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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content?
    #22069545 - 08/09/15 09:13 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Heya fellow shroomerites! I've been experiencing quite an interesting state in my life this past week and I was hoping you'd be kind enough to share your take, or perhaps any similar experiences with me.

My wife has been becoming more and more unwell of late due to longstanding depression (possibly BPD) which has been further exacerbated by the deaths of two loved ones, a cruel family, long term unemployment, alcoholism, etc. It's resulted in several suicide attempts and an act of infidelity, amongst other things. I feel she is becoming more and more of a shell of the woman I married as time goes by.

I posted about it here in further detail, if you're interested enough to read:

http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/22040915

Comparatively, I am very much in the best place I have been in my life thus far, due in the most part to (I believe) my dedicated meditation practice, along with a lot of reading, therapy, eating well, exercising, and overcoming several major challenges in my life.

However over the course of the past week, since she disclosed her infidelity to me, I have found myself living almost a double life. My waking hours are very positive, for the most part, and I feel very clear headed with a clear sense of direction and purpose. However upon waking in the mornings, before my consciousness fully engages, I feel terror and dread at emerging from the state of sleep. As soon as I'm up though, it vanishes and I'm back to feeling positive again.

Do you have any insight/suggestions at what this may point to? Have you ever had any similar experiences?

I wish I had a better grasp at remembering my dreams, as I wonder if they may provide some insight here, however I often don't remember them well as I allow myself a very small smoke of a pure strain sativa before I sleep (it's generally my only break from sobriety these days). I don't really want to give up my only treat, but it may be the case that it's required to make any headway with this thing.

It's certainly been a major challenge trying to decide how to best handle this situation with my wife, however after talking with well over a dozen people about it I do believe that I am approaching it with the utmost kindness and compassion. Being as I'm living from that place to the best of my ability, and my waking mind recognises that, why does my unconscious plague me so?


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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InvisibleDividedQuantumM
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #22069607 - 08/09/15 09:28 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Well Jsb, I am very sorry to hear about the troubles your wife, and by proxy you, are having.  You have my well wishes.  I once read that a zen Roshi (don't remember who) was asked by his disciple, "Roshi, who is the real me?"  And the Roshi replied:  "Do you know those first few moments, just after you awake, when you don't have any orientation, when, indeed, you don't even really know who you are?  That awareness is the real you."


--------------------
Vi Veri Universum Vivus Vici


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: DividedQuantum]
    #22069639 - 08/09/15 09:35 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Thank you so much for the well wishes DQ, I really appreciate that. And also for the interesting take on that state of consciousness. Makes me wonder if I'm somehow deluding myself (I believe that as human beings, we're very good at doing so) that I'm content and actually, at some point I'm gonna collapse into a big 'ol heap when reality catches up with me!


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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InvisibleDividedQuantumM
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #22069666 - 08/09/15 09:39 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

In all candor, that is what I fear.


--------------------
Vi Veri Universum Vivus Vici


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InvisiblePocketLady
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: DividedQuantum]
    #22070832 - 08/10/15 08:25 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Sorry to hear things have been rough for you both recently Jokeshop. The subconscious is a funny thing, and it usually acts up when the conscious mind isn't dealing with the emotions caused by a particular situation, and so represses them. For someone going through a difficult time, your post seems very upbeat which is a little unusual for a person in such a situation. I wonder whether you are allowing your emotions to express themselves fully, rather than being concerned with ensuring you are being caring and compassionate all the time? When you follow a spiritual path, meditation etc, and understand the power of the mind, it can be easy to try and make sure you are a in a positive state all of the time, ensuring you are being loving and kind etc. I know I have fallen prey to this many, many times. It's sure taken me a long time to learn this, but being able to sit in and accept all states and emotions, positive, negative, happy, sad, angry, is the key to working through issues. If we don't work through them when they come up, that's when the subconscious gets hold of them and presents you with these feelings in a different way (dreams, nightmares, situations), until you can make them conscious once again through awareness and acceptance. Being kind and compassionate is very, very important, but we can't manifest a permanent state of lovingkindness until we can acknowledge, accept, and release everything that doesn't make us feel loving.

