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Offlineshaggyp
California Hottboi
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Registered: 12/27/12
Posts: 454
Last seen: 1 year, 9 months
Ladies: incredibly needy, dependent manchild ready for light flirting (personal ad) * 5
    #21936186 - 07/13/15 06:56 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

So my wife and I broke up a while ago. She screamed "you're crazy, we aren't even married"

And she's right, we weren't.

So I'm looking for an Internet wife. Im a 27 year old white man living in the Bay Area, and I'm considering a lady friend of any age, anywhere, as long as you aren't a minor. 21+ is preferred, but let's face it, I'm far less mature than the average 19-year-old. I'm gonna go ahead and organize everything I have to offer a lady in this concise numbered list:

1. Hair. Lots of it, as long as I can get it. All over my head, face, and body. It's patchy, but you can't tell how patchy because I grew my beard long enough to cover most of the patches.

2. A penis. It's pretty average size. Like almost 7 inches, and maybe a little disappointingly skinny given the length, but not bad. Works most of the time. Uncut, but actually pretty attractive for a penis. Not a weird mutant penis.

3. I can play instruments and sing kinda. I'm not gonna win American Idol, but I can sing you a cover of a romantic adult contemporary song. Occasionally I'll make you come see my band. It's a different band every few months, different style, and you'll think it's one of the new enjoyable bands at the shitty local venue I'm playing. 5 of 20 people will dance. You don't have to dance.

4. I can cook! No, really, I'm actually good at it. But I don't eat mammals, so if you are a big mammal eater you gotta cook on your own.

5. I do a fun amount of drugs. I'm not going to steal money for drugs, but if someone gives me a pill at a rave I won't ask what's in it. You will never have to carry me up a set of stairs because I'm too drunk to walk, but we can have White Russians and watch Netflix. I'm honestly just too busy to be high all the time, but i'm still down to revisit my experimental phase from time to time.

6. I'm active and healthy. Really, I get a shit ton of exercise. I still look like a weird combination of skinny and soft with my clothes off, but I do a lot of cardio.

7. I'm good with animals. Like really good.  It's adorable. I'm adorable. But really, I'm a caring and compassionate guy and it shows in the way your mean-as-fuck dog will start liking me slightly faster than normal.

8. I'm educated. Not with anything useful, like I don't have any job skills, but I have a stupid degree.

9. I'm handy. Like not too handy, I won't build you any furniture but I can fix the garbage disposal and probably your car. I usually cry during car repairs tho.

10. There is probably something else. Or many more things. Amazing traits waiting to be discovered right and left. Like I could probably spin my obsession with maps in a positive way, but I dunno.

So yeah, there you have it ladies. If you're looking to date me, look no further. Or if you know a lady who might want to talk to me, then here I am. I am putting myself out here.

Now that my personal ad is up, I just get to sit back and wait for the naked ladies to show up. Or clothed. You don't have to be naked, either way is cool.


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Burt Cocaine


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Offlineshaggyp
California Hottboi
 User Gallery


Registered: 12/27/12
Posts: 454
Last seen: 1 year, 9 months
Re: Ladies: incredibly needy, dependent manchild ready for light flirting (personal ad) [Re: shaggyp] * 1
    #21938071 - 07/13/15 04:27 PM (8 years, 6 months ago)

wow, harsh, nobody even thinks this is funny :smile:


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Burt Cocaine


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,672
Re: Ladies: incredibly needy, dependent manchild ready for light flirting (personal ad) [Re: shaggyp]
    #21938135 - 07/13/15 04:43 PM (8 years, 6 months ago)

I did :wink:
It'd do reasonably well as an OKCupid profile if you remove the reference to drugs or replace it with something less conspicuous. Be prepared to attract a fair share of weirdos though. But that may just be the point...
Btw, for tinder, a short version could do the job as well.


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Invisibleladycakes
road trippin'
Female User Gallery


Registered: 05/24/15
Posts: 674
Loc: FL, but not on purpose.
Re: Ladies: incredibly needy, dependent manchild ready for light flirting (personal ad) [Re: shaggyp]
    #21938150 - 07/13/15 04:46 PM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

shaggyp said:
Quote:

Not a weird mutant penis.





:ilold:


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Invisiblemindbodysoul
the fertile


Registered: 03/10/14
Posts: 912
Re: Ladies: incredibly needy, dependent manchild ready for light flirting (personal ad) [Re: shaggyp]
    #21939964 - 07/13/15 11:35 PM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

shaggyp said:

7. I'm good with animals. Like really good.  It's adorable. I'm adorable.




Quote:

shaggyp said:

I'm adorable.








hahahahhahahhaha


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Offlineshaggyp
California Hottboi
 User Gallery


Registered: 12/27/12
Posts: 454
Last seen: 1 year, 9 months
Re: Ladies: incredibly needy, dependent manchild ready for light flirting (personal ad) [Re: mindbodysoul]
    #21944814 - 07/15/15 12:28 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Y'all are sweet. You really know how to make a boy with a normal looking penis feel appreciated.


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Burt Cocaine


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Invisibleladycakes
road trippin'
Female User Gallery


Registered: 05/24/15
Posts: 674
Loc: FL, but not on purpose.
Re: Ladies: incredibly needy, dependent manchild ready for light flirting (personal ad) [Re: shaggyp] * 1
    #21946340 - 07/15/15 08:34 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

It was funny and well-written.  Unfortunately, the shroomery is woefully lacking in the vagina department. 

If you're looking for a nice gal You may want to direct your personal ad to an outlet with a lower p to v ratio.

Good luck!


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