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Invisiblebirdeatingspider
Stranger in Paradise
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Registered: 12/18/14
Posts: 2,993
Loc: so many roads
Taking Aggressive Action
    #22071220 - 08/10/15 10:46 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I am completely fed up with my substance and alcohol abuse.  I have trashed everything good in my life, and let down those who tried helping.

So after binging on MXE and then relapsing with Heroin, then having my left eye get stuck staring to the left, I decided enough is enough. 

I messed up and had BTC left so ordered more MXE.  It has been ten days and it never showed.  I never lost a package before so instead of being freaked out I'm taking it as a sign. 

I blew up the picture I took when my eye was crooked and hung it on the wall so I can look at it every day when I need an escape.  Now reality is hitting closer to home than dissociation ever could.

My two aunts own a horse farm.  The older one beat lung cancer but it came back in her brain.  They cut out the tumor but now she's basically a vegetable.  She's still there but can't eat solids or talk or walk, has to heal and learn it all over again.

Once heard that the best way to be happy is to do service to others.  So I quit my job and I'm going to move to Texas to help her.  It's a better idea than rehab, there's no way in hell I'd screw this up.


I remember going to Camp Bisco many years ago.  There was this couple that I was camping next to and they were so spun on Ketamine that they couldn't even talk normal.  They were literally drooling on theirselves.
Just remember thinking how pointless and dumb their existence seemed.  Couldn't even hold a conversation and it seemed so far from anything I ever wanted for myself.  That was like 4 years ago.. Feel like I just snapped out of a M-Hole blinking looking dumbfounded in the mirror unable to recognize myself any longer.

Ready for a fresh start :cool:


--------------------

From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.


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Invisibleimpatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard
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Registered: 11/26/14
Posts: 5,054
Loc: USA
Re: Taking Aggressive Action [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #22071234 - 08/10/15 10:49 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Stick with it man! That sounds like a very good plan. Stay inspired!!!:thumbup:


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OfflinePed
Interested In Your Brain
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Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 08/30/99
Posts: 5,494
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
Re: Taking Aggressive Action [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #22071260 - 08/10/15 10:58 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Take it one day, one hour, one breath at a time.  There is no finish line to cross, and no destination to reach, only a series of moment-to-moment decisions which gradually culminate into a new and healthier normal.  If that MXE arrives, just flush it.  That might be a challenging thing to do, but it's a great way to reaffirm your intentions.  Finding ways to regularly reaffirm your intentions will help keep all that wind in your sails.  Wishing you the best!  :thumbup:


--------------------


:poison: Dark Triangles - New Psychedelic Techno Single - Listen on Soundcloud :poison:
Gyroscope full album available SoundCloud or MySpace


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Invisiblebirdeatingspider
Stranger in Paradise
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Registered: 12/18/14
Posts: 2,993
Loc: so many roads
Re: Taking Aggressive Action [Re: Ped]
    #22071742 - 08/10/15 01:21 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Thank you for the support.

I am identifying my triggers and it would seem that I cannot withstand boredom.  It's uplifting that my mind is still quite active so the challenge is staying busy.  Started wire wrapping a big piece and the repetitive, intricate weaving is doing justice.

Having a hard time meditating or 'just being', as I start dwelling and tbh am utterly disgusted with myself.  You are correct Ped, its a process and today I need distraction.  Affective or not, I'm coping.

The people in my life have heard it all before and don't care enough to be disappointed again.  But the encouraging words from y'all are on par with my attitude.
Thank you again:aum:


--------------------

From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.


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InvisibleLe_Canard
The Duk Abides


Registered: 05/16/03
Posts: 94,392
Loc: Earthfarm 1 Flag
Re: Taking Aggressive Action [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #22071901 - 08/10/15 01:59 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Going down there to take care of your poor aunt is a great idea, I think! GL.


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OfflinePed
Interested In Your Brain
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Registered: 08/30/99
Posts: 5,494
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Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
Re: Taking Aggressive Action [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #22071936 - 08/10/15 02:07 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

When I was coming off ketamine, keeping myself occupied was central to staying on course as well.  In my case, I soaked into my music, producing the album linked in my sig.  The album itself is an addiction story of sorts, most especially tracks 3-5.


--------------------


:poison: Dark Triangles - New Psychedelic Techno Single - Listen on Soundcloud :poison:
Gyroscope full album available SoundCloud or MySpace


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Invisiblebirdeatingspider
Stranger in Paradise
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Registered: 12/18/14
Posts: 2,993
Loc: so many roads
Re: Taking Aggressive Action [Re: Ped]
    #22102188 - 08/17/15 10:22 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

What a cool album and outlet, Ped- enjoyed listening to very much.

To update- The last straw was drawn.

I've been good minding my business and supplementing Kratom for caffeine with productive results.  Bags were packed.

The package did end up coming and I had it in my drawer sitting on it for days, paying no mind. 
My flight to TX to help aunt was supposed to be today, but the brain injury has complicated things.  Unable to speak or properly express herself she has been resorting to fits of rage directed towards her loved ones.  She also rebels and instead of drinking her liquid meals sneaks solid food which leads to choking.  Launches from her chair to walk and falls.
So my trip out is on hold until she is either able to regain some control of body or is compliant to accepting help. 

This leaves me suspended in the wings.  What now?

My 'last horah' i.e the 2g bag of MXE, was scheduled to be this last weekend.
People came over, I broke out some lines, tried it first then offered to friends.  All's well until my partner shows unexpectedly and finds out I've used.  The shit hits the fan, fur does fly.  Everyone clears out leaving him and I. 
He takes possession of MXE, is fuming, at wits end, my back was turned in avoidance.

