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The Mrs Registered: 07/15/15 Posts: 14 Loc: H-Town, TX, USA |
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Or so I thought I was doing everything right. I have lately found myself questioning all kinds of things and pretty much everything. I have zero issues with saying that due to being done wrong in the past: I do have trust issues mostly cause I give every relationship I've ever been in one thousand percent by doing what I can to make my partner not only feel wanted but needed as well on the daily base. Yet, I am aware that there comes a point that enough is enough.
Background on me: My name is Crystal (28, widow since 2009), I am new here on these forums, and I seriously dont like speaking on my life, its problems/issues cause I begin to not only question how I have failed at life but also what in the heck could be wrong with me. I searched the threads to find a "issue" close to mine and came up with nothing. So here I am looking for some type of insight from another or to possibly read some words of wisdom if anyone has gone through this and was able to figure it out for themselves also to talk about it considering I havent anyone else to talk to about it. My mom wants nothing to do with the "issue" and has no wise words of wisdom considering it isnt the best "situation." Besides her to talk to Ive got my guy whos my sunshine and has yet found a way to cause me nothing but pain. I will call him "Jae." Relationship background with Jae: October 2013: Ive had an issue with drugs since I was a kid. Its been tough but considering if it was easy: it wouldnt be life and wouldnt have overcome/accomplished anything. I had been clean for 7 years (cause of probation&intense drug treatment, boo!) when I decided that I was ready to "go live life" again. Some way, somehow it happened to be the same place Jae was in his life. Due to my husbands passing that I thought I would never get over I surely didnt want a relationship and neither did Jae. We were both clear on the issue of not looking for a relationship but we enjoyed one anothers company so we hung out... a lot, every day till end of Feb 2014 I was nice enough to let him spend the night and share my bed. We had a hook-up a time or two before but was just that: a hook-up. We had both ending up having feelings emerge for one another and I knew I truly cared for him considering I always end up getting hurt in relationships I was willing to let him stay and not leave. He did just that. Little did I know he was doing so much more also. Considering how I felt strongly for this man and I wanted to see him happy and to have a good life I did everything in my power to do just that. I did things that others would think were so amazing that a guy wouldnt even have to think twice about cheating. Which Jae had no issues doing. Heres how: Jae has no phone, computer, car or a job. Please dont judge. Only reason I have a phone, computers and a car is the blessing of my mom whom Jae and I happen to live in her house. So we lived here day in and day out of course some days getting high and some days not. We were always by one anothers side till Aug of 2014 when I had to do 30 days in jail. Jae still stayed in my bed at my moms house without me cause I asked her to let him having full access of my car. Little did I even think he would disrespect me so badly as to sneak another girl in and take over my bed with her filth. I had a feeling when I got out Sept 2014 cause he started accusing me of cheating on him when I was in jail. Seriously? I aint got time to cheat when I serve him on the daily. I'm talking he doesnt have to do shyt but move up from playing "Everquest" so I can vaccume the food crumbs from under his feet to the daily blowjobs that he actually gets tired of getting. Till November of 2014 I delt with him accusing me of cheating so I put keyloggers on my computers and got to the bottom of why he he was accusing me. He was. ... and it was CL hookups with trannys. I found out that he likes to CD and suck dick himself. Grasping all this he still slept here in the bed and I stayed by his side. Then the seizures came. Honesty I didnt think anything else could go wrong. NOPE!!! He was admitted to the hospital.... he was in the final stages of syphilis; stage five neuro-syph. I stayed in the hospital every day, afternoon and night by his side. For him to only get on my phone when I was sleeping and talk to his CL "daddies" about how hes got to wait till he gets out to meet up with them. Seriously? He has it made.... in his words: "glorified free loader" is his status but how can he say he loves me and cares for me and yet find it so easily to run my face into the dirt? Despite my mom not liking