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Stranger Registered: 07/14/15 Posts: 31 Last seen: 6 years, 3 months |
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Hey guys, hope someone can help me out, excuse me for my bad english btw.
Some background info.. Currently 21 years old, smoked my first Joint when i was around 17-18 cant remember exactly, anyway i've been smoking alot for the past two years. around 3-7 joints each day, especially this last year, non of which i regret tho, they have been amazing times, either alone or with my friends! Which i might wanna include is that i have a extreme Narcistic dad, mostly in terms of extreme outbursts of anger.. people who've been dealing with this or have relatives or friends who did, know what i am talking about, living with him was already a hard part without the problem that i've been dealing with lately, since my mother divorced two years ago, ive been to hell and back, long story short. i lived the last year alone with my dad, and was constantly trying to make him at ease (so he didn't burst out in anger each hour, when he did i always lit a Joint so i could calm down after the incident.. Around march me and two friends decided we wanted to try and do some shrooms, we really looked forward to it!! so said, so done, we bought 15 grams of utopia magic truffels. we each took 1/3 of it. One of my friends didn't feel anything, the other one had a mild tripping experience, I enjoyed mine aswell, had amazing visuals, all in all a good time! ![]() So here comes the bad part.. Me and my friends had such an amazing time the last time we tripped on magic truffels (shrooms) we decided we wanted to trip again as soon as possible! We started to research a bit and found out the best time between trips was 4 weeks, so we waited 4 weeks and tripped again, now only this time one of my friends went to Amsterdam and bought two boxes of Magic truffels (Dragon Dynamite) 15gram. he said: the shop owner said they were the strongest ones they had. I was like: fuck yeah! lets do this, so after a few days that i had stored the truffels in the fridge we went tripping, we smoked a couple of jays through the day, nothing special, we were used to being high alot of times, anyways.. we split the 30 grams on each of us, so we all had about 10 gram, maybe a little less. We were pretty giggly and stuff, had a pretty good setup. good music, tv, some drinks and some desert pudding, which we used to eat the truffels with. So there we go, we eaten them pretty slowly, after i had finished them, i felt it coming after i think half an hour, to a hour, we were doing some stupid stuff, talking weird stuff, oh well.. just had a fantastic time, only my one friend didn't feel anything again this time anyways, at one moment my narcistic dad entered the room with a boom, he pulled open the sliding door, which is another part of the house we were tripping in. He went EXTREMELY MAD because my one friend, who didnt feel the truffels, ate the whole sausage that was in the kitchen. (he was feeling bad because he hadnt anything to eat that day) so before my dad went all mad, he agreed that he could take a piece of that sausage, now me and my friend were tripping pretty hard at that time, and didnt even notice him eating it or whatsoever, instead of taking a PIECE of sausage he took the whole thing, which resulted in my N dad's extreme outburst of anger (yes i know, kind of silly, but that's how it is with people with that disorder. So, i took pretty much all the blame, he started psychopaticaly screaming at me-(us) the look in his eyes was so evil(always was when he entered that (mode i call it) but i think while tripping i was more open to good, as well as bad feelings.. so i became extremly terrified.. and a bad vibe almost a bad entity entered the room, especially on me, i took the full brunt of it. we had such a good vibe before, and all was good, we were laughing and felt so connected to each other and nature. after that i felt guilty, and my dad entered extreme bitch mode, which was all bad for the trip at that time. so i decided to go to the kitchen (all while tripping balls hard) and bake him a complete new sausage, my friends were overwhelmed aswell, and felt guilty as well, my dad can do that very efficiently, believe me.. so me and my friends tryed to calm each other down to some degree, in the kitchen. after the sausage was done, i brought it to my dad, he was stil in his but-hurt bitching mode, i over apologized, which i always did, with whatever incident there was. anyways, at the time he didnt recoginize our good intentions, which is also common. so i just left it with him, apologized another time.. so did my friend after a long time of us trying to convince him to humbly apologize to my dad. which now i think is complete nosense. believe it or not, actually after the trip i felt there was more wrong with my dad.Aftermath: so as far as i can remember the first few days after the trip were pretty normal, i was smoking with my friends as i always did. but after a few days, my dad started to talk very ill about my ex-girlfriend, i told him 3 times to stop, which at the third time resulted me slamming the door real hard, cus he can put someone on edge SO MUCH you wouldnt believe it. when he wouldnt quit, before i slammed the door, to take out my anger, i felt my shoulders and neck tensing up really bad, like ive never experienced. i never let this happen to me, and normally can take ALOT, really. i