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InvisiblelIXII
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Loc: Ol cane hills
Am I making a mistake to let this one get away?
    #22033730 - 08/02/15 02:29 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I've been seeing a woman for about 3 months now. We have a lot of common goals, activities & interests, but in general we haven't gotten along very well. I've never been one for arguing, but we struggle to understand each other's needs & communication styles. She's fairly high maintenance in general, but I enjoy providing for my partner & find it to come naturally when things are stable. Given that there isn't much of a foundation for us yet, it's been a challenge for me to open up to her emotionally, which is a big part of what she feels is missing, naturally.

She's a very dependable, giving & loyal person and has been willing to suffer through my primitive living conditions (no running water in an uncomfortable old house in the country). She also has been the most helpful person I've dated, in terms of my homesteading and small natural products/medicine business, on the few days we didn't spend arguing. Our sexual chemistry is fantastic & we both feel that each other are the best match we've experienced in that department. I've had fewer, longer relationships & she's had many more romantic partners.

Basically, we have really different backgrounds. I've worked my way through the educational system, run a small business for 13 years & small folk-medical practice in the country. I have a lot of 1st hand practical experience living independently, construction, livestock etc. She has mostly made her living from stripping as a young adult, then bartending & now trimming out in CA. She comes from a broken, poor family situation in small town appalachia, whereas I come from a fairly healthy & comfortable rural appalachian family setting. She is extremely bright & smart, & I would say that she's gotten to where she has largely by recognizing patterns in people & catering to these patterns in order to succeed socially. Since I don't conform to these 'ordinary ' patterns very much, it has defied her abilities & she struggles to understand/see me.

She's been extremely committed to making it work, regardless of the high degree of suffering. Our communication inevitably ends up resulting in one person feeling hurt by the other, when in reality nothing hurtful is really said. It's been very unusual, but yet we have developed a deep love for each other & a certain type of chemistry that keeps us wanting to try.

Both of us have essentially sacrificed our lives for each other for 3 months. It keeps feeling like success is just around the corner. If we could only have one week where it just works, then it might enable us to turn it around, but we can never seem to make it happen & we end up getting nothing done. We both want a small family farm/homesteading situation & have the same living preferences in general.

At one point, she almost walked away & was literally driving away from my house, then decided to come back & try again. After that point, we have each had other occasions of saying that we were done & walking away, but then ultimately deciding to try again. I feel that we've gotten to a point where it's too painful to justify. Neither of us wants to hurt the other, but it's happening anyways. We essentially just ended the relationship over the phone, but it was very clear that she desperately wants me to reach out & tell her everything is ok & that I want to give it one more chance. & in a big way, I want to give it another chance, but it just seems crazy now. I think the best thing is to let it go, a relationship should be really fun & exciting in the beginning. But she is a fantastic person & maybe we could get *there* am I giving up too soon?

Thanks shroomery, hopefully someone can make it through that chunk of sappy bullshit :wink:

In short, I guess it's basically over, but I haven't really explained the whole picture to anyone because I didn't want to ruin my friend's/family's picture of us/her. I'm just checking to make sure I'm not crazy for walking away, she's a super hot, smart, giving person & she'd basically die to make it work, but I just don't think we can get on the same page & end the suffering.


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,672
Re: Am I making a mistake to let this one get away? [Re: lIXII]
    #22033747 - 08/02/15 02:32 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

So what's the pattern of you hurting each other over and over again? Seems like if you can nail that and work on it, either or both, you might be in for a good run.


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InvisiblelIXII
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Re: Am I making a mistake to let this one get away? [Re: koraks]
    #22033775 - 08/02/15 02:38 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Yeargh, I know, it's what keeps us at it. I hurt her by not opening up enough to her & by feeling unsafe & she hurts me by just not getting me. I also think that we have different communication styles & it frequently seems that what makes one person feel good makes the other feel threatened.


