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Offlineenok
Stranger
Registered: 07/07/15
Posts: 15
Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
Re: The connection between psychosis and the ego death [Re: PrimalSoup]
    #21939189 - 07/13/15 08:44 PM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Scared in a good way means scared in a great way


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OfflineDeathcore
Stranger


Registered: 06/08/13
Posts: 1,934
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month
Re: The connection between psychosis and the ego death [Re: enok]
    #21939226 - 07/13/15 08:52 PM (8 years, 6 months ago)

There is nothing you can do.

You opened to many doors, and these doors can never close.

You have to find the correct time line to hop on.. If that makes sense... Like walking in the deepest area of the jungle and finding that path thatll take you to peace and freedom. You tend to stumble upon the same path that leads you back to the center only the weeds and trees have grown bigger since then, so not only is it more xonfusing, its more frightening because you know you don't want to remain there but you have doubts of ever finding your way out but you also know that the only true way is death..

check out the lyrics to this song

its scary as fuck

The song is called Ending Circle

It is hidden in darkness now
It lost the glow as time went by
And now they know it is all over
I cannot say that we did wrong
After that they would call on us
In the search for a perfect beast
We would come, then take their wishes
Roped theirs necks and we saw them through

In true faith
And untamed strength

No one ever listened to us
This dream was nothing but a lie


Of the threats they could not shun
Erasing all that was left behind
And when they could not hold on no more
I would not harm and no one would die
So sharp, unavoidable
For years it spoke inside of them
My contempt for what they turned
It knew no ends

It is started all over again
Though you just don't know it yet

This is the cold time of the giants
And you gonna cut yourself
We find the scent first, then the way
All is done while you are sleeping
Cause you know it is all too late
And you cut yourself bad


In true faith
And untamed strength

No one ever listened to us
This dream was nothing but a lie


I'm all the terror and all the dread
And my actions will loudly speak
To destroy all in your might
Bit by bit, in heavens, on earth
Cannot continue this false peace
We have grown too far apart
Roars from the blackest abyss
Now march for war

When there were no allies to be found
And the enemies were surrounding you
It gave no reason to love you
I became this bloody beast

No one ever listened to us
This dream was nothing but a lie


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InvisibleMycophile
Assimilated

Registered: 11/09/08
Posts: 208
Loc: Sector 001
Re: The connection between psychosis and the ego death [Re: enok]
    #21939473 - 07/13/15 09:44 PM (8 years, 6 months ago)

I could go on, and on, and on about this, but I will try and spare everyone the novel.

This post sounds like I wrote it when I was 19. I don't say that to imply that your experience is not unique. it is- %100, and it always will be.

You will integrate this experience and grow from it immensely. you'll be right as rain in due time. It feels impossible now, I know, but the light at the end of the tunnel is glorious.

In many ways, growing is an act of destruction, if that makes sense. It's the destruction of the old you, and It can hurt- especially at this time, when you already would be experiencing some serious emotional growing pains without the psychs.

When the load was too heavy to bear for me, I unloaded it all onto my mother- I was lucky enough to have one that would understand. I talked so much, I said so many things.

I brought up question after question after question, and she didn't have much to say until I was completely done talking... then she said to me..

"Sounds like you're becoming an adult, for real. i'm not talking about puberty or working or any of that- like, I mean a compete person, emotionally. The reason you couldn't feel things this strongly until now is you wouldn't have been able to handle it. it's how it works. you took all that shit and put yourself through this hell because your soul was ready for it. I did it too. I told you not to... because I knew it would hurt. i'm so proud of you- there is a lot of love in this world, and it's impossible to feel the magnitude of love and beauty around you until you've hurt, real real bad. not like your girlfriend leaving you.. like only the kind of pain you can feel when realizing the plight of being a human"

I bolded the bit above because as a final note I wanted to say - You a braver than most for attempting to explore one of the most terrifying places on earth -- The self.. and, even if you can't name the reasons, you took the journey for some purpose, so why question it?

