|
death-rebirth
seeker



Registered: 08/04/15
Posts: 34
Loc: the bottom
|
I'm going through changes.
#22040952 - 08/04/15 07:21 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Log in to view attachment
Hello all.
I just created my second account on here. The first was made some years ago and I hadn't posted very much under that alias. I am a regular commuter to this hub of experience and advice. I decided to create a new account because I feel it is time that I begin sharing my own words and intuition about certain topics. I very much enjoy reading about everyone's personal connection, or lack there of, to this sphere we inhabit. Spiraling in and out of what is real and what is imagined. I have to say thank you to everyone, especially the moderators who keep this ship at sea.
I am many things. I am a man. I am brother. I am an adult. I am an artist. I am a musician. I am an explorer. I am a pothead. I am an alcoholic.
I am at the end of my twenties. It has been one hell of a ride. Some days I feel like I belong. Some days I feel so connected to this beautiful planet. And just as everything has a polar opposite, some days I feel like dying is a solution to my internal conflicts. I have tried to take my life only once and regret that day ever happened. I was in a very bad place emotionally and physically. I began eating handfuls of antidepressants, and by the end of that week I decided to finish the bottle in one gulp. I have never taken those types of drugs before that time or after. Needless to say I survived. Waking up after a failed suicide attempt made me even more upset. I checked myself into the hospital two days later, tears still on my face. After not receiving any help and spending 3 days in almost solitary confinement I started to rearrange my perception for the better. I checked myself out of that place after 84 insufferable hours. This all took place within the first week of January 2012.
It is 3:30 am PST right now. I am listening to Black Sabbath and sitting here with my favorite little mirror. This past Saturday I met up with a friend who is about 8 years younger than myself. The same age as my brother. This friend is also my band mate. We are together a lot, the three of us, playing music or just hanging out. My brother and I recently moved to the west coast. We were born and raised on the east side of the country. I have been here on the west coast for about 4 months and it has been the best change of my life. So as I was saying, Saturday morning came and we all got together again. I was heading out the door to do a little grocery shopping and asked my friend to come along. On the ride over to the store my friend told me he has been awake since Friday morning. He hadn't slept because the day before he had insufflated 90mg of Adderall XR. I am very sensitive to stimulants and have experienced the adderall hangover more than once. He told me he wasn't feeling great and having mild panic attacks come and go. We talked more while I collected what I needed from the supermarket.
Him and I both know it is nice to have a benzo or mild opiate to combat the come down more comfortably. I don't have any connections out here and his are too far and hard to reach. I was already planning to buying myself a couple of beers for tonight's practice and suggested to him this alternative. A 30 pack might be too much because once I start drinking, I intend to finish and that might present a problem later when I am trying to concentrate on drumming. So a 12 pack seemed suitable.
When we returned to the pad, we found my brother asleep. He had worked all morning (7am-3pm I believe). It was now around 4:30pm and the first beers were opened....
I will recall the next set of events in approximate time order:
Sat 8/1/15, 6pm -- the beer is all gone and we are still pretty thirsty. I walk around to the corner mart and pick up another 12 pack of cheap beer accompanied this time with a 375mL flask of inexpensive Kentucky bourbon. I was feeling good from the first round of drinking but wanted to go a little farther. My brother was still asleep and at this point I really didn't care about band practice. I just wanted to drink.
Sat 8/1/15, 8pm -- nearing the end of the next round of beers. It's only been about 3 or 4 hours since we started drinking. I wanted to hide the flask of bourbon when I came back from the store because I wanted to surprise him with it after the beer was gone. With beers in hand, and maybe one or two left in the fridge, he informs me that one of his friends living nearby wanted to give him a few of her pills when she finished her shift at work. Because she had more than she needed and they are good friends she doesn't mind sharing. He asked me if I wanted to get in on that type of action. I was a little skeptical at first but I asked what kind of medication it was. She was offering him antidepressants and now he is offering them to me. Reminding myself of that episode I had in 2012 I politely declined. I asked if she had anything else and he said yes, she has a prescription of benzos as well. I am aware of the dangers present when mixing alcohol and other drugs, but under the influence I decided this night is about to get a whole lot better! 
