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Anonymous #1
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Help with a "Rebound" Relationship
#21968809 - 07/20/15 01:32 AM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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I met a really cool guy at a show, and we immediately hit it off with a great conversation. He contacted me the next day so that we could meet up. I agreed: we met at a cafe, went back to his place and spent hours together listening to music, smoking, etc. In short, we had a great time. He asked me if I wanted a relationship, and I was honest and said that I had never been in one before and that I was afraid of commitment and jealousy and all of the more negative aspects that one hears about. In short, it was kind of implied that we were to be “just friends”.
This changed; soon enough, we were exchanging e-mails and texts regularly and we ended up seeing each other very often and always for at least 10+ hours at a time. We kissed and had sexual relations each time we saw each other; in fact, he deflowered me (!). He told me, however, that his ex-girlfriend of many years had broken up with him several months ago and that he was still in love with her and trying to get her back. This was made very clear, and he told me about this very early on, that is, during our second meeting together at his place. He was also very clearly depressed by the situation with his ex-girlfriend; we spent some nights getting drunk together as he spilled his life story to me. He was, however, always great company regardless of his personal woes, and we always ended up having very interesting conversations and having a generally great time. We did also go out together which always guaranteed a fun time. During this time, he made occasional comments about how we should be in a relationship together, but I (rightfully) never made much of this and took it as a “symptom,” so to speak, of his difficult situation regarding his ex-girl. The problem, however, was that I started becoming quite fond of him, more than I wanted to, and I was in fact desperately dreaming, despite all, that we would end up together somehow. I was well-aware that this was foolish but I liked him so very much (and still do). What’s to be done?
Over time, he would contact me less and less until it had been a few weeks since we last saw each other. He just told me that he was “very busy” but I knew that something was awry. I used all my strength to resist initiating contact; I wanted him to contact me first. It was very excruciating for me, more than I would have ever thought (I never wanted it to turn out like that, but it did). I started to have all sorts of terrible self-doubts and wondered if I had somehow repulsed him by appearing a little too devoted. I was genuinely more than thrilled to do things for him and I don’t regret it...except that it may have made me look desperate or “too nice” in a bad way. (I have been told that I was “too nice” before, and I am aware that this may make me vulnerable and seem like I am a “try hard” or a sycophant, but I am the type of person who would give the shirt of her back to anyone in need with no second-thought and with genuine intention, and I don’t regret helping others because I like sharing my good fortune with the people around me). Anyways, I was crushed with doubts despite knowing deep down the real reason for this silence...
Eventually, he did contact me and asked to see me, but left me waiting and finally bailed out at the last minute. This was a terrible period; I tried to resume my regular activities but to no avail. I went to bars and nightclubs alone (pathetic, I know, but I don’t really have any real friends to go out with). I found no joy in drinking and dancing stupidly alone in my corner. I met no one of interest.
Finally, he contacted me again and revealed that he had been seeing his ex-girl and that they were working things out. He seemed so elated. This was exactly as I thought. He said that he still wanted to be friends and he apologised for having been distant over the past weeks. I replied that I also wanted to remain friends but wanted to discuss the situation. We are supposed to meet, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if we can be “just friends” after having had sexual relations. I don’t know if I’m being transformed into the “option 2” girl left on the back burner in case things don’t work out. I just don’t know. Admittedly, relationships of any kind are not my strength. I really just want to discuss things openly and in good faith, but I don’t know if he will be completely honest with me or if he even knows himself what would be best. I appreciate that he was honest with me right from the start about his ex, and in a way I feel like the guilty one for having fallen for him despite knowing about his situation. I really do like him a lot, and I would love to continue being friends, but I don’t want drama with him or his girl. I also suspect that it may be more painful than I could have ever expected for me to go from an intimate relation to a platonic one with this man. I don’t want to lose him as a friend, but he may be simply telling me that he wants to stay friends out of pity or duty towards me which I wouldn’t want either. What should I do?
I am quite at a loss. This is the first time I've ever had a close friendship/relationship. Anything helps; thanks!
Edited by Anonymous (07/20/15 02:05 AM)
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nooneman


Registered: 04/24/09
Posts: 14,561
Loc: Utah
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Re: Help with a "Rebound" Relationship [Re: Anonymous #1]
#21968957 - 07/20/15 02:31 AM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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The right thing for you to do is to move on. If you stay with him even as friends, it's going to keep hurting you. If you move on, it's going to hurt for a while but eventually get a lot better. Plus, if you move on you can find someone else. The friends thing isn't going to work out, it's just going to hurt and prolong everything for no reason.
There are tons of guys out there. Use a dating site if you really want to find someone. Find the right kind of dating site for you. If you don't get messages from guys you're interesting in, try messaging guys you're interested in.
In a year you'll look back at this and laugh about it with your new boyfriend.
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empty space
the void


