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drege
This space for lease

Registered: 11/04/14
Posts: 1,560
Last seen: 7 days, 1 hour
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Real talk bro; there's an old proverb (zen Buddhism I think)
Quote:
"The student came to the teacher and lamented 'my meditation is faltering, I'm distracted and having trouble focusing on my studies . . . ' "The master replies;'this too shall pass' "some time later the student returned to the master and in jubilation exclaimed 'You were right master, my concentration has increased a thousandfold, blah, blah positive banter' "To witch the master replied only nonchalantly 'this too shall pass'
Life is not meant to be one continuos movement of contentedness as a symphonic piece, its more like the shores of any active ocean, ebb and flow, tidal shift, pollution, degradation, the entities within it will come and go with no observable pattern and you too will sway under this constant shifting, we like to believe that our life will be just so; fun times child hood, graduation, experimentation, settling down, making more humans and growing old to die peaceful in ones slumber, its more like a string of muggings in a vast array of arterial alleyways in some halfassed lightened cityscape, the day will dawn again, but you will be hurting here and there.
To me the down periods are more colorful than the heights of my existence, a lot of artists and poets have created their greatest pieces in the depths of depression and sorrow from loss.
But thankfully I don't seem to remember the reasons for my misery, it has lead me to do miserable things over and over again; I can't count how many times I have gotten back together with women that have consistently mistreated me.
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https://discord.gg/hqdy5ymn
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purelycontradictin


Registered: 05/06/12
Posts: 1,513
Loc: your mother's ass
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: drege] 1
#21939091 - 07/13/15 08:25 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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if i could clone myself, i would just make myself suck my dick
like big bob says, "nothing gay about getting your dick sucked"
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drege
This space for lease

Registered: 11/04/14
Posts: 1,560
Last seen: 7 days, 1 hour
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Whats that got to do with your emotional state atm?
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https://discord.gg/hqdy5ymn
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404
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Registered: 08/20/10
Posts: 14,539
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Quote:
purelycontradictin said: i thought about it. i'm worried if i confided in one too much, i'd went up in a psych ward. some thoughts aren't meant to be shared imo. also, it seems rather costly, and i'd constantly be thinking about the fact that this person most likely learned about whatever problems of mine through a book, and not actual experience...and that it wouldn't be possible without being charged for it. kind of like paying a prostitute to be your girlfriend, although isn't that what a girlfriend is anyways? except cleaner and not as many clients in a certain amount of time 
Winding up ina psychward isn't always what happens but i don't know what youre referring to so who knows... I was having psychotic delusions at one point and my shrink just upped my risperdone... Which i promptly refused lol
I never told him all my thoughts or all of what i experienced. Use your discretion, they are human after all...
These people are trained and do have experience in treating things like depression. It could all boil down to a change in brain chemistry or it could be something else. Hard to say without the expert opinion of someone in the medical field.
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drege
This space for lease

Registered: 11/04/14
Posts: 1,560
Last seen: 7 days, 1 hour
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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: 404]
#21939150 - 07/13/15 08:37 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Using the words "expert" in the same post as the term "medical field"
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https://discord.gg/hqdy5ymn
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404
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Registered: 08/20/10
Posts: 14,539
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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: drege]
#21939166 - 07/13/15 08:40 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Why is that funny? I mean, i guess its kind of silly considering all the bunk doctors are out there... Oh. Right
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Acaterpillar
A little mad...



