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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: Cowb0yNeal00]
#22112629 - 08/19/15 03:44 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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pachoo said: But perhaps along with your meditative and happy activities, you also try to do something physically demanding that could get aggression out, such as kickboxing or something. I have alot of problems with rage inside myself and it might benefit you to do something like that. It needs to come out healthy.
Thanks for the positive thoughts and words pachoo. I'm pretty hardcore when it comes to exercise; I spend 1-1.5 hours a day in the gym pushing as much weight as I possibly can (been doing this for 14 years now) along with cardio work, so I have a pretty healthy outlet.
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MarkostheGnostic said: I think you need to decide whether your marriage is salvageable.
Thanks so much for your input Markos - I was hoping you would chip in as I know from your previous posts your ex-wife had BPD. I think you're spot on with what you said above. My wife has been in rehab for a week now to fix her alcohol addiction which is part of the condition of my giving her another chance, which shows some promise at least - the last time she went in she bailed out after only 4 days. I have no idea how things are gonna play out when she comes out in 3 weeks; at the moment I feel very 50/50 about the chance of our relationship surviving.
As I've been getting further involved in work with my therapist (I'm now 6 sessions in) I feel some very interesting points are coming to light. It's almost like my wife has been deliberately (although I suspect subconsciously) working to sabotage our relationship - I'm not sure if you can relate to that in terms of your ex-wife, but I really don't feel like there's anything more she could do to push me away.
The suspicion is that she's projecting all of the anger she has towards her abusive father onto me - I am quite like him in many ways and the more I follow this path of thought the more it makes sense. She still maintains an amicable relationship with him so it stands to reason that resentment is gonna come out somewhere else. Feel like I'm in limbo myself right now as I just don't know if she's gonna really take her illness by the horns from now on - she certainly hasn't done up until this point as far as I can see.
I think I am somewhat responsible for the fact this has all come out (not that I say that in any negative sense); I have provided the kind of safe and loving environment which, AFAIK, she has never before been given, and now all the shit is coming out. Who knows! From now on I really need to think a lot more about me - this seems to be the resounding advice I have received from so many people. Thanks for your support man.
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myles33 said: It all rolls into one.
I have absolutely no idea what you mean by this. Could you clarify please?
PocketLady & Kickle - thank you both again for your kind words and support.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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pachoo
Witchakookoo



Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22113190 - 08/19/15 05:33 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I'm rooting for ya man!! Def focus on yourself. You can't do anything for her except be there bc of your own choice.
I saw you do weights and stuff so that's awesome. You work out an intense amount. I feel so lazy now. Hahaha *pats belly*
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MarkostheGnostic
Elder



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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22113763 - 08/19/15 07:37 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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So permeated with fear of, or expectation of abandonment, abandonment itself seems to become the basis for a world-view for someone with BPD! Rather than have one's very world-view destroyed (by a man with loyalty and integrity), a Borderline might do everything in her power to bring about such an abandonment, if only to prove that she was right all the time. Then she can continue with her Borderline 'splitting' of you into villain or hero, ending upon the villain perception of you. This need for Unconditional Positive Regard (unconditional love) is necessary as a baby, by it wears thin in a marriage if she violates trust again and again and again. It does the same damage to you as was done to her. It is like forcing one's spouse to suffer the same grievous disappointments as she suffered as a child. But this is in spite of herself because it won't make you closer, it will recapitulate the abandonment from childhood by the father by forcing her husband to abandon her too. You cannot build anything but a profoundly sick relationship on mutual pain, the Tollean "pain body." It's a very toxic and cyclical process.
In my own sad situation, I thought forgiveness was my attempt to transcend the hurt and resentment caused by my ex-wife, that I was acting in a saintly capacity. But I discovered that saintliness must not exclude oneself, otherwise it is simply a masochistic martyr-complex. I was not saintly, I had developed Co-Dependent Personality Disorder. I am just as worthy of kindness as anyone else, but the more I tolerated her emotional abuse, the more contempt she had for me. She must have thought that I was quite the fool to continue taking all her shit, and so in even greater contempt, she escalated her sick game. When I discovered infidelity (there may have been more), I filed for divorce the minute my colleague's law office opened the next morning. That was the line I had drawn in the sand that she crossed. My co-dependency is long gone. I wouldn't tolerate 2 minutes of the behavior that I chose to live with back then. It was a painful lesson to learn, and now I want to help others extricate themselves from the spider's web before all the life has been sucked out of them.
-------------------- γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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DividedQuantum
Outer Head


