I have, and just focus on finding a woman who thinks more like a man. It'll ease your suffering significantly, I'm sure. My wife is pretty much there in most ways, but she has a lot of issues along with it. But, thank fuck, she has no interest in 'superficial idle chit chat' and can talk deep with me all day long.

There's still a great balance of polarity to keep me interested. Outwardly, she looks like a princess, and loves rainbows, and is slightly bi. And outwardly, I look like a tattooed, muscled thug. But when we meet on an intellectual and emotional level, we're right there.

Like anything man, it's probably a case of compromise!!


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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Anonymous #1

Re: Struggling with sexuality [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #22097744 - 08/16/15 06:56 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

@koraks Haha, of course mate, it's why I made the post, already just from the 3 people that have replied the torment on my mind has eased considerably. It's good to be able to talk to people about it, because even if I am just being a bullheaded bi that can't tear down his wall, or a youngin' that's confused for one reason or another, you're all still helping me hit the bullseye.



@jokeshopbeard tell you what man... those women are few and far between. I recently had a breakup with my first serious girlfriend, we had a good couple of years. Great woman, had the 'Tom boy' attitude, just wasn't intellectually stimulating enough. So far from plain Jane yet so close that I just couldn't stay with her. I considered turning her onto psychedelics a couple of times, and she showed interest, but there were a couple of red flags that went up and her psyche seemed a little too fragile for that door to be opened as of yet.

Alas, the cruelty of life. Glad I could give you a laugh mate.


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: Struggling with sexuality [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22097791 - 08/16/15 07:20 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Just keep at it man. My first serious girlfriend was a massive Tom boy, all about sex, raving & drugs, but not really intellectually stimulating. Smoking hot though. My second was deeply spiritual, still up for a good party (as I was at that stage), still smoking hot, but we clashed badly as she was quite feminine in a lot of ways. My third serious relationship (there were quite a few short term ones in between these three) is with my wife, who isn't classically smoking hot (like I said, she looks like a princess) but who meets me on an intellectual level so perfectly and, whilst very delicate and feminine on the outside, is very much not on the inside.

It sounds to me like you should focus on finding those 'few and far between' women. They're definitely out there, and it sounds like that is what would suit you the most. I know you might have to go through a fair few to find the ones you need, but it'll be worth it in the long run. With the sheer number of people out there in this world, you're bound to find the one that suits you (almost) perfectly eventually.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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InvisibleLackToast
Stranger
Registered: 08/28/10
Posts: 217
Re: Struggling with sexuality [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #22098616 - 08/16/15 12:24 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I'm curious as to how the conversation lead to you're father running away from something.

In all honesty it sounds like you may be a little eccentric, or fruity if you will. But you still like women. Youre also probably very submissive and don't mesh well with feminine women or bimbos.

Could it be that you're just getting very lonely and your not being satisfied sexually nor intellectually,  and therefore as these supposed moments or blurry lines that you're having are just signs that youre willing to make compromises to make those happen.

Your making connections with older men, you have thoughts in your head about the human sexual psyche, and your probably reading too much into a lot of newfound experiences and thoughts youre having.

You could totally be gay and are dening it, but it sounds more like you're doing this to yourself.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Struggling with sexuality [Re: LackToast]
    #22099236 - 08/16/15 03:46 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I'm not exactly sure to be honest. It was a matter of putting puzzle pieces together.

Haha! Yeah, I'd describe myself as eccentric, so would others. But I wouldn't call myself submissive. I've always had quite a dominating personality, and it wasn't until dabbling with psychedelics that I didn't want to be the dominator, I wanted to be the co-existor, if that makes sense. It's funny you mention that though, the first bloke I met described me as eccentric,  and then went on to tell me that I'm a bitch, and then promptly changed to calling me a wanker after a bit of a stand-off.

Yeah, I've been lonely a long while. I lost all of my friends throughout my relationship, which were superficial anyway. I'm a bit of an introvert, not all that keen on a party, and I meet very few people that can match me intellectually or academically... As wanker-ish as that sounds, it's the truth. I'm sure it applies to a lot of shroomery members.

I agree, it does sound like I'm doing it to myself. That's why I described it as a mental torture, because for the first time in a long time it feels like I can't trust my brain. I was hitting the psych's a little too frequently the past few months and developed minor psychotic symptoms, which as a result has thrown my brain pretty haywire in terms of how far I can truly trust my own thoughts and such.