Incidentally I read some of the other thread where you mentioned that you have a tendency to attract partners with mental and emotional issues. I think your therapist has a point about a subconscious need to care for someone, but I would go a bit further than that. IMHO all situations, particularly repeating patterns in our lives, they all happen because there is something we must learn from them, a lesson we haven't learnt before when confronted with similar experiences. Once we learn the lesson, the subconscious imprints are released and there is no need for us to go on repeating that experience. So what is it that this situation is trying to teach you? Only you can answer that :heart:


--------------------
Love is from the infinite, and will remain until eternity.
The seeker of love escapes the chains of birth and death.
Tomorrow, when resurrection comes,
The heart that is not in love will fail the test.

~ Rumi



The day we start giving Love instead of seeking Love, we will have re-written our whole destiny.
~ Swami Chinmayanada Saraswatir


Edited by PocketLady (08/10/15 08:40 AM)


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InvisiblePocketLady
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: PocketLady]
    #22070880 - 08/10/15 08:48 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Just wanted to add that "working through" issues doesn't and shouldn't involve the mind at all. It's just a matter of being aware of thoughts and emotions as they arise, and sitting with them in acceptance until they disappear of their own accord.


--------------------
Love is from the infinite, and will remain until eternity.
The seeker of love escapes the chains of birth and death.
Tomorrow, when resurrection comes,
The heart that is not in love will fail the test.

~ Rumi



The day we start giving Love instead of seeking Love, we will have re-written our whole destiny.
~ Swami Chinmayanada Saraswatir


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: PocketLady]
    #22074180 - 08/10/15 10:37 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Thank you so much for the kind words and sage advice PocketLady. My gut feeling is that you're on point with what you say; that there's something that needs to come up for me which I need to sit with. In an attempt to try and bring it to the fore, I went without my before bed smoke and thus dreamed very vividly. The dreams involved my wife's infidelity (although the circumstances changed and it was more painful because of this), followed by one of my usual 'running from the authorities' type dreams, which are never far from my dream state when I can recall it.

Still, back in my waking hours, it's all generally positivity again. I have had a very slight, subtle sense of something amiss, but it's really so vague I don't know how to hone in on it. Don't suppose you have any tips? You say you've fallen pray to something like this before, would you mind sharing your experience with me please?

Incidentally, I think I know the answer to the repeating pattern conundrum. Through this past week with my wife, and the subsequent setting of boundaries, I have come to realise that I cannot/will not help her conquer her mental illness. It's simply not my place, nor within my capabilities. I'm very much a problem solver by nature (my work in IT and hobby in Mechanics belies this) and I think that I have a need to do this with the people I care about too. Whereas, in reality, I'm no good at fixing anything unless it's an inanimate object (although I'm very good at fixing those!).

I feel, again in my gut, that this is a resolution I must make within myself; to let people be as they are, and to feel no shame at the fact that I will take no involvement in 'fixing' them, nor in expecting them to be an equal in the sense that I work so hard on my own issues, and that it is the responsibility of each of us to work on our own without requiring another person to help you do the work!


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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InvisiblePocketLady
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #22075265 - 08/11/15 08:14 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

For me, I've had issues with trying to fight off "scary" thoughts to the extent where it really started to impact my life. The thoughts varied, but a lot revolved my becoming obsessed with insuring I didn't think "bad" things about other people. I found that the more I fought, the more those thoughts and emotions would push back, causing a battle in my conscious mind and in my dreams which were really quite terrifying at times. The only way I found to deal with it is to make sure that I accept every single feeling or thought that comes up, whether I am doing a sitting meditation or just in my waking life.

Has anything been coming up in meditation? The problem with the subconscious is that often it's just feelings. The waking conscious mind creates thoughts which are easy to recognise, but it can be trickier with the subconscious as it's not as immediately obvious. But my advice would to be just to try and deepen into whatever vague feeling you are having. Not to intellectually understand it. Don't ask questions about what it is or why it's there, just sit in it and feel it completely. Just by doing that you will release it.