Registered: 12/06/13
Posts: 9,819
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
#22113795 - 08/19/15 07:45 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I've never been around anything like this, this is fascinating.
-------------------- Vi Veri Universum Vivus Vici
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pachoo
Witchakookoo



Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
#22113815 - 08/19/15 07:50 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
MarkostheGnostic said: So permeated with fear of, or expectation of abandonment, abandonment itself seems to become the basis for a world-view for someone with BPD! Rather than have one's very world-view destroyed (by a man with loyalty and integrity), a Borderline might do everything in her power to bring about such an abandonment, if only to prove that she was right all the time. Then she can continue with her Borderline 'splitting' of you into villain or hero, ending upon the villain perception of you. This need for Unconditional Positive Regard (unconditional love) is necessary as a baby, by it wears thin in a marriage if she violates trust again and again and again. It does the same damage to you as was done to her. It is like forcing one's spouse to suffer the same grievous disappointments as she suffered as a child. But this is in spite of herself because it won't make you closer, it will recapitulate the abandonment from childhood by the father by forcing her husband to abandon her too. You cannot build anything but a profoundly sick relationship on mutual pain, the Tollean "pain body." It's a very toxic and cyclical process.
In my own sad situation, I thought forgiveness was my attempt to transcend the hurt and resentment caused by my ex-wife, that I was acting in a saintly capacity. But I discovered that saintliness must not exclude oneself, otherwise it is simply a masochistic martyr-complex. I was not saintly, I had developed Co-Dependent Personality Disorder. I am just as worthy of kindness as anyone else, but the more I tolerated her emotional abuse, the more contempt she had for me. She must have thought that I was quite the fool to continue taking all her shit, and so in even greater contempt, she escalated her sick game. When I discovered infidelity (there may have been more), I filed for divorce the minute my colleague's law office opened the next morning. That was the line I had drawn in the sand that she crossed. My co-dependency is long gone. I wouldn't tolerate 2 minutes of the behavior that I chose to live with back then. It was a painful lesson to learn, and now I want to help others extricate themselves from the spider's web before all the life has been sucked out of them.
You're a good man dude.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
#22115389 - 08/20/15 05:14 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
MarkostheGnostic said: So permeated with fear of, or expectation of abandonment, abandonment itself seems to become the basis for a world-view for someone with BPD! Rather than have one's very world-view destroyed (by a man with loyalty and integrity), a Borderline might do everything in her power to bring about such an abandonment, if only to prove that she was right all the time. Then she can continue with her Borderline 'splitting' of you into villain or hero, ending upon the villain perception of you. This need for Unconditional Positive Regard (unconditional love) is necessary as a baby, by it wears thin in a marriage if she violates trust again and again and again. It does the same damage to you as was done to her. It is like forcing one's spouse to suffer the same grievous disappointments as she suffered as a child. But this is in spite of herself because it won't make you closer, it will recapitulate the abandonment from childhood by the father by forcing her husband to abandon her too. You cannot build anything but a profoundly sick relationship on mutual pain, the Tollean "pain body." It's a very toxic and cyclical process.
Ah Markos, I think you hit the nail on the head right there man! That's pretty much the conclusion I have come to. A close friend of hers spent the night with me the other night (he's been one of her confidants throughout this rough time) and it seems she has very much painted me in the light of 'villain' (I was definitely once a 'hero' too). He was saddened after getting to know me that he had been mislead into thinking that I was one based on her words alone.
I know I certainly won't stand for another instance of her toxic behavior, and I'm mentally preparing myself to leave if that is what I must do to protect myself (at this stage I'm kinda expecting that's what it's gonna be, but I am trying to remain as free of preconceptions as possible - surely BPD is not entirely incurable?). I know that there's a good person in her, but I just don't know if it will ever be allowed to come to light due to all of the damage done by her very, very toxic parents.
I guess that's the biggest factor in my uncertainty about our future; I'm not gonna be the same person the next time she sees me in three weeks time. I can feel a quite profound transformation taking place within myself as I've been forced into analysing our entire four years together and the way have I acted within that time. Two of them were indescribably amazing, and the following two have been a steady decline towards a hellish existence. It makes me question just how genuine those first two years of bliss were. Did you have a similar experience to this, in terms of good at first, then slowly declining after?
I can totally relate to your discovery that saintliness must not exclude oneself. I count it as a blessing that I have discovered this after only two years, and that I have had so many amazing people around me to support me, yourself included. Thank you.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
Edited by Jokeshopbeard (08/20/15 05:25 AM)
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MarkostheGnostic
Elder



