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purelycontradictin


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what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions)
#21937973 - 07/13/15 04:08 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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might be a little cheesy in parts* expressing feelings and what-not
it would be a long story to give what i feel, is necessary to truly understand or come up with the origin of this problem, or how to possibly fix it.
i used to FEEL. it was like i was god, or sent to make the world around me better. i felt so intoxicated by things, music...oh man. i almost want to cry thinking about what i used to have with music. i could listen to the same song 50 times in a row, and many times the next day and feel like i was in a happy dream. i used to feel connected to people, i mean, i do here and there...
but most of the time i have to have this fucking guard up. People are dickheads, don't relate to me, or it feels awkward trying to go through the ritual of being acquainted with them. I used to despise being alone, and wanted to make petty attempts to make friends. It could have something to do with the last 2 years. 2-18 years old i lived in washington and made close friends (my best friend is in prison for murder...and i feel like i lost him) he's gonna get out at 40 years old or so....and at this rate, i'll probably lose the feelings to care, and i hate it
i want to feel close to the world around me again like i did. like it loves me and understands me. it's like i woke up on a different planet with people who look like people i know, but something is "off". i know it's just me, and i changed somehow.
i feel moments of closeness here and there, but when i talk to my other best friend/ good friends, i don't feel much. it's like they think i'm this person they remember and keep talking to. I mostly feel anger, depression, loneliness, misunderstood, targeted, alienated, relaxed, content.
the little, and i mean little...amount of emotion i have left, i don't know how to invest without backfiring. i don't know how i'd be around my friends again, and without being there for 2 years, it seems like our paths are diverging and i'm truly going to be alone, with an erratic and dramatic history that i will be dealing with alone as well.
i feel like the giver, watching everyone connected with one another and living their lives carefree, almost unaware of the pain or uncomfortable truths that a minority of people (like me), even if just one person, has to live with.
does anyone understand this? how can someone who felt SOOOOOO much, feel so numb? is it really as simple as depression? i vaguely remember this feeling 4 years ago, but it was more mild i believe, and temporary than this. I've wanted to die many many times since 1.5 years ago, but i don't have the balls to take my own life, i'd like to take advantage and risk what's left of my well-being to make it all better again. I know the potential to feel good is there, i've have moments of it, even recently where it's like i'm about to "wake up", and then i drift back into my previous state.
TL;DR, i used to be full of life and really happy and appreciative, now i'm numb and reserved/life feels empty, and I want insight
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impatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard



Registered: 11/26/14
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Do you have a family?
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purelycontradictin


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also, i used to be really attracted to a woman's face, now it just looks like shapes put together, like an interesting painting (not literally, but how it feels to look at)
all i feel is, she's ugly, nothing, or i know she's pretty but so what?
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purelycontradictin


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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: impatientguy]
#21938035 - 07/13/15 04:19 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
impatientguy said: Do you have a family?
it's complicated. if i explained it, it would seem like something out of a movie, and it's also very personal...but i live with my mom, and other than that. I have no physical relationship to family. mostly because of her job, and family is scattered around. it's also been awhile since i was with the ones i care about, and i used to care about some a lot, but after enough time, and disputes...i don't have any feelings, they're like acquaintances . except my brother, who i never met until last year about...cool and funny guy, but i feel slightly numb around him too after awhile
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impatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard



Registered: 11/26/14
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You need something that makes you happy man. I have felt this way within the last few years and what's has helped me is focusing on my family my work and my hobbies. Do you own a dog? Have a girlfriend? Do you hike or have a garden? You must make your own happiness. Where do you live bud?
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purelycontradictin