used to be the calm-in person. guy.. always carefree, and a good time. aftermath 2: at some time, i noticed that i became alot more self concious, even while smoking weed. one evening i was chilling with my friend and were watching a movie. i noticed i felt my head making weird throbbing movements, i was lying down on the sofa, and felt the heartbeat in the back of my head. i was like wtf is this shit?? so because of that i became extremly self concious. I couldn't even watch the movie anymore, i was also somewhat reliving the traumatic experience (which was in the same room) while i was tripping. and thinking back about it (maybe even subconcious..) just after that everything went backwards.. aftermath 2: I went to the doctor, and explained my complains about a stiff neck and head twitching and shoulders. he said everything is fine and its just stress.. so i felt kinda relieved. he said he didnt notice my head moving or anything. gonna cut the story short now a bit. Aftermath 3: Currently not living with my dad anymore. i also quited weed. i've been dealing with social anxiety ever since, actually even when i was still smoking weed. (this was after the traumatic scare experience) since that time increasingly my friends acted all fidgy, and shaky around me, as if my dad drained my aura, and put bad things in it. since that time i've also feel alot of unrest in my body (some kind of electricity) I dont know what it is, but my body, or aura or body chemistry is fully out of order, maybe it's all in my head, and i am projecting my body language to my friends, which they pick up. i dont know, i just dont like it to make my friends feel bad I am also over analizing everything currently. i am just looking for answers..Sorry, it's been a chaotic and long story, there is a little more on my mind concerning, people suddenly act scary when they see me, or as if i am super entertaining to look at or whatever. i also hate the feeling of people being behind me, my neck tenses up even more, i start holding my breath and start to act weird.. i do smoke normal tabacco stil, since this helps with the stress at the moment. p.s also a big deal. i cant seem to smoke weed anymore as i used to. i feel lost in my own body, feel disconnected. start to think bad things, and even some times i had a panic attack. i must say the last time i smoked it all went a bit better. so i think i am recovering. hope someone can give me advice, or tell me what's wrong with me, or if its all in my head etc.
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Railyard Ghost Registered: 09/23/14 Posts: 1,827 Loc: MT-Hell |
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yea , set and setting man . really horrible vibes even more because its your father and even more because you maybe dont want your dad to find out youre on shrooms .
had one of my friends dad that used to freakout sometimes during partys at like 1-2 am, too drunk and high on coke. he would start fighting with his son and strangling him and shut the party down because we broke something or some shit. i was like 15 years old super high on weed like WTF want you to know that alot of people have anxiety and symptoms you describe in general, its partly genetics and partly environemental . but psychoactives drugs can probably bring it a little earlier my first post was kinda like you man .but i was at rock bottom after 4 years of meth and lots of other drugs thinking i had fucked my life having jerks and was on the side of a panic attack just buying smokes at the corner store im ok now you probably can too its all about a healthy life style , and re up that self estime, find something youre good at and do it ! and dont forget to go out there with your friends, life is fun ![]() welcome to the shroomery bud
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Oh baby what Is you doin?? Registered: 04/04/12 Posts: 13,851 Loc: |
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Quote: You took 10 grams with your friends while in your dads house. What the fuck did you think was gonna happen?
-------------------- I'm stupid, Enlil is smart. I'm ugly, Enlil is beautiful. I'm a loser, Enlil is a winner. Someday, I hope to be like Enlil but secretly know I never will.
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Mdmazing Registered: 07/23/14 Posts: 13,137 Loc: San Francisco Last seen: 2 years, 2 months |
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They were tuffles which aren't that strong. Yea man it just sounds like wrong setting, wrong time
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Stranger Registered: 07/14/15 Posts: 31 Last seen: 6 years, 3 months |
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Quote: Quote: I know it wasn't a smart idea, but didn't gave it much thought at that time. We told him beforehand we were going to use mushrooms that night, but you're right i shouldn't have done it in our house with my dad having those extreme outbursts. I just never knew i was so fragile while tripping on truffels, when my friends were over some other nights and we were just blazin weed he would ocasonally get those outbursts aswell, but somehow i could shake them off better, then while i was tripping. it's still following me around, like if it triggered my anxiety, i am hypervigelent and suffer from a cptsd.. which was caused by my dad's constant psychological bombs. Does someone have any tips so i can become my old self again? I am currently going to a therapist.