Sat 8/1/15, 9pm -- the beer was gone and he was most definitely surprised to see I had a little bit whiskey chilling in the freezer. I had nothing on my mind except a budding desire to get a hold of these pills and turn this night upside down. She wasn't answering any calls or text messages and we were growing anxious. Then, suddenly, things changed...
Sat 8/1/15, 9:30pm -- we were already engaged in heavy conversation about mixing drugs with alcohol and even further talking about mixing drugs with other drugs. All this drug talk was giving me huge cravings. We tossed in the idea of methamphetamine. Both of us, never having experienced this compound, were extremely curious. I have read countless trip reports and experience logs surrounding this taboo synthetic. I say to him, "who the hell would we get it from?". He replies, "dude, this is ___________ and there are tweakers everywhere!". Both of us intoxicated and still drinking began to really entertain this new idea.
Sat 8/1/15, 9:45pm -- what started as a joke is now becoming a reality. Still, there was no one we knew to get this for us. And handing money to some street walker at night was a sure fire way to get burned. The back lot where we practice is fenced in and locked up. Back there is where we smoke/get fresh air/take a break from jamming/etc. Outside the fence there are two very large dumpsters and every night I find a very beautiful homeless girl digging through them. When I see her I always say hello and usually offer her any recyclables I have so she can get some money in the morning along with what she has collected. The first night we talked she opened up to me and told me a lot of personal shit. I only communicate through the fence. She is a heroin addict and has no intention of stopping. Back inside the jam space I proposed a plan. "I know how we can score something", I said..
Sat 8/1/15, 10pm -- I pour a couple of shots and told him we could step out back and see if she is out there. It is still a shot in the dark at this point. He agrees and we carry on outside. As if it were meant to be, there she was. Rattling through garbage looking for bottles and cans to recycle. We approached the fence and I called her over. I told her it was nice to see her again and immediately gave to her some bottles she could cash in. I'm an alcoholic but at this point I was certainly inebriated. I told her how beautiful she is and how incredible she looked two days ago in this long floral dress she found in the trash. I'm not kidding, this girl is gorgeous. Then I popped the question..
me-"Hey, is there any chance you can get some shit tonight?"
her-"Oh yeah totally. How much are you guys looking for?"
me-"Well... I don't really know anyone and I don't want to get ripped off. So like maybe $10. Where do you need to go to get it?"
her-"Just around the corner, it'll be quick. Do you have the money?"
me-"Yeah I do but like, are we gonna get hooked up?"
her-"Oh yeah for sure. Give me the money, I'll be right back..."
I handed her two five dollar bills. One I pulled from my wallet and the other I pulled out of my sleeping brother's wallet. I didn't realize I spent all the cash I was carrying on alcohol and needed that other 5. But wait? OH SHIT!? I forgot to ask her to get us some ice. Like I mentioned before, she is a doper and now my friend and I were worried not only because we just handed a homeless woman behind the garbage can 10 dollars for drugs, but also worried for what we were about to receive. Heroin or Meth? She was gone and back in under 10 minutes and through the fence bars she handed me a small knotted bag. I asked her if it was crank because we never really established what I was looking for. Under the pale distant streetlamp light, I was trying to examine to score. Without hesitation she said yes it was meth and thought that was what I wanted. To be honest, I didn't care what it was going to be, I just wanted to get high. We were relieved and said farewell.
8/1/15, 10:25pm -- like two kids returning home with a brand new toy, we were very excited. Perhaps excited is an understatement. I broke the knot and emptied the baggie. One small but fascinating piece of glass tumbled out. I have seen pictures online, but never been so close to this reputable devil. I am a veteran drug user and I know that the very first thing we must do with this perfectly shaped shard was to scale it up and see how much it weighs. It was exactly 300mg of crystal clear crank. Both of us in awe as if we just watched a baby being born. It's party time.. I separated 100mg and put the rest back in the bag. I crushed up what I had out as fine as I could and split it in half. Two piles approximately 50mg each (+/-5mg). Now dividing one pile into two lines for us to test. Diving right in as if we knew already what we were doing. Now keep in mind the alcohol buzz was still present. We experimented with the first two lines and waited about 10 or 15 minutes to note any effect. It had a bit of a burning sensation going in but after those first 15 minutes we didn't have any real profound effects. Now I split the second pile into quarters (about 12.5mg each). We each did another line and have around 35-38mg in our systems. Within seconds of blowing the next line I was hit hard with the most euphoric sensation I've ever felt. Climbing steady, this sensation grew from being a "whoa, this is kinda good" feeling, to a "OMFG THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!!!" feeling.