Sounds like you've got that pattern sorted out. Acceptance, in all forms, does seem to be the key to many things in my experience :smile:


--------------------
Love is from the infinite, and will remain until eternity.
The seeker of love escapes the chains of birth and death.
Tomorrow, when resurrection comes,
The heart that is not in love will fail the test.

~ Rumi



The day we start giving Love instead of seeking Love, we will have re-written our whole destiny.
~ Swami Chinmayanada Saraswatir


Edited by PocketLady (08/11/15 08:26 AM)


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OnlineKickleM
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: PocketLady]
    #22075537 - 08/11/15 09:24 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

You might consider interpreting it through the Freudian lens of id, ego, superego.

I'm not sure how familiar you are with his ideas, but briefly the id is described by Freud as "...the dark, inaccessible part of our personality..." and from his study revolves primarily around sex and aggression. It is often described as instinctive and chaotic - base urges which have yet to become organized into one's life.

Whereas the super-ego works in contradiction to the id. The super-ego strives to meet social expectations. Primarily, Freud observed, those taught by authority figures (mom, dad, teachers). And whereas the id is concerned with instant self-gratification, the super-ego controls our sense of right and wrong and guilt. It aims to help us fit into society by getting us to act in socially acceptable ways.

The ego in Freud's theory is what predominates consciousness. Where the id is the dark, inaccessible part, the ego is front and center. It is also the mediator between the id and the superego. But not only those mental stirrings, but also what presents itself in "reality". So the ego has to cope with the id's urges, the superego's social demands, as well as whatever else is occurring in daily life.

For Freud a healthy ego finds ways to manage all of this in a way which most benefits the organism. But he also recognized that many  times the ego is unable to achieve such a task. That quite often less adaptive coping mechanisms become employed. He spent most of his life watching the ways he failed in this regard. He came up with a list of coping mechanisms or defense mechanisms.

Here are some:

Denial - Refusal to accept external reality because it is too threatening; arguing against an anxiety-provoking stimulus by stating it doesn't exist; resolution of emotional conflict and reduction of anxiety by refusing to perceive or consciously acknowledge the more unpleasant aspects of external reality.

Distortion - A gross reshaping of external reality to meet internal needs.

Wishful thinking - Making decisions according to what might be pleasing to imagine instead of by appealing to evidence, rationality, or reality

Rationalization - Convincing oneself that no wrong has been done and that all is or was all right through faulty and false reasoning. An indicator of this defence mechanism can be seen socially as the formulation of convenient excuses.

Reaction formation - Converting unconscious wishes or impulses that are perceived to be dangerous or unacceptable into their opposites; behaviour that is completely the opposite of what one really wants or feels; taking the opposite belief because the true belief causes anxiety.

Repression - The process of attempting to repel desires towards pleasurable instincts, caused by a threat of suffering if the desire is satisfied; the desire is moved to the unconscious in the attempt to prevent it from entering consciousness; seemingly unexplainable naivety, memory lapse or lack of awareness of one's own situation and condition; the emotion is conscious, but the idea behind it is absent.

And I don't think Freud has an exhaustive list of ways in which humans cope, but I do think there is a lot to the notion of coping. Of trying to deal with the demands of reality but also with the demands of our biology and also of our upbringing. I don't necessarily agree that one is pathological if, for instance, one finds themselves in denial for instance. Most modern psychologists don't either. For instance the death of a close loved one often inspires denial in the general populace. So it doesn't make sense to say that this response is therefore pathological. It is instead normal. But if it is not worked through, serious issues definitely can and often do start to crop up.

What I personally take away from this line of thinking when looking at my own life is that I can expect my ego to be overwhelmed at times. Either through the sheer shock and impact of a situation, or through the extreme disparity between my biological imperative and social ideals of my youth. There is a threshold at which my typical approach to life will fail me. And that it will take me time to work through. And that my best bet is not to allow this, hmm, failure of my ego, to add insult to injury. To hopefully, through awareness of this phenomena, be more prepared to cope with it's appearance.