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... Registered: 05/24/13 Posts: 4,340 Loc: Amsterdam Last seen: 6 months, 19 days |
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You can not become your old self again. You changed. You quit a strong weed habit. You gained experiences.
You are becoming your future self. You said you used to be calm in response to your dad. You also said you now slammed the door in response to him. It sounds like you no longer accept his unjust anger and realise that you have to stand up for yourself. You can't just keep sucking that torment up. It's time to deal with that and with the impact your dad's behaviour has had on you throughout the years. A therapist is a good idea. It seems to me that you are making all the right choices and I trust you will be fine. It might not be easy at times but I think you are on the right track!
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Stranger Registered: 07/14/15 Posts: 31 Last seen: 6 years, 3 months |
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Quote: Thanks for having me ![]() mhm, i am sorry to hear that, just happy that someone can relate to my situation and how i am feeling at the moment. If you don't mind i take u as a good example that i can go back to my normal self. it's just as you say, my self esteem is like -100 at the moment. also i am eating way healthier then when i was still at my dad's. I am just struggling to find something that i really like.. anyways that's something i have to find out on my own i think. About that being with my friends, i dont know what it is.. but my friends act all weird around me, their voices are shakey, they become fidgy and uncomfortable around me. I've read more posts about this on the internet, i should probably not give it so much thought as it wil become worse, and i become even more self concious.. after a night of chilling i always feel the need to apologize for creating such a bad vibe, sometimes they stop talking for example, then i think it's because of me. the person i am sitting next to becomes uncomfortable aswell, it's probably because i am the one uncomfortable which i really am. (could be because i dont feel like i fit in anymore, and quiting weed.) about the one i am sitting next to my pheriphal vision is going to act insane, i am constantly checking my seroundings, especially my left and right. I cant stop this shit, i hate it cus i dont even wanna look at my friends, ofcourse i want to look at them while i am talking but not 100% at the time. I wish i could just turn down abit when i am around my friends again, i trust them 100% but it's stil something i cant stop. like i am pushing them away myself. one of my friends tell me that it's just in my head, i try to believe him, but there are so many ocasions when one of my friends looks really terrified (caused by my stupid pheriphal vision i am sure of.) Tips and advice are really welcome
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Stranger Registered: 07/14/15 Posts: 31 Last seen: 6 years, 3 months |
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Quote: Yea i agree, never should've tripped in the same house with my dad, when i try to look at it from the bright side it was a learning experience
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Stranger Registered: 07/14/15 Posts: 31 Last seen: 6 years, 3 months |
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Quote: You're right, i've been through hell the last two years, and changed throughout those years aswell, when i think a little more about it, I dont want to become my old self again. I just want to get to a point where i am comfortable with myself again, aswell as my friends. Yea when i decided i wanted to live with my dad, (which was i mistake i deeply regret now) I thought everything was going to be just fine, IT WAS especially at the start, which slowly turned way worse over the months, his behavior towards me. which now i know alot more about, since i did alot of research about Severe Narccism, and what kind of tricks they use to try and break u. I went to my local doctor, and when i was summing up all my complaints, she said you've been/become a victim of you're dad's narccism.. i was like what is that? Cus before my mother was his victim, i always felt there was something not right.. and my mom didn't felt really at ease. but i never could really put my finger on it what it was.. when i think back about when i was younger, they had a fight atleast 4 times a week. which i didn't gave much thought at the time. (cus i was kinda used to it, and thought it was normal) to the point when i visited my friends, but even then i didnt really think much about it. i just thought my dad and mom didn't agree alot with each other.. my mom also didn't never talk about it, well now we do ALOT over skype, but she just protected me, and wanted to give me a feeling of a normal home. which she did GREAT. I have just so much respect for my mother how she lived that way all those years, i do cry alot about it. cus i feel really bad for her and also guilty. because i also was a teenager and had school problems and what not. everything that's somewhat normal in growing up i guess. There is just so much anger towards him, which i need to let go i know. but it's really hard. Also about that slamming the door, i normally don't do that, cus i've been raised to respect my parents above all. yes i am allowed to get mad at them but not to an extent where i would hit them. He just hit a trigger real hard about talking bad about my ex, and the way he did it was just so painful. He just kept on going. at the first warning i was like: dad stop please. second: dad now it's enough stop. he just kept going.. third: NOW ITS ENOUGH STOP FFS (SLAMS THE DOOR) before i slammed the door i felt my neck and shoulder muscles tensen up so bad, still suffering from that til today, i dont know what it is, but they seem like they've been retracked (like become shorter of some sort? also with each little amount of stress is now going towards that area, which is really anoying.. Yea i've been talking back to him when he would get mad, and not let him get to me. It's just that it's so draining everytime he does that, it literally goes under your skin. and the problem is he even likes it, he gains energy from it. while i suffer from increased hart rate, and feeling very uneasy. I instantly would roll a Joint, if not one was already burning.. to calm me down. which always helped. But at some point, when i was short from breaking mentally, i just didn't had the energy to talk back to him, and it's just as you said, i sucked it up all of it. well before i sucked it up aswell, but i gave my counter towards him. I just couldn't do it anymore at some point. god this felt good just typing that off my chest. Again thanks for having me guys, P.s could it be that because of my bad truffel trip it unlocked some memories about the past?