8/1/15, 10:45pm -- I have never been this high this fast. I have experimented with uppers many times and I can definitely feel a huge difference with this one but also a very common stimulation. Some big differences are: it felt incredibly clean with zero body load or discomfort, it was extremely potent but not threatening (i was extremely high but not a hint of paranoia), it is unbelievably cheap (300mg for $10. is this common? or do you think the dealer gave a little extra to hook us. I suspect the latter). We were off to a great start until my brother woke up and found us sitting at the computer with a small pile of drugs in front of us. He knows everything I have done in my life and I do not lie to him. I told him what it was and he overreacted. It was when he checked his wallet and noticed money missing that sent him over the edge. I felt horrible (and soo fucking good from the stimulation). I was apologizing but he was ready to kill me. I could see it in his eyes.
8/2/15, 12am -- things between my brother and I have cooled off significantly. I insisted that I borrowed the 5 and was going to give it back in the morning. I don't know what exactly made him chill out, but I was way too fucking high to care or even question it. A little over an hour later and I was still climbing higher and higher and completely calm about it. We spent the next few hours talking spiritually and commenting on our experiment. I felt so goddamn high and I knew I was going to be good for a while so I decided no to touch my last 12mg until I had a guaranteed feeling that I can handle a little more.
8/2/15, 7am -- I was still zooming at speeds unfamiliar to myself, but I was now ready to take the last line. I took mine but my friend waited a little later to do his. For the last 5 hours I have been on my laptop computer looking at porn and wanting so badly to pleasure myself but I knew that if did indeed masturbate, it was going to take more effort than usual. "Helmet in the Bush" - KoRn, a song about trying to kick meth but the title describes in perfect detail the look of male genitalia while the man is high on meth. Just a shriveled head buried in pubic hair.
8/2/15, 10am -- still very very high, but the initial rush and climax were shifting into a more calm speedy thrust like that of adderall. I was still looking at porn and wishing I could go take care of myself haha. And my friend is beginning his third day of being awake with no sleep between. I had to work at 11:30.
8/2/15, 5:30pm -- now I am still very pleasantly high, but the rush is subsiding. I feel great. It has been a clean and clear high with a surprisingly clear come down. But I wasn't coming down yet, I only thought I was. I returned from work to find everyone hanging out at the jam space. Everyone was just chilling out listening to music. My friend was still there and we decided to go outside and talk a while about what we went through over the last 19 hours. We were both very pleased with the results and agreed that the stigma around meth is not only misleading, but also that some information was downright false. I didn't start coming down until the twilight hours of Monday morning. Oh and Sunday after work I was so blank from any thoughts. I was just kind of pacing a lot and making small talk to myself for my own enjoyment. I knew it was the after effects but still they were pleasant.
******please be advised that we were also smoking medicinal cannabis from the start. I didn't feel compelled to add every instance we would go outside to burn one because we use it daily. I will say that even on a moderate dose of tweak, the weed was a good compliment. As always.
Now the current time is 5:55am PST. I was able to get a little sleep this morning but now I am back on. I have a good bit of stuff left and intend on using it for a better purpose than just getting high. All of us who have used stimulants in order to increase ability to learn and perform know what I mean. I am a drummer and when I play high on stims, my drumming skills increase overnight (if I wasn't caught up masturbating for hours). I weighed out about 10-15mg and consumed it before I started typing. I was drunk when I tried it first and now I wanted to experiment while sober. The dose is smaller so I didn't get the 1000mph come up as before, but I am feeling great and certainly energetic. And horny lol.
Well there is my first post. If you made it through the whole thing, I thank you for reading. I will return with more stories and insight when I have something worthwhile to talk about. I would love to hear some comments or even better some questions! Take care Boomers!
ps.
don't steal money to buy drugs from a homeless person. unless it's from the pretty girl behind my place. she hooks it up! hahaha
--------------------
|
1234go
Ban Lotto Champion


