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Offlinedel_phoenix
Amateur Funguy
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Registered: 11/21/14
Posts: 147
Loc: The Great Abyss(Chicago)
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
My Life
    #22039075 - 08/03/15 07:08 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Used heroin as a teenager, from an older friend of a friend.  Experimented with every drug i could get my hands on by the time i was 20. The week I turned 21, I got arrested for trying to take a ladies money from an atm, and I had heroin on me.  I've been to rehab, jail(2 months for that robbery) and despite getting some clean time here and there I always go back.  6 months ago or so I moved to Chicago with my fiance, and I was getting clean because I didnt know anyone..  Then before I know it, I'm driving down the highway, and a guy rolls down his window, and tosses me a bag of heroin, along with his phone number.  Since then, Ive been spending so much money(50$/day)..
My fiance has never done any drugs, but got laid off her new job due to budget cuts.
I had to borrow money from DAD to pay rent, but I am still finding excuses to drive 45 minutes away to cop... nearly every single day.
I went to a psychiatrist last week for the first time ever. 
He diagnosed me major depressive, anxiety, and add.  He prescribed Welbutrin (buproprion) xl 150mg daily, and gave me 30 .5mg klonopin, which a was glad to have, becaus i told my fiance i would quit dope once I am able to fix my underlying issues that I am self-medicating.
I got heroin again today, despite DROWNING financially I spent 50$. Later the same day, after some research, I tried injecting the welbutrin 150mg xl.  It was similar to a ritalin/adderal high, but more anxiety, and no euphoria whatsoever.  I actually feel awful now, but i'm thinking about injecting more after I drink a few beers.
I have a court case pending from heroin bags discovered after a traffic stop. If the cop is honest in his report, the case should be dropped as it was an illegal search(no probable cause to search based on empty bag, q-tip in plain site).
I am just so stressed out about everything going on. I am 26, have done nothing with my life, my fiance has ms, and recently lost her job. I cant stop doing heroin. I am trying to quit starting now, but I cant stop thinking about how good it feels, and how it would allieviate all my discomfort.  I didnt tell the psychiatrist about my drug use, because I know it can limit what he can prescribe, as well as influence SSDI later down the road, if I seek it.
I just want to feel better, find purpose, and stop being a burden on society. I feel like my life is ruined, and I want to blame it on America's "war on drugs".  But then I start hating myself because damnit, I should have enough self control to stop driving to the ghetto and buying heroin. I have experienced being in debt, getting jumped by a gang in a drug deal robbery, which left me with several broken ribs and contusions.  For most people, I feel like any one of the negative consequences would make them say "okay.. thats about enough of that".  But me... it's like i'm curious to see just how much I can ruin my life, as well as those around me.
I honestly can't wait for my miserable life to be over. I couldn't commit suicide, but I really do welcome death at this point. When there's some fluke car crash with fatalies, I'll think "man why couldnt that have been me?" 
Some people assume there was some trauma earlier in my life that caused me to "act out" the way i do. I can think of dozens of things that definitely werent normal, but I feel like this is commonplace for lots of people, yet not everyone turns to drugs.
I want to make everyone proud. I want to love myself again, but I feel like i've tried everything, and I beg you God, please, please lead me out of this dark place. I don't want to be here any more.


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OfflineNoOneWillRemember
Stranger

Registered: 07/25/15
Posts: 7
Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
Re: My Life [Re: del_phoenix] * 1
    #22039964 - 08/03/15 09:43 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Have you thought about trying to start taking Suboxone?  It sounds like your in a pretty desperate situation so anything is going to be better than where you are at right now.

I was in your shoes several years ago and although I still take Suboxone daily, Im glad I did it.

If you have insurance its 'probably' covered.  If you do not have insurance, call around to different docs and explain that you do not have insurance and "will the doctor prescribe the lower cost generic?"  Some doctors will and some will not.  When you call, expect a few of them to tell you there is no generic for them, but its untrue.  Without insurance the suboxone strips are $10 each, but generics can be had for around $3-4 each.

After you get on suboxone, take half of what the doctor tells you to take each day.  Doctors always start people on way too high of a dose and its really not needed.  This stuff actually works better at lower doses with fewer side effects... so try to overcome the addict mind telling you to take more.

You will probably spend about $150/month for the doctor visit and at most $300/month on your script (maybe less).  Thats far better than your current rate of 1500/month habit.

