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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 45,414
Loc: Under the C
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Relationship advice from the ladies
#21986236 - 07/23/15 05:13 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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I just blew the possible relationship of a lifetime by simultaneously dumping my past hurts and my romantic fantasies on her. And she really liked me. Now I have killed it. Dunno why I did it, but am trying to understand and forgive myself.
Seems this form of self sabotage is not unusual, but is not excusable.
Damn, I hurt! I would rather put my hand in a hornet's nest than experience what I am feeling.
My 'plan' is to wait a month and gently try to open the door again with a simple e-mail. I have already apologized.
All of my male friends say to go find someone else, but I have never been struck like this - ever, and have no desire to go date another.
Do I have a snowball's chance in hell?
I may post my reopening note here for critique so that I do not make any obvious mistakes. Four decades of dating/relationships and I am still a raw beginner.
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Acidic_Sloth
Acidic poly-Sided Di-slothamide


Registered: 05/29/02
Posts: 43,732
Loc: ainrofilac
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it really depends on the girl and the seriousness of what you dumped on her. if she really did like you, then i'd say you may have a chance once things settle down. without knowing more, i can't comment further.
whatever you do, don't beat yourself up.
-------------------- -- Accept my heart warming gift of TREE SCRATCHIES!!! I absolve thee!! --
JaP: 30,000 lines of gay, cock, and fag can't be wrong Ped: only in #shroomery is "smuggle opium in her ass" followed by "i don't want shitty opium" which is followed by " *** Joins: PENISSQUAD" -- JaP: What would this place be without random sluts? JaP: Nothing, I tell you.
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 45,414
Loc: Under the C
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Re: Relationship advice from the ladies [Re: Acidic_Sloth]
#21987239 - 07/23/15 08:48 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Thanks for responding, AS. 
I told her that I hadn't dated in 10 years because my exgf's daughter died and we/I could not handle the fallout and I shut down completely. Many parents who lost children get divorced and suicide is not uncommon. I hadn't even touched a woman in a decade such was my fear of loss. I also lost my only fiancé to death - so there is a history there.
Meeting this women cracked me open and I dumped all my pain in her lap. I could not help it, it just came out subconsciously like a damn that broke. It was seemingly out of my control. And then I went the other extreme - wanting to love and cherish and talking long-term to someone I just met.
All of this was out of character. I did not realize how stopped up I was.
In short, I made every single mistake possible in a fledgling romance. Who would want a dose of that shit? No one.
I would like to understand how to get by this personally first as I am banging my head against the wall and finding it hard to forgive myself. If I can gain some clarity, then I would like to approach her again and just ask if we can dialog a bit (about ordinary things) via e-mail (she lives 300 miles away - another hurdle, but not as big as my idiocy) - and not ask for anything more. I need to crack the door open in the most non-threatening way.
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Acidic_Sloth
Acidic poly-Sided Di-slothamide


Registered: 05/29/02
Posts: 43,732
Loc: ainrofilac
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it sounds like what you really needed was someone understanding with whom you could speak to about all these things for quite some time. you felt comfortable with this woman and it all just came tumbling out. it's unfortunate but at the same time do you feel a little better for having at least given word to all these feelings you've been suppressing for years? even if things don't end up how you envisioned them with this woman, at least you've opened yourself up enough to be able to perhaps talk to a friend about how you feel. i can't imagine losing a fiancé or spouse to death, that has to be extremely painful and to keep that pain pent up is never good.
i really can't stress enough that you should not be beating yourself up over this at all. was it stupid, probably, but you're human. perhaps in time you will be able to open a dialog with her and explain to her how you were feeling at the time of the event. but the last thing you should be doing right now is feeling like you need to forgive yourself for giving voice to your feelings--never do that, it leads nowhere good.
i would suggest, during this time, that you find someone you can speak with about all of this stuff--the loss of loved ones, your reticence for relationships because of it, etc--and try and work through these things rather than suppress them; get your head on straight, y'know, figure out your next move. most of all, give yourself, and her, some time.
i know how difficult long distance relationships can be and i know what it's like to be reticent to get close to someone and then when you finally do, BAM!, you fuck something up. do not blame yourself for this though. even if things don't end up working out in the end. you gotta get yourself right first before you can have a strong relationship anyway and while sometimes having a significant other to help you through that is beneficial, in my short time on this planet i've found that figuring it out on your own is ultimately more rewarding and you're better off for it in the long run. hell, if life and love were easy they wouldn't be worth bothering with.
basically, you have nothing to forgive yourself for so let us get past that, yeah? things will work themselves out even if it isn't how you envisioned they would.
if you need to talk, feel free to shoot me a PM. i may be relatively young but i've experienced my fair share of hell.
-------------------- -- Accept my heart warming gift of TREE SCRATCHIES!!! I absolve thee!! --
JaP: 30,000 lines of gay, cock, and fag can't be wrong Ped: only in #shroomery is "smuggle opium in her ass" followed by "i don't want shitty opium" which is followed by " *** Joins: PENISSQUAD" -- JaP: What would this place be without random sluts? JaP: Nothing, I tell you.
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 45,414
Loc: Under the C
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Re: Relationship advice from the ladies [Re: Acidic_Sloth]
#21987407 - 07/23/15 09:29 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
it's unfortunate but at the same time do you feel a little better for having at least given word to all these feelings you've been suppressing for years?
No.
I guess I keep beating myself up because I wasn't even looking for love. I am a hermit and meet virtually no one. This happened while visiting my friend in California. The woman approached me and it was instantaneous fireworks, and although she has a smoking body, it was not sexual per se. For a short, balding guy of 60 to be approached by a 38 year old and have her be smitten as well just ain't gonna come again.
To me it's as if I won the lottery for a million dollars and then lost the ticket - or more accurately, burned the ticket up.
All I had to do was keep my mouth shut. Granted, it might not have flown anyways, but now I will never know, and I am beyond sick. There is no relief not even in sleep. I am staying away from all drugs & alcohol at this point so as not to exacerbate my feelings.
Aw, fuck!
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Acidic_Sloth
Acidic poly-Sided Di-slothamide