the "situation" him and I have and the slogan hes got of "fake it till we make it" she gave him the best Christmas hes ever had in his words Dec 2014 and I've continued to try to do anything and everything in my power to have him even take a second look and me... at us and realize what hes got. Jan of 2015 he finally went out and got a job. YAY! Given that I will be the transportation for him I do everything from wake him up sweetly with breakfast, sex, herbal, whatever and always have food ready when he was off. Only for probation to violate his two years probation Feb 2015 and order him to do a jail-rehab program and extend till 2016. Well heres Crystal, his little do-it-all bitch, waiting patiently since Feb 22nd for him to get out. I havent cheated not once and I couldnt see myself doing such. Since hes been in this jail-rehab program hes discovered he truly does want to be with me and realizes just how good of a gal I truely was and still am. I havent missed one visitation, I send three letters a week (one being all sexual) and I spray them down with perfume so he has something other than sweaty man ass to smell. He decides he wants to start on a clean slate so to say. Today/yesterday (Saturday-July) I got a 14 page letter of confessions. Confessions, that I knew of already due to keylogger, of him telling me all the "wonderful" times he had no issues cheating on me. From the time of me being in jail Aug-Sept 2014 he tells me that he also married a friend to "help her out." Note: this the same chick he snuck into my bed AND he asked me past March if I would marry him and I said yes do to I guess my stupidity and truly loving him and caring for him. I want to stay by his side so badly but I dont know how happy he would be considering: (a) his trust is shot with me and hes gotta lotta twat kissing to do and I cant ever say if I will trust one hundred soon, (b) and from the emails not only on three different servers as well as FB (which he talks so bad about me on to his friends) hes got a serious issue of being at war with who he really is. I've told him over and over that I will always be here on his side and back him up no matter what yet if he truly wants to cross-dress and be with guys I need to know. He states that its behind him though. I find it questionable and I have sadly spoken with his mom and shined light on this due to the main reason he doesnt publicly is due to society and the double standards of homosexual men. Mostly I' have a couple majority questions. Cheating: as Im sure its not easy to get over but does it honestly become manageable? Also, is it possible for a girl to draw these kinds of guys? I only ask this (and JAE knew ahead of time and I BEGGED him to be honest) cause the guy I was with before him "EK" did the SAME THING! EK stayed with me (yep, at my moms house) for two years getting on cell phone plan and all only to leave me for a tranny. JAE said its cause I am so understanding and not closed minded on the issue but I mean seriously? Also the last one cause I know there are some guys on this site: I've told him many times to stop playing me like a nintendo system ... this being said: whats the likelihood that he is just telling me stuff I want to hear just to get out and still do wrong but have a "free ride?" I am attaching a photo of me today (with my shroom shirt) to see if its really me that is a "magnet" per-say for Trannys/CD's. Ive noticed the guys here are honest and I need insight how what it truly looks like as well as if it was them. I've seriously only got JAE as my friend, enemy, and lover. I have no friends and I know this is bad (even cause JAE and I went to same Jr High & High School together) I havent ever once hung with his friends since him and I been an item end of 2013. Sorry so long and honesty please. I really needed to clear my mind as well as try to become "grounded" with all of this from a guys point of view. Apologies for photos the confession letter had me upset so I'm putting one in from Friday.
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Registered: 06/02/03 Posts: 26,672 |
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Ok, your story is so over the top that I seriously consider it's bogus, but even if it is, you put a lot of effort into crafting it, so kudos to that. But having made that disclaimer, let's assume that all of it is in fact true and this is the position you're in - for which I'm deeply sorry and I understand you must feel enormously conflicted. I cannot imagine your feelings at this point and I'm not sure if I can offer any useful advice, but I'll give it a try nonetheless. Take it for what it's worth and if there's anything in there you can benefit from, please accept it, and discard the rest.