Dont expect your change over to suboxone to be easy peasy.  It will be a bit uncomfortable for the first week or two.  Continue seeing your therapist to treat your underlying issues.

Ideally you would SLOWLY taper off of subs somewhere down the road.  However I have pretty much commited myself to taking these for the rest of my life.  Its much better than I would proabbly be at today still on herion though.  With insurance it costs me about $100 a month for the visit and script so theres not much pushing me to wien off honestly.

Suboxone is some pretty serious stuff and its sorta like trading one drug for another 'legal' drug.  Its more addicting in some ways than herion but you can lower your doses really low before quitting. 

Theres also Methadone but that would likely result in you having to drive to the ghetto each day from 5am-9am and being treated like a criminal from some nurse while she watches you take your dose.  Methadone in my parts runs about $14/day.  I dont suggest Methadone unless suboxone just totally fails you.

Dont focus on fixing this whole situation all at once (ie: cold turkey).  Get legal, get help, then work on becoming completely sober.

I rarely check this forum so if you want to discuss anymore, just send me a private message.  Im glad to help out in any way I can... Judgement free, realistic advice from someone who has been there already and done that.


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Offlinem4dScientist
Music Always Helps
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Registered: 08/04/14
Posts: 1,616
Last seen: 10 months, 25 days
Re: My Life [Re: NoOneWillRemember]
    #22040121 - 08/03/15 10:47 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

hey man.

this is coming from an addict/alcoholic, so don't take this as me judging, because ive experienced everything you just mentioned, and worse.

first off, youre self sabotaging like a mother fucker. you know what insanity is??? doing the same thing over n over, expecting different results. you shoot up your antidepressant (which is insane by the way), say it made you feel awful, n then no more than 2 seconds later go on to say youre gonna try injecting more later with a few beers. you really think shooting up wellbutrin is going to solve any of your problems???

my philosophy is, and always has been, when the pain gets great enough, youll stop. youre in a predicament because you still get relief from shooting up. you said you know how it will alleviate your problems, and you keep thinking about how good it feels. well, my case in point, the pain isn't great enough homie. I used to put a drink or drug into my body and I felt NO relief. nothing but pure guilt and disgust. there was no relief anymore. it was merely a means of trying to slowly kill myself cause I didn't have the balls to do it myself. my run ended when I ran from the cops in my car, and drove into a river in an attempt to drown myself. this was after I had pushed everyone out of my life, and no one wanted anything to do with me.

as with any addictions, you cant quit with a half assed approach. you have to want to quit, 100%. every ounce of your being must say, "im fuckin done with this shit." you cant be on the fence, as it seems you are at the moment. youll come up with every justification in the world to continue using.

this has been my experience. I hope youre able to prove me wrong. youre young, and you still have plenty of time to earn back your self respect and turn your life around. but you have to be done with drugs. you cant be drinking, and shooting up your antidepressant, expecting things to turn around. abstain from all drugs and alcohol, give your brain some time to recuperate, and IN TIME, changes will slowly start happening. things will be okay, but youre in the drivers seat.

make it happen bro. :heartpump:


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OfflinePed
Interested In Your Brain
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Registered: 08/30/99
Posts: 5,494
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
Re: My Life [Re: del_phoenix]
    #22041796 - 08/04/15 11:46 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

>> I am 26, have done nothing with my life, my fiance has ms, and recently lost her job. I cant stop doing heroin.

>> I want to make everyone proud. I want to love myself again, but I feel like i've tried everything, and I beg you God, please, please lead me out of this dark place. I don't want to be here any more.

Embedded in your story is a polarity between who you think you are now, and who you'd rather be or become.  It's while caught in the space between these two imaginary versions of yourself that you suffer and remain paralyzed.  Heroin temporarily tranquillizes the misery of being caught in that trap, but ultimately lands you squarely back in it, its snare closed even tighter than before.  Ultimately, neither the person you think you are nor the person you'd rather be or become are true.  Who you are is defined by what you do right now, moment to moment to moment.

Addressing the psychology of this involves a decision to thoroughly and completely abandon identification with all the mistakes and poor decisions that have brought you to where you are now, and to thoroughly and completely abandon attachment to where you'd rather be.  If you can grok this even for an instant, you'll glimpse how liberating it is, and you'll feel as though you've gained an extra degree of mobility with which to navigate moment to moment to moment.  It's with this degree of mobility that you can make more constructive decisions which precipitate a more constructive future, whatever that turns out to be.