--------------------
Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction?
Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain


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InvisibleCosmicJokeM
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #22076931 - 08/11/15 03:22 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I'm really sorry to hear about your wife's indiscretions in addition to the struggles of her depression that you've been dealing with so long.... Do you think you're becoming a bliss ninny....?  In my other thread you responded that you mentioned the ecstasy of your meditation practices, starting in your skull and radiating through your body, and that's something I experience at will too.  I sometimes wonder if I opt for that mode of perception over expressing my frustration with others, and to what detriment that ultimately causes me.


--------------------
Everything is better than it was the last time.  I'm good.

If we could look into each others hearts, and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.

It takes a lot of courage to go out there and radiate your essence.

I know you scared, you should ask us if we scared too.  If you was there, and we just knew you cared too.


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: CosmicJoke] * 1
    #22079429 - 08/12/15 12:00 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

PocketLady & Kickle - thank you so much for sharing your insight with me. Oddly enough, I think I realised what it is. Bloody well timed as well, as it hit me as I was riding from work on the way to see my therapist! It started as a slow, drip, drip type building up of feeling, and as I was sitting outside my therapists office having a coffee, it came on full force. By the time I got in to see her, the contents of my mind were comparable with a thunderstorm, and I could feel the furrowing of my brow to an extent I cannot ever recall having felt!

I'm pretty damn sure it's the reality of considering/realising how much I'm gonna have to change if I continue to try and make the relationship with my wife work. I think doing a lot of reading yesterday about BPD (as yet undiagnosed, but I don't need a specialist to tell me that's what it is) helped to bring it to the fore, along with adjusting my thought patterns based on what you both said.

It was like a fight/flight response of the emotional persuasion, still very much unresolved, however my therapist helped me get things in perspective a little so I can focus on some personal healing work for the time being. I mean, it's out now at least, and not floating around somewhere in there outside the reach of my consciousness. Based on what you both said, that's very definitely progress!!


Quote:

CosmicJoke said:
I'm really sorry to hear about your wife's indiscretions in addition to the struggles of her depression that you've been dealing with so long.... Do you think you're becoming a bliss ninny....?  In my other thread you responded that you mentioned the ecstasy of your meditation practices, starting in your skull and radiating through your body, and that's something I experience at will too.  I sometimes wonder if I opt for that mode of perception over expressing my frustration with others, and to what detriment that ultimately causes me.




I had to look up the terminology of a 'bliss ninny' - couldn't figure it out for the life of me based on the words alone! Here it is for anyone else in that predicament:

Noun[edit]
bliss ninny (plural bliss ninnies)


(slang, pejorative) A person who is unrealistically optimistic, or a Pollyanna and who might seem to prefer to retreat from difficult situations by professing seemingly irrelevant platitudes, rather than to directly engage with the difficulty at hand in a meaningful way.
(slang, spirituality) A student who may seem to be intoxicated with spiritual teachings, but is ungrounded or untrained.


In answer to your question CJ - I honestly don't know. If I am, it's not conscious, although I'm definitely open to the fact that I could be as some kind of self defence mechanism. I know that a few weeks ago, when I had to take a week off work to watch over my wife and intervene to stop several suicide attempts, I found myself very much 'out of myself' - a condition I don't recall feeling to such an extent before. I guess when one is overly concerned with a loved ones welfare, considerations for ones own happiness or sadness likely go out the window pretty quick.

Although if I were to isolate the point at which my life took a huge leap forward in terms of contentment, it would  be after I resorted to a two month period of on/off heroin addiction as a coping strategy for my marital troubles. Getting through PAWS really changed my life. Perhaps it was a fork in the road of my existence, and by choosing what I believe to be the right path, I developed a new found appreciation for life. Since then, it's like my head and my path are clearer than they have ever been. I think I'm just gonna enjoy it whilst it lasts - I'm sure life will fire some shit my way the moment I have more lessons to learn!!

