Ok, I'm going to try to express everything as best that I can remember. Hopefully I doesn't get too corny and cliche with my descriptions. I will say before hand that this was the most beneficial trip that I've done so far.
So this was a 3.5g tea trip. The difference with the tea is it kicks in faster and accelerates to the peak of the trip faster. Some people don't like it because of how intense it can be. The peak ends after 90 minutes or so and everything becomes a lot more relaxing for the next 4-5 hours.
I drank the tea at 2 am. I turned the lights off, blindfolded myself, put on headphones playing the Icaros that are done during Ayahuasca ceremonies. I laid down in my bed and waited for it to kick in.
I mostly wanted to experience what it would be like in complete darkness. All of my other trips have been during the day. After my first trip, I'm always thinking about how different trips are in different settings. So I like to change it up a little every time.
After 15 minutes the visuals started to kick in a little. You see colors swirling in geometric patterns. You can't really focus on anything. You just have to kind of space out and let the visuals take over.
The blindfold was putting pressure on my eyes and it was starting to bother me so I eventually took it off. Same with the music. About 45 minutes into it I turned it off.
Looking at my walls and ceiling in the dark. With all of the colors and patterns swirling. It was pretty to see but it wasn't as overwhelmingly beautiful as during the day with the light shining.
Also in the dark I would see vague shapes and figures that would kind of make me a little uncomfortable.
I didn't really have a good trip at all for most of the peak. I had already taken mushrooms a couple of times this month so I knew what to expect. It was more familiar. Not as amazing and awesome and new. I had already learned a lot from my previous trips.
When you finally completely space out and the visions take over and you are gone, some people call this the ego death I think. You just exist. You flow with the universe and everything but that's all there is. Then eventually you come back.
I just felt really uncomfortable and confused and couldn't focus on anything. I remember asking myself why I was even doing this. I didn't go into this trip with a clear goal in mind. My ears were full of loud ringing. Like the start of this clip.
I wanted to turn my light on. It took me 15 minutes to force myself to get up to do it. The whole time I was thinking about my life. How I know that turning my light on would help me. That it would change my trip. That if I didn't my trip would be terrible the whole time. But that I still had to try really hard to convince myself to do it.
It paralleled a lot with my life. How I always seem to fuck up things by not doing what I need to do. Even if it is really simple. Even if it would greatly improve my life. Even if not doing it would greatly fuck up my life. All I had to do was get up and turn on the fucking light.
Eventually I was able to do it. So after turning on the light, the dark figures at least weren't there. The shadows couldn't mess with my mind as much. I laid back down for a few minutes. Then I got up to go to the bathroom. (It is really hard to get up and move. Think about the most drunk you've ever been. Yet your mind is racing.)
Coming back from the bathroom is when my trip shifted. Things got a little brighter and not so bad. I think the simple act of focusing hard enough to get up and go to the bathroom is enough of a distraction to change the way the trip is going.
After laying back down I started to think about people and myself and family. It's really weird. While tripping you can place yourself directly into their shoes and imagine what they think and see their perspectives. It's a really strong and powerful form of empathy.
It's really weird though. I wasn't thinking of them as people in human bodies. More like souls, or cosmic beings, just living out the role of being human. Just playing the part of human for a little while before moving on to something else. These are the things that are really hard to explain and express properly. I think if you trip though it is inevitable that you have these kinds of thoughts.
I think this is why most people that take psychedelics are always going on about "we are all one". It's hard to explain unless you trip for yourself and it takes your mind in that direction.
I started to think a lot about that. I was able to get to the we are all one conclusion in a previous trip. This time I also started acknowledge that we are also all separated. We are one consciousness fragmented into many different experiences. Human, animal, all living things, all experiencing the universe. I think realizing that is as important or more important than feeling as though we are all part of one consciousness.
People say that we are all going to elevate our consciousness and all be one and be connected with each other. I think we already are. I've heard the phrase said that "we are the universe experiencing itself". That makes a lot of sense to me.