Registered: 07/08/09
Posts: 53,887
|
|
Quote:
death-rebirth said: Hello all.
I just created my second account on here.


TL;DR
|
Malcolm_Xtasy
Oh baby what Is you doin??



Registered: 04/04/12
Posts: 13,851
Loc:
|
Re: I'm going through changes. [Re: 1234go] 1
#22040970 - 08/04/15 07:33 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
-------------------- I'm stupid, Enlil is smart. I'm ugly, Enlil is beautiful. I'm a loser, Enlil is a winner. Someday, I hope to be like Enlil but secretly know I never will.
|
ModestMouse
IM WALKIN ON SUNSHINE



Registered: 05/06/13
Posts: 19,227
Loc: Upstate
|
|
 Sounds like a good time
-------------------- Anyone got a lowpass filter in this biiiiash?
|
dpomalia
Strange


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 986
Last seen: 8 years, 16 days
|
Re: I'm going through changes. [Re: ModestMouse]
#22040993 - 08/04/15 07:48 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Would've been better if she brought you the heroin back. IMHO but to each his own. Why mix a depressant and stimulant? Get down and go downers. FTW
|
death-rebirth
seeker



Registered: 08/04/15
Posts: 34
Loc: the bottom
|
Re: I'm going through changes. [Re: dpomalia]
#22041006 - 08/04/15 07:53 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Quote:
dpomalia said: Would've been better if she brought you the heroin back. IMHO FTW
i would have been content with that. but it was fun to test drive a new vehicle.
--------------------
|
OhMrJohnson
Ashes Against The Grain

Registered: 01/12/14
Posts: 17,544
Loc: Terra Incognita
|
|
Whenever I see gigantic walls of text like that it instantly makes me go
--------------------
Diminish the sub-principle and leave its toxic trace.. Once and for all!
|
death-rebirth
seeker



Registered: 08/04/15
Posts: 34
Loc: the bottom
|
Re: I'm going through changes. [Re: OhMrJohnson]
#22041402 - 08/04/15 10:22 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Quote:
OhMrJohnson said: Whenever I see gigantic walls of text like that it instantly makes me go 
oh mister johnson... why are you so hard to please..?
--------------------
|
OhMrJohnson
Ashes Against The Grain

Registered: 01/12/14
Posts: 17,544
Loc: Terra Incognita
|
|
I just have the attention span of a goldfish
--------------------
Diminish the sub-principle and leave its toxic trace.. Once and for all!
|
death-rebirth
seeker



Registered: 08/04/15
Posts: 34
Loc: the bottom
|
Re: I'm going through changes. [Re: OhMrJohnson]
#22041440 - 08/04/15 10:29 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
--------------------
|
Thayendanegea
quiet walker



Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 7,596
Loc: 7 Lodges Nation
|
Re: I'm going through changes. [Re: OhMrJohnson]
#22041584 - 08/04/15 10:57 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Your story reminds me of my younger days....just switch cocaine for the meth. Up for a couple days, the horny feeling,shit tons of alcohol mixed in. It's called "living better by chemistry" and it doesn't end well. Our bodies and minds are extraordinary engines but they can only take so much....and when you hit that point, it's a fucking mess. I would urge you to slow down on the chemical highs and lows and try to find some true happiness that comes from being in love, or giving freely....it is much healthier.
I don't know you and you probably don't care what I say...but, I can say that I've been down that road and it nearly killed me several times. I wish you well.
-------------------- Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better. Albert Einstein
|
death-rebirth
seeker



Registered: 08/04/15
Posts: 34
Loc: the bottom
|
|
Quote:
Thayendanegea said:
I don't know you and you probably don't care what I say...but, I can say that I've been down that road and it nearly killed me several times. I wish you well. 
thanks Thayendanegea, your words carry weight with me. I have been jumping around browsing topics and I will say this is a very genuine answer from a compassionate person.
--------------------
|
|