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birdeatingspider
Stranger in Paradise



Registered: 12/18/14
Posts: 2,993
Loc: so many roads
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Saying goodbye to MXE
#21946957 - 07/15/15 11:50 AM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Have very mixed feelings about this. There is no denying there is a variance of mental addiction going on, and it is starting to seep through the cracks into my reality.
It has been two years of habitual use, the perma-tolerance is pronounced. I am not getting out of my sessions what I used to, and half the time I truly regret taking.
As a teen I had a heavy relationship with an illicit substance and it took a toll on my being. But when enough was enough I beat that monkey from my back and haven't touched the crap since. I do not regard MXE as evil as a substance, I have just been slowly changing my opinion about myself for allowing this to happen.
So I don't know where to begin. I have identified my eternal problem of escapism, as well as self sabotage- it is how this got this far. I've had thoughts of temporarily leaning on kratom, a numbing yet not dissociative plant. Rehab is not an option, I am a lone wolf by default and I get it done on my own terms- I naturally reject institutions, stringent rules and regulation.
IMO I live a natural and clean existence, simple organic diet, exercise, have many positive outlets. Just a crappy attitude and suffering self appreciation. Some of this has been projected onto me, but I accept it as my own either way. I haven't been meditating/ doing yoga.
How can I get through this, does anyone have thoughts, ideas, suggestion or story?
I could really use some support, I am so disappointed with myself and the shame literally has me on the brink of tears all the time, and has for months now. Thank you for reading.
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From all I may be, or have been before, To mingle with the Universe, and feel What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.
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ergoticmandala



Registered: 06/03/15
Posts: 1,256
Last seen: 4 years, 28 days
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Don't worry friend! if I were you i'd go to someone I can talk to about it, a very close friend and talk about it and that might feel somewhat liberating, of not you could try talking to a counselor/psychiatrist about it. Then just tell yourself with all your will that you are going to change things in your life.
You can do it, don't be too hard on yourself, you can come back from this.
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Turtletotem
Dutch Delight



Registered: 09/02/13
Posts: 3,763
Last seen: 4 years, 11 months
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Hey, the best of us can really struggle with addiction if the conditions for it are right, don't beat yourself up too much. as long as you are aware, you can get yourself out of that hole.
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birdeatingspider
Stranger in Paradise



Registered: 12/18/14
Posts: 2,993
Loc: so many roads
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So went on my 'goodbye MXE binge' last week, ran out and wasn't through. NOT in my right mind started drinking, this led me to hit up my once good friend now junkie loser. Drove over to his place, we went and got a g of smack. I hadn't touched that shit in 6 years, threw him a bit but did the rest, passed out sitting up. Woke the next day shuffled to the bathroom, look in the mirror and my fucking left eye is completely turned out while my right eye is looking straight. Went outside and threw up. Go back in and 'friend' asks me to leave as he was in pain and I was disturbing him. So half blind I grab my things and drive home.
Next couple days were a blur, eye was not fixing itself, went to ophthalmologist and he couldn't figure it out and referred me to a neurologist. I have my partner drive me and halfway there my eye goes straight. Whatever that was about, I don't know, but certainly won't be going near heroin ever, ever again.
About this time I get home and go to peruse Shroomery and realize my new Surface is AWOL. Hit up 'friend' and he gives me the run around and I am now in the process of looking for a new tablet. Mine was traded for a fix by a 'friend.'
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From all I may be, or have been before, To mingle with the Universe, and feel What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.
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Ped
Interested In Your Brain



Registered: 08/30/99
Posts: 5,494
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
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Oculomotor nerve palsy occurs when the third, fourth, or sixth cranial nerves are damaged or compressed. Its proximity to heroin use as well as its spontaneous resolution suggests compression, which in turn suggests the problem was either vascular or inflammatory. Repeated doses of heroin can create a prolonged hypoventilative and hypotensive state leading to hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy. This can put pressure on the cranial nerves. Even if spontaneously resolved, oculomotor nerve palsy needs to be investigated to rule out aneurysm or brain abscess.
The appearance of this palsy suggests that something serious occurred. It is the sort of event that can be a prelude to a hemorrhagic infarct, which can be debilitating or fatal. It can indicate the presence of a clot in the brain, or an infection. Given the involvement of intravenous injection, either of these is possible. It is important to receive a CT to establish your cerebrovascular health.
If you have not received a CT, please get one. Chances are high the danger has passed, but this needs to be confirmed.
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Dark Triangles - New Psychedelic Techno Single - Listen on Soundcloud Gyroscope full album available SoundCloud or MySpace
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ReposadoXochipilli
Here, there, inbetween



Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 7,501
Loc: Sand and sunshine
Last seen: 19 days, 20 hours
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Re: Saying goodbye to MXE [Re: Ped]
#22015900 - 07/29/15 04:30 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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ped is like the shroomery's knight in shining white drug knowledge. cheers for all the work you do here and care you give.
op
keep your head on straight, when you feel yourself following those pathways towards a bad choice try and derail it, often once whatever made you want to use passes you wonder why the hell you wanted to in the first place.
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vandago



Registered: 07/07/04
Posts: 20,917
Loc: .
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This may help you say good bye.
This story is strikingly similar to what happened to me on mxe once. I blacked out and snorted way way too much, barely remember much of the trip other than being trapped in eternal hell. I ended up slicing the tendon in my middle finger, this dude his thumb:
https://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=95306
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empty space
the void


Registered: 12/19/12
Posts: 1,120
Last seen: 6 years, 10 months
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Re: Saying goodbye to MXE [Re: vandago]
#22020726 - 07/30/15 04:33 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I know how it goes with mxe. For me it was a self-loathing for lacking the ability to resist its temptation. I finally had to quit because I crashed my car and got paranoid to the point that I thought my best friend was involved in a plot w my housemates to frame me.
I'd say one of the things that most made me want to quit was Royal Jelly and bee pollen. If purchased from a quality source, fresh royal jelly has a huge amount of nutrients.. Same with the pollen. Properly preserved pollen can have up to 16g of protein per serving!!
I started eating royal jelly every morning and night.. Bee pollen throughout the day. With all of my receptors recharging, I starting feeling better sober than on mxe. I ultimately flushed down 4g of pure mxe and didn't do it again for a long time.
Dissociatives are a difficult loop to get out of but its possible. You just have to take care of and love your body!!
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birdeatingspider
Stranger in Paradise



Registered: 12/18/14
Posts: 2,993
Loc: so many roads
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Pretty bummed my post was lost, but wanted to update. I can't say enough how much I appreciate the responses..
Ped, your concern really struck a nerve in me to become more respectful of my body and mind.
I have as a result of this experience become more cognoscente of set and setting, and have reached the place of questioning WHY I am using.
It was an eye opener, so to speak, and not knowing the explanation is keeping me on my toes and honest with myself. Perhaps foolish to not get the CT, but I'd prefer to err on side of caution and just not pull such a -dumb- stunt like I did.
Was able to get my tablet back, found my thought to be long lost crystal wrap in the process, and have had a dramatic attitude change.
Would love to say I am done altering my consciousness, alas its not a relative thought in my mind at this point. Not going to let down myself or anyone around me anymore, can't bear it- aiming to display more responsibility in what I choose to ingest from here on out.
Oh, empty space- I have had Royal Jelly in the frig for awhile, never could get over the taste, but I've started to add it to my morning smoothies
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From all I may be, or have been before, To mingle with the Universe, and feel What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.
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