Next thing I know he starts rambling, 'You want me to do it too, is that how it has to be?'. No, he is clean and successful, I'd never introduce this to him.  Unbeknownst to me, this one dumps out the contents of the baggie onto my kitchen table and divides into two lines, invites me to partake with him.  Hell no.  Not going there.  I hear the loudest most exaggerated snort-snorkle, turn around to see a dollar bill fall to the ground.  Walk over to the scene and look at the remaining cocaine sized line left.  He's pointing to it, telling me to go for it.
No. Way. In hell, you did not just do a line that large.. I denied it, didn't believe him, even laughed at the whole charade.  All until I see him start wobbling, upper body stiffening before looping into wide circles where he sat.  Fvkin' no way.

Rush upstairs, grab scale, hear crash, race downstairs and he is on the floor outstretched, back arched, and bicycling in circles, freaking out.

Called friends back for assistance, wasn't until their arrival that I was able to swipe the remaining powder onto scale.  Shuddering as I did so: .245mg for his first time.  Let's just say the night/into next day was one of the most trying experiences, flat out babysitting this man-child as he fought the near or actual ego death which ensued the entire trip.  I am still exhausted.  And so turned off, disgusted, sending out gratitude that it was MXE and not some other RC, that he wasn't a casualty. 

Enough -must- be enough.  watching over him, seeing and comparing precisely his attempts to function to my poor aunt recovering from brain surgery.  They were one of the same, only he idiotically inflicted it upon himself, and she is trying to heal/recover from its consequence.

Perspective is an interesting, potentially healing concept once understanding is achieved.
So utterly at a loss.. once again.  This has to be done, if I can get how to do.


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Invisiblechampinhom
Lord Justhappensness
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Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 987
Re: Taking Aggressive Action [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #22104829 - 08/17/15 10:41 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

The MXE came and you did what? You put it in a drawer? You talk a good game but you are not yet serious. I advise you to quit beating your breast and rather than go to Texas, go to AA. Get some help.


--------------------
My father used to say: I don't care what else you do in life, just don't be an asshole. People, forgive me when I forget what my daddy said.

Cut back the proliferating list of people whose opinions can hurt you. Unless they have done or want to do you some good, their views are just not worth tracking.
Saul Bellow

“People are just cannibals unless they leave each other alone.” Doris Lessing

Those whom the gods would save, they dower with compassion. Mr. P.  Silocybin


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Invisiblebirdeatingspider
Stranger in Paradise
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Registered: 12/18/14
Posts: 2,993
Loc: so many roads
Re: Taking Aggressive Action [Re: champinhom]
    #22110016 - 08/19/15 07:24 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Hi champinhom, thanks for the concern.  Perhaps I omitted information and must clarify:  The decision to not go to Texas was determined by my family and my aunt's doctors.  They believe she needs a higher level of care than what I can provide at this time.
If it were up to me I would have been there already but I must wait. 

The remaining MXE was flushed yesterday.  Yes, it should have been immediately and I acknowledge that I had momentary weakness. 

I don't agree with AA or the concept of recovery through institution.  It works for many people I know, but my addiction was private and so will be my journey to sobriety.

There's too much at stake even rock bottom in a hole I've dug myself into. 
I'm sorry but why do I need to work someone else's program in order to succeed.
Why wallow with others in being 'unwell' and 'surrender' to God to be 'saved?'
I did bad all by myself, I can include spirituality plenty but must put the focus on others instead of myself for once.
What am I missing?


--------------------

From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.


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Invisibleeeso
Str@nger
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Registered: 03/25/07
Posts: 554
Re: Taking Aggressive Action [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #22112052 - 08/19/15 01:49 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Multiple people in AA told me I would screw up my life if I continued going to those meetings - some that I should be in NA. And I didn't listen and screwed up my life hardcore. I've never been to an NA meeting completely seriously so I can't speak to that modality. -Just one single time when I had a bowl in my pocket - they didn't like that at all (could smell it). There is a concept in AA called the "Marijuana maintenance program" the folks I met in AA didn't appreciate that either...

Just some anecdotes.


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Invisibleeeso
Str@nger
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Registered: 03/25/07
Posts: 554
Re: Taking Aggressive Action [Re: eeso]
    #22112070 - 08/19/15 01:52 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Also I object to the "{I} must surrender myself to and ask god to save me" shit. So I feel ya on that.


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Invisiblechampinhom
Lord Justhappensness
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Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 987
Re: Taking Aggressive Action [Re: eeso]
    #22120372 - 08/21/15 02:23 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)



--------------------
My father used to say: I don't care what else you do in life, just don't be an asshole. People, forgive me when I forget what my daddy said.

Cut back the proliferating list of people whose opinions can hurt you. Unless they have done or want to do you some good, their views are just not worth tracking.
Saul Bellow

“People are just cannibals unless they leave each other alone.” Doris Lessing

Those whom the gods would save, they dower with compassion. Mr. P.  Silocybin


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Invisiblebirdeatingspider
Stranger in Paradise
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Registered: 12/18/14
Posts: 2,993
Loc: so many roads
Re: Taking Aggressive Action [Re: champinhom]
    #22120932 - 08/21/15 07:19 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Since the other night I haven't given drugs/alcohol a single thought.

I've been preoccupying my time with work and started volunteering at the animal shelter.  In my free time have been gardening/doing my art.

I've never cheated or stolen, always put the people/animals in my life first.

That was good for a laugh, but just doesn't apply in this situation.

The productive and constructive things I've thrown myself into is my version of rehab, so don't try to convince me otherwise.

I recognize the lowlife I am when using, and that's not who I am or want to be.  Again, thanks for your concern.


--------------------

From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.


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