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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22116662 - 08/20/15 01:07 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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You're welcome for any help that my words have brought about. Personality Disorders are, to use a simile, like an astigmatism, a 'dimple' on the otherwise perfectly hemispherical cornea of the eye. I have such a dimple at the 5:00 position of my eye, and so, I'll see a capital 'L' instead of an 'I,' or a 'Q' instead of an 'O.' To further the analogy, lets say that the different locations of an astigmatism of (eye and 'I') represents a different personality disorder. The Borderline's personality is warped to distort perception along all the symptomatic lines of that disorder, the Paranoid Personality Disorder has its own typical symptoms, The Avoidant Personality has their's, the Antisocial has their characteristics, etc. All are distortions of interpersonal relationships, just as astigmatisms at different locations of the cornea distort perception in specifically characteristic ways. Unfortunately, some disorders include suspiciousness about therapy or medication (e.g., Obsessive-Compulsive Personality), and those with Antisocial Personality Disorder don't want to stop their criminal ways because the rewards are great and you can't give them a conscience! Borderlines are on a continuum. Sometimes they simply mellow with age. Other times another adage may apply: "There are no old Borderlines," as a psychiatric nurse once told me. She gave me her copy of I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.
There ARE therapies which can help normalize Borderline over-reactivity (DBT, CBT). My ex lived in my apartment for 2 years in graduate school, and there were signs of difficulty that I simply blinked. But when I moved to Miami with her, her true colors erupted almost immediately. She could not merely argue, she would immediately jump to "I WAN'T YOU OUT OF HERE!" within months of moving into the fixer-upper that SHE bought without me having seen it. I couldn't get work for a good year, but I spent all that time (and resentfully, her money) building walls, painting, moving a large air conditioner, blocking up the wall, running drain line, etc., etc. Sex was never with any warmth or affection. The one time I 'felt' something and mentioned it, she denied that anything had changed. She had been Very charming when we met, but it was all an act. She was hyper-vigilant and hyper-critical, She was an Ectomorphic INFJ, a Virgo, and she had Antisocial and Sadistic features in addition to Borderline Personality. She also developed Alcohol Dependence, which was more than figuratively throwing fuel on an existing fire. It made her mean and ugly. Lying, cheating, and stealing ensued. She began to evidence transient psychotic symptoms in her rage. A former student of mine was a bag boy at the supermarket. Seeing my ex he asked her how I was. She threw herself on him physically, feigned crying and told him that I was leaving her and wouldn't return her phone calls. The poor high school kid (now a comedian in NYC) was so upset by her histrionic antics, he left work and walked to the school nearby to find me at work. The truth was that she never phoned me and couldn't wait for me to leave. Her lies became major deceptive actions. She was quite mad in my professional opinion.
When I said in an earlier post that I had developed Dependent Personality Disorder, I should correct that. I had developed a situational co-dependency in order to cope with a toxic personality that resulted in me 'walking on eggshells' all the time. Once I left the woman, I began to heal and slowly my personality was restored. Only I became healthier than before. I got in touch with suppressed anger, turned it into kinetic energy at the gym and got physically as well as emotionally stronger. I cannot adequately express how much better my life became after the initial shock, hurt, fear, regret, and anger subsided!

http://www.imdb.com/search/title?keywords=borderline-personality-disorder&title_type=feature,tv_movie,documentary http://www.borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com/borderline-personality-disorder-movies.html http://gettinbetter.com/award.html https://myborderlinemind.wordpress.com/bpd-bipolar-in-films/
-------------------- γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
Edited by MarkostheGnostic (08/20/15 01:15 PM)
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MarkostheGnostic
Elder