Also on the psychological side of things, you can begin your departure from heroin by setting attainable goals about which you can feel proud.  You can say to yourself, "I will not do any heroin while I am asleep tonight," and when you wake up you'll have kept a promise that is--though seemingly silly at first--a meaningful kindness done to yourself upon which you can build further kindnesses and successes.  While awake, you can say to yourself "I will not do any heroin for the next five minutes."  During that five minutes, you'll have stopped doing heroin.  After five minutes have passed, you have accomplished something meaningful, and you can repeat the exercise.  Gradually, you can dilate the aperture to "ten minutes", then "one hour," "one day,"; for each interval you'll be someone who has stopped doing heroin, and who can grow in the pride of that accomplishment.  Immediately after each promise is kept, in that moment you'll have done something kind and constructive right now, and it's what you are doing right now--not before or later--that makes a modicum of sense to identify with.  Nurture it, and it will grow.

While repeating less constructive patterns such as using heroin, instead of damning yourself for doing something harmful, simply ask yourself "Is this really useful?  Is this really making me happy?  Is this something I'm really served by doing?"  Answering these questions isn't important, because you already know the answer and do not need to draw lines under it.  Trust in that.  All that's important is to continually inquire without judging or condemning: each time you do so, you are contacting an incorruptible wisdom inside yourself that's always been there, and always will be there.  It is the part of you that is not addicted to heroin, and identifying with it is closer to what's actually true. Nurture it, and it will grow.

In a sentence, what I'm suggesting is to stop nurturing what's not true or healthy about yourself, and to start nurturing what is true and healthy about yourself.  Each time you find yourself doing the reverse, renew the intention and begin again; again and again without judging or condemning.  The part of you that knows what's unhealthy is healthy by definition, and it is a healthier basis upon which to impute your identity thereby.

Heroin addiction also has a physical dimension.  As has been mentioned, medications like suboxone can help address that side of things, which will in turn make it easier for you to undertake the psychological effort.


>> I don't want to be here any more.

This yearning is like a forcefield holding you here.  It is the root of that feeling of paralysis.  You can think of it like a Chinese finger trap: the more urgent it is that you free yourself from it, the more ensnared you become. The way out is to abandon that urgency, to abandon preoccupation with being 26, with not accomplishing what you wish you'd accomplished, with your heroin compulsion, with making everyone proud, with loving yourself, and most importantly with getting away from where you just are.  By thoroughly and completely abandoning all those preoccupations, their reality starts to evaporate on its own.

No matter where you are, there you are.  Refusing it or hating it only keeps you there, because the preoccupation this entails tricks you into identifying with it.  To start any journey, you must first begin where you are, and this involves accepting and agreeing with where you just are, as that cancels the preoccupation and allows you to focus your mind elsewhere, identifying with more constructive things no matter how small and incremental they may be.


--------------------


:poison: Dark Triangles - New Psychedelic Techno Single - Listen on Soundcloud :poison:
Gyroscope full album available SoundCloud or MySpace


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Invisiblechampinhom
Lord Justhappensness
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Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 987
Re: My Life [Re: del_phoenix]
    #22045611 - 08/05/15 02:17 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Sometimes people have to really bottom out before they can quit. Maybe that is what you are doing now, bottoming out. I sincerely hope you have reached as low as you can go.

I would check out AA or something like it.


--------------------
My father used to say: I don't care what else you do in life, just don't be an asshole. People, forgive me when I forget what my daddy said.

Cut back the proliferating list of people whose opinions can hurt you. Unless they have done or want to do you some good, their views are just not worth tracking.
Saul Bellow

“People are just cannibals unless they leave each other alone.” Doris Lessing

Those whom the gods would save, they dower with compassion. Mr. P.  Silocybin


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
High on Spite
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Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
Re: My Life [Re: del_phoenix]
    #22061630 - 08/08/15 06:28 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Yeah get on health insurance and start going to a sub dr. and take it seriously.  Don't let yourself slip.

You're already in a high-risk situation, and the fact that drugs lead you to rob someone before should tell you that you should not let yourself go any further.  That is totally unacceptable and when you do things like that there will be consequences not just for you but you're letting yourself justify hurting other people.

The first couple weeks on suboxone can be really tough, as you'll probably still have the feeling like you want to get high.  Just stick it out though because it is so much better than depending on illegal sources and taking ridiculous risks just to get through the day.


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