Registered: 05/29/02
Posts: 43,732
Loc: ainrofilac
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i'm so sorry, OC. that is really unfortunate. i wish there was something i could do or say to make you feel better but i know that there most likely is not. i think it is a good idea that you abstain from drugs and alcohol for a while, we can agree on that. still, you shouldn't beat yourself up about this.
-------------------- -- Accept my heart warming gift of TREE SCRATCHIES!!! I absolve thee!! --
JaP: 30,000 lines of gay, cock, and fag can't be wrong Ped: only in #shroomery is "smuggle opium in her ass" followed by "i don't want shitty opium" which is followed by " *** Joins: PENISSQUAD" -- JaP: What would this place be without random sluts? JaP: Nothing, I tell you.
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abductee
Time



Registered: 05/07/15
Posts: 2,224
Loc: Canada
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Re: Relationship advice from the ladies [Re: Acidic_Sloth]
#22006306 - 07/27/15 06:56 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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There's this girl who's been a close friend for years, she says she loves me as a friend but she's always trying to make me jealous or tease me with slightly prevocative pics. She made it clear she just wants to be friends.. but continues to tease and I think may get jealous sometimes of girls im with... I dont know.. I sometimes feel like she's the woman I love and would devote myself too, but it sucks cause were just friends. It would kinda be scary going past that, but she's someone I could see being more with.. but again it scares me because she's been here for me and is just amazing id hate to loose her.. Grrr.. I'm thinking just wait and see what happens and just enjoy our friendship as it is.. but then Im confused because Ive never had a girl who was a best friend, and I usually just have girls as fuck friends or girl friends. Does her teasing and trying to make me jealous mean anything more than she's just being a little bitch?lol in a loving way.
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ShiVersblood
VAmPiRES HELLA ❤



Registered: 08/18/07
Posts: 115,620
Loc: United States of America
Last seen: 12 hours, 10 minutes
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You would probably be better off meeting a new girl who is already ground level, than trying and trying to dig yourself out of this hole with the old girl.
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empty space
the void


Registered: 12/19/12
Posts: 1,120
Last seen: 6 years, 10 months
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Re: Relationship advice from the ladies [Re: abductee]
#22007269 - 07/27/15 10:37 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
abductee said: There's this girl who's been a close friend for years, she says she loves me as a friend but she's always trying to make me jealous or tease me with slightly prevocative pics. She made it clear she just wants to be friends.. but continues to tease and I think may get jealous sometimes of girls im with... I dont know.. I sometimes feel like she's the woman I love and would devote myself too, but it sucks cause were just friends. It would kinda be scary going past that, but she's someone I could see being more with.. but again it scares me because she's been here for me and is just amazing id hate to loose her.. Grrr.. I'm thinking just wait and see what happens and just enjoy our friendship as it is.. but then Im confused because Ive never had a girl who was a best friend, and I usually just have girls as fuck friends or girl friends. Does her teasing and trying to make me jealous mean anything more than she's just being a little bitch?lol in a loving way.
If I were you, I would let her go as a reasonable partner in your head and try to find another partner. I had this with a girl who was my best friend and she seriously fucked with my head, would turn me down when I told her I loved her, and then when Id have a partner would come to me and tell me she loved me. I had to let my interest in her pass. Ultimately she started dating one of my good friends and now they are holed up in her house doing ketamine all day. I didnt see or talk to her in a few months when I ran into the two of them at the super market. She was obviously bored with him and she was all over my clothes telling me how good I looked.. her boyfriend was definitely uncomfortable. Made me laugh quite a bit. I wouldnt waste your time with these kinds of girls who are not even sure of what they themselves want.
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abductee
Time



Registered: 05/07/15
Posts: 2,224
Loc: Canada
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Re: Relationship advice from the ladies [Re: empty space]
#22008025 - 07/28/15 04:52 AM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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That's some good advice, ill just appreciate the friendship we do have anf not read into the little flirting or teasing.
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