I have some experience with mushrooms. First trip stellar, all others included massive stomach pains. I gave up on using mushrooms because of this.
I have some experience with acid. 5 or 6 times, One stellar trip, and one trip in particular I have always remembered as terrifying and horrific, with lasting psychological and spiritual negative results.
(All 20 years ago)
I have 15 years of heavy meditating and strong spiritual focus recently.
I gave up smoking weed, as it gets more potent, I find negativity and paranoia strike me very much. recently I went through a period of smoking, and facing the fear, until I got bored of it.
I do not handle psychedelics well. (obviously)
I had an interesting thought the other day, along the lines of "at death, the part that dies is actually me. the other stuff goes on." this is a reversal for me because I normally like to think I will continue on, and the other stuff will be what dies... I thought a bit, and described this idea to myself as death of the ego. so I go look that up, and guess who on the internet talks the most about this ego death subject? folks who trip a lot. That is how I ended up on this forum.
well after reading a bunch of posts, I gravitated towards posts about bad trips. It is my style after all.
then a post struck me like a slap to the face. "Sounds like you are trying to escape or avoid something, whether intentional or not."
Then my epic bad trip all came back to my memory: I absolutely attempted every possible way to avoid the experience on that trip. I even clearly remember going outside to calm down, while being babysat, and the feeling that something beyond horrific and powerful had my name on it, and was coming for me. Then I spotted it, gear shaped, and moving through the neighbors yard in the bushes, and I knew with my whole being, it was cruising out there, and it was coming, and it was HEAVY, and it was (insert hell, mental torture, insanity, whatever here). Lets just say, it came, and it was everything I feared, and then some. It lasted for eternity. there was no end. there was no escape. Now I see that I was trying to escape the destruction of my ego. because I am my ego. I identify with it very strongly. it is me, I am it. Late in that trip, I made a very big deal to all of my very close friends in our excellent very safe setting how awful everything was for me, show me a clock with a second hand so I know time is passing, this is mental torture, etc... Finally one friend said " just let it go man" They were all getting very tired of my endless obsession with my bad trip, they were having a good time, and frankly it had been 7 hours, and we all knew we were not peeking anymore, and it was getting close to over. with that statement I felt relief, and did let it go. yeah some more waves came, and it was hairy when they did, but she was right. get over it. That post on this forum was the missing piece of the puzzle for 20 years. I was running away and trying to escape it. Now I understand the common advice of relax, let it lead you and show you. do not fight it. (this advice applies to life...and death, not just tripping) I tried very hard to make that trip all about my ego, and protecting it in any possible way, because my ego is me. It was simple self defense. Now I look at that trip as truly beautiful. in my minds eye I see all of the interconnected visuals, and the anticipation and anxiety of it coming for me, and the endless loop, and the dark theme with heavy greens, and blacks, not as bad, but as BADASS. It was my story, it was about me, it humbled me, It owned me, and it was way beyond my control.
I would never wish that trip away again. I would however like to stop trying to escape it, and to turn around and say to it: "Take me where you want, and show me what I need to see." and "Thank you."
I guess I better start now.
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Your post really helped me too. I like how you said "Look at that trip as beautiful"....I had a trip where I had planned for a month when I was 19, my parents were on vacation that week and I took 4 tabs of some good 'cid. Then all of a sudden my trip sitter decides to throw a party at my house. All these people arrive and mess with my mind the entire time (or at least I thought they were). But the things that I thought they were messing with me about were my "issues". My issues and concerns confronted me through these what once thought of as separate entities (people), but now I'm slowly starting to think we're all the same entity. The trees are our lungs, the ocean is our fluids in our body. We were all created infinite years ago. And we will all last forever. People are one with nature just as people are one with people and nature is one with people. But that's all besides the point, the point is, that trip was beautiful. I remember purple waves coming over me. My come-up only lasted 3 hours because I feel God had a purpose for me, and maybe one more hour of that shit and I would've lost it. I don't think those kids liked me but that's besides the point too. That trip taught me a lot. I've had psychological issues too but I'm better for it. I wrote a whole damn book/story based upon my struggles with mental illness and drugs and all I've learned. I'm happier than I've ever been. Took me 5 1/2 years too, but thanks to your post I now think that trip was beautiful. You saved me too. Although I've improved a lot in terms of bitterness and spitefulness, it still lingers within me. But no more, thanks to you. Peace Good vibes everywhere.
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