Quote: In this situation, and in general actually, I doubt it. Especially if it's a recurring thing and isn't accompanied with serious bonding between the two of you. I understand that he's conflicted about his own sexuality and trying to find a way to make it work, but I think you should expect (demand) of him that he opens up about it to you, giving you the opportunity to work out some arrangement that (sort of) works for the both of you. I think cheating is never easy and even polyamority and/or open relationships tend not to work for the majority of people, but they NEVER work if it consists of one person just doing as he damn well pleases with total disregard for his (primary) partner. If you feel betrayed, you're damn right to feel this way and you're also damn right that he should feel very very sorry for it. No excuses there. Quote: It's possible for anyone to encounter people like this in their lives and it's not something in you that specifically attracts them. Don't put the blame or responsibility with yourself; you didn't make him the way he is, nor did you choose to be with him for the behaviors that currently bug you. The only role that you have in this is that you haven't already kicked his ass out for consistently betraying you, allowing him to continue his behavior while remaining safe and comfortable in a relationship with you. I understand that you're afraid to loose him, as you obviously like (or perhaps even love) him a lot, but be aware of the fact that 99.9% of the people would have kicked out a partner who pulls this crap on them a long time ago. Personally, I think you should make it clear to him that you'll do the same if he doesn't start taking some responsibility towards you, and don't be afraid to actually kick him out if he continues down this path. In the end, you'd be better off without him and trust me that there are many many men out there who will treat you a lot better than this. Quote: I wouldn't say 'understanding', but susprisingly forgiving and I think you have all the right to be less forgiving towards his antics. Quote: The chances are 99.9%. I'm not sure if you'll be able to get him to open up completely, but he sure as hell will keep playing you as long as you keep being so forgiving. There's a huge difference between being open minded and tolerating behaviors that betray your trust in the worst imaginable way, including posing a risk to your actual health and safety. There's a chance that he'll change his ways, but quite frankly, I doubt if you'll live to see the day that he cleans up his act. If you love him, you could try to steer your relationship with him towards a more trust-based situation. This will involve giving him the opportunity to explore his sexuality and gender identity, but there's no valid reason for him to be able to do so behind your back and by betraying you time and again. You're worth more than that. Quote: You look fine and there's nothing about you that is a particular CD/TV magnet. Get that idea out of your head. You just ran into the wrong guy (the wrong thing about him is not the CD aspect, but the fact that he consistently takes you for a ride) and apparently managed to do so twice. It's not you, it's him. Your only role, as I pointed out above, is the fact that you're surprisingly forgiving while you have no reason at all to be that way. Frankly, I think the main thing you need to work on is your sense of self worth. You have all the right to be treated a great deal better than this and whatever may be 'wrong' with you, it doesn't mean you have to put up with some asshole who destroys you one cell at a time by leeching on you and doing god knows what behind your back. He's not the only guy out there who is able to love you and who you are worthy of and vice versa; in fact, you're in a position to demand of him that he change his ways in a very fundamental way if he wants to keep receiving your dedication and love. I would seriously consider the possibility that he's not capable of doing so and if that's the case, I would recommend to not hesitate for a minute and cut him loose. Don't look back, don't allow him to get close anymore for the next few years (who knows what the distant future may bring, but don't tempt yourself) and move on. Build confidence, realize that you're worthy of so much more than you're getting from this pathetic character (for that is what he is; he sounds like a total bum and overall worthless person) and you're guaranteed to find more happiness than you'll ever get with him. I respect your patience and dedication, but please realize that you can do better and that it's within your power to get much more out of life than this. I hope you'll see better days. Don't hesitate to post here again if you want an outside view on your situation. PS: you're gorgeous. Based on looks alone, you could get about 750 men right here on the Shroomery who would treat you better than you're currently being treated. Don't take this the wrong way; I'm perfectly happy with my girlfriend, but just so you know that there's nothing wrong with you. PPS: please seek medical attention for your likely syphilis infection and get some treatment. Edited by koraks (07/19/15 03:53 AM)
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The Farfarer. Registered: 09/27/12 Posts: 2,572 Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada Last seen: 1 month, 1 day |
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I'll show your picture to one of my trans play partners and see what he says for you.
