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Stranger Registered: 07/26/15 Posts: 3 Last seen: 6 years, 6 months |
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The thunderbolt of truth struck me square in the 3rd eye and turned it 90 degrees to the right. My forehead proceeded to swing open, exposing my think-loaf to the world around me. Another lightning bolt struck my big ol' brain right after the skull swung open and like a light I was out.
Swirling streams of multicolored self spewed around me, a cool calmness strode through me and kept the center stable as the sides swung haphazardly around in a state of shock. What was this? Why was this? How? WHO? WHUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.... Words became impossible to think. My mind was wiped clean and all there was in the sea of fractalline psychedelia which I had brought with me from baseline conscious state was my center of awareness and my breath. Each and every other aspect of my mortal consciousness was vaporized and floating around me in a cloud. Fear and shock struck harsh and hard against me, attempting to distract me from the work of visual art which was all I could sense for eons around. Just as quickly as they came up they went right out. I was in no state of mind for such stupidity. I had been here before, this space of self surrounding me. I'm not dying, my mortal mind was merely dissipating into thin air and was being a stuck up sourpuss about it. Through the mist seven wires, each one adorned with a color of the rainbow, began vibrating in unison before me in a manner similar to waves. They began as straight lines. Arising from within me the carrier wave, with its ever so constantly increasing pitch became the wave of interest for the rainbow lines to synchronize with. At first the oscillations could be kept track of with my gaze. As the pitch and rhythm began to rise and increase intensity so too did the oscillations of the lines. They kept getting faster and faster and faster still, becoming blurs of motion before me. Everything went still and died down and went black for all of three seconds. What the hell? Why did it just die down? Is that just it------OH MY SWEEDISH JESUS TACCOCOCOCOFOHFHODHOCH DOIUDGIUHJOIFGOF(P*(*GO(G The screen shattered and the foot of God kicked me into deep space. Stars sparkled around me as I drifted around hyperspace surrounded by checkered spiraling multicolored DNA strands. All of life, the universe and everything else orbited me. Galileo was dead wrong. I'm the real center of the universe My good humor was cut short by the appearance of three entities which assumed the form of what I could only remotely pseudo-accurately describe as the visages of frylock, meatwad and mastershake with a touch more Claymation. The voices were dead on with the characters of the show. TO say I was awe-struck would be an understatement; I shit myself with glee. I called out with my mind to the Aqua Teens before me. I asked them if they may be able to say hello. I greeted them with a sunny disposition and an open heart, ecstatic that I was meeting my childhood super heroes. They noticed me and turned around to face me. Their faces were NOTHING close to how I imagined them to be irl. Instead of seeing the friendly faces I had seen on the TV there was instead nothing. No eyes, mouth, or any other facial features were seen; only completely blank faces. I didn't know what to make of this occurrence? Could it really be that I had learned my morals and Freudian psychology from a LIE? I asked them what had happened to their faces. The following conversation went a little like this: Frylock: Well.... ummm... you see... we sorta lost our faces a while back. Me: well.... how exactly did you lose them? Frylock: I'd rather not say... Shake: SHUT UP, FRY HOLE. Since your ding-ass doesn't have the ballz to tell him i'll do the talking from here on out! Ya see, we were investigating a case of missing panties on a local college campus and we, and by we I mean myself, were getting close to pinning the culprit. These two dumbos over here were being a bunch of dead weight. Frylock:SHUT UP SHAKE. Shake: "Did I let you talk? HMMMMM? NO, I didn't so let me tell the good human what happened. So you see we were closing in on the creep's quarters, about to subdue this pervert and gain the respect and love of every sorority on campus, when SUDDENLY we were ambushed by a crack team of MUTANT FACE-EATING VAMIPRES. I fought most of them off with my super awesome shake powers but I could not keep them all at bay. They just kept on coming. Eventually Marcula appeared and told us that he would evict us if we kept hurting his children. With no other choice, we surrendered out faces to the vampire menace and scurried on to bust the panty raider, only to realize that, without eyes, we couldn't see him . I spewed shake juice all over the room to subdue him but it was too late; we had entered a broom closet by mistake and the janitor was PISSED at us. Me: Is that what really happened? Meatwad: No. Shake's just joshing ya. We ain't never worked on no mystery like that. Hell, we ain't never solved a mystery in the