It's crazy how fast, and in how many ways life can change on you. Get whatever rest you can manage, maybe have a few beers and watch a movie with an old friend.

Peace and love to you stranger and kindred spirit. May your body carry you through space and time for many moons to come- and may the earth always rise beneath you to greet your steps no matter how small or large.


--------------------
:borg: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE :borg:

      My records for your prints


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InvisibleMycophile
Assimilated

Registered: 11/09/08
Posts: 208
Loc: Sector 001
Re: The connection between psychosis and the ego death [Re: Deathcore]
    #21939544 - 07/13/15 09:56 PM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Except-other people have opened those doors- In many ways much further open than any of us in this thread, and vast majority come back at %150.

I saw the thread you made before this one, and was sort of hoping maybe you would run into my reply here.


--------------------
:borg: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE :borg:

      My records for your prints


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Offlineenok
Stranger
Registered: 07/07/15
Posts: 15
Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
Re: The connection between psychosis and the ego death [Re: Deathcore]
    #21939708 - 07/13/15 10:32 PM (8 years, 6 months ago)

No man I don't believe that, every day I am improving and life is getting better. I am making more sense of what it takes to live as a human being in a mechanical world. I'm starting to live in between the lines, to appreciate much more, the doors have opened and it can be blinding sometimes because of my insecurities but fuck, I'd rather have these doors opened than closed. Right? I'd rather be a little fish in a big pond and learn to grow and find out what ma waters hold with extra exploration potential than be a big fish in a small pond and be constricted by barriers.


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Offlineenok
Stranger
Registered: 07/07/15
Posts: 15
Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
Re: The connection between psychosis and the ego death [Re: Mycophile]
    #21939747 - 07/13/15 10:41 PM (8 years, 6 months ago)

I really appreciate your words, it gives me so much security to have someone say light really is at the end of the tunnel. On the subject of friends, its funny, many left me, its because they didn't understand was psychosis was. But seriously, what the fuck? Lol. I had a friend named Nate and a select few others who really loved me and knew who I was deep down, so grateful for those kinds of people. I wonder now that I'm recovering and working in the real world, if I should tell people about my experience? I don't want to put them off though or to make them think of me as a fragment of a person or some kind of machine that ticked wrong. Dang


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OfflineAldebaran
Psilo-Scribe
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Registered: 11/26/09
Posts: 1,323
Loc: Altered States of Europe
Last seen: 1 hour, 22 minutes
Re: The connection between psychosis and the ego death [Re: enok]
    #21942979 - 07/14/15 05:13 PM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

I think another reason why the whole concept of the ego death "gets" to me is the fact it really is a life-changing experience based off what I've heard from everyone, and knowing in my mind that I'm subpar that I'm not experiencing the true greatness of it all kinda fucks with me. In short, I'm overthinking it WAY too much, like happiness is on the other side of the fence just out of arms reach.




Well, if it's any consolation, as a psychedelic experience I find that "ego death" can be terrifying on the way in, and extremely manic (similar to a kind of temporary delusional psychosis) on the way out. Blissful and revelatory yes, but not something that is  necessarily easy to assimilate afterwards beyond "what the fuck was that?" A heavy trip is not an instant shortcut to some kind of deep spiritual peace - there is a lot of delusional mayhem too.

On the topic of overthinking, and happiness being out of reach, I was watching a youtube video about the effects of psilocybin (based on FMRI studies) and they mentioned that one aspect of depression was a tendency to introspect too much....which made me reflect that happiness is more about being lost "in the moment" (even just being absorbed by writing out a post like this) than something you sit down and evaluate based on how your life is going. I suppose that links into some of the spiritual / buddhist ideas (there is no way to happiness.....happiness is the way) and that kind of thing.

Here's that video if you are interested (long and sciency)

How do psychedelic drugs work in the brain?


--------------------
I wrote that, but I meant something else


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