Thanks all, from the bottom of my heart!


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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InvisibleCosmicJokeM
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #22082961 - 08/12/15 07:17 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Oh I just meant I have developed a knack for feeling fucking phenomenal, you know the way you see people looking blissed out sitting at their guru's feet? Just like that.  I think I use this power to avoid arguments with others and letting them know how much they've really dicked me over... or just watching a show like Vice (I know you don't really watch T.V.) but perhaps you've come across the blogged journalism, I think the appropriate response would be anger and disgust to a lot of these stories, but I experience fascination and ultimately go back to feeling harmony.  I can think of a few events regarding lost love ones that I suspect would make me grieve intensely, but not much else.


--------------------
Everything is better than it was the last time.  I'm good.

If we could look into each others hearts, and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.

It takes a lot of courage to go out there and radiate your essence.

I know you scared, you should ask us if we scared too.  If you was there, and we just knew you cared too.


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: CosmicJoke]
    #22088449 - 08/13/15 06:07 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Yeah, I hear you on the 'knack for feeling fucking phenomenal' CJ; I believe I have developed the same knack myself, as was mentioned above. I feel in my gut it's here to stay. As AGT mentioned in his thread, I believe that it's a case of 'The spiritual growth that is occurring is actually what drives a person to pursue certain pratices.'

I feel like it's a result of being more in touch of ones 'higher self' - by tapping into it, one can experience states of unparalleled bliss, which, IMO, top any drug based experiences I've ever had.

Back to the subject mentioned in the OP, I decided to commit to giving up my sativa so as to analyse my dreams, and I've been blown away by what's come up. I need to talk it through with my therapist so as to analyse it in a Freudian sense, but I have my suspicions about what it represents already;

So I graphically killed a man in my dreams two nights ago, something I have never done before. Interestingly, he had been sent to kill me by a woman (possibly my mother or wife) and I killed him (almost certainly a part of me) in self defence. It seems ridiculously symbolic as to what is happening in my life right now.

Has anyone else ever killed someone in their dreams before?


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #22089707 - 08/14/15 12:21 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I don't know how you arrived at a diagnosis of BPD, but  you might be correct. I was married to a BPD and alcoholic wife, who also had Antisocial and Sadistic personality features, for 1/3 of my life before I finally left her. It was the infidelity (that I discovered) that prompted me to file for divorce the morning after her admission of the act. I don't think your unconscious is the issue here, your marriage is. You are suppressing and/or repressing anger, just as I did for my entire life until I left the marriage. In fact, I believe that by allowing unexpressed anger to fester, and by "eating myself up alive" as the expression goes, that a suspicious mole I'd been cautioned about morphed into malignant melanoma, level 3, and could've killed me. That put the fear of God into me and after the surgery, I took myself to the gym and turned that negative emotional energy into kinetic energy and into improved physical and mental health.

I think you need to decide whether your marriage is salvageable. Mine was not, although I never dreamed of divorce. I prayed for the marriage, but she was truly a malevolent person who made statements about putting broken glass in my food, for example. She stopped talking to my parents or seeing them, and would go for a week without talking to me. My ex-wife was a horribly toxic woman who never really took marriage vows seriously. I heard that young children at the school where she still teaches (after having retired and a 3rd failed marriage) run from her and call her "the witch." Right from the mouth of babes. I even started referring to her as Miss Gulch to my BFF right after we married, and my late analyst referred to her as Baba Yaga - the cannabalistic witch of Russian folklore. We can't all be wrong. :lol: After 4 years of saving money, dating, and recuperation from 13 years of bad relationship, I met my present wife, bought my first house, and have had the happiest 19 years of my life. :yesnod: I wish happiness for you too!


--------------------
γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself


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InvisiblepachooDiscord
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #22089799 - 08/14/15 01:33 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Oh wow. I just read your other thread as well as this one and the extra page about the BPD someone else posted. Heavy heavy stuff. I actually thought I had BPD a little bit ago, but within the last month I was diagnosed with PTSD and possible ADHD. Plus after reading other things about it I'm pretty sure I'm not really BPD, but I do have major trust issues and abandonment issues. Most nightmares of mine are about abandonment.