Registered: 06/09/07
Posts: 18,693
Loc: Down the rabbit hole
Last seen: 3 months, 27 days
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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: drege]
#21939169 - 07/13/15 08:40 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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OP, I'm in a similar state at the moment. I think it's a combination of anxiety and depression.
Just have to force yourself through the steps of life and things will get better.
-------------------- Aaa...E I O Uuu...A E I O Uuu..A E I O uh Uuu.. *Cough* *Cough* Ooo...U E I O Aaa...U E I Aaa..A E I O Uuuuu... At first sight, The Perfection of Wisdom is bewildering, full of paradox and apparent irrationality.
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purelycontradictin


Registered: 05/06/12
Posts: 1,513
Loc: your mother's ass
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: 404]
#21939466 - 07/13/15 09:42 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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what kind of delusions were you having if you don't mind me asking?
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404
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Registered: 08/20/10
Posts: 14,539
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I still get them they just arent pronounced. Connecting unrelated events like lights turning off or on as i pass under them with other life events or being some kind of omen. This is what's referred to as 'magical thinking' Sometimes i get strong feelings that the police are after me and it can alter my behavior if it becomes strong enough. I've gotten pretty better at noticing what's real and what's not but there are some beliefs i hold that go pretty deep that if i brought it up in a therapy session it would most likely be regarded as a symptom.
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404
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Registered: 08/20/10
Posts: 14,539
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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: 404]
#21939542 - 07/13/15 09:56 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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The biggest thing i am dealing with now is bery similar to what you are describing, anxiety and melancholy. Im considering talking to a professional myself so i know kind of how you feel.
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Lain-chan
Who am I?...


Registered: 07/13/15
Posts: 53
Loc: The Wired
Last seen: 6 years, 26 days
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Quote:
purelycontradictin said: might be a little cheesy in parts* expressing feelings and what-not
it would be a long story to give what i feel, is necessary to truly understand or come up with the origin of this problem, or how to possibly fix it.
i used to FEEL. it was like i was god, or sent to make the world around me better. i felt so intoxicated by things, music...oh man. i almost want to cry thinking about what i used to have with music. i could listen to the same song 50 times in a row, and many times the next day and feel like i was in a happy dream. i used to feel connected to people, i mean, i do here and there...
but most of the time i have to have this fucking guard up. People are dickheads, don't relate to me, or it feels awkward trying to go through the ritual of being acquainted with them. I used to despise being alone, and wanted to make petty attempts to make friends. It could have something to do with the last 2 years. 2-18 years old i lived in washington and made close friends (my best friend is in prison for murder...and i feel like i lost him) he's gonna get out at 40 years old or so....and at this rate, i'll probably lose the feelings to care, and i hate it
i want to feel close to the world around me again like i did. like it loves me and understands me. it's like i woke up on a different planet with people who look like people i know, but something is "off". i know it's just me, and i changed somehow.
i feel moments of closeness here and there, but when i talk to my other best friend/ good friends, i don't feel much. it's like they think i'm this person they remember and keep talking to. I mostly feel anger, depression, loneliness, misunderstood, targeted, alienated, relaxed, content.
the little, and i mean little...amount of emotion i have left, i don't know how to invest without backfiring. i don't know how i'd be around my friends again, and without being there for 2 years, it seems like our paths are diverging and i'm truly going to be alone, with an erratic and dramatic history that i will be dealing with alone as well.
i feel like the giver, watching everyone connected with one another and living their lives carefree, almost unaware of the pain or uncomfortable truths that a minority of people (like me), even if just one person, has to live with.
does anyone understand this? how can someone who felt SOOOOOO much, feel so numb? is it really as simple as depression? i vaguely remember this feeling 4 years ago, but it was more mild i believe, and temporary than this. I've wanted to die many many times since 1.5 years ago, but i don't have the balls to take my own life, i'd like to take advantage and risk what's left of my well-being to make it all better again. I know the potential to feel good is there, i've have moments of it, even recently where it's like i'm about to "wake up", and then i drift back into my previous state.
TL;DR, i used to be full of life and really happy and appreciative, now i'm numb and reserved/life feels empty, and I want insight
Ayy you're not alone. I sort of feel the same way, are you on medication? it could be a side effect, Daytrana did something like this to me.
-------------------- Unofficial IRC chat | Lainzine "... being a Linux user is sort of like living in a house inhabited by a large family of carpenters and architects. Every morning when you wake up, the house is a little different. Maybe there is a new turret, or some walls have moved. Or perhaps someone has temporarily removed the floor under your bed." - Unix for Dummies, 2nd Edition -- found in the .sig of Rob Riggs, rriggs@tesser.com vs lbh pna ernq guvf, ravtzn.vax VEP zvtug vagrerfg lbh.
 