past 11 years. We lent our faces to the network so they could make the next season of our show and they said they would take us home afterward. I might have not have a brain but I don't think this is our home. It's really....dark here. We can't see nothin' and I miss my dolls. They ain't nowhere to be found. Me: That's sad. Do you guys know how to find your way home? How long have you been here for? Frylock: *sigh* we don't know how damn long we've been here. We can't see anything. How long have you been here for? Me: Just a few minutes. First I was in front of these vibrating strings, next thing I know everything sorta cracked open and I got spat out here and I ran into you guys. Shake: WAIT WAIT WAIT. Do you know where we are? Me: Ummmmmmm hyperspace? Meatwad: What's that Me: I have no friggin' clue. I think somewhere around my prefrontal cortex but I can't be too sure. I haven't explored this area of my brain too much. Meatwad: Can you get us out of here??? Me: I don't think so. I think you guys are just figments of my imagination or something like that. Meatwad: Soooooo your telling us you can't get us out of here? Me: yeaaaaaaaaaahhhhh... The aqua teens didn't like hearing that. Hyperspace went cold after I finished broadcasting that last thought-word. Everything stood still and the temperature plummeted to absolute zero. In clear defiance of the laws of physics I picked up a hammer, floated off to Alpha Centauri, and relieved myself in it. Hyperspace didn't like that. It doesn't like to be peed on so nonchalantly by the likes of the human race. Instantaneously everything warmed up again and Alpha Centauri expanded exponentially, enveloping me in a sea of white light before I could think oops I done did it again. Emerging from the void driving towards me in a red racecar bearing the insignia 2 Wycked wearing purple sweat pants and a sweat-stained wife beater was none other than his majesty Carl Brutananadilewski. He speed toward me at a solid 300 kilometers to the kilowatt hour and came to a complete stop in front of me instantly, kinematics be damned (hyperspace has no respect for the laws of physics). "Get in if you wanna live," barked Carl to me in his greasy New Jersey accent. Without a second consideration I drifted through the door and strapped myself in. "This is gonna be a bumpy ride, kid. I hope you got your diapy on cause we're going twelve times the speed of light." "Twelve times the speed of WHAT?!?!" No response came from Carl as he entered the coordinates for Melon Shakers into his Galactic Positioning System (GPS) and slammed his foot on the accelerator. Instantly pushed back into my seat by the force of blastoff space and time stood still. We were going so dang fast that nothing moved around us. I tried to speak but couldn't hear my own words. By the time they left my throat, the sound waves drifted far away behind us. Looking in the rear view mirror of 2Wycked my heart sunk. In hot pursuit of us was an African American police officer in the form of a piggy motioning for us to pull over (apparently the speed limit in hyperspace is eleven times the speed of light in order to not trip up some string theory mumbo jumbo). Carl saw him too and his face grew red. He opened his center console to reveal a cocktail consisting of san pedro tea, ayahuasca and Jack daniels (mostly Jack daniels-the others were added just for taste and sparkly colors) and motioned for me to chug it all down. Not wanting to upset my host and lifelong role model I chugged it down like it was no big deal. Unfortunately, it felt like a big deal and my stomach didn't like it. It came back up as quickly as I chugged it down. With every ounce of strength in myself I moved my head outside the window, mouth directly aimed at the officer in pursuit. With a heave and a ho I purged my guts out and hit the piggy right in the mouth. The force and shock and disgust of impact was too much for the pig; he lost control of his space mobile and spiraled out of control, vanishing in a twinkle of star dust never to be experienced again. After the piggy disappeared from sight something odd began to happen. Sparks of every single color of the Azerbaijani flag started to erupt around the surfaces of 2wycked. A flash of Azerbaijani flag colors swallowed us whole and next thing I knew we were parked across three handicapped parking spots in front of Melon Shakers. Carl attached an expired handicapped parking pass, told me to stay in the car to make sure no one didn't tow his car away, and shuffled into Melon Shakers, keys still in the ignition . All alone in 2Wycked I submitted to the gnawing curiosities building up within me and started to look around the ride. The car smelled of cheap beer and vomit. Inside his glove compartment was a brick of space-coke (I knew it was space coke because it was written on the brick). The brick was tie-dyed and was constantly changing colors. I took a bump of the space coke and in my lap materialized a golden cube. I put my thumb on the cube and, with a click and a clank it opened up. Sitting in the box were the faces of the Aqua Teens. Somehow, someway Carl had liberated the faces from the