-------------------- Live Mythically
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The Mrs Registered: 07/15/15 Posts: 14 Loc: H-Town, TX, USA |
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Yeah. Thanks for thinking my story is bogus and I made all this up or something. I'll just stick to my blog and having noone to talk to or get an opinion from (http://lifeofamadkreetel.blogsp
Self-worth? Yeah thats a negative beyond. I am well aware I havent accomplished anything in my life and I am a major POS. I hear it daily from my mother. Wait- I graduated highschool .... barely. Stayed high daily and went to an alternative school. Yet that was over ten years ago. Yet still ... I do nothing mostly cause yes that is how I feel. Helping JAE with his "problems and issues" I felt as if gave me meaning for him to only be walking all over me. I wont ever feel as if I have a place in life and I have searched all over and from state to state always ending up back in hell. (my mothers house). I have searched for years.****update**** Happiest moment of my life was when I was married and sadly my stars didnt agree with me and that got torn away from me only after five weeks and one day which I posted wrong link its here about my husband. ****update****(Http://www.shroom But, everything happens for a reason, correct? I'd like to think so to have some sort of explaination. I'm well aware my life is fuqked up beyond. To say that I had made all this up when I've been going nuts in my own head about it for the longest is far from the truth. I could only dream that this was made up but I live in reality. Oh and by the way: I did get my spinal tap of the fluid at the ID (infectious disease) doctor and I am alright. Once syphilis has gone to a certain stage and becomes neuro-syph the odd of it being "given" to another are slim chance to none. The doctor said that he had syph for 10-15 years which floored me. But I stood by by his side the entire thirty days in the hospital... the last 10 of his being on penecillin drip into a pic line every four hours around the clock. I had to get tested for myself as I have an auto-immune problem (lupus) that put the danger of me being able to contract it higher. I thank you though. For not only reading also for taking the time to put your "two-cents" in. ***update*** Also koraks I will reply a bit more in a couple hours. I was in a rush this morning due to being up stressing it into this morning then having church and group. Was most definitely not the best response. Edited by setzer (07/20/15 01:08 AM)
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The Mrs Registered: 07/15/15 Posts: 14 Loc: H-Town, TX, USA |
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Thanks. That outlook would be well appreciated. Thank you for your time.
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Stranger Registered: 01/27/03 Posts: 5,212 |
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Do you ever think that you are trying too hard?
Granted, relationships do have their struggles but I think your bending over backwards for this guy. Wish I would have ended some of my relationship years before they crumbled. easier said than done
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The Mrs Registered: 07/15/15 Posts: 14 Loc: H-Town, TX, USA |
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Honestly I havent thought of that. I just know that I do what I know and what I can. 100% all or or nothing is what I believe it should always be. Thanks for shining that light. Gotta visit Saturday and of course loads to talk about. He also spared me on some things saying he would rather tell me in person. No matter what hes got my support by his side or not. Truly just want him happy.
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Stranger Registered: 01/27/03 Posts: 5,212 |
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Sounds like you really love the guy.
I constantly try to help every situation even when I really need to sit back and let someone else do the work. One of my worst flaws. Because you never really know if someone loves you unless they show it.
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the void Registered: 12/19/12 Posts: 1,120 Last seen: 6 years, 10 months |
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I was in a slightly similar situation. My recent ex lived off of me for a large portion of our relationship. All i wanted was for her to succeed and i was willing to do anything to support her. My inability to end the relationship dug me into a hole where I made absolutely zero progress in my music career and lost basically all of my money. The last straw was when I got $10k in insurance money from a car crash and spent it on supporting our lifestyle together over the course of 2 months (I like to live lavishly and I can easily afford it if it's just for myself). She made absolutely zero effort to get a job or generate any form of income. I finally told her she could not live with me anymore.. She moved to another state to live with her parents. Now she has two jobs and go-go dances on the side. We are broken up and now we are both happy and our lives are back on track. We are great friends still but never ever again could I be in a relationship with her or anyone who would sit aside idly while I pick up the check on everything.
She also disrespected me sexually on several occasions by fucking my friends on short hiatuses from our relationship.. Even caught chlamydia from her once. I'm not really going to go further into details because they are all long stories. Our stories are quite different but also share many similarities. I guess what I'm trying to say by all of this: don't waste any more time picking up your boyfriends slack. It sounds like it's time for you to kick him to the curb and get your own life back in order. This doesn't mean you have to totally remove him from your life but stop wasting your time on him because he's made it pretty clear by now that there will be no reciprocation on his end. -------------------- ![]()
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Space Nomad Registered: 06/18/13 Posts: 1,808 Loc: PHX Last seen: 5 years, 3 months |
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You way too pretty and nice to be treated like that. Dump him
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