It's very interesting about your dreams of killing someone. I've never killed anyone in my dreams except during my zombie apocalypse dreams. But it could be a manifestation of 'silencing' an aspect of yourself. Especially since you mentioned someone was sent to kill you, I can only imagine that would signify intentional/unintentional hurt from a loved one and your repressing your anger in dealing with it. Especially since you do seem oddly optimistic in this situation as others have mentioned. I think you need to get mad about this. And let it out. You're probably just in shock right now and eventually it will come out into your conscious.

I congratulate you on your handling of the situation too tho. But perhaps along with your meditative and happy activities, you also try to do something physically demanding that could get aggression out, such as kickboxing or something. I have alot of problems with rage inside myself and it might benefit you to do something like that. It needs to come out healthy.


--------------------


:heartpump::heartpump: :heartpump::heartpump:


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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #22089800 - 08/14/15 01:33 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

MarkostheGnostic said:
I don't know how you arrived at a diagnosis of BPD, but  you might be correct. I was married to a BPD and alcoholic wife, who also had Antisocial and Sadistic personality features, for 1/3 of my life before I finally left her. It was the infidelity (that I discovered) that prompted me to file for divorce the morning after her admission of the act. I don't think your unconscious is the issue here, your marriage is. You are suppressing and/or repressing anger, just as I did for my entire life until I left the marriage. In fact, I believe that by allowing unexpressed anger to fester, and by "eating myself up alive" as the expression goes, that a suspicious mole I'd been cautioned about morphed into malignant melanoma, level 3, and could've killed me. That put the fear of God into me and after the surgery, I took myself to the gym and turned that negative emotional energy into kinetic energy and into improved physical and mental health.

I think you need to decide whether your marriage is salvageable. Mine was not, although I never dreamed of divorce. I prayed for the marriage, but she was truly a malevolent person who made statements about putting broken glass in my food, for example. She stopped talking to my parents or seeing them, and would go for a week without talking to me. My ex-wife was a horribly toxic woman who never really took marriage vows seriously. I heard that young children at the school where she still teaches (after having retired and a 3rd failed marriage) run from her and call her "the witch." Right from the mouth of babes. I even started referring to her as Miss Gulch to my BFF right after we married, and my late analyst referred to her as Baba Yaga - the cannabalistic witch of Russian folklore. We can't all be wrong. :lol: After 4 years of saving money, dating, and recuperation from 13 years of bad relationship, I met my present wife, bought my first house, and have had the happiest 19 years of my life. :yesnod: I wish happiness for you too!





Oh dude, so sorry but happy you're in a much better relationship!!!


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:heartpump::heartpump: :heartpump::heartpump:


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InvisiblePocketLady
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Registered: 01/18/10
Posts: 1,773
Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #22089949 - 08/14/15 03:29 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I've killed people in my dreams before. I think it's supposed to represent you "killing" an aspect of yourself. I've also had a dream that my partner teamed up with this woman who was chasing me and trying to kill me. They caught me in the end, and she was about to kill me, but just as I woke up at this point, I had this thought that he was about to turn on her and kill her instead. Weird.


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Love is from the infinite, and will remain until eternity.
The seeker of love escapes the chains of birth and death.
Tomorrow, when resurrection comes,
The heart that is not in love will fail the test.

~ Rumi



The day we start giving Love instead of seeking Love, we will have re-written our whole destiny.
~ Swami Chinmayanada Saraswatir


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InvisibleCowb0yNeal00
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: PocketLady]
    #22091575 - 08/14/15 02:53 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

It all rolls into one.


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OnlineKickleM
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #22092035 - 08/14/15 05:04 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

You're a good man JSB :thumbup:


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Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction?
Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain


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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Registered: 12/09/99
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Re: Subconsciously depressed/consciously happy & content? [Re: pachoo]
    #22097894 - 08/16/15 08:18 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Thanks!


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γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself


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