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purelycontradictin


Registered: 05/06/12
Posts: 1,513
Loc: your mother's ass
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: 404]
#21939598 - 07/13/15 10:05 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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i know what you mean by this magical thinking. the brain takes something and it's like a *hint*, that it's trying to tell you something in such a subtle way you'll piece it for yourself. Mine were a little worse than that, but probably not as persistent as yours. Mine made me question if i was even alive or not, or experiencing actual reality...if anyone else existed.
freaked me out and exacerbated problems i already dealt with, including almost dying from a heat stroke. a very interesting phase in my life, also the time i practically stopped smoking weed cold turkey, and hadn't used any drugs prior after i moved at age 18. (20 now). so there's a big transition i'm trying to balance out..also lived without much guidance or knowledge about how the world works except for pieces here and there i got on the streets.
whenever i felt like i was getting delirious, it's like my peripheral vision starts to come into focus like what i look at in front of me, and i see a lot more things at once, and my senses get more sensitive, slight vision change, fight or flight response, and the feeling that i'm headed towards something scary and possibly a trap.
i got random moments of walking and seeing almost everything at once, very unsettling.
but now, I don't seem to get them anymore, my brain is under control again, and whenever i get close to what i used to feel, i instantly "smother" it by realizing how ridiculous it is. Unfortunately, it's taken almost 2 years to do this, as I didn't have anyone to go to about it, and was too afraid to face it, so i tried ignoring it, which did the opposite.
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purelycontradictin


Registered: 05/06/12
Posts: 1,513
Loc: your mother's ass
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
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and no, no medication. I don't even really take allergy meds or sleep aids.
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404
error


Registered: 08/20/10
Posts: 14,539
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The first paragraph of what you described sounds more like a type of dissociation, maybe derealization or depersonalization. I've experienced a little of this as well.
The third paragraph has me downright stumped, those are some pretty big hallucinations. Ive had some weird hallucinations happen but not like that particularly.
Dis you also say that before you felt like everything felt more alive and that you felt like you had some kind of special message before you started feeling like this?
I would definitely talk to someone. You can only get better man, but definitely dont feel alone because you're most certainly not
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purelycontradictin


Registered: 05/06/12
Posts: 1,513
Loc: your mother's ass
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: 404]
#21939753 - 07/13/15 10:43 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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i've told my mom a little bit about it, but she (as smart and open minded as she is/ also a nurse mind you) seemed very concerned...so i just keep it to myself to make it easier for her. I'm writing to my friend john, the one in prison for murder about ALL of it. so i'm curious to see his thoughts, i should be expecting his letters back in a week. How i feel now i wouldn't say is new, well, the numbness i guess, but when i really think about it, it's probably a defense mechanism. happy nice people around all the time would remove that i'm sure, along with having fun, something i can't exactly do atm.
but yeah, i am getting better, it's not schizophrenia or something like that which is good, something only temporary (thank god). But then again, the numbness i feel toward feeling good also applies to fear. So i don't really have that voice in my head telling me not to do stupid shit. also, i should note.
i felt depressed fairly bad at 16 too, but soon after, i was using drugs in moderation that gave me a better perspective of life, and i was an on and off weed smoker for awhile...which i knew was a habit i had to stop and learn how to enjoy life sober sooner ot later. and then mixed with big changes in life, i had to face everything raw, and alone for the most part since my mom had her own problems, i thought it would've been counter-productive.
here and there, i feel more "normal" though, like i'm recovering...it just sucks that so much bs happened, and with the lack of guidance. i could've been a genius at this age if i worked at it, but i just wasted my time going nowhere, and then almost died a few times, which probably did some damage to my brain. I don't feel as fast* as i once was mentally.
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