Registered: 12/19/12
Posts: 1,120
Last seen: 6 years, 10 months
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Re: Help with a "Rebound" Relationship [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#21968959 - 07/20/15 02:35 AM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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One of the best ways to get over someone is to get under someone!!
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Help with a "Rebound" Relationship [Re: empty space]
#21974097 - 07/21/15 03:08 AM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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It now seems clear that this is sadly just another case of me being the throw-away friend. He needed someone, anyone, to comfort him while he was down, and it happened to be me. Now that he started to patch things up with his ex-girl, I doubt I'll ever hear from him again.
When I see him, probably for the last time, I wonder if I should actually ask him directly if he even really intended to remain friends with me or if he was just trying to make a smooth exit. To be honest, I do think I'd actually be okay to be just a buddy to knock back a few pints with, but I guess he already has all of his old pals for that- in other words, I'd no longer be of any use. Does he want me to disappear now? I just don't know because despite all, we did get on extremely well. I know people advise to let this one go, but I can't help but cling to the idea that he could end up being a friend worth keeping. But then again, was I just a band-aid? Now that the wound has seemingly healed, I must be disposed of? I don't know if I should confront him directly (yet tactfully, of course) with this.
Edited by Anonymous (07/21/15 03:11 AM)
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Aldous
enthusiast



Registered: 10/19/99
Posts: 977
Loc: inside my skull
Last seen: 2 months, 2 days
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Re: Help with a "Rebound" Relationship [Re: Anonymous #1]
#21974533 - 07/21/15 07:14 AM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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I'd say yes, confront him about it, be as honest to your feelings as you can, without getting agressive and without playing victim or seeming needy. I guess that's the best way to go. From the way you describe this friendship, some kind of follow-up seems possible. I hope for the best.
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automan
blasted chipmunk


Registered: 09/18/03
Posts: 8,272
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Re: Help with a "Rebound" Relationship [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#21974550 - 07/21/15 07:21 AM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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1: you told him from the beginning that you didn't want to be in a relationship 2: he told you from the beginning that he was trying to get back together with his ex-gf
Congrats! You were both adults, honest, and up front with each other. You both got to hang out with cool people for a while and you both were sexually satisfied. Now you are acting a little jealous and getting yourself angry at a situation that you both agreed to in the very beginning.
When you meet up, what would you confront him with... both of you doing exactly what was set up at the very beginning? Just wish him the best, be done with it, and next time you meet a guy you like don't tell him that you don't want a relationship.
As a guy, if I were hanging out with a girl, we started hooking up, and she said that she doesn't really want a relationship... I would think, "Cool, this is a friends with benefits relationship." And as such, I would have a great time with her, but I would never stop looking for a real girlfriend. When I did find a real girlfriend, if my FWB confronted me about it, all that would go through my head would be, "Whew! I dodged a bullet by not getting into a real relationship with this crazy bitch."
Be cool. Move on.
-------------------- No, no, you're not thinking, you're just being logical. ~ Niels Bohr
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Mr.GuessWork
Stranger

Registered: 03/30/13
Posts: 4,563
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Re: Help with a "Rebound" Relationship [Re: automan]
#21974746 - 07/21/15 08:47 AM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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I'd pretty much agree with what everybody else said except for empty space. You should be prepared for it to end, but there's no harm in leaving friendship on the table as long as you're both sincere about it. Tell him how you feel (that's what friends are for) and let him know that you still like hanging out with him and that you don't want to mess up his love life if he's doing what he wants to do. He may not want to or be able to continue your friendship for his own reasons. Don't take that personally and quit trying to come up with all these crazy explanations for why things are happening. That stuff makes bitches crazy, and it really has nothing to do with what happened. It's okay not to fully understand his motivations. Just stay cool and sane, and roll with the punches and see what happens. If you're fair and reasonable with him, then he'll probably be fair and reasonable with you, unless he's a jerk, in which case it'll be easy to move on.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Help with a "Rebound" Relationship [Re: Mr.GuessWork]
#21977094 - 07/21/15 07:24 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Thanks for the advice; I agree with what you are all saying, and just to clarify, I know that I've been kind of venting off and indulging in self-pity and appearing needlessly resentful (I guess that's just what anonymous Internet forums are for sometimes). I recognise that I'm driving myself crazy with something that was clear-cut from the start; I never meant to fall for this guy, but it just happened, and I didn't know I'd be so upset about it. Honestly, I am not in the slightest bit needy and I'm always very self-contained, so there is no chance of me ever antagonising him or being aggressive towards him, much the contrary. As I say, he's been really honest with me and I would never accuse him of anything because he hasn't done anything wrong at all. I definitely don't want to fuck up his relationship with his girl either. I would just like to know if he is really planning on remaining friends or if he says so because he doesn't want me to feel bad. I will definitely play it cool of course, as I always have. I know this is a case of "move on"...easier said than done, but at least I keep it all to myself.
When I see him, I think I'll just ask him in person a) if he truly wants to remain friends and b) if this would cause any sort of strain on his relationship. I'll leave it up to him and let him know that it's perfectly okay for him to end things here and that I entirely understand.
Edited by Anonymous (07/21/15 07:30 PM)
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