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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: impatientguy]
#21938075 - 07/13/15 04:29 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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that's what i was thinking, but it's like i'm being brainwashed. it's so persistent i can't remember how i got this way, though it's most likely as simple as just being happy.
i live in ekalaka montana, 300-400 people, median age is mid 50's...a bunch of close minded hill billies for the most part who i've tried to hang out with...nearest town is 40 miles away, with nothing that much better. the girls are too slutty, or just too bold and nosey and i don't find attractive. but besides the want of cumming, i could care less, which would've seemed insane a few years ago.
no dogs, not allowed to do anythign to this house (rent)..and we need to save money because she's on a contract. i work too, but it's like 1/5 of what she makes, which is still a bit hard because of moves, and other expenses.
right now i'm playing gta5 online, which is fun and stimulating, but really all i do for "fun", is try to educate myself more, practice freestyling, talk to myself, daydream, sleep, and that's about it...no friends here, but at least i'm not hated. I get uncomfortable walking or driving anywhere or having to talk to people here, cuz i know everything i do and say will be talked about and remembered and tallied against me, the politics in this place push my already slight paranoia to levels of insanity. I don't leave the house unless i need to
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impatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard



Registered: 11/26/14
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I think the root of your emotional distress is anxiety and lack of friends from what I think I understand. I have a similar situation. What's has helped me is to make my parents my friends haha and to make sure to smoke weed every day. It's hard to say for sure what will help you but I would look into hobbies you can do without buying anything hiking\working out. And without my two labs (dogs) I would be a little more lonely so I would recommend getting a puppy and raising it up. It's so great to have some thing to be sooooo excited to see you when you get home plus they are just so happy all the time such a great influence.
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purelycontradictin


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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: impatientguy]
#21938143 - 07/13/15 04:45 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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well thanks for that man
i'm glad it's not something i've had my whole life, although, if i felt this way my whole life than i wouldn't know what bad felt like i guess lol.
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Psychonautica
Cuddly Wuddly Fuccboi


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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: impatientguy] 1
#21938165 - 07/13/15 04:49 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Did my freestyles ruin your love of hip hop
-------------------- The chances of you even being born, Were forty million to one. There's two parts of the statistic And I want you to live through one 3/8/95 - 7/10/15 Rest In Paradise, Brother. Sheekle said: yeah, i said i was afraid of psychonautica

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hex_enduction
satta massa gana



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Have you ever considered getting the fuck out of where you're at? Seems like a pretty oppressive environment (just in terms of the people, I'm sure it's beautiful there). Of course I'm sure that's easier said than done but a change of scenery might help 
I honestly can't help you too much because I'm in the same boat. I feel like I'm not the same person I used to be and I seldom feel much of anything anymore.
--------------------
Connoisseur said: oh ive cried on drugs sunshine said: Tragic. I told the cop not to do it but he didn't listen.
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impatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard



Registered: 11/26/14
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No problem man
Venting can help a lot
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Envix
Avoidant Disorder



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do you believe you used to be 'in love' at some point?
cuz there's no such thing. but you can trick yourself into believing something so powerfully it becomes true manifest in your reality. you can actually enhance your senses and awareness through conscious intent like honing a superpower
-------------------- smack a hoe out this dimension continue my ascension -bhad bhabie rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b
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Psychonautica
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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: Envix]
#21938195 - 07/13/15 04:55 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
Envix said: do you believe you used to be 'in love' at some point?
cuz there's no such thing.
-------------------- The chances of you even being born, Were forty million to one. There's two parts of the statistic And I want you to live through one 3/8/95 - 7/10/15 Rest In Paradise, Brother. Sheekle said: yeah, i said i was afraid of psychonautica

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pslyke
fantasmagoric



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What's your physical health like? Are you eating healthy, getting enough rest and exercising? Are you getting out and enjoying some sunshine after a long hard winter? What you're describing sounds like prototypical signs of depression. If you were to tell most any physician these things they would want to put you on one or more psychotropic meds. If you're not doing enough of the above and you want to improve your mood, why don't you start with a strictly regimented food, sleep and exercise schedule? Most studies show that these things are as effective, or more effective than antidepressants. They certainly have less/no side effects and they make you look good naked!
I was going to suggest that you go find a young lady (or man if that's your thing) to have sexy time with, but it sounds like you should work on you and how you are feeling prior to getting involved with someone. Best wishes getting back to your old self.
-------------------- "What appears impenetrable to us does exist, manifesting itself in the deepest wisdom and the most radiant beauty" Einstein "The conservatives of 70 years ago would be outraged at what has come to pass. It embodies everything they took up arms for to defeat"Asante
Edited by pslyke (07/13/15 05:24 PM)
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purelycontradictin