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... Registered: 05/24/13 Posts: 4,340 Loc: Amsterdam Last seen: 6 months, 19 days |
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Unlocking memories from the past is definitely something a trip can do. Trips bring out material from your unconciousness. That's both the beauty and the risk of tripping.
It's good to know yourself a bit more like that. To bring unconcious material into conciousness. But, it can no longer be ignored thereafter and dealing with it becomes urgent... With what you said about your neck responding so much to these emotions, you might want to look into body awareness forms of therapy, like haptonomy for instance. I recently started haptonomy sessions myself after some trips that drove a few realisations home. I like how it focuses on the body and touch instead of just talking. I already rationalise everything, so I don't need any more of that in dealing with issues from the feelings department... Just two cents
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Stranger Registered: 07/14/15 Posts: 31 Last seen: 6 years, 3 months |
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Quote: It's true that i recall some stuff that happened in the past, mostly one horrible thing which goes way back when i was around nine to eleven years old. I try to accept it and move on, but it seems to be coming back now and then. How can i deal with it? About the neck thing, it does sound interesting these haptonomy sessions, i looked into it a little. but my question is wil this help loosen up the tension that is created there? it did slowly get better over the past few days, i think alot of my problem also has to do with quiting weed. (depression, fear of people) Another thing i tried is facing my fears, just doing something which i would normally run from. this seems to help alot too ![]() Another question i have, would tripping again on mushrooms make my situation worse? or could a good setting and being with my friends resolve the issues from the last trip? 'gives two cents 'Cheerz
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... Registered: 05/24/13 Posts: 4,340 Loc: Amsterdam Last seen: 6 months, 19 days |
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In my experience mushrooms are good at pointing out habits that need to change and providing a mental reset that allows you to start changing them. The actual change requires work in everyday life. The trip itself doesn't really fix anything I feel. It provides opportunities.
What I do get sometimes is the feeling that the mental reset didn't fully occur. In that case if I trip again, I get another chance to complete the reset (which feels good!). So, in that sense, another trip fixes what the previous one didn't really do completely. So I'd say go for it. Set an intention. Pay attention to set and setting. Talk openly to your friends about what bothers you and the worries you may have in regards to tripping with them. Let the mushrooms take it from there. If you are careful about picking the right set and setting and your intention, you've done your part of the job
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Stranger Registered: 07/14/15 Posts: 31 Last seen: 6 years, 3 months |
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Honestly i would like to reset time and wish i'd never tripped that second time. It feels like my view of the world, small things, just everything changed so much.. I wish i could say it changed for the better, but just the opposite is true
It feels like my brain has completely changed. Like wired in a whole other way.Is this just my imagination or truth? Don't get me wrong, i loved the first trip, tho i must say i felt some changes happening too, but for the better! not worse tho i have to say i really have second thoughts about tripping a third time, as my life is currently upside down and healing from my dad's abuse. Living situation is unsure, work aswell, and some minor other stuff. Would it be wise to wait to trip again after i figured everything out and have everything secure? Another question, which REALLY bothers me.. about weed. Always loved the smoking experience, it made me feel whole, and just generally happier i functioned perfectly while under the influence of weed. Now i just feel somewhat trapped in my own body, kind of hard to explain. Anyways, ever since i had that bad experience with my last trip weed slowly started to act different on my body, and got worse over time. When i smoked a joint not long ago, i felt really bad, like not being in the moment (depersonalization or something) I felt like i had to run cus i got scared, and had a panic attack, my whole body was shaking. I loved to smoke weed so much and it helped me so much in the past. Now when i smoke i become extremely self concious, and it feels like my body or mind is fighting the high instead of loving it?![]() I am looking to pick up my smoking again after some time, but that's for later, What could be the causes for this tho?