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,672
Re: Am I making a mistake to let this one get away? [Re: lIXII]
    #22033805 - 08/02/15 02:43 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Yeah, I see your point. Maybe she just expects more elaborate signals from you for her to feel that you have opened up to her, but perhaps that's just not how you work. Sounds like the key is for her to trust what you say (however little signs you give of affection) and vice versa accept that she probably will never entirely 'get' you, but that that might be the very thing that is so nice about you.


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InvisiblelIXII
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Re: Am I making a mistake to let this one get away? [Re: koraks]
    #22033862 - 08/02/15 02:54 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Yes, that is all very accurate. What led to the talk of breaking up was that she basically reached a point of ultimatum, "if it doesn't work on x trip for the next week, then we should throw in the towel for good". & then she requested comforting, positive thoughts about the trip. I can't really function with such an ultimatum & couldn't summon the positivity. Lots of catch 22's.

It's also a lot more difficult to travel with her & her dogs, & I have a pretty travel heavy lifestyle... I have a fair bit of stress building because I've been putting off necessary business related travel plans all summer & now have to do it all in the next month or two which is nearly impossible. I can't see a realistic way to incorporate her into those plans & still be as productive as necessary, & that's killing us both.


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,672
Re: Am I making a mistake to let this one get away? [Re: lIXII]
    #22033944 - 08/02/15 03:09 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Well, the ultimatum is obviously a silly and counterproductive measure and I trust you have pointed this out to her and she understood. If she was serious about it (even after a cooling down period), I'd definitely say she's difficult, or at least awkward.

The incompatibility of lifestyles sounds like more of a practical issue. Are you actually living together (or have been)? It might help to build something if you don't have to spend all of your time together. An all-or-nothing approach puts a lot of emotional pressure and practical difficulties on top of you communication problems. Would it be wrong to see each other whenever you're not traveling, or perhaps even only on (extended) weekends? You mention you've been seeing her for 3 months, but does that also mean you didn't know each other beforehand? It sounds like you guys are hitting it pretty hard right away; why not have some good times together and spend some time apart as well, so you can create a bond and explore how to adjust to each other? And you'll need the good times you're having that way as a basis to fall back on when (not if; it's inevitable for any couple) it ever gets difficult ahead.

Why not take it slow?


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InvisiblelIXII
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Re: Am I making a mistake to let this one get away? [Re: koraks]
    #22034159 - 08/02/15 04:06 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Yeah, I have a long running theme of it getting serious really fast, which is usually though not always, too fast. The right person for me happens quickly, but unfortunately so do the wrong ones.

It's probably due to my lifestyle, which is very seductive, my appearance (we're mostly all shallow of course) & I've always been emotionally competent with women, middle child & only sisters :b. Basically I can't slow it down enough, but agree that it would certainly help prevent troubles of this kind. I'm getting better at that though.

I think at this point, since we did for the first time agree to actually end it, It'd take more than an offer to cool it off to save things. She has been expressing a need to 'mainstream our lives' so if anything she's actually hoping to spend more time together/move in.


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Offlinebloodsheen
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Re: Am I making a mistake to let this one get away? [Re: lIXII] * 1
    #22034937 - 08/02/15 07:17 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Idk koraks, I think you are trying too hard to find a way to make this work. If this was 2 years into a relationship Id understand but sometimes one person is a round peg and the other is a square hole. It sounds like sex is the only good thing about this relationship


--------------------


A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,672
Re: Am I making a mistake to let this one get away? [Re: bloodsheen]
    #22036199 - 08/03/15 01:52 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Maybe I'm an optimist. At times. I admit to that. But some couples are just very dynamic. If they can deal with that and the underlying attraction and affection are sufficient  (and I 5hink it's not just sex if I read the op), then it could work. It would be a rollercoaster ride  for sure, but those can be fun. Perhaps op needs to do some soul searching to figure out the size and shape of the pegs and holes involved.


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