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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: pachoo]
#22116666 - 08/20/15 01:07 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Thanks again pachoo.
-------------------- γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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MarkostheGnostic
Elder



Registered: 12/09/99
Posts: 14,279
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: DividedQuantum]
#22116787 - 08/20/15 01:34 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
DividedQuantum said: I've never been around anything like this, this is fascinating.
This is true of evil. You might want to observe an exorcism, but you sure as Hell don't want to be the oppressed or possessed victim.
-------------------- γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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DividedQuantum
Outer Head


Registered: 12/06/13
Posts: 9,819
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
#22116812 - 08/20/15 01:39 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Duly noted.
-------------------- Vi Veri Universum Vivus Vici
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: DividedQuantum]
#22169042 - 08/31/15 12:56 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Just wanted to add an update for all those lovely people that have given their input regarding this difficult situation I'm in.
I saw my wife for the first time on Thursday; she seems to be throwing herself into the group work (pretty much 9am-9pm in rehab) and is uncovering repressed memories and things she'd 'never even admitted to herself before' through that work. I have high hopes for the work she's doing in there, added to be the fact that she's intending to go on to a further three months of in-patient care at another centre which works on AT. She says that she feels that it is the intensity of work, coupled with the risk of losing me, which is driving her to work in such a hard and committed manner.
So there is hope yet I feel. She's certainly not as far gone as your ex-wife Markos, so I maintain a positive outlook at this stage. It's pretty hard dealing with the loneliness though; after living with someone for three years, the concept of spending a quarter of a year in that same house alone is pretty daunting, especially when work blocks a lot of social possibilities (which never felt like a problem when I had constant company in the house). It is however holding up a bit of a light to my projected self image of always being 'strong' - which, although painful in seeing it dissolve, will be very growing in the long term IMO as I work closer to my 'core' self. The ongoing therapy is helping a lot, and my therapist has asked me to keep a diary, which is showing itself as more and more helpful the more work I put into it.
So there you have it for the time being, thanks again to all those who have shown their support in this thread.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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pachoo
Witchakookoo



Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22169453 - 08/31/15 02:38 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Woohoo! Glad to hear it man! Keep positive. I know it sucks being without your love when they're going through hard stuff.
 
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CosmicJoke
happy mutant



Registered: 04/05/00
Posts: 10,848
Loc: Portland, OR
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22169512 - 08/31/15 02:51 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
pachoo said: But perhaps along with your meditative and happy activities, you also try to do something physically demanding that could get aggression out, such as kickboxing or something. I have alot of problems with rage inside myself and it might benefit you to do something like that. It needs to come out healthy.
Thanks for the positive thoughts and words pachoo. I'm pretty hardcore when it comes to exercise; I spend 1-1.5 hours a day in the gym pushing as much weight as I possibly can (been doing this for 14 years now) along with cardio work, so I have a pretty healthy outlet.
Quote:
MarkostheGnostic said: I think you need to decide whether your marriage is salvageable.
Thanks so much for your input Markos - I was hoping you would chip in as I know from your previous posts your ex-wife had BPD. I think you're spot on with what you said above. My wife has been in rehab for a week now to fix her alcohol addiction which is part of the condition of my giving her another chance, which shows some promise at least - the last time she went in she bailed out after only 4 days. I have no idea how things are gonna play out when she comes out in 3 weeks; at the moment I feel very 50/50 about the chance of our relationship surviving.
As I've been getting further involved in work with my therapist (I'm now 6 sessions in) I feel some very interesting points are coming to light. It's almost like my wife has been deliberately (although I suspect subconsciously) working to sabotage our relationship - I'm not sure if you can relate to that in terms of your ex-wife, but I really don't feel like there's anything more she could do to push me away.
The suspicion is that she's projecting all of the anger she has towards her abusive father onto me - I am quite like him in many ways and the more I follow this path of thought the more it makes sense. She still maintains an amicable relationship with him so it stands to reason that resentment is gonna come out somewhere else. Feel like I'm in limbo myself right now as I just don't know if she's gonna really take her illness by the horns from now on - she certainly hasn't done up until this point as far as I can see.
I think I am somewhat responsible for the fact this has all come out (not that I say that in any negative sense); I have provided the kind of safe and loving environment which, AFAIK, she has never before been given, and now all the shit is coming out. Who knows! From now on I really need to think a lot more about me - this seems to be the resounding advice I have received from so many people. Thanks for your support man.
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myles33 said: It all rolls into one.
I have absolutely no idea what you mean by this. Could you clarify please?
PocketLady & Kickle - thank you both again for your kind words and support.
Pretty sure MtG's ex wife had Borderline personality disorder and your wife has Bipolar Disorder? Two different things, you can't judge one to other, his advice is pretty much irrelevant (sorry MtG)
-------------------- Everything is better than it was the last time. I'm good. If we could look into each others hearts, and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care. It takes a lot of courage to go out there and radiate your essence. I know you scared, you should ask us if we scared too. If you was there, and we just knew you cared too.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: pachoo]
#22169517 - 08/31/15 02:52 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
pachoo said: Woohoo! Glad to hear it man! Keep positive. I know it sucks being without your love when they're going through hard stuff.
  