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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: Envix]
#21938472 - 07/13/15 06:03 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
Envix said: do you believe you used to be 'in love' at some point?
cuz there's no such thing. but you can trick yourself into believing something so powerfully it becomes true manifest in your reality. you can actually enhance your senses and awareness through conscious intent like honing a superpower
i find this somewhat ironic based off your mood smiley
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purelycontradictin


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it's nice to know it's a common thing. but yeah, nothing i can do as of right now. but on the bright side, i'm going to reno to spend time with family i like for 2 weeks in a sweet hotel, along with other things. including, sexy time.
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404
error


Registered: 08/20/10
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Sounds like depression honestly. I feel a lot like that. Life had a lot more umf wonder and novelty and now i just feel like it's all kind of bland like bran muffin cereal except it just tastes like cardboard. Sometimes not always. Ever tried talking to a professional?
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purelycontradictin


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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: 404]
#21938855 - 07/13/15 07:31 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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i thought about it. i'm worried if i confided in one too much, i'd went up in a psych ward. some thoughts aren't meant to be shared imo. also, it seems rather costly, and i'd constantly be thinking about the fact that this person most likely learned about whatever problems of mine through a book, and not actual experience...and that it wouldn't be possible without being charged for it. kind of like paying a prostitute to be your girlfriend, although isn't that what a girlfriend is anyways? except cleaner and not as many clients in a certain amount of time
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drege
This space for lease

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Are you 
 >
--------------------
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purelycontradictin


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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: drege]
#21938907 - 07/13/15 07:42 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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not in this life, although i do support what he does
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drege
This space for lease

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Real talk bro; there's an old proverb (zen Buddhism I think)
Quote:
"The student came to the teacher and lamented 'my meditation is faltering, I'm distracted and having trouble focusing on my studies . . . ' "The master replies;'this too shall pass' "some time later the student returned to the master and in jubilation exclaimed 'You were right master, my concentration has increased a thousandfold, blah, blah positive banter' "To witch the master replied only nonchalantly 'this too shall pass'
Life is not meant to be one continuos movement of contentedness as a symphonic piece, its more like the shores of any active ocean, ebb and flow, tidal shift, pollution, degradation, the entities within it will come and go with no observable pattern and you too will sway under this constant shifting, we like to believe that our life will be just so; fun times child hood, graduation, experimentation, settling down, making more humans and growing old to die peaceful in ones slumber, its more like a string of muggings in a vast array of arterial alleyways in some halfassed lightened cityscape, the day will dawn again, but you will be hurting here and there.
To me the down periods are more colorful than the heights of my existence, a lot of artists and poets have created their greatest pieces in the depths of depression and sorrow from loss.
But thankfully I don't seem to remember the reasons for my misery, it has lead me to do miserable things over and over again; I can't count how many times I have gotten back together with women that have consistently mistreated me.
--------------------
https://discord.gg/hqdy5ymn
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purelycontradictin


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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: drege] 1
#21939091 - 07/13/15 08:25 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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if i could clone myself, i would just make myself suck my dick
like big bob says, "nothing gay about getting your dick sucked"
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drege
This space for lease

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Whats that got to do with your emotional state atm?
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404
error


Registered: 08/20/10
Posts: 14,539
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Quote:
purelycontradictin said: i thought about it. i'm worried if i confided in one too much, i'd went up in a psych ward. some thoughts aren't meant to be shared imo. also, it seems rather costly, and i'd constantly be thinking about the fact that this person most likely learned about whatever problems of mine through a book, and not actual experience...and that it wouldn't be possible without being charged for it. kind of like paying a prostitute to be your girlfriend, although isn't that what a girlfriend is anyways? except cleaner and not as many clients in a certain amount of time 
Winding up ina psychward isn't always what happens but i don't know what youre referring to so who knows... I was having psychotic delusions at one point and my shrink just upped my risperdone... Which i promptly refused lol
I never told him all my thoughts or all of what i experienced. Use your discretion, they are human after all...
These people are trained and do have experience in treating things like depression. It could all boil down to a change in brain chemistry or it could be something else. Hard to say without the expert opinion of someone in the medical field.
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drege
This space for lease

