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Anonymous #1
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Sobering up to cure mental health issues and addiction..HPPD is worse now?
#21956869 - 07/17/15 04:26 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Hello everyone. Hope you are all well. This is a long post. 
Near the start of the year I started talk based councilling. I have depression and anxiety stemming from childhood and picked up HPPD when I was in my teens. I'm 23 now and I want to change my life for the better.
What can I say. I have taken a vast majority of drugs, and it's safe to say I think I used to be addicted to MDMA, but in all honesty I would take everything and anything to fill the void in my heart from the depression. Taking this amount of MDMA, 2-cb, weed, lsd, mushrooms, 25-i...from the age of 18-20 I was Wasted. The party techno scene was just too good for me. I got hurt bad from abusing myself in this way, unsurprisingly. I stopped the MDMA and started taking SSRIs again a few years back for a year but continued to smoke weed. I have used MDMA a fair few times after this, along with tripping etc.. Hopefully some of you will know how it goes though never to the extent I used to again.
Cutting back on the party scene, I resigned myself to a nice weed addiction. What can I say it has been keeping me level since I was 15 though my use moved to pretty much needing it consistently, feeding a cycle of depression, anxiety and weed which I thought was helping.
I finally admitted my drug use to my councillor. They told me I HAVE to stop all drugs if I want to get better. I gave up weed for 2 months from March to the end of May. During this time I tripped on 3 drops of acid in the one night and I did not have the best time. I was trying to fill the void the weed addiction had left me...with predictably uncomfortable results. I learned from this trip..as I have learned from them all. I love psychedelics..they show me the truth..even if it fucking sucks. I don't trip all that often in all honesty I respect the drugs too much. Unlike MDMA which was just a god damn buzz.
Anyway, I relapsed on the weed after 2 months when a lot of heavy heavy stuff came back to me I'd been blocking out for about 8 years with anything I could get my hands on. It was fucking terrible. I started back on the SSRIS but while they were kicking in...it was too much. Smoked every day for about a month before my councillor showed me that I wouldn't get better this way. They are right too, I need to be sober to heal myself even though it's very hard.
So the last time I smoked was about 2 weeks ago. A lot easier to quit now I'm on the SSRIS and have been since mid way through May.
Now to my question. I've had HPPD since I rattled the MDMA and 2-cb. The weed was definetly not helping. I've been wanting to stop the HPPD though at the same time I do enjoy it, though not all the time.
Used to be a lot worse, esp when I was absuing a supreme amount of drink and drugs, every light I looked at would turn into a star...no glowing for me. I have cevs pretty much whenever I want them, when I stare at anything for a length of time it does the funky shit, music playing in my head...what can I say it's HPPD. I'm almost 100% sure. I've had it so long too but it doesn't bother me though the static in my eyes can be fucking annoying when I'm trying to sleep. I can conjoure up amazing images at will whenever I want..
But at the end of the day I'm trying to get well. I know I've done damage to myself but I hope I'm young enough to perhaps grow back at least some of the connections in my brain.
However, The past few days, I've had my sleep back everythings groovy there with the REM since quitting the weed. BUT, since quitting the weed my HPPD has gotten way more intense. I have to laugh that I've fucked up my head to the point that when I sober up I get even more tripping. Walking about earlier looking at trees it was like i'd taken maybe a gram of mushrooms. I felt good too, like I was floating. It was pretty fun considering I hadn't done anything except wake up haha.
But I'm now wondering...why is this happening? I'm wondering if because I've quit the weed on SSRIS and propranolol that they are now 'readjusting' in my head and giving me this symptom? Is it just because my brain is re jigging itself? Perhaps it is the stress of quitting smoking that is exacibating it? Or could it just be I'm sober now and it's just more clear than it was before? The music looping in my head is not quite as bad and I can stop it when I focus externally. I'm going to take up meditation and excerise. I've been eating healthy and trying not to drink too much.
Anyway, I'm not letting it bother me too much as I like the trippyness, more just a question of what other people think.
Thanks a lot for reading this
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m4dScientist
Music Always Helps


Registered: 08/04/14
Posts: 1,616
Last seen: 10 months, 25 days
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Re: Sobering up to cure mental health issues and addiction..HPPD is worse now? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#21958043 - 07/17/15 08:58 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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hey man.
my background is a bit different from yours, although you mentioned "filling the void", which ive tried doing my entire life. if it wasn't alcohol, it was drugs. if it wasn't drugs, it was women. if it wasn't women, it was this, or that.
as with all addictions, when the pain gets great enough, you will stop. but, in my opinion, you seem to wishy washy, which is probably why these drugs keep making appearances in your life.
you have to many substances coming in and out of your body, and if you actually do have a chemical imbalance responsible for your depression, its not going to get any better until you give yourself a GOOD amount of time, substance free.
im an addict/alcoholic, and Ive been anxious n depressed most of my life, but there is no "cure" out there. there is no magic pill. the road to recovery is a long and strenuous one. but, the mind is resilient. and if youre committed to getting well, in time, you will.
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Anonymous #2
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Re: Sobering up to cure mental health issues and addiction..HPPD is worse now? [Re: m4dScientist]
#21963799 - 07/19/15 08:30 AM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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whatever your blocking out from 8 years ago, you have to experience the pain, and get through it, then you will heal. then you wont feel so compelled to fill a void, because the void will be healed, which can only happen when you're sober and allowing yourself to experience the pain. i know thats not what you were asking about, just had to say
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Sobering up to cure mental health issues and addiction..HPPD is worse now? [Re: Anonymous #2]
#22009696 - 07/28/15 01:29 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Thanks for the replies. Sorry I was late to reply I went on a lovely holiday. I've been trying to get through the pain at councilling...it's very hard but I think I can do it this time.
Giving up alcohol now I think after my holiday, going to give 'full soberitey' a shot.
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SteelPanther

Registered: 05/28/12
Posts: 3,453
Loc: The Energy
Last seen: 8 years, 1 hour
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Re: Sobering up to cure mental health issues and addiction..HPPD is worse now? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#22020085 - 07/30/15 02:29 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I'l keep it short since I just posted in another hppd thread but I personally find weed keeps my hppd at bay, when I stop smoking weed it comes on hard, as in on the verge of a level 3 trip. So for me if I don't want hppd I have to smoke weed, but I don't really care about hppd as long as I can read. I remember for a while I had a hard time reading things because the words were as if they were on liquid and wouldn't stay in their place.
-------------------- Everything I say on here is not true, I am an insecure person who lies about doing drugs and stuff to make myself feel good. So any illegal things I may have talked about are all fictional.
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