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Anonymous #1
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I feel like I'm suffocating...
#21918004 - 07/09/15 04:04 AM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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so, I suffer from a debilitating, life-long mental illness. I've been doing intensive therapy (psychoanalytic, 4x a week, 7+ years) and things had been going great for awhile. Then, back in October, my best friend threw away our friendship. But I told myself I was going to be okay, it was just a little bump in the road, that she wasn't that great of a friend to begin with. And so I kind of threw myself into my studies, repeatedly telling myself that I didn't have time to focus on being upset with her, that I just need to focus on school. Which worked for awhile. In fact, the moment right before I started really falling apart again was possibly one of the highest points in my life so far. I was finally achieving some outward signs of success! And a week later, I'm sobbing on the phone to my partner in the middle of the night, asking him to throw out some pills I had while I was drunk enough to admit feeling suicidal and not there to stop him. This was about two months ago now, and my head has been relentlessly torturing me since. I seem to be losing any control I had gained over myself. I'm slowing falling to pieces, but no one believes me because I'm not acting out as badly as I used to. And I never really admit to anyone how bad it really is because I know how much of a burden I can be. I know how difficult I am when I'm struggling. I know I'm needy and draining. I know the thoughts and feelings I have can be confusing, and sometimes even just scary. I end up hiding so much of myself, pretending to be someone I'm not, to protect everyone around me.
But now I feel like I'm suffocating. and the acting out is getting worse. and i keep thinking about suicide, playing the same script over and over again in my head: "I tried. I've struggled all of my life. And I put everything I could into getting better. But I'm tired. I don't want to struggle anymore, I don't want to fight for my mental health anymore. Yes, there were good times, periods where I didn't struggle so much, but the idea of continuing to live knowing there are going to times where I get so freaking low is more than I can bear."
the funny thing is, I know how to pick myself back up. I have all of the coping skills, tools, and resources. I've had to pick myself back up before. It's just that I don't want to this time, and I'm not sure what to do about that.
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thebitterbuffalo26
Fartyr



Registered: 04/18/15
Posts: 555
Loc: Texas
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: I feel like I'm suffocating... [Re: Anonymous #1]
#21918056 - 07/09/15 04:52 AM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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It sucks when life is a battle. I don't want to fight forever. It's our burden for whatever reason. We're not the only ones though, and I think that helps me breathe sometimes. If you've given up; just throw your hands in the air. I GIVE UP! I give up on this pain. I'm with you. But we're going to keep walking, maybe because I'm stubborn, but definitely because there's something worth it just around the bend.
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weshroom



Registered: 11/19/06
Posts: 3,657
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of your emotional rollercoaster, you hear the script that you tell yourself that feeds into your suffering.
You said yourself that you have the tools to pick yourself up. The motivation is sometimes lost in the struggle, but the reason to keep moving remains. You have potential to create, love, experience and even help those around you. Even when you feel so low that you are just a burden, you have that potential and you are it.
Their are always new experiences and aspects of life that have yet to be explored. Even though you feel stuck, everything is always changing and new events are on the horizon.
Try to notice yourself having thoughts, thinking, talking inside of your head. We can create heavy scripts that can bring us up or down. Try to notice the thoughts, label them what they are "thoughts", and bring your attention back to the present moment. I know that my set of experiences are not the same as yours but I can get carried a way and talk myself into feeling like I am suffocating, trapped, and without steam. Listen quietly beneath the stream.
Are you still seeing a therapist?
We are here for you.
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JV11
Stranger
Registered: 06/07/15
Posts: 6
Last seen: 8 years, 6 months
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Re: I feel like I'm suffocating... [Re: Anonymous #1]
#21922989 - 07/10/15 02:51 AM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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I feel the same way about just giving up on life. Everything is in our head. How can one live a fulfilling life when the mind is constantly in a state that makes life harder than it already is?
Have you consider ayahuasca? Heard it's like a reset button.
I feel that psychedelics help us see the beauty of the world when we are lost.
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SpiritualWarrior
Stranger


Registered: 09/15/13
Posts: 437
Last seen: 1 year, 5 days
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Re: I feel like I'm suffocating... [Re: JV11]
#21923003 - 07/10/15 03:06 AM (8 years, 6 months ago) |
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+1 on the ayahuasca. It is like a reset button. It makes you see life in a totally new perspective. I wouldn't take a very strong dose tho, its not necessary. A light to moderate dose is fine.
Its not a pleasant experience, but it can help greatly. I would follow it up with some kratom since that puts you in your body again and it makes you feel extremely positive.
Edited by SpiritualWarrior (07/10/15 03:20 AM)
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