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OfflineManianFHS
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My fiance and her brother
    #22057795 - 08/07/15 10:21 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

They are in the middle of this giant feud. Hes got an ex wife that is sticking around for some reason, but my fiance wants nothing to do with her because she takes advantage of their family (they have a kid together). So she was uninvited to the wedding, and this was something that my fiance would not change her mind on, despite her entire family pleading with her to just invite the chick. Now her brother and her are at odds, hes not coming to the wedding, and sounds like are 'never talking again'...

Neither of them are really wrong with their 'side'... I am not sure how to get involved to try and encourage reconciliation, or maybe I should just stay out of it, and let them come around when they come around. Really sucks. I believe that few things in life are more important than family, so when shit is out of whack, it needs to be fixed. But thats my perspective and I suppose I should let them take their course.

I assume its only a matter of time before the ex-wife does more shit to fuck over their family (she has done her share as it stands already), and when that happens that will open up the possibility for communication between the siblings again. But that could be years. He seems like a pretty cool guy worth hanging out with, but its hard for me to have any kind of relationship if my wife feels disrespected by him, and he refuses to make things right...


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notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."


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OfflinePed
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Re: My fiance and her brother [Re: ManianFH]
    #22058430 - 08/07/15 12:05 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

As she is your fiancé, her family is soon to become your family; her brother is soon to be your brother in law, and that necessarily involves you in the dispute to some extent. The trick is in figuring out what your familial roles and responsibilities are within the current dynamic, and in being mindful about acting appropriately within those boundaries.

Putting myself in your shoes, I would limit myself to emotionally supporting my fiancé, listening to what she has to say about the matter, and offering input where it's appropriate, helpful, and most of all welcome.  I would not attempt to intervene or mediate the dispute, as it's difficult to imagine a positive outcome emerging from that.  If you are unsuccessful in your attempts to mediate, her family is liable to become polarized in their acceptance of you, with some harbouring undue resentment and others harbouring undue favour.  If you are successful in your attempts to mediate, you become liable to be called upon as mediator again and again, and that's a potentially bottomless can of worms and a source of constant strain.

Chances are probably pretty low that your fiancé and her brother will disown one another.  That notion is probably just an emotionally charged reaction, or a device used to apply pressure. 

I think it's fair for you to say that you'd prefer the wedding to be harmonious, and not an event that anyone regrets attending or not attending.  It's not unreasonable to remind her that marriages are best served when the wedding is a joyful celebration as opposed to a platform for familial disputes and bitterness.  If you can find a gentle, compassionate way to convey that, perhaps her priorities will align with it as well.

Tread lightly and good luck!

Disclaimer: I have never been engaged.


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OfflineManianFHS
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Re: My fiance and her brother [Re: ManianFH]
    #22061364 - 08/08/15 01:43 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Thank you.


--------------------
notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."


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