Thanks so much for the good vibes pachoo. It was exactly because you've given them so generously & freely that I put today's update on this thread.
I really appreciate it.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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pachoo
Witchakookoo



Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22169710 - 08/31/15 03:30 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
pachoo said: Woohoo! Glad to hear it man! Keep positive. I know it sucks being without your love when they're going through hard stuff.
  
Thanks so much for the good vibes pachoo. It was exactly because you've given them so generously & freely that I put today's update on this thread.
I really appreciate it.
Well goddamn. What a compliment. I was thinking about ya this weekend wondering how it was going.
No problem on the good vibes. I know sometimes I may look odd caring, but I'm really like that in person. Got alot of feels for everyone. Hahah
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pachoo
Witchakookoo



Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: CosmicJoke]
#22169725 - 08/31/15 03:34 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
CosmicJoke said:
Pretty sure MtG's ex wife had Borderline personality disorder and your wife has Bipolar Disorder? Two different things, you can't judge one to other, his advice is pretty much irrelevant (sorry MtG)
Hrmm... I was looking at this the other day too wondering. Apparently they get confused alot... But I don't know, I think Jokes wife might really be BPD. It seems more like it when he mentioned the whole "relationship sabotage" and attack on him. Especially when it happens alot from perceived abandonment. Or her mental confusion of Joke being the same persona as her father. More of a reality than actual moods. Plus she was diagnosed as BPD right?
Uhh... now I'm starting to confuse myself a bit.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: pachoo]
#22169809 - 08/31/15 03:55 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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No, no, you're right on the mark pachoo, it's BPD. Not yet an 'official' diagnosis, but her psychiatrist has strongly suggested this to be the case. Added to that the reading I've done on the subject (and bearing in mind I know her better than anyone), and I'm pretty damn sure it's right. But then I'm not one to lean to heavily on specific diagnoses - shit, if you look at the ICD-10 (or some such diagnostic manual) they make it waaaaay too easy to categorise people IMO.
Quote:
pachoo said: No problem on the good vibes. I know sometimes I may look odd caring, but I'm really like that in person. Got alot of feels for everyone. Hahah
What a sad world we live in, that anyone could possibly feel 'odd' for caring. I know the feeling, but it's a fucking sorry state of affairs that one can feel that way for being kind and compassionate.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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deff
just love everyone



Registered: 05/01/04
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: pachoo]
#22169810 - 08/31/15 03:55 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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what's always a bit confusing to me is that BPD could stand for either border-line personality disorder or bipolar disorder 
wishing you the best of luck on this JSB !
--------------------
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: deff]
#22170337 - 08/31/15 05:57 PM (8 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
deff said: what's always a bit confusing to me is that BPD could stand for either border-line personality disorder or bipolar disorder 
wishing you the best of luck on this JSB !
I've known people with both conditions intimately; they're equally crippling IMO, although bipolar is easier to treat.
Thanks for the kind words deff, as always man. Peace to you brother!
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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