It isn't experiencing itself as a single entity though. Like I said, the consciousness of the universe is fragmented into all of us. With all of our different perspectives and experiences adding to a collective whole.
During a previous trip when I was seeing this I started to get really sad at all the pain and evil in the world. Violence just didn't make sense at all. It is the same as hurting yourself. Why do that?
When your ego dies during your trip you are gone. Who you are is gone. You are just existing. There are no experiences, no perspective, no emotion, no thoughts, nothing. You're just there. No meaning. No point to it all. Just existing.
You exist the same way that a stone exists. The universe flowing around you like a river does the stone. Slowly grinding you down into nothing.
We could all be the consciousness of the universe. Created so that we can experience ourselves. So that the universe can feel the emotions and thoughts and experiences. And there is no point in experiencing everything through just one lense. That is why we are fragmented into the different perspectives of different people, and animals, and maybe even all things. Without the ego and without the perspectives of all of the different egos there is no point to the universe. It would just exist to exist.
Of course, there still could be no point to the universe anyways. But this is a nice way to think about things. And during the trip because of what you experience, this explanation actually makes some sense. Even if it sounds like a bunch of crazy gibberish.
These are the kind of ways that your mind wanders. I would be stuck thinking about this stuff and visualizing different things for what feels like hours, then look at the clock and see only 10 minutes had passed.
After those thoughts faded I turned my mind more inwards to myself. For the whole rest of the trip I felt amazing. I remember thinking that everything is super clear. No darkness. No negativity. No stress or anxiety. My body felt amazing. I was completely numb as if I was on a huge dose of pain killers. I felt like I was on morphine.
You have to understand that while I am feeling this way. I am still seeing really beautiful patterns and visuals swirling around on my ceiling.
I felt content. And like I said, clear. Refreshed. Like I was in a bubble. Everything was really bright. Like when you go into an operation room. I was super relaxed. Everything was ok.
I also remember feeling extremely lonely and sad. A very melancholy feeling. But I was feeling all of this at once. It's very hard to explain but all of this I felt at once.
I began to imagine someone like me existing. Or someone that I could be with. Imagining how they would accept me. I thought a lot about love. I felt love towards all of my friends and family and that is great but I didn't feel any warmth to it.
While I was feeling all of these feelings at once and while I was feeling amazing and awesome. There was still no warmth to any of it. That's the one thing that was missing.
I started to imagine myself as a star all alone in the darkness. A lone cosmic entity. I imagined how amazing it would be to share everything and be understood and to understand someone else so deeply. To "see" them like in the movie Avatar. Like what people would consider soulmates. I imagined having a partner. Another star. Coming together and forming a binary star system. A dance between cosmic entities lasting for all of eternity.
I imagined the warmth and how amazing that would feel. The feeling of your soul being wrapped in a warm blanket straight out of the dryer. That warmth doesn't exist for me.
It's possible that that will never happen. That there is nothing out there like that waiting for me. And that is very sad. But I guess it would be just another experience to add to the collective.
I rambled a lot for another couple of hours. My mind going over so much. A lot of if was really incoherent and made no sense at all. Next time I think I am going to record myself and just speak all of my thoughts that I'm having. Even then it would be really hard to express some of the things going on in my head during a trip. It would at least make a lot more sense than trying to put it into writing.
I felt so amazing and content and carefree. Like I said no negativity. I felt some sadness and a lot of loneliness but I didn't feel weighed down by any of it at all. I didn't feel any anxiety or fear. No anger or hatred. I just felt really good, and hopeful. And really grounded and reassured. Just a state of bliss. A lot of smiling and giggling. A lot of deep cleansing breathing.
And like I said before. During all of this you are seeing the most beautiful patterns on the walls.
My body felt amazing too for another few hours. Just so numb. No pain anywhere. No feeling anywhere. No tense muscles. Completely relaxed. I've never done morphine or heroin but I imagine it couldn't feel much better than how I was feeling.
And then I went to sleep.
So my question is though, where do I go from here? I'm kind of lost. Has anyone else had any similar experiences?
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