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Railyard Ghost Registered: 09/23/14 Posts: 1,827 Loc: MT-Hell |
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I really really really doubt your 10g of truffles done that. i mean thats like the equivalent of 1.5 g or some like that ? thats nothing bro not sure it could even give PTSD
on the other hand ive heard and see and experience my self the effect of abusing cannabis and having genetics that are predisposed to anxiety,depersonalisation,depere hell i even know people who suffers from that naturally without drugs. it also has to do with transition from teenage hood to adult hood and many other factors. and in a way everybody on earth deals with anxiety. for your second question,abusing weed is a contributor of the symptom youre describing. alot of people i know suffering from anxiety,depersonalisation stop smoking weed because of the effect it has on them. for my part when i first started dealing with those symptoms i started to binge on alcohol and use way more frequently hard drug like meth to continue a "normal" party social life and give me confidence and i could smoke weed on party nights and not even feeling the effects. and when i wasnt high on something that would disminish the weed. i would isolate myself ,one part becausew the comedown of meth is horrible and the second part because i could enjoy weed to the fullest again. I lost 3 years of my life just smoking weed at my home in my little comfort bubble on wealth care growing dope and go out form time to time but i had to get super fucking high in order to .But in the end i had lost 3 years of my life and my symptoms were way way worst . so basicly my tips would be you can still smoke weed but keep it far from everyday use . it will make your life harder. keep working on your life and achieve goals you want to. things WILL get better if you dont isolate yourself and actually work on your issues. on the bright side having depersonalization,anxiety and smoking weed is a hella ride. youre kidding tripping harder then most people, listening to music alone with headphones and stuff can actualy really feel like a dissociative experience but yea good luck brother, dont beat yourself too much with that ok buddy
Edited by Jean-guy Masta (07/16/15 05:39 PM)
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Mdmazing Registered: 07/23/14 Posts: 13,137 Loc: San Francisco Last seen: 2 years, 2 months |
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I'm telling you man MDMA could do some serious healing for you....
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anyways, at one moment my narcistic dad entered the room with a boom, he pulled open the sliding door, which is another part of the house we were tripping in. He went EXTREMELY MAD because my one friend, who didnt feel the truffels, ate the whole sausage that was in the kitchen. (he was feeling bad because he hadnt anything to eat that day) so before my dad went all mad, he agreed that he could take a piece of that sausage, now me and my friend were tripping pretty hard at that time, and didnt even notice him eating it or whatsoever, instead of taking a PIECE of sausage he took the whole thing, which resulted in my N dad's extreme outburst of anger (yes i know, kind of silly, but that's how it is with people with that disorder. So, i took pretty much all the blame, he started psychopaticaly screaming at me-(us) the look in his eyes was so evil(always was when he entered that (mode i call it) but i think while tripping i was more open to good, as well as bad feelings.. so i became extremly terrified.. and a bad vibe almost a bad entity entered the room, especially on me, i took the full brunt of it. we had such a good vibe before, and all was good, we were laughing and felt so connected to each other and nature. after that i felt guilty, and my dad entered extreme bitch mode, which was all bad for the trip at that time. so i decided to go to the kitchen (all while tripping balls hard) and bake him a complete new sausage, my friends were overwhelmed aswell, and felt guilty as well, my dad can do that very efficiently, believe me.. so me and my friends tryed to calm each other down to some degree, in the kitchen. after the sausage was done, i brought it to my dad, he was stil in his but-hurt bitching mode, i over apologized, which i always did, with whatever incident there was. anyways, at the time he didnt recoginize our good intentions, which is also common. so i just left it with him, apologized another time.. so did my friend after a long time of us trying to convince him to humbly apologize to my dad. which now i think is complete nosense. believe it or not, actually after the trip i felt there was more wrong with my dad.
im ok now you probably can too
its all about a healthy life style , and re up that self estime, find something youre good at and do it ! and dont forget to go out there with your friends, life is fun 


'