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InvisibleSophistic Radiance
Free sVs!
Female

Registered: 07/11/06
Posts: 43,135
Loc: Center of the Universe
Re: Struggling with sexuality [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22099989 - 08/16/15 07:02 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

It's been a long and painful struggle for me to come to terms with my sexuality. I suffered a LOT from repression, and developed serious problems such as drug addiction to cope, and a worsening depression and emotional instability as I became overwhelmed by the sense of hopelessness. Coming out was hard the first time I did it but I had to do it many times because living out seemed impossibly terrifying to me. But that feeling of everything being "right" when I acknowledged my trans ness and went out presenting as a female was undeniable. I'd already acknowledged that I was trans to myself before I started doing that and it was a big step. It was such a wonderful feeling when I did my clothes and makeup the first time and saw such a feminine reflection in the mirror. It's such a magical feeling, suddenly feeling so right and actually wanting to be seen, no longer wishing to just hide under a rock and die.

As others have said, it's natural when you're in the closet to think of being gay as a choice, because in effect, you are going around and "choosing" to be straight every day. In reality, your sexuality is not a choice, you'd only be choosing to sacrifice your health and happiness in order to seem more acceptable to others.

That's obviously a different thing than what you are going through, but I would imagine it's similar, you'll just "feel right" when you're involved with a guy, if that is your sort of thing. It's also possible that you are bisexual. You say that you are not attracted to male figures, but I think it is fairly common, even for bisexual people, to be more attracted to the appearance of women and more attracted to the felt "presence" and actions of a man. I've never been with a man but I feel the same way, women are sexy, men are not. All the same I'm very curious about having an affair with a man and finding out what the sex is like. :blush: But what attracts me to men is not so much their appearance (though it still does matter to some extent); it's their musk, their comfort level, and their apparent ability to give my ass a good pounding.

There is a lot more to sexuality than the sort of desire spurred by a person's visible figure... for example, if you are submissive and find yourself attracted to men, but not in the same way as to women, you might consider the possibility that you desire a different type of sex entirely when the object of your attraction is a man, i.e. to be the receptive partner or "the catcher". I have experienced sex from both positions and it feels completely different at every stage, from the first tingling of arousal to the post-coital relaxation. This also might just reflect my personal preference for receptive sex.

It's hard to say if this is a passing curiosity you are going through, or a confrontation with your hidden true nature. If you want my advice, you should go on a dating site like OKCupid and advertise yourself as bisexual. See if there are any other bi or gay men who strike you as attractive and shoot them a line. If it feels uncomfortable for you, you don't have to go any farther than that, you can either try another dude or just forget about it. But if it feels right, you might be onto something.


Edited by Sophistic Radiance (08/16/15 07:50 PM)


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Anonymous #1

Re: Struggling with sexuality [Re: Sophistic Radiance]
    #22100229 - 08/16/15 08:00 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I'll give a bit of an insight as to where my thoughts took me today...

I woke up in a very, very dark and depressive mood, couldn't look at people this morning, could hardly talk, just wasn't prepared to face the outside world, my mind was already running at 100km/h.

So I walked down to the lake and just sat there. Sat there and thought, soaked up nature and my surroundings, helped put my mind at ease. I did a bit of a test on myself where I turned to the right and imagined what I would deem to be desireable in a man sitting there, and then turned to the left and did the same for a woman. The best I could get from it was that I know for a fact I could get along much easier with a guy sitting next to me, much more at ease and know we both have male minds and a male thought process, which I found myself attracted to in a relatable way, not sexual nor platonic, yet when my thoughts went anywhere but from the psyche of it, it was an instant 'no'. When I turned to the side of the woman, I saw someone who attempts to understand my mind, but doesn't, and accepts that, yet is still prepared to love me. When my thoughts went past the psyche, my mind wasn't necessarily saying 'yes' nor was it saying 'no', it was more of a neutral feeling.

If it's worth anything to anyone, or helps to add a piece to the puzzle, My father left home when I was 5, I've barely seen him since I was 10 (once/twice a year max), and I grew up with a lesbian mother. Only recently I've realized how this has impacted me psychologically growing up, as much as I've always insisted it hasn't. Couldn't pinpoint exactly how, but I'm sure someone understands.

EDIT: not quite sure to make of the neutral feeling I had toward the woman. It could be a sign, or it could be a result of a loss of libido since Friday. :shrug:


Edited by Anonymous (08/16/15 08:08 PM)


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