producers of ATHF and had hidden them in a parallel universe. The only way to bring it back into this universe was to snort space coke. I took another bump and moved over to the driver seat. I instructed the nav system to take me back to the Aqua Teens ASAP. "I'm sorry, but Aqua Teens cannot be found in this segment of the universe. Please use an actual location or I will have to send you back to your body," coldly spoke the nav system in the voice of GLaDOS. Saddened and shocked the realization overcame me that the Aqua Teens may have been but a figment of my imagination. Without a way to objectively affirm my subjective experience, I had no definitive way to tell if I had indeed interacted with them. All I had was the memory in my mind of meeting them, and a part of me at that present moment knew that the memory was real. So as long as my mind had come across them before, it could return there. I spied out of the corner of my eye an information transfer system. Hmmmmm.... perhaps the computer can't locate them because it is using Carl's memory banks to give it directions. I wonder if I could upload my own cognitive landscape into the nav system to guide it to my friends I jammed the extrasensory USB cognitive information transfer device from beneath the steering wheel into my prefrontal cortex. It was too much to handle. The world before me melted into a pixelated fractal field of Elysian ecstasy and, when the thought-merging was complete, I found myself back in a familiar parsec of hyperspace. Standing right outside my window were THE AQUA TEENS. Overcome with joy I took another bump of the space coke and gave them their faces. They flew out of the box and plopped themselves back onto their rightful masters (except master shake. His face left hyperspace, joined the Peace Corps and was never heard from again). Frylock and Meatwad were ecstatic and high fived me. I got out of the car and confided to them that I had had enough of an adventure for the time being and would like to go home. "We gotchu, brutha," Frylock assured me. "Join hands with us and let us partake of the space coke with you so that we may be able to open a wormhole and send you back home." I whipped out the space coke and we all snorted up enough to kill an elephant or five. Standing in a circle with Frylock and Meatwad (MasturShake had started cursing and being a sour puss on account of his face going AWOL and had no idea how interdimensional space travel worked) hands joined in unison we began chanting "I am Sofa King We Todd Ed" over and over again until, in a flash of brilliant rainbow light a worm hole appeared between us, sucking me into its dead center. Hyperspace was eclipsed by a sea of pure purpleness and yet again I was in the void. I awoke face down in a puddle of my own excrement somewhere in the middle of a mangrove hammock. My clothes stunk of all the excrement the journey had purged from my body. I realized that clothes are a menace to free thought. Clothing is a consciousness-cloaking device society uses to imprison us in a false delusion of modesty. Clothes censor our true selves and fill us with filth and decay and betray our true character. Screaming like the Hulk Almighty I liberated myself from these implements of self-destruction and experienced the sheer glory and euphoria accompanying a feeling of new found freedom. Never again would I submit to the curse of clothing myself where it is optional; it is only in public or wherever else one could risk getting charged as a sex criminal that one should wear clothing of any form. (I have since abandoned this idea of mine after I returned completely to baseline-I tend to think of nonsensical things when I tryp. Feeling like a champion I bellowed, at the top of my lungs "I AM SOFA KING WE TODD ED over and over and over again until I felt a jingle in the front of my brain. It was the Aqua Teens saying hello, thanking me for finding their faces. Satisfaction and happiness and DMT pulsed through my veins, filling me with golden glowing euphoria which welled up from within and encased me in a state of peace and freedom I had never known since I was a child. The world is a wonderful place to live in and I am proud to be privileged enough to call myself a part of it. Selah Edited by Shercat (07/29/15 11:41 PM)
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Bumble Wrangler Registered: 09/01/13 Posts: 1,348 Loc: Peppermint Mines Last seen: 6 hours, 11 seconds |
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Arise chicken, arise!
![]() Dope report, seems a little too elaborate to be real because of how articulate it is. -------------------- "I didn't know chicken's wore suspenders" - Towelie ![]() Edited by Yukon Cornelius (07/29/15 11:28 PM)
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Stranger Registered: 07/26/15 Posts: 3 Last seen: 6 years, 6 months |
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Yeeaaaaaaaaah. It began as a trip report but sorta turned into an Interstellar bout of Aqua Teen fan fiction. All in all I like what came out of it and plan to write a sequel some day or another.
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