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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: 404]
#21939150 - 07/13/15 08:37 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Using the words "expert" in the same post as the term "medical field"
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https://discord.gg/hqdy5ymn
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404
error


Registered: 08/20/10
Posts: 14,539
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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: drege]
#21939166 - 07/13/15 08:40 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Why is that funny? I mean, i guess its kind of silly considering all the bunk doctors are out there... Oh. Right
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Acaterpillar
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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: drege]
#21939169 - 07/13/15 08:40 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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OP, I'm in a similar state at the moment. I think it's a combination of anxiety and depression.
Just have to force yourself through the steps of life and things will get better.
-------------------- Aaa...E I O Uuu...A E I O Uuu..A E I O uh Uuu.. *Cough* *Cough* Ooo...U E I O Aaa...U E I Aaa..A E I O Uuuuu... At first sight, The Perfection of Wisdom is bewildering, full of paradox and apparent irrationality.
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purelycontradictin


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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: 404]
#21939466 - 07/13/15 09:42 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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what kind of delusions were you having if you don't mind me asking?
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404
error


Registered: 08/20/10
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I still get them they just arent pronounced. Connecting unrelated events like lights turning off or on as i pass under them with other life events or being some kind of omen. This is what's referred to as 'magical thinking' Sometimes i get strong feelings that the police are after me and it can alter my behavior if it becomes strong enough. I've gotten pretty better at noticing what's real and what's not but there are some beliefs i hold that go pretty deep that if i brought it up in a therapy session it would most likely be regarded as a symptom.
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404
error


Registered: 08/20/10
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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: 404]
#21939542 - 07/13/15 09:56 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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The biggest thing i am dealing with now is bery similar to what you are describing, anxiety and melancholy. Im considering talking to a professional myself so i know kind of how you feel.
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Lain-chan
Who am I?...


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Quote:
purelycontradictin said: might be a little cheesy in parts* expressing feelings and what-not
it would be a long story to give what i feel, is necessary to truly understand or come up with the origin of this problem, or how to possibly fix it.
i used to FEEL. it was like i was god, or sent to make the world around me better. i felt so intoxicated by things, music...oh man. i almost want to cry thinking about what i used to have with music. i could listen to the same song 50 times in a row, and many times the next day and feel like i was in a happy dream. i used to feel connected to people, i mean, i do here and there...
but most of the time i have to have this fucking guard up. People are dickheads, don't relate to me, or it feels awkward trying to go through the ritual of being acquainted with them. I used to despise being alone, and wanted to make petty attempts to make friends. It could have something to do with the last 2 years. 2-18 years old i lived in washington and made close friends (my best friend is in prison for murder...and i feel like i lost him) he's gonna get out at 40 years old or so....and at this rate, i'll probably lose the feelings to care, and i hate it
i want to feel close to the world around me again like i did. like it loves me and understands me. it's like i woke up on a different planet with people who look like people i know, but something is "off". i know it's just me, and i changed somehow.
i feel moments of closeness here and there, but when i talk to my other best friend/ good friends, i don't feel much. it's like they think i'm this person they remember and keep talking to. I mostly feel anger, depression, loneliness, misunderstood, targeted, alienated, relaxed, content.
the little, and i mean little...amount of emotion i have left, i don't know how to invest without backfiring. i don't know how i'd be around my friends again, and without being there for 2 years, it seems like our paths are diverging and i'm truly going to be alone, with an erratic and dramatic history that i will be dealing with alone as well.
i feel like the giver, watching everyone connected with one another and living their lives carefree, almost unaware of the pain or uncomfortable truths that a minority of people (like me), even if just one person, has to live with.
does anyone understand this? how can someone who felt SOOOOOO much, feel so numb? is it really as simple as depression? i vaguely remember this feeling 4 years ago, but it was more mild i believe, and temporary than this. I've wanted to die many many times since 1.5 years ago, but i don't have the balls to take my own life, i'd like to take advantage and risk what's left of my well-being to make it all better again. I know the potential to feel good is there, i've have moments of it, even recently where it's like i'm about to "wake up", and then i drift back into my previous state.
TL;DR, i used to be full of life and really happy and appreciative, now i'm numb and reserved/life feels empty, and I want insight
Ayy you're not alone. I sort of feel the same way, are you on medication? it could be a side effect, Daytrana did something like this to me.
-------------------- Unofficial IRC chat | Lainzine "... being a Linux user is sort of like living in a house inhabited by a large family of carpenters and architects. Every morning when you wake up, the house is a little different. Maybe there is a new turret, or some walls have moved. Or perhaps someone has temporarily removed the floor under your bed." - Unix for Dummies, 2nd Edition -- found in the .sig of Rob Riggs, rriggs@tesser.com vs lbh pna ernq guvf, ravtzn.vax VEP zvtug vagrerfg lbh.
 
