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purelycontradictin


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what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions)
#21937973 - 07/13/15 04:08 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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might be a little cheesy in parts* expressing feelings and what-not
it would be a long story to give what i feel, is necessary to truly understand or come up with the origin of this problem, or how to possibly fix it.
i used to FEEL. it was like i was god, or sent to make the world around me better. i felt so intoxicated by things, music...oh man. i almost want to cry thinking about what i used to have with music. i could listen to the same song 50 times in a row, and many times the next day and feel like i was in a happy dream. i used to feel connected to people, i mean, i do here and there...
but most of the time i have to have this fucking guard up. People are dickheads, don't relate to me, or it feels awkward trying to go through the ritual of being acquainted with them. I used to despise being alone, and wanted to make petty attempts to make friends. It could have something to do with the last 2 years. 2-18 years old i lived in washington and made close friends (my best friend is in prison for murder...and i feel like i lost him) he's gonna get out at 40 years old or so....and at this rate, i'll probably lose the feelings to care, and i hate it
i want to feel close to the world around me again like i did. like it loves me and understands me. it's like i woke up on a different planet with people who look like people i know, but something is "off". i know it's just me, and i changed somehow.
i feel moments of closeness here and there, but when i talk to my other best friend/ good friends, i don't feel much. it's like they think i'm this person they remember and keep talking to. I mostly feel anger, depression, loneliness, misunderstood, targeted, alienated, relaxed, content.
the little, and i mean little...amount of emotion i have left, i don't know how to invest without backfiring. i don't know how i'd be around my friends again, and without being there for 2 years, it seems like our paths are diverging and i'm truly going to be alone, with an erratic and dramatic history that i will be dealing with alone as well.
i feel like the giver, watching everyone connected with one another and living their lives carefree, almost unaware of the pain or uncomfortable truths that a minority of people (like me), even if just one person, has to live with.
does anyone understand this? how can someone who felt SOOOOOO much, feel so numb? is it really as simple as depression? i vaguely remember this feeling 4 years ago, but it was more mild i believe, and temporary than this. I've wanted to die many many times since 1.5 years ago, but i don't have the balls to take my own life, i'd like to take advantage and risk what's left of my well-being to make it all better again. I know the potential to feel good is there, i've have moments of it, even recently where it's like i'm about to "wake up", and then i drift back into my previous state.
TL;DR, i used to be full of life and really happy and appreciative, now i'm numb and reserved/life feels empty, and I want insight
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impatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard



Registered: 11/26/14
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Do you have a family?
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purelycontradictin


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also, i used to be really attracted to a woman's face, now it just looks like shapes put together, like an interesting painting (not literally, but how it feels to look at)
all i feel is, she's ugly, nothing, or i know she's pretty but so what?
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purelycontradictin


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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: impatientguy]
#21938035 - 07/13/15 04:19 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
impatientguy said: Do you have a family?
it's complicated. if i explained it, it would seem like something out of a movie, and it's also very personal...but i live with my mom, and other than that. I have no physical relationship to family. mostly because of her job, and family is scattered around. it's also been awhile since i was with the ones i care about, and i used to care about some a lot, but after enough time, and disputes...i don't have any feelings, they're like acquaintances . except my brother, who i never met until last year about...cool and funny guy, but i feel slightly numb around him too after awhile
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impatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard



Registered: 11/26/14
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You need something that makes you happy man. I have felt this way within the last few years and what's has helped me is focusing on my family my work and my hobbies. Do you own a dog? Have a girlfriend? Do you hike or have a garden? You must make your own happiness. Where do you live bud?
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purelycontradictin


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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: impatientguy]
#21938075 - 07/13/15 04:29 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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that's what i was thinking, but it's like i'm being brainwashed. it's so persistent i can't remember how i got this way, though it's most likely as simple as just being happy.
i live in ekalaka montana, 300-400 people, median age is mid 50's...a bunch of close minded hill billies for the most part who i've tried to hang out with...nearest town is 40 miles away, with nothing that much better. the girls are too slutty, or just too bold and nosey and i don't find attractive. but besides the want of cumming, i could care less, which would've seemed insane a few years ago.
no dogs, not allowed to do anythign to this house (rent)..and we need to save money because she's on a contract. i work too, but it's like 1/5 of what she makes, which is still a bit hard because of moves, and other expenses.
right now i'm playing gta5 online, which is fun and stimulating, but really all i do for "fun", is try to educate myself more, practice freestyling, talk to myself, daydream, sleep, and that's about it...no friends here, but at least i'm not hated. I get uncomfortable walking or driving anywhere or having to talk to people here, cuz i know everything i do and say will be talked about and remembered and tallied against me, the politics in this place push my already slight paranoia to levels of insanity. I don't leave the house unless i need to
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impatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard



Registered: 11/26/14
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I think the root of your emotional distress is anxiety and lack of friends from what I think I understand. I have a similar situation. What's has helped me is to make my parents my friends haha and to make sure to smoke weed every day. It's hard to say for sure what will help you but I would look into hobbies you can do without buying anything hiking\working out. And without my two labs (dogs) I would be a little more lonely so I would recommend getting a puppy and raising it up. It's so great to have some thing to be sooooo excited to see you when you get home plus they are just so happy all the time such a great influence.
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purelycontradictin


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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: impatientguy]
#21938143 - 07/13/15 04:45 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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well thanks for that man
i'm glad it's not something i've had my whole life, although, if i felt this way my whole life than i wouldn't know what bad felt like i guess lol.
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Psychonautica
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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: impatientguy] 1
#21938165 - 07/13/15 04:49 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Did my freestyles ruin your love of hip hop
-------------------- The chances of you even being born, Were forty million to one. There's two parts of the statistic And I want you to live through one 3/8/95 - 7/10/15 Rest In Paradise, Brother. Sheekle said: yeah, i said i was afraid of psychonautica

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hex_enduction
satta massa gana



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Have you ever considered getting the fuck out of where you're at? Seems like a pretty oppressive environment (just in terms of the people, I'm sure it's beautiful there). Of course I'm sure that's easier said than done but a change of scenery might help 
I honestly can't help you too much because I'm in the same boat. I feel like I'm not the same person I used to be and I seldom feel much of anything anymore.
--------------------
Connoisseur said: oh ive cried on drugs sunshine said: Tragic. I told the cop not to do it but he didn't listen.
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impatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard



Registered: 11/26/14
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No problem man
Venting can help a lot
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Envix
Avoidant Disorder



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do you believe you used to be 'in love' at some point?
cuz there's no such thing. but you can trick yourself into believing something so powerfully it becomes true manifest in your reality. you can actually enhance your senses and awareness through conscious intent like honing a superpower
-------------------- smack a hoe out this dimension continue my ascension -bhad bhabie rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b
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Psychonautica
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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: Envix]
#21938195 - 07/13/15 04:55 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
Envix said: do you believe you used to be 'in love' at some point?
cuz there's no such thing.
-------------------- The chances of you even being born, Were forty million to one. There's two parts of the statistic And I want you to live through one 3/8/95 - 7/10/15 Rest In Paradise, Brother. Sheekle said: yeah, i said i was afraid of psychonautica

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pslyke
fantasmagoric



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What's your physical health like? Are you eating healthy, getting enough rest and exercising? Are you getting out and enjoying some sunshine after a long hard winter? What you're describing sounds like prototypical signs of depression. If you were to tell most any physician these things they would want to put you on one or more psychotropic meds. If you're not doing enough of the above and you want to improve your mood, why don't you start with a strictly regimented food, sleep and exercise schedule? Most studies show that these things are as effective, or more effective than antidepressants. They certainly have less/no side effects and they make you look good naked!
I was going to suggest that you go find a young lady (or man if that's your thing) to have sexy time with, but it sounds like you should work on you and how you are feeling prior to getting involved with someone. Best wishes getting back to your old self.
-------------------- "What appears impenetrable to us does exist, manifesting itself in the deepest wisdom and the most radiant beauty" Einstein "The conservatives of 70 years ago would be outraged at what has come to pass. It embodies everything they took up arms for to defeat"Asante
Edited by pslyke (07/13/15 05:24 PM)
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purelycontradictin


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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: Envix]
#21938472 - 07/13/15 06:03 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
Envix said: do you believe you used to be 'in love' at some point?
cuz there's no such thing. but you can trick yourself into believing something so powerfully it becomes true manifest in your reality. you can actually enhance your senses and awareness through conscious intent like honing a superpower
i find this somewhat ironic based off your mood smiley
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purelycontradictin


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it's nice to know it's a common thing. but yeah, nothing i can do as of right now. but on the bright side, i'm going to reno to spend time with family i like for 2 weeks in a sweet hotel, along with other things. including, sexy time.
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404
error


Registered: 08/20/10
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Sounds like depression honestly. I feel a lot like that. Life had a lot more umf wonder and novelty and now i just feel like it's all kind of bland like bran muffin cereal except it just tastes like cardboard. Sometimes not always. Ever tried talking to a professional?
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purelycontradictin


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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: 404]
#21938855 - 07/13/15 07:31 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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i thought about it. i'm worried if i confided in one too much, i'd went up in a psych ward. some thoughts aren't meant to be shared imo. also, it seems rather costly, and i'd constantly be thinking about the fact that this person most likely learned about whatever problems of mine through a book, and not actual experience...and that it wouldn't be possible without being charged for it. kind of like paying a prostitute to be your girlfriend, although isn't that what a girlfriend is anyways? except cleaner and not as many clients in a certain amount of time
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drege
This space for lease

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Are you 
 >
--------------------
https://discord.gg/hqdy5ymn
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purelycontradictin


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Re: what;s wrong with me? (loss of emotions) [Re: drege]
#21938907 - 07/13/15 07:42 PM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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not in this life, although i do support what he does
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