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purelycontradictin


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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: 404]
#21939598 - 07/13/15 10:05 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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i know what you mean by this magical thinking. the brain takes something and it's like a *hint*, that it's trying to tell you something in such a subtle way you'll piece it for yourself. Mine were a little worse than that, but probably not as persistent as yours. Mine made me question if i was even alive or not, or experiencing actual reality...if anyone else existed.
freaked me out and exacerbated problems i already dealt with, including almost dying from a heat stroke. a very interesting phase in my life, also the time i practically stopped smoking weed cold turkey, and hadn't used any drugs prior after i moved at age 18. (20 now). so there's a big transition i'm trying to balance out..also lived without much guidance or knowledge about how the world works except for pieces here and there i got on the streets.
whenever i felt like i was getting delirious, it's like my peripheral vision starts to come into focus like what i look at in front of me, and i see a lot more things at once, and my senses get more sensitive, slight vision change, fight or flight response, and the feeling that i'm headed towards something scary and possibly a trap.
i got random moments of walking and seeing almost everything at once, very unsettling.
but now, I don't seem to get them anymore, my brain is under control again, and whenever i get close to what i used to feel, i instantly "smother" it by realizing how ridiculous it is. Unfortunately, it's taken almost 2 years to do this, as I didn't have anyone to go to about it, and was too afraid to face it, so i tried ignoring it, which did the opposite.
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purelycontradictin


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and no, no medication. I don't even really take allergy meds or sleep aids.
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404
error


Registered: 08/20/10
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The first paragraph of what you described sounds more like a type of dissociation, maybe derealization or depersonalization. I've experienced a little of this as well.
The third paragraph has me downright stumped, those are some pretty big hallucinations. Ive had some weird hallucinations happen but not like that particularly.
Dis you also say that before you felt like everything felt more alive and that you felt like you had some kind of special message before you started feeling like this?
I would definitely talk to someone. You can only get better man, but definitely dont feel alone because you're most certainly not
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purelycontradictin


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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: 404]
#21939753 - 07/13/15 10:43 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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i've told my mom a little bit about it, but she (as smart and open minded as she is/ also a nurse mind you) seemed very concerned...so i just keep it to myself to make it easier for her. I'm writing to my friend john, the one in prison for murder about ALL of it. so i'm curious to see his thoughts, i should be expecting his letters back in a week. How i feel now i wouldn't say is new, well, the numbness i guess, but when i really think about it, it's probably a defense mechanism. happy nice people around all the time would remove that i'm sure, along with having fun, something i can't exactly do atm.
but yeah, i am getting better, it's not schizophrenia or something like that which is good, something only temporary (thank god). But then again, the numbness i feel toward feeling good also applies to fear. So i don't really have that voice in my head telling me not to do stupid shit. also, i should note.
i felt depressed fairly bad at 16 too, but soon after, i was using drugs in moderation that gave me a better perspective of life, and i was an on and off weed smoker for awhile...which i knew was a habit i had to stop and learn how to enjoy life sober sooner ot later. and then mixed with big changes in life, i had to face everything raw, and alone for the most part since my mom had her own problems, i thought it would've been counter-productive.
here and there, i feel more "normal" though, like i'm recovering...it just sucks that so much bs happened, and with the lack of guidance. i could've been a genius at this age if i worked at it, but i just wasted my time going nowhere, and then almost died a few times, which probably did some damage to my brain. I